Episodes 8, 9 & 10

Synopsis

Episode 8

 

Ryan Gosling asked Kaitlyn if she was in love with him. She murmured something unintelligible then said “I’m falling in love with you.” Gosling was not assuaged so Kaitlyn made out with him for a while. That seemed to do the trick.

Tanner expressed excitement over the brewing alpha battle between Gosling and Nick V, noting that “Shawn thought he was atop the totem pole.” Tanner didn’t speculate on where he stood on the totem pole.

Kaitlyn went on a 2-on-1 date with Kentucky Joe and JJ the Jerk on an Irish beach. Kentucky Joe told Kaitlyn that he liked her a lot. JJ the Jerk went for a different strategy, telling Kaitlyn that he cheated on his wife when their daughter was newborn. Kaitlyn said it was OK and kissed him while some upbeat music played. But she may have had a change of heart during the commercial break because when they got back the music changed to menacing and she got rid of him. She ended up keeping Joe around after verifying he could speak English and make out.

A jittery Gosling made his way back to Kaitlyn’s hotel room and had a long boring conversation that drove me to check my email. At the cocktail party Kaitlyn had an equally long and boring conversation with Ben H followed by an even-longer and more-boring conversation with Nick V and closed the circle with another very long and boring conversation with Gosling. The rose ceremony was well done because it made it seem like Gosling was going home, not because of the hype but because Ben Z was still around for the last rose and he seemed like a lock. “I didn’t see that coming,” Z said. “I DID NOT see that coming. Totally blindsided.” Z proved that real men do cry during his exit interview.

Jared and Kaitlyn went for a drive in the Irish countryside. Kaitlyn hit the curb “approximately three times” while driving on the left side of the road. They went to a castle I once went to where they kissed the Blarney Stone and each other.

After the date Kaitlyn went back to her hotel room alone, so it must not have been as good as her date with Nick V. “I feel like I got back on track tonight and I’m just feeling really happy in this moment, like nothing could go wrong,” she said. Of course, that cut to an edit of some ominous crescendoing music with Chris Harrison walking up the stairs. Kaitlyn made some vague confessions and Harrison told her they were going to an alternate fast-paced final structure. Harrison told her suddenly they would be cutting down to three, making this “a very pivotal week for you.” Then they would do Fantasy Suites, with only two guys getting Hometowns. I think it was just a cover to set up an obviously epic three-man battle royale between Gosling, Jared and V, likely culminating in the Grand Finale: Gosling vs the End Boss, Nick V.

The Dentist was chosen for a one-on-one date at a castle with a dog at the bottom. The castle was just a red herring as the date was actually above the Cliffs of Moher, first in a helicopter and then on a picnic blanket. Kaitlyn asked the Dentist how their lives would be together. “But, you know, life with me I think would be, we would be very close, and I think it would be fun,” the Dentist prognosticated. “And, uh, I also, like stuff like this, and I like going on adventures and I’ve had a lot of fun, really, this entire time.” That drove Kaitlyn to tears and she got rid of him. She escaped in the helicopter, leaving the Dentist weeping into a sunset whilst an Atlantic breeze blew through his hair. 

Episode 9

Ben H wore a large jacket and met Kaitlyn at a canoe. Ben H rowed them to a bright green island with deer on it. H talked about how much he liked Vikings before they played hide ‘n’ seek. After a “serious” conversation they drank stouts by a fireplace. This time Kaitlyn did drink the beer instead of her white wine. H expressed fear of being “unlovable” before both Kaitlyn and Melissa told him he was, in fact, lovable.

Kentucky Joe, Ryan Gosling and Nick V went on a windy date with Kaitlyn on a lawn. “Three-on-one, is, in my mind, just as difficult as a two-on-one,” Kaitlyn said. She proceeded to make out with each of them, but separately. Joe told Kaitlyn he was falling in love with her but she didn’t reciprocate. He was worried he stuttered. It wasn’t that. It wasn’t that he was speaking in Kentuckyian either. It was that Kaitlyn didn’t love him. She sent him home. “It’s been fun,” Joe said before awkwardly hugging her and sitting back down on a bench. Kaitlyn decided not to give the rose to Gosling or V. “On to the next,” she said like poker pros say after busting out of tournaments.

