Fantasy Suites, The Women Tell All, Finale, & After The Final Rose

Synopsis

Fantasy Suites

They went to some viewing parties. One of them had a woman in a shark costume. Andi came by. “What the f**k is she doing here now?” Nick wondered. It appeared she was there to find out if Nick was going to have sex with anyone in fantasy suites. He didn’t speculate. At the rose ceremony Nick dumped Corinne, who cried instantaneously and voraciously. 

They went to Finland. “This is the most northern place I have ever been,” Nick said before walking around in a warm jacket in the snow. I complained to Melissa about Kevin Durant’s injury, which cost us five figures on DraftKings. Melissa didn’t seem to mind. Nick called Raven “the perfect combination of salty and sweet,” which is false because that’s actually Talenti Sea Salt & Caramel gelato which Andrea introduced us to. Then they drank a brown liquor which may have been Jagermeister, then a mysterious blue liquid. Raven agreed to fold clothes if Nick cooked. Then she expressed some trepidation over the upcoming night in the fantasy suite, revealing she’d had sex with only one person and had never had an orgasm.

Raven drank a lot of wine at dinner and told Nick she loved him. “From Nick’s reaction, I feel like he does love me,” she said. “They always think that,” I said. She also told him she’d never had an orgasm before. Nick closed the show by chopping wood and holding it over his head.

"I will say this – Nick is pretty good at what he does,” Raven divulged the morning after. “So I’m pretty satisfied today.” Meanwhile, her ex fashioned a noose in an Arkansas basement. Raven did parkour and snow angels.

Rachel likened Finland to Narnia and said she had “no idea what cross-country skiing is” before doing it. She fell down repeatedly. “That was me, in Vermont, like a thousand times,” Melissa said. They hung out with some reindeer and sipped a warm beverage out of wooden cups. “My deodorant smells really good,” Melissa announced. “Want to smell it?” I did. I didn’t smell anything in particular, so I said it was doing good. The reindeer took them on a sleigh ride while they made out.

For some reason Rachel wore what Melissa called “a belly shirt” exposing her abdomen to the Finnish elements. Rachel told Nick she was falling in love with him while I looked at what went wrong on FanDuel. “That was big!” Melissa exclaimed. “Write that down.” Nick and Rachel spent the night in the fantasy suite. In the morning Nick made eggs and Rachel wore penguin pajamas.

Vanessa was up next. “I love it here!” she exclaimed. “Says the Canadian,” Melissa added. “Our physical relationship has always been hot and steamy,” Nick said. So he decided to repeatedly jump into freezing cold water in swimsuits with her “to cool things down.” “He has a really good body,” Melissa noted. I agreed. “He works really hard on it,” I said. “But he’s always drinking. I don’t get it.” “He never eats,” Melissa said. “Except for that bite of Rachel’s egg he just had.” That wasn’t innuendo. He really did eat Rachel’s egg.

Nick and Vanessa had a conversation in a Finnish yurt which culminated in her telling Nick she was in love with him and me entering a dummy DraftKings lineup for the next day. They spent the night naked in the yurt. “My relationship with Nick is probably the best relationship I’ve ever had,” Vanessa said. “What exactly has she been doing with her life?” I wondered. “Maybe Canadian men aren’t good,” Melissa said. “My experience with them has not been good. 100% of the Canadian men I’ve dated have not been good.” Vanessa cried and Melissa said she didn’t like her dress because of “the boob part.” Nick got rid of Rachel at the rose ceremony. She cried a lot and her mascara smeared.

The Women Tell All

Some girls complained about each other. They gave Liz credit for building wells in Africa. Melissa and I didn't pay much attention. I forgot if this "episode" happened in between fantasy suites or after cause I didn't write it down.

Finale

Chris Harrison hyped the finale, dropping “historic”, “extraordinary” and “something that has never happened before in Bachelor history.” They went to Rovaniemi near the Arctic Circle. Nick said Santa Claus lived there. I thought he lived on the North Pole. Nick's family gathered in a house. Nick’s sister Bella and Nick’s mom, popular recurring characters on the show, were at the house. Nick’s dad Chris was there as well. Raven showed up. Bella asked Raven if she loved Nick and she said yes. “So far I really like you,” Bella said. “I feel really great about my and Nick’s relationship,” Raven told the parents.

Raven and Nick’s mom and then Nick and Nick’s mom had long boring conversations while I antisweated DFS. Antisweating is where you want players to do bad because you will lose money if they do good. Vanessa came over. She talked to Nick’s mom. Nick’s dad told Nick “You haven’t a lot of success” with women. Then he cried while talking to Vanessa, causing her to cry. “Vanessa really convinced me that she loved him,” Nick’s dad said.

Nick talked with his parents. His mom quickly started crying. The Clippers pushed their lead over the Knicks to 14, raising the possibility of a blowout and the starters only playing three quarters which would be excellent. Nick and Vanessa went for a walk in the snow. “Here we are. Got some Nordic traditions,” Nick said. They rode some horses up a hill. “It’s a dream,” Nick said. “It’s literally wow.” They went and hung out with Santa Claus in a wooden cabin. Then they sat around a fire outside and had a boring conversation as the Knicks got within 10 at halftime.

