Episode 3 by Paul Wasika

Thanks for your patience, everyone. I was busy having a lovely visit with Tom out in San Fran and had limited access to a computer. Paul was kind enough to write the blog this week. Enjoy :)

The chicken thinks Becca would like someone a little more deep than Jordan

Colton is trying to get past the baggage of having dated Tia - one of Becca's friends

Tia disclosed that she and Colton dated and they ended things when he decided to go on the show - it sounded like he thought Tia might be the Bachelorette

The guys showed up to the spa and Colton's face was priceless when he rounded the corner and saw Tia

Becca started introducing everybody and then forgot Jason's name, lol

Luckily for Colton, it sounds like his relationship with Tia ended amicably

The girls painted all the guys' nails

Tia and Becca went off and had a talk. She disclosed that all she and Colton did was kiss. She also said that Colton disclosed within a few days of "talking" with her that he was planning on trying to get on the show.

Becca, "Do you think he was hoping it was you?"

Tia, "I mean, prob- possibly, yeah. A possibility."

After the spa the group date went for drinks. Jean Blanc pulled Becca aside fairly early. He pulled out a massage tool only to put in on the table instead of massaging Becca, lol. Then had some bland conversation and ended it with a heart-felt hug. Clearly this relationship is headed into the "friendzone" category.

Becca then took Jason aside and apologized for forgetting his name. He seemed to take it well, especially after they started sucking tongue.

The guys started talking about Jordan's Tinder matches. He casually bragged about his 4,000 matches in 2017 alone, but also felt the need to throw out that he's very selective with who he swipes right on, and that he has about 100% matching percentage.

Willis has a "no fucks given" attitude that cracks me up, lol

David then went and talked with Becca

David, "You know, I'm not one to throw people under the bus. But..."

Then he proceeds to throw Jordan under the bus

Becca came back to the group and jokingly gave Jordan a high five for his 4,000 matches.

Jordan and David then started getting into it. Jordan toasted, "Here's to you being a bitch" and walked off.

David, "Do you guys agree that it was kind of funny?"

Crickets.

Jordan then went and pulled Becca aside. After an awkward hug, he sat her down for a heart-to-heart.

Jordan, "I know it's hard with me being like uh, a model"

He continues, "And it's tough, you know? I can't find anyone who matches the intensity or the fun... this is dating Becca, you know? You are something that I would like to see myself next to. You're the goal."

Jordan rejoins the group and he and David start to go at it again.

David keeps trying to get a rise out of him, but finally Jordan gets the last word.

Jordan, "Attached to me, is professionality." Wills and Jason do their best to contain their laughter, but have very little success.

Chris got the 1-on-1 back at the house.

Becca and Colton step aside. After reassuring her that Tia was in the past Becca went back in the common room and brought the rose back to Colton.

Jordan's side interview with the cameras contained a few more gems.

Jordan, "I'd be worried if I was him. Karma is karma."

Chris and Becca went on their 1-on-1

They went to Capitol Records where they met Richard Marx.

They sat and talked with Richard for a bit, at which point he said they would be writing their own love song.

The look on Chris' face was priceless:

Chris told the cameras about being abandoned by his dad, and how it's hard to be vulnerable and let his walls down.

Becca, "Chris, you brought out my smile on this rainy day, and tonight I want to hear more of what you have to say. When I first met you, you were humming behind me, but from here on out I want you singing beside me."

Chris, "Becca, seeing who you were made me take a risk. That first night out the limo, different emotions in the mix. Hard for me to break down walls, opening up didn't seem to exist. But then I looked into those beautiful eyes, breaking down my walls, I couldn't resist. Your smile captivates me, those eyes give me hope the idea of seeing you at the end of this is what I want to envision most."

Well played sir.

Richard then played a catchy tune to the lyrics and it was pretty awesome.

Becca seems smitten with Chris at this point.

They went to dinner together where Chris opened up and shared with Becca why it was so hard for him to open up earlier on the date. She loved what he shared and gave him the rose.

After dinner they slow danced with Richard serenading them.

Becca, "I'm on cloud nine right now."