Kaitlyn and Gosling headed out to a classy, empty bar. Kaitlyn returned to her white wine while Gosling swilled a stout. Kaitlyn told him she had sex with V. A mosquito flew in my ear. Gosling went into the tank for a while before asking if she regretted it. Gosling went back into the tank for a few minutes before announcing he didn’t want to talk about V anymore. Melissa concurred. Then he said he was going to “man up” and stay in the game.

The remaining contenders dressed up for the cocktail party. “Shawn’s gotten significantly less cute,” Melissa observed. “He’s gotten, like, ruddy.” Chris Harrison announced there would be no party, only a rose ceremony. They rode in a horse-drawn carriage to a castle/hotel for the ceremony. Melissa complained that I never gave her a rose in a castle. Melissa also complained about Kaitlyn’s shiny dress, which she believed was made out of mirrors. “It’s for narcissistic guys,” Melissa explained. “Ian would like it,” I said.

Kaitlyn tried to give Gosling the first rose, but he asked to talk to her first. Basically he told her he was ticked off that she banged Nick V, then they went back and he accepted the rose. Kaitlyn ended up getting rid of Jared. Perhaps she forgot that he beat Kupah in a fight. I said Jared could be a model and Melissa disagreed. “Well then, it’s settled,” she said. “We have different taste in men.” The hearse drove Jared off and he cried.

You would think that was the worst of it, but Ryan Gosling referred to the night as “rock bottom” even though he got a rose. He was dismayed that “The Other Guy” got a rose and would be going to the fantasy suite with Kaitlyn. He struggled to get his suitcase out of the hotel while a fiddle played.

The Other Guy went on a date with Kaitlyn in Cork, a cute city I once got to go to. They went to a cathedral. I’m sure Melissa would have had a snarky comment about that but she had gone to bed having already watched this episode while I was in Vegas. Kaitlyn & V then drank whiskey with some subtitled Irishmen.

Jealous Ryan Gosling brooded over “The Other Guy” while some wind whipped through his dark blond hair and against his chiseled jaw. The Other Guy told Kaitlyn there was one guy he had “no respect for” and claimed Gosling bragged about being “Eskimo Brothers” with famous country singers. Kaitlyn thought they were both just jealous but didn’t tell The Other Guy that. She pranked V., taking him to a candlelit jail that was a fake Fantasy Suite. Then she took him to a real hotel where they cheersed to getting to spend the night together. Then they spent the night together. Nick chose to do the morning taping shirtless, implying he had slept with Kaitlyn and smugly rubbing it in to poor Ryan Gosling who certainly just watched the show.

“I got to know Nick better,” Kaitlyn said. “A LOT better.”

Gosling didn’t take it well, storming over to V’s hotel room and confronting him for being “manipulative”, “arrogant”, and “cocky.” “I know who I am and I know who you are, and we’re completely different guys,” Gosling said venomously. “I think you’re an a*****.”

It finished with a confusing check-in on Britt and the Singer-Songwriter. They made it seem like they were going to continue to date long-distance. But they also made it seem like maybe they were breaking up and the explanation was sort of a cover.

Episode 10

  

It picked up with Ryan Gosling continuing to bitch Nick V out. “Clash of the Titans,” Zack said. Gosling quickly stormed out and it switched to Kaitlyn’s big date with Ben H. “He’s hot...and he's serious about feelings,” she said.

They rode horses around Ireland, eventually coming across some donkeys. Ben H commended the donkeys on their “sick haircuts” before they came across a pre-made picnic in front of a castle. Melissa made her usual complaint that I never did that with her.

Ben H launched into a tedious monologue attempting to praise Kaitlyn. “So I was, uh, I dunno, the last couple weeks have been, really good with you, and I, especially with me,” he began. He driveled on for another minute or two (who knows, it could have been half an hour before the edit) before finishing. “That’s really nice,” Kaitlyn said simply. Andrea and Melissa laughed uproariously, then complimented H on his kissing.

