Episodes 2 and 3

Synopsis

Episode 2

“I want Ben Higgins to be my husband,” Olivia announced cheerily. There was a shot of Ben in his underwear getting dressed. Lace said “the first night I got a little too drunk, a little too emotional,” an understatement akin to Eric Schwartz saying “I maybe took one too many twins in the draft.”

Jackie, LB, Lauren H, Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer and Lace went on a large group date. Jubilee was overly excited about it. “I’ve never been this turned on in a high school before,” someone said. “Wow. High school must have sucked for you,” Melissa quipped. Chris Harrison put a lab coat and glasses on to conduct a “science experiment” where the girls had to mix chemicals in a certain manner to make a phallic volcano erupt. Lace screwed it up.

Then the girls bobbed for apples. Jackie couldn’t concentrate cause Ben was close to her. “Jackie is not great with her mouth, unfortunately,” some Lauren said. Then they put states on a map. They struggled. Then they shot hoops. Mandi shot the ball over the apparatus. There were some other ugly shots. "This is definitely, not like a scene from Hoosiers," Ben summarized. Amber stereotypically carried Mandi to the championship in a teams competition. Then they raced very short hurdles. Melissa complained about the height of the hurdles, as she had had run hurdles for a while as a kid. She talked about the difficulties of hurdling for a while before admitting she couldn’t remember if she'd done them on a dirt track. Mandi upset Amber in the hurdles so she won the some extra time with Ben. “Is he disappointed?” Melissa wondered. 

Ben wore a plaid jacket to the evening events. “I want to make sure Ben does not think I am some crazy girl,” Lace said. Melissa and I both declined to make a joke. Becca and Ben played basketball outside on top of a skyscraper. Becca shot like 80% on mid-range jumpshots while spectacularly done up and wearing high heels. “Are you watching this??” Melissa asked. “Becca is stealing his heart right now!” I concurred.

Ben addressed the girls. “My wife could be in this group,” he said. “We’re not certain yet though,” Melissa added gravely. Ben and Jennifer made out. “Whoa, Smoocharooh with Big Boobs,” Melissa said to get my attention. I looked up in time to catch the tail end of it. Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Caila was chosen for the one-on-one date. She was pleased. “I kinda like Caila,” Melissa admitted. “I’m not gonna lie.”

Jubilee told Ben she was adopted from Haiti. It was treated as a big moment. Lace cursed a lot, then went for a second meeting with Ben when some of the girls hadn’t even talked to him once. Ben and JoJo danced and talked on top of a skyscraper. “I have never been this high in my life,” JoJo said. “Go to Colorado,” Melissa said. JoJo wore a dress that “had a lot of sideboob action on it,” according to Melissa. “Thank you for sharing with me,” Ben told JoJo. He further thanked her by giving her the date rose.

Ice Cube and Kevin Hart came over to the mansion. When asked what the most romantic thing they’d ever done was, Cube said it was “marrying his wife,” and Kevin Hart said “I cooked some fried chicken in a crock pot,” which made no sense cause you don’t fry in a crock pot. Ben described Caila as “fun and bubbly, which is incredibly attractive to me.” “Fun and bubbly,” Melissa repeated. “Smart and charismatic? Nahh.”

Caila managed to have an intimate conversation with Ben while an acoustic guitar played in the background, which gave me a chance to check in on daily fantasy. CJ Miles (for) and Paul Millsap (against) murdered us. They went to a theater (Ben and Caila, not CJ and Paul) and saw Amos Lee. Melissa and I sat legitimately spellbound watching it. Amos Lee is one of Melissa’s all-time favorites and soundtracked some key moments in our history. It was probably the most entranced we’ve ever been watching The Bachelor.

Emily, Shushanna, Samantha, Olivia, Haley and Amanda went on a group date with Ben. Olivia reminded us she got the first impression rose, but “wouldn’t mind if science” made her a good match with Ben because it was a science date. The Twins did their interviews togethers. Shushanna spoke English no problem. I texted PiMaster about DFS while losing track of a group date involving science, smells, and white tank tops.

There was a smell test. Samantha failed it. Olivia made fun of her. Olivia won the smell test. Melissa and I high-fived. Then Olivia did an annoying “WINNING$” celebration in her interview which made Melissa and I regret taking her. Then she made out with Ben.

Amanda finally got to talk to Ben. “There’s like, a lot, that like, I wanted to tell you on the first night, like when I like, one of the biggest, most important things in my life, like, I have two daughters,” Amanda said. Verbatim.

For the night portion of the group date Ben came out in a hoodie with a sport jacket. “Is he wearing a sport jacket with a hoodie?” Melissa asked incredulously. He was. Olivia got the date rose and bragged about it. Melissa and I high-fived again, starting to enjoy the villain role. Amanda became the first to cry. I’m not sure why.

At the cocktail party, a good-looking Ben (the girls, Melissa and I all agreed – he fixed his hair by adding a faux fauxhawk and he also wore a good suit) addressed the girls, noting the importance of this stage and the unenviable task that lay ahead of him. Then he went into individual conversations. Someone we didn't recognize had a conversation with Ben. “I have never seen that woman before in my life," I said confidently. It turned out to be Leah who was actually on our team. When we realized our 1-2 picks were Haughty Olivia and Invisible Leah and we panicked before holding out hope for The Russian.

Olivia said you don't want to “rest your laurels” and struck up another conversation with Ben. PiMaster texted about Hassan Whiteside who was going bananas when only 8% had him but we did to pull us back into the mix in DFS. Lace the Bitch got airtime so I zoned out further into DFS. Amanda cried. At the rose ceremony, Lace and Amber wept before getting roses. LB took herself out of the game. Ben got rid of Jackie, The Crazy Dentist, and Samantha who we almost took before audibling Peyton Manning-style to Shushanna and then Bri & Doug took. She did cry on her way out though to earn a last-minute point. “I just want to go home,” she sobbed. “Good, cause you’re gonna go home,” Melissa rubbed it in. 