Back at the house paramedics carried David out of the house on a stretcher.

Apparently he fell out of his bunk bed right onto his face.

Chris Harrison went and had a conversation with Becca about what happened.

She called David and he seemed in good spirits.

Back at the house Jordan was installing a guard rail on David's bunk - what a nice guy.

On the next group date they went to play some football.

To help with the group date, they brought out two Legends Football League girls who looked like they could kick the shit out of half the guys.

Julia and I were curious what Legends Football League was, so she Googled it and found out that it used to be Lingerie Football League, which apparently was a thing.

Lincoln is the most uncoordinated jacked dude on the planet.

They started to play an actual game. Right from the opening kickoff Lincoln keeps getting in the way of his own team, it's really funny to watch, lol. Lincoln then gets burned for a TD shortly after. Lincoln then got run over by his own teammate.

The last play of the game Clay turns on beast mode and takes on the entire other team by himself on a Quarterback sneak. He ends up scoring the TD, but unfortunately he breaks his wrist in doing so. He ends up having to go to the ER.

Later that night the group went to an antique shop to have some drinks.

Garrett showed Becca how to tackle someone and snuck in some kisses.

Blake referred to Becca as his girlfriend, which she really liked. He's primed to go far.

Clay showed up and said he needed to get checked out by an orthopedic surgeon the following day.

He and Becca went aside and had a moment.

The group listened to her talk about how much fun she had before giving the rose to Clay. Normally I'd refer to this as a pity rose, but he seems like a genuinely nice guy well deserving of the rose.

Everyone was back at the mansion for the next rose ceremony. Connor pulled Becca aside to play some whiffle baseball out in the courtyard. She rounded the bases, and gave a friendly hug when she crossed home plate.

Jason's stock seems to be rising, despite Becca not remembering his name the day before.

Clay then decided that he had to go get the surgery and leave the show. Poor guy :(

To be continued..

THE TEAMS:

 

Episode Two

Excellent drafting everyone! It seems like most people were on the same page and we wound up with 3 true dregs.

Anywho, back to Bri and Dougs place for this weeks episode! FYI Bri and Doug are moonlighting as a doggy day care (I can only assume because there are currently 5 dogs at their house), so if you’re in need, this is the place :) Also, if you have any spreadsheet needs Doug is very skilled. Between the efforts of Doug and Paul we are in business with some fancy spreadsheet action (Thanks guys!). 

The first group date card of the season reads: “I’m ready for my big day” to Clay, NIck, Chris R, David, Jean-Blanc, Jordan, Lincoln, and Connor. The apparent dress code for the day is either a blue or grey cardigan but they quickly ditched those clothes for suits. Becca and I enjoyed watching them get undressed. This is reminiscent of Becca’s first date last season where Arie dressed her up in fancy clothes. Except unlike her episode these guys quickly ruined them. 

Becca learns that Jordan is a model. “Who can beat me at being in clothes?” Jordan wonders while goofy oboe music plays.

Then they all go to a field where Rachel and Bryan (from a previous season) were waiting. I guess Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunas weren’t available this season. They get their nice clothes dirty doing the silly marriage themed obstacle course. Jordan took the time to man-splain what each kitschy marriage obstacle meant. I’m so glad. I didn’t get it until he spelled it out for my little woman brain.

It was no surprise that the football player was good at the ice bath but it didn’t matter because Lincoln cheated by shaking his timer down. Lincoln-the-cheater wins which makes the other boys grumpy. Lincoln just claims that Becca “brings out the best in him”. He also gets the first kiss of the season. So even if the boys are mad, whoever drafted Lincoln is happy - he’s raking in the points early. 

Lincoln makes eyes at the keepsake photo of Becca from the day and kisses it. The boys feel he is throwing it in their faces so Connor threw the picture like a frisbee into the pool. So now Lincoln lost his picture AND there is glass in the pool. Great move.

Lincoln tattles on Connor but doesn’t tell the whole story. Becca patronizes him a little by encouraging him to “take some deep breaths”. How does she not feel like she is parenting toddlers? “I’m looking for a man who can handle himself well” she says to Connor. Things aren’t looking well for him. Lincoln cries over his broken photo (too bad we don’t have the technology to REPRINT ONE). But regardless his tears earn him another point.