H wore an effeminate sweater/robe to dinner, which of course they didn’t touch. Instead they made out and went to the Fantasy Suite. After the commercial break there was a shot of a lamb next to its parent. I thought it was suggestive of coital activities. Kaitlyn's description of the overnight was similarly suggestive. “We had a lot of fun,” she said. “I think I got a half hour sleep.”

Next Kaitlyn went golfing with Gosling. He drove the ball powerfully but his short game needed work. They played Truth or Dare and Gosling said he was “a Dare kind of guy.” Then he got naked and sunk a long putt. Sadly this was the “naked guy on a golf course” scene that I’d been looking forward to for so long that I forgot about it.

They had dinner under some chandeliers. It started off as a pleasant recap of a “normal day” but it soon devolved into another round of grievances about Nick V. Then they went to the Fantasy Suite. It was unclear how it went, but as soon as Gosling left he went straight home to bitch V out some more.

Chris Harrison interviewed Kaitlyn about the remaining three dudes. I’m 75% confident they said nothing of note but can’t be sure because I was checking World Series of Poker updates. Kaitlyn wore a low-cut red dress. “She waited to wear that dress till they’d all seen her tatas,” Melissa said. At the rose ceremony, Kaitlyn cried before getting rid of Ben H. Ryan Gosling and V chugged their drinks, then V rolled his neck and Gosling adjusted his suit multiple times. “There’s still an hour left?” Melissa asked in shock.

Then they went to Utah for unknown reasons. Nick V gave Kaitlyn a rambling speech about how much he loved her while his mom cried in a hotel room with Nick’s gigantic family. Melissa explained the family was probably Mormon. Her evidence was circumstantial but strong. Kaitlyn talked to the massive family before Nick told him mom he was “99% sure Kaitlyn loves me”, which would be extra-heartbreaking if he lost again. Nick then cried.

Next Kaitlyn met Gosling’s family. Gosling started it off with a slowroll, saying “Out of the 25 guys she met on the first night, I’m the only one left.” Gosling’s older sisters talked with Kaitlyn for so long I started reading a 538 article on drinking water.

Gosling’s dad Steve, who was wearing the same shirt as his son, gave him sort of a hard time on a deck. Then Gosling pulled another slowroll on Kaitlyn about how he loved her. Gosling said he was disappointed she didn’t say it back. “Have you seen the show, bro?” Zack asked. It ended with Kaitlyn peering out at a valley, crying while some birds chirped. 

Standings

Andrea & Zack: 38 points

Nick V: 26

Tanner: 8

Jonathan: 4
Remember when I argued A to Z were overaggressive taking Nick V first overall because his late entrance would make it hard for him to accrue enough points? Haha. Although my totals could be off (you guys should check your own scores), V now has 5 points more than second-place Gosling. This man is the Russell Westbrook of Fantasy Bachelorette. We still don't know if he was the right choice, however, as the more obvious pick for the #1 draft pick, Gosling, is still in the hunt. But A to Z's third-round pick (Jonathan) so outscored Julia & Paul's (Cory) that they should win the pool regardless of who takes Final Rose.

Andie & Eric: 34 points

Chris: 8

Ben H: 17

Justin: 6
+3 last team standing bonus 

It was a good run from the defending champs, and you could even argue they drafted the best team. I think Ben H has the best shot at being the next Bachelor.

Julia & Paul: 29 points

Shawn B: 21

Joe: 8

Cory: 0

I gave Joe a -3 for "exiting the show prematurely and involuntarily", which seems a tad unfair but correct by the letter of the law. I gave Chris the same -3. But even if Gosling ends up winning in two weeks, J&P will still likely lose by more than 3.

Melissa & Tom: 24 points

Jared: 15

Ian: 8

Clint: 1

Bri & Doug: 21 points

Joshua: 6

Ben Z: 11

Ryan B: 4

Kelly & Phil: 12 points

Corey: 3

JJ: 8

Daniel: 1
12 points sounds laughable, but A to Z actually scored just 6.5 on Juan Pablo's season. We will have to continue to tinker with the rules - the pool scoring still seems a bit topheavy.