"There’s just something that’s not sitting right,” Vanessa said before crying. “Do you think you’re ready to propose?” Vanessa asked. “I think the week’s not over,” Nick said. “See I don’t like that answer,” Vanessa said. “I know you don’t like that answer,” Nick said. “I don’t want you to give me an answer just because it’s the answer I want to hear,” Vanessa said. Nick said some things to calm her down which sort of worked but it was hard to tell because she kept crying but also kissed him.

Nick and Raven went ice skating while a Sixpence None The Richer song played. “They have such great chemistry!” Melissa exclaimed. “I think it just looks that way when they’re moving around and nice music is playing,” I said. They made out while lying down on the ice. Then they sipped tea out of wooden cups while talking next to a fire. Nick went and got some puppies. Then they went to a place called Ounasvaara Chalets. Like he did with Vanessa, Nick told Raven he liked her a lot but also liked the other one. A Derrick Rose team threatened our top standing in the 42,000 player Layup on FanDuel but the Clippers pushed the lead to 23, but then I realized that was because Chris Paul was crushing and now a team with him was behind us by just 3 fantasy points.

Nick toked a fire while contemplating which woman to choose. He sipped something out of a teacup and stared deep into the fire. Neil the Ring Guy came to see him. “Finally doing it, huh?” Neil asked. “We’ll see,” Nick said. “I just hope this one works,” Neil said. Vanessa cried yet again while looking out a window. She put on high heels and a fur coat or “half of a jacket,” as Melissa called it. Raven said she had been looking for a man like Nick for her “entire adult life” which Melissa noted was six years at most. We dropped out of the lead in the 42,000 player Layup but maintained the lead in the 7,000 player Slam at the end of the 3rd quarter with the Clippers up 25, meaning the starters could potentially sit the rest of the way.

Raven came to a cabin where Nick was waiting and told him she loved him. He laughed. Then he told her he didn’t think he was in love with her and wept. Bailey twitched as he dreamed. Raven cried, hugged Nick, and walked outside into the freezing Finnish air with her arms fully exposed to a howling wind. She escaped the elements in the black hearse.

The show brought one final sweat as Nick announced he was going to ask Vanessa to marry him, raising the possibility that she could reject him and A to Z could win the pool thanks to a rule we put in for the purpose of making these moments sweaty. Speaking of sweaty the Knicks backups cut the lead to 18 early in the 4^th quarter. Vanessa came to the cabin. “So much of me being here has to do with my past, but when I look at you all I see is my future,” Nick said. Melissa thought it was a really good line. Nick proposed to Vanessa and she said yes. 

After The Final Rose

“Fourth time’s a charm,” Chris Harrison said to Nick. “It’s been a long journey,” Nick admitted. Raven came out to talk to Nick. Chris Harrison described Raven as “stoic” for a second time. Raven also described herself as stoic. Nick then noted Raven was stoic. The Knicks cut it to 8 with a minute and a half left but Doc Rivers kept the Clippers starters on the bench. Bless him. We won the Slam on FanDuel and had our biggest winning night of the season. Vanessa came on and referred to things as “challenging” several times. She said she didn’t watch the Fantasy Suites episode. They did the usual schpiel about being excited to start a normal relationship. “Are you guys gonna get married?” Chris Harrison asked. “We’re taking baby steps,” Vanessa said. “We’re still in the process of getting to know each other.”

Rachel came on. “You look like a woman ready to find love,” Chris Harrison said. Harrison revealed “an epic surprise” of some guys that would be on the next Bachelorette with her. The first guy DeMario said they could elope to Vegas right then. The next guy Blake told her she looked good and smelled good. Harrison pointlessly interrupted for a bit before the third guy Dean came in. “I’m ready to go black, and I’m never gonna go back,” he said. The fourth guy danced with her while saying “eyyy.” Harrison interrupted again and said that was it for the night.

Final Standings

Julia & Paul - 60
Raven - 31
Jasmine - 9
Whitney - 9
Jaimi - 8
+3 last team standing bonus
Owned.

Melissa & Tom - 37

Rachel - 27

Taylor - 5

Liz - -1

Josephine - 6

I'm looking forward to Rachel's season. I said the same of Andi & Kaitlyn's seasons only to be disappointed. But Rachel should be good, right? I keep thinking about bailing out on the show and they keep reeling me back in with my favorite contestants. Whereas with Survivor I never think about bailing out on the show and they keep upping the ante with my favorite contestants. How good is Survivor?

Andrea & Zack - 36

Vanessa - 34

Lacey - 1

Elizabeth - 1

Vanessa won. A to Z did not. Was it because they didn't make a fourth round pick? No. It was because Julia & Paul found four contestants with staying power including the eventual runner-up and obliterated everyone in their tracks. However, A to Z would have gotten second place if they had taken chalky Astrid as a fourth round pick (or Jaimi or Josephine).

Kelly & Phil - 32

Corinne - 21

Christen - 4

Hailey - 2

Astrid - 5

Bri & Doug - 31

Danielle L - 10

Sarah - 6

Kristina - 10

Astrid - 5

Andie & Eric - 28

Danielle M - 11

Alexis - 8

Brittany - 4

Astrid - 5
Fortunately for Eric Schwartz, Cate Hall beat Mike Dentale heads up, so the week wasn't a total disaster.