The group date rose goes to Jean-Blanc (Marcia called it!). Bri reminds us that Becca doesn’t know yet that he doesn’t have a real job…

Blake from Bailey CO gets the first 1 on 1. 

Blake and Becca drive off in a limo for a surprise date to find Chris Harrison with a sledge hammer (only slightly creepy). Somehow they make a jumpsuit look cute on Becca. And some dude named “Little John” (who I learned is a hip-hop artist) plays loud music for them to smash things to. Bri is convinced that Little John must not have much to do right now, but that doesn’t stop Blake from claiming he is a “huge” fan. This must be a very weird date for Blake since everything has to do with Arie…

The “dinner” portion of the date went well. They shared some tender moments and the seem to have good chemistry. Blake will be with us for a while, I assume. He gets the rose and she pulls him in for a kiss.

The next date card is for: Garrett, Rickey, John, Ryan, Alex, Christon, Trent, Leo, Wills and Colton who take a school bus to play dodgeball. Bri and I discuss how Becca must have stuffed her butt. She’s too thin to have that shapely of a butt. Some kids coach them. They are afraid of the little girl. Christon keeps pelting Becca with balls to warm up. Then they play a tournament on trampolines. Leo had man-bun issues but he still schooled everyone in dodge ball. “These guys don’t understand that winning doesn’t come from biceps curls or triceps extension, it comes from the heart” Leo offered.

The cocktail party was pretty dull until Colton fessed up that he dated Tia (from last season) which for some reason makes Becca feel “sick” which we can only hypothesize is due to the timing of it all. I don’t understand. Wills gets the group date rose and Connor lets Becca throw a picture of him into a pool to symbolize that that he’s “not that guy”. The glass didn’t break this time, which the pool-guy was thankful for. 

Jordan does “more with less” and he walks through the cocktail party in his little boxer briefs and dress shoes. He fesses up that he’s not “007 all the time but his hair will always look good.” In her conversation with Jordan Becca learns that he wants a little Jordy “mini me”. I throw up in my mouth a little. Luckily, I’m pretty sure Becca see’s right through him but probably enjoys the eye candy/ the producers are making her keep him around for a few episodes. David and Jordan get into a competition of wit, which wasn’t much of a competition. Jordan remains naked through the rose ceremony wrapped in a fuzzy pink blanket.

I was distracted by Dougs beautiful spread sheet which might be more beautiful than Jordan. I look up and Becca is crying and I’m not sure why.

Chris R, Jason, John, Clay, Mike, Connor, Leo, David, Garrett, Nick , Ryan, Jordan, Lincoln, Colton got roses for the night

Alex cried. Like, full on ugly cried a little.

Jordan made it through even though I DESPERATELY wanted him to be sent home naked. #missedopportunity

The teams are like this: 

The whole "power-rankings" thing is something I have never really understood. But my general feeling is that the teams who have Lincoln are artificially inflated early on due to his drama. He won't be around for long unless he can mature about 12 years in the next week. I think that Garrett, Blake and Colton will go deep although I have very little evidence to support that at this point. I'd be happy to see your take on the power rankings in the comments :) 

Bachelorette Season Premiere with Becca K.

Tom has opted to sit this season out. Even though there are 2 professional football players, a sports analyst and an ex-globetrotter in the line-up. But whatever. So y'all are stuck with me. I will do my best in getting the blog out in a timely fashion but I am not nearly as clever of a writer as Tom is nor am I as diligent about keeping score. I’d be happy to have some guest bloggers if someone would like to take a swing at it.

Anywho - onto the debut!

Just to recap: The Bachelorette is Becca K. She’s 28. From Minnesota where she works as a publicist.

She got her heart mutilated on national TV last season when Arie broke up with her after they were engaged and went back to the other girl.