Episode 3

Some of the girls expressed contempt for Olivia. “It’s like, I don’t get, like, there’s so many like great girls in the house where it’s like, I see why, like, everyone really likes you, you know?” Amanda said. Jubilee said it would be "Probably like the happiest moment of my life,” if she got to go on a date with Ben.

Ben picked Lauren B up in an old car and then they went flying in an old airplane. Melissa and I agreed it was a terrible choice to take a flight attendant on a flying date. “Don’t ever take me on a date to the hospital,” Melissa warned. Lauren B was scared at first even though her job takes place on airplanes. They flew over the mansion to rub it into the other girls that they weren’t on the date. Then they flew to a field with a big old tree and a Jacuzzi. They made out and got in the Jacuzzi and made out some more. Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Caila cried. Then Lauren B told Ben she liked things simple while his eyes glazed over. Ben responded by telling her a story about his dad having a heart problem and gave her a rose and made out with her again. Then they danced very slowly to an older woman singing a country song and made out again.

Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H, Olivia, Jami, Rachel, Lace and Emily arrived by limo at the L.A. Coliseum to play soccer with Ben, Alex Morgan and Kelly O’Hara. The girls struggled. Alex Morgan said she was “surprised so few have foot skills.” Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Jubilee cried. Chris Harrison divided the girls into two soccer teams with the winners getting to go to an afterparty with Ben. The Twins landed on opposite teams. Lace the Bitch was goalie despite not knowing she could touch the ball with her hands. Emily The Twin stood out as a top performer as the other goalie. The game went to overtime. Amber scored the winning goal. Rachel got injured. Later she cried about it. Shushanna also cried over the loss. 

Olivia rankled feathers by pouncing on Ben at the beginning of the second stage of the group date. They went up to a hotel room and made out while the other girls complained about her toes. Jami told Olivia about it and Olivia admitted she did have bad toes. Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Jubilee was stricken with anxiety before receiving a one-on-one date invitation. Amber had a minimal conversation with Ben before making out with him. Then she got the date rose.

Jubilee teased Ben for being twenty minutes late for their date and the other girls hated her for it. One of The Twins referred to Jubilee as “awko-taco.” This time it was a helicopter instead of a plane for the date. They flew to a “big miniature castle” on top of a hill which turned out to be a health spa. They ate caviar but Jubilee spat it up. Ben poured champagne. Again, the date progressed to a hot tub where Jubilee engaged Ben in a decent conversation before they made out. Then Jubilee told Ben her entire family was dead. Then they made out.

Ben told the girls he just got news two people he knew from home had been killed in a plane crash. I couldn’t help but note it was ironic. Olivia segued that into an embarrassing conversation about how embarrassed she was by her legs and feet. Ben was not pleased.

Some girls complained about Jubilee being withdrawn. “There’s like 18 elephants in the room,” Rachel said. “There’s like 47 elephants in the room,” Olivia said. Jubilee gave Ben a massage while some intense music played and the other girls complained. “It’s like an elephant in the room,” Amber said. “There’s like an elephant in the room and I literally wanted to sit her down and be like, this is why there’s so much tension in the house.” Amber did attempt to sit Jubilee down which pissed her off. As usual JoJo was on hand for support but Jubilee told her to “leave me the f%#@ alone.” The other girls continued to complain about Jubilee, who cried.

Lace the Bitch started crying and left the show.

At the rose ceremony Ben said au revoir to Jami (they speak French in Canada) and Do svidaniya to Shushanna, who cried on her way out. 

Standings

Andrea & Zack - 12 points

Lauren B - 4

Lauren H - 3

Lauren LB - 5

Lauren B is brutally boring, Lauren H is a non-factor and LB got out while she could. This is a sinking ship. 

Bri & Doug - 11 points

JoJo - 3

Amber - 6

Samantha - 2

I've changed my mind on this seven times already, but now think JoJo is the favorite. Every emotionally struggling girl has talked to her during their darkest hour. She's playing with a full deck in a season of missing cards. Amber isn't going anywhere but somehow scored the second-most points in episodes 2-3 if we haven't made a counting error, so Bri & Doug should be in good shape.

Melissa & Tom - 11 points

Olivia - 4

Leah - 2

Shushanna - 5

Olivia survived a sneaky edit before getting the "final" rose, but her foot debacle showed a disturbing lack of empathy and abundance of selfcenteredness. She could be heading home before hometowns, while Leah is an afterthought and Shushanna packed her bags. Things aren't looking up for the Moonbee.

Julia & Paul - 10 points

Amanda - 4

Jennifer - 3

Rachel - 3

I'm not sure what to make of this team either. Amanda can't get through a sentence without saying "like" less than five times, Jennifer's breasts have been her only selling points thus far, and Rachel seems inconsequential. I'm not seeing it.

Andie & Eric - 10 points

Caila - 4

Emily - 3

Haley - 3

The Twins have held tough thus far, but their days are numbered. Caila's deep run won't be enough to bail the Schwartzes out.

Kelly & Phil - 10 points

Jubilee - 6

Becca - 2

Jami - 2

The Canadian only got K&P two points, but I still think this is the strongest team. Jubilee and Becca should accumulate lots of points en route to top 5 finishes.

Dregs - 9 points

Jackie - 1

Lace - 7

Mandi - 1

No one took the bait on Lace and no one's regretting it, but she'll likely score the most points of any first round pick.