The Women Tell All

Chris Harrison spouted off a couple minutes of hyperbole before he and Chris Soules “crashed” a 30-woman Bachelor viewing/corn party. They moved on to a party of cougars, a party with a guy at it and a party of screaming drinkers. Then they showed a highlights montage featuring crazy partying Jordan and Tara, crazy Ashley S, crazy Ashley Kardashian, Jillian’s hairy ass, crazy Kelsey, Carly making fun of everyone and Britt crying a lot.

They had all the rejected women in for a studio interview with Harrison, which Britt kicked off with a good cry. She got into a shouting match with Carly which Harrison eventually intervened in much like I intervene in arguments between second graders. Jillian’s roid rage kicked in and she went off on Britt for a while before Harrison intervened again. Britt bragged about all her work with children before Harrison kicked it to commercial.

Britt and Carly got into another long argument which culminated in Britt saying she thought she would still be on the show if not for Carly. I told Melissa I thought Britt owned all those arguments and Melissa said she and Britt could be friends in real life. I reminded Melissa that Britt wears makeup to bed, which gave Melissa pause.

There was a recap of Kelsey’s shenanigans which drove her to tears. She blew her nose on Harrison’s handkerchief. “It’s yours now, “ he said. Kelsey attempted to defend herself while seven different cast members rolled their eyes. “She is one of the most calculating people I have ever met. I have literally never met someone so fake in my entire life,” Juelia said. “My mom couldn’t fathom how you were on the show,” Megan said. “How can you say you have ‘a great story’?” Trina asked incredulously. Samantha blamed her exit on Kelsey’s fake panic attack, Ashley K questioned whether her husband actually existed and Sanderson Poe rolled over in his grave. “Are you glad you did the show?” Harrison asked.

Ashley S gave Harrison an onion. They discussed Mesa Verde, gambling and cats. “What are you?” Harrison asked. “I like to ride bikes, and, this is me,” she explained.

Jade told Harrison that Soules dropped her because of something her family said and she had no closure. Kaitlyn gave an eloquent interview and then the farmer came on. Britt gave him an epic hug and Carly rolled her eyes. The farmer said he got rid of her because of her personality, not Carly’s allegations. Next on murderer’s row was Kaitlyn. She asked the farmer why he got rid of her and he likened it to “throwing darts at a dartboard in the dark.” Then it was Jade’s turn to play the broken record. Then they showed bloopers and Harrison wrapped the show by hyping his romance novel.