Bri and Doug were nice enough to host me since Tom was preoccupied with yet another basketball game (I swear the season was supposed to end months ago). Marcia, Bri’s mom, was also there. We were all tuckered as it was Memorial Day and Bri and Doug did the “Murph” which consists of about a million pull ups and push-ups and running and I ran the BolderBoulder (that I didn’t not train for). So yeah. The comments in the blogs might be a little weak and/or extra surly.

Onward…

Bri and Doug properly called an intro of crying (complete with snot dripping off the nose) to recap the dramatic conclusion and COMPLETE DEVASTATION (that she has completely recovered from) of the heartbreak with Arie. Doug was relieved that they finally mentioned her name as it had escaped him. The producers did their part in easing Becca’s heartbreak by letting her drive a red Ferrari in 4” stilettos. It’s that or a pint of ice cream and only one of those things makes you sexier on camera, so…

The previous bachelorettes came to offer some “sage” advice (har har) as they saged the house to clear the negative energy. Which my hippie-self enjoyed. No surprise Kaitlyn didn’t get it. And the noobs didn’t turn off the smoke detectors either. JoJo predicts that whoever she kisses tonight/gets first impression rose is the one she winds up with. Spoiler foreshadow??

Becca wears a very pretty/very expensive dress that makes her look like a “tall glass of champagne” per Jordan. Chris probes Becca’s brain and emotions. She is hopeful but weary. “She wants both people feeling the emotions” Doug added.

Now we get to meet the dudes:

Limo #1:

Colton (26), Denver  - we met him in a vignette first but now he has the tough act of being the first out of the limo. He was born on SuperBowl Sunday which apparently makes you destined to become a pro-football player (I must be destined to be the first day of spring?) which he did (I’m still waiting on mine). He played for the Chargers until he got hurt - duh. Football is super brutal. But now he runs a non-profit for cystic fibrosis in honor of his niece with cystic fibrosis (aww!!). Alas, we finally have a non-douche contestant from Denver!

Grant (27) electrician from CA. Couldn’t come up with anything clever to say. He seems incredibly normal.

Clay (30) IL - former pro-football player for Philly, I think. We met him in a vignette too. He doesn’t identify as the stereotypical football player. He is a self-proclaimed “big sweetheart.” Becca noticed that “he’s so nervous… I get it!”

Jean Blanc (31) Florida. This guy made up his own profession, a “Colognoisseur” which must be this seasons version of “pantsapreneur”. I tried to google it, but the entire first page on Google was related to Jean Blanc of the Bachelorette and I gave up. From what I gather this guy just smells cologne all day. He has a French name so he offers a French lesson in saying “let’s do the damn thing” - clever. But I can tell I’m going to get over he little catch phrase very fast. “Becca needs a man that smells good” he says. “No -  she needs a man with a job!” Bri adds.

Some dude gets down on one knee. “Let’s do the damn thing” he says. Again - this is going to get old fast.

Limo # 2:

Joe (31) Grocery Store Owner from IL - He get a vignette too. I like that he knows his veggies. Anyway, he forgot everything he was going to say as soon as he got out of the limo. Awkward. Swore on the way out.

John (28) Software Engineer from San Fran - NERD ALERT. Poor guy started to walk the wrong way into the mansion. He didn’t have Google Maps to help him :(

Leo (31) Stuntman from LA - He has a man bun and some very curly hair which he doesn’t ignore with his opening line of “let’s let our hair down”. “Can I touch your hair?” Becca asks? Doug seems to think that no girl wants to date a guy with better hair than her. I’m not sure if I totally agree, but you would definitely need a house with 2 bathrooms.

Jordan (26) Male Model from FL. In his vignette we learn that his favorite look is the “pensive gentleman”. “It’s more than being ridiculously good looking,” he continues, “it’s taxing.” He’s afraid that the world is missing out on him since he hasn’t been able to share himself with anyone else yet. Very down-to-earth gentleman, as you can tell. He also spend 6 hours “hand selecting” everything that he’s wearing. He chose a gray suit to “set him apart”... even though approximately 50% of the men are in gray…

Doug makes an early call that Jordan is going all the way to Bachelor in Paradise.

Rickey (27) IT Consultant from CA. Poor Rickey, