Episode Two

Excellent drafting everyone! It seems like most people were on the same page and we wound up with 3 true dregs.

Anywho, back to Bri and Dougs place for this weeks episode! FYI Bri and Doug are moonlighting as a doggy day care (I can only assume because there are currently 5 dogs at their house), so if you’re in need, this is the place :) Also, if you have any spreadsheet needs Doug is very skilled. Between the efforts of Doug and Paul we are in business with some fancy spreadsheet action (Thanks guys!). 

The first group date card of the season reads: “I’m ready for my big day” to Clay, NIck, Chris R, David, Jean-Blanc, Jordan, Lincoln, and Connor. The apparent dress code for the day is either a blue or grey cardigan but they quickly ditched those clothes for suits. Becca and I enjoyed watching them get undressed. This is reminiscent of Becca’s first date last season where Arie dressed her up in fancy clothes. Except unlike her episode these guys quickly ruined them. 

Becca learns that Jordan is a model. “Who can beat me at being in clothes?” Jordan wonders while goofy oboe music plays.

Then they all go to a field where Rachel and Bryan (from a previous season) were waiting. I guess Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunas weren’t available this season. They get their nice clothes dirty doing the silly marriage themed obstacle course. Jordan took the time to man-splain what each kitschy marriage obstacle meant. I’m so glad. I didn’t get it until he spelled it out for my little woman brain.

It was no surprise that the football player was good at the ice bath but it didn’t matter because Lincoln cheated by shaking his timer down. Lincoln-the-cheater wins which makes the other boys grumpy. Lincoln just claims that Becca “brings out the best in him”. He also gets the first kiss of the season. So even if the boys are mad, whoever drafted Lincoln is happy - he’s raking in the points early. 

Lincoln makes eyes at the keepsake photo of Becca from the day and kisses it. The boys feel he is throwing it in their faces so Connor threw the picture like a frisbee into the pool. So now Lincoln lost his picture AND there is glass in the pool. Great move.

Lincoln tattles on Connor but doesn’t tell the whole story. Becca patronizes him a little by encouraging him to “take some deep breaths”. How does she not feel like she is parenting toddlers? “I’m looking for a man who can handle himself well” she says to Connor. Things aren’t looking well for him. Lincoln cries over his broken photo (too bad we don’t have the technology to REPRINT ONE). But regardless his tears earn him another point.

The group date rose goes to Jean-Blanc (Marcia called it!). Bri reminds us that Becca doesn’t know yet that he doesn’t have a real job…

Blake from Bailey CO gets the first 1 on 1. 

Blake and Becca drive off in a limo for a surprise date to find Chris Harrison with a sledge hammer (only slightly creepy). Somehow they make a jumpsuit look cute on Becca. And some dude named “Little John” (who I learned is a hip-hop artist) plays loud music for them to smash things to. Bri is convinced that Little John must not have much to do right now, but that doesn’t stop Blake from claiming he is a “huge” fan. This must be a very weird date for Blake since everything has to do with Arie…

The “dinner” portion of the date went well. They shared some tender moments and the seem to have good chemistry. Blake will be with us for a while, I assume. He gets the rose and she pulls him in for a kiss.

The next date card is for: Garrett, Rickey, John, Ryan, Alex, Christon, Trent, Leo, Wills and Colton who take a school bus to play dodgeball. Bri and I discuss how Becca must have stuffed her butt. She’s too thin to have that shapely of a butt. Some kids coach them. They are afraid of the little girl. Christon keeps pelting Becca with balls to warm up. Then they play a tournament on trampolines. Leo had man-bun issues but he still schooled everyone in dodge ball. “These guys don’t understand that winning doesn’t come from biceps curls or triceps extension, it comes from the heart” Leo offered.

The cocktail party was pretty dull until Colton fessed up that he dated Tia (from last season) which for some reason makes Becca feel “sick” which we can only hypothesize is due to the timing of it all. I don’t understand. Wills gets the group date rose and Connor lets Becca throw a picture of him into a pool to symbolize that that he’s “not that guy”. The glass didn’t break this time, which the pool-guy was thankful for. 

Jordan does “more with less” and he walks through the cocktail party in his little boxer briefs and dress shoes. He fesses up that he’s not “007 all the time but his hair will always look good.” In her conversation with Jordan Becca learns that he wants a little Jordy “mini me”. I throw up in my mouth a little. Luckily, I’m pretty sure Becca see’s right through him but probably enjoys the eye candy/ the producers are making her keep him around for a few episodes. David and Jordan get into a competition of wit, which wasn’t much of a competition. Jordan remains naked through the rose ceremony wrapped in a fuzzy pink blanket.

I was distracted by Dougs beautiful spread sheet which might be more beautiful than Jordan. I look up and Becca is crying and I’m not sure why.

Chris R, Jason, John, Clay, Mike, Connor, Leo, David, Garrett, Nick , Ryan, Jordan, Lincoln, Colton got roses for the night

Alex cried. Like, full on ugly cried a little.

Jordan made it through even though I DESPERATELY wanted him to be sent home naked. #missedopportunity

The teams are like this: 

The whole "power-rankings" thing is something I have never really understood. But my general feeling is that the teams who have Lincoln are artificially inflated early on due to his drama. He won't be around for long unless he can mature about 12 years in the next week. I think that Garrett, Blake and Colton will go deep although I have very little evidence to support that at this point. I'd be happy to see your take on the power rankings in the comments :)