Episodes 4 & 5

Synopsis

Episode 4

The girls joined Ben in “the marriage capital of America”, Las Vegas. The Twins walked on a treadmill together and claimed it was a good workout. Ben and JoJo made out in a helicopter on their way to the MGM Grand. JoJo told Ben about some insecurities on a sofa before they made out some more. Then they watched fireworks on top of a building and made out some more.

 

A gaggle of girls went to see a ventriloquist and perform in a talent show. Lauren B admitted she had zero talent. “Well duh, I could have told you that,” a continually mean-spirited Melissa said. Olivia said “Bam-Shabaam!” at one point which made me think of Eric Schwartz. “We’re in it to twin it!” The Twins exclaimed simultaneously. “Oh barf,” Melissa replied. They actually did a pretty decent Irish dance together. Jubilee played a cello. Someone juggled. Someone dressed up as a chicken. Someone jumped on a pogo stick. Olivia rose out of a fake cake and danced awkwardly. “It was cringeworthy,” Lauren B assessed. Olivia didn’t hear that or the other mean comments, but cried anyways. 

She continued to weep after the commercial before pulling it together before the night portion. Ben referred to Caila as a “Sex Panther” before making out with her and caressing her leg. I decided “Sex Panthers” would be the second best team name to come out of the episode behind “Bam-Shabaam!” A Lauren kissed the ventriloquist’s puppet before making out with Ben while gripping his jaw with both hands. Olivia acted catty.

Becca and Ben presided over the marriages of a bunch of randos in the “chapel” in Vegas that’s on the way to Fremont Street. Then they went to a museum of retired neon signs. Ben admitted he had some questions about Frigid Becca, including whether “she could feel.” He then implored her to “please feel.” Becca announced to Ben “I really like you,” which made me think of this sneaky-good Carly Rae Jepsen song which now has almost as many plays on Spotify as “Call Me Maybe.” Then they made out.

Then they set up a grotesque two-on-one date with Ben and The Twins. I thought it was deplorable but predictable. They actually went to their house in Vegas. One of them cried, but we didn’t bother to find out which one since we had no clue and they’re both on the Schwartz team. Ben broke up with one of them in a conversation on a couch with the two of them and their mom, and that one cried, so then we didn’t know if the Schwartezes got crying points twice. The other one didn’t get a rose.

At the rose ceremony, Ben wiped out Amber and Rachel, who both wept on their way out. Rachel was probably crying because she had to face the reality of being unemployed and from Arkansas. For the second straight episode, they pulled a sneaky edit where they set Olivia up for a satisfying exit by playing a bunch of her cockiest quotes only to give her the final rose…and then they teased her potential exit in the “Next Time On” trailer as well.

Episode 5

Ben said he was “more and more confident that my wife could be in that group,” as the crew flew into the Four Seasons Mexico City. That was an uptick from last time when he simply said "my wife could be in that group." Ben went to their room at the Four Seasons before dawn to pick up Amanda for an early morning date. He said he wanted to see the girls “in their element” which was obviously code for “without makeup on” because they were all sleeping. He flashed a flashlight in everyone’s face to really get a good look. Amanda woke up clearly wearing makeup. Ben noted how happy he was to see the girls “without makeup, without hair.” “Without hair?” Melissa inquired. “Really? You like 'em bald?”

Amanda and Ben took a hot air balloon ride early in the morning like Melissa and I did when we got engaged. For once Melissa didn’t complain that I never did that for her. Amanda expressed amazement over the quality of the date. “I’m already having, just the most amazing day ever. This is amazing. I can’t believe, this is, like, my life right now,” she summarized. The night portion of the date started with Amanda’s description of her difficult divorce while Ben clutched her thigh. Melissa counted twenty “like”s during her monologue.  

Jubilee, Becca, JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B, Jennifer, Leah and Olivia went to ESL (Español as a Second Language) class. Olivia thought there was a lot of electricity between her and Ben. Becca said “Te Amo.” “Does that count?” Melissa asked. The Twin didn’t realize she was supposed to speak in Spanish.

Then they split into teams of two to cook Mexican food. Olivia and Jubilee both wanted to partner with Ben. Melissa thought they should have arm-wrestled for it but Olivia just won as usual. She got to drink mezcal with Ben and make food with him. “Ben already tasted my taco, and he loved it,” JoJo said cryptically. Jubilee won by herself even though it was a partner challenge I thought.

Ben took Lauren B on a walk in the city to make out while JoJo soothed the other girls as usual. Then Jubilee asked Ben if she had a chance to win the show and he said no and then said hasta mañana to her. She cried on her way to the taxi. JoJo typically provided a shoulder to cry on. Ben blindsided the crew by giving the date rose to the villainous Olivia.

Lauren H went with Ben to a clothes store and then Ted Cruz was projected to win the Iowa Caucuses which was deemed a “devastating blow to Donald Trump,” according to ABC News. Bernie and Hillary were engaged in a tight battle. Then they went to a fashion runway and modeled clothes (Ben and Lauren H, not Bernie and Hillary). Later on Lauren H told Ben about a breakup that took her a year to get over and she cried and got a rose and made out with Ben in the street in front of a dude playing a harp.

Olivia cried, though The Twin claimed “her tears were fake as f**k.” I counted the points. The Twin cried too and talked crap about Olivia to Ben behind her back. Then she called the other Twin to complain more about Olivia and cried a lot more. Ben asked some of the girls about Olivia and they didn’t say nice things. Ben ended the episode by asking Olivia to talk privately while the girls speculated he might revoke her rose and Melissa and I panicked for the 18^th time this season.

Standings

Julia & Paul - 23 points

Amanda - 9

Jennifer - 6

Rachel - 5
+3 last team standing bonus

J&P have the points lead, but the prognosis is bleak for their team. Like, Amanda is like, just an afterthought, like, as we approach hometowns. I thought Jennifer would bust out by now (or her breasts would), but neither has happened. Most likely, J&P will be busto by hometowns.

Andrea & Zack - 21 points

Lauren B - 7

Lauren H - 9

Lauren LB - 5

The Laurens are hanging around. I'm not a fan of Lauren B, but Ben seems to be. H's one-on-one date came at the perfect moment. It should be enough to preserve her for a couple more episodes.

Andie & Eric - 21 points

Caila - 8

Emily - 10

Haley - 3
This much-maligned squad may now be the favorite to win the pool. Somehow Emily is tied for the points lead, while Caila is destined for a night in the fantasy suite. I had been laughing this team off from day one, but it's time to face the fact that the Twins Strategy could be a pool-winner.

Melissa & Tom - 20 points

Olivia - 10

Leah - 5

Shushanna - 5
Olivia is like this Denver Broncos season. They've eked out multiple nailbiting finishes, there's never a comfortable moment, they've looked dead in the water half a dozen times, yet here they are still competing for a championship. They might be gone five minutes into the next one, but hope is still alive.

Bri & Doug - 17 points

JoJo - 7

Amber - 8

Samantha - 2
JoJo should win or be the next Bachelorette. Becca and Caila are her only competitors, and neither one really has a personality. 

Kelly & Phil - 15 points

Jubilee - 7

Becca - 6

Jami - 2

Uh oh. This looked like the strongest team right up until Jubilee's exit, but now it's in trouble. I think why she left was probably straightforward - she asked Ben straight up if she had a chance, he respected her and knew she didn't, so he told her honestly and she peaced. The bummer for the newlyweds is that cost them three points, points they couldn't afford to lose because they're down to one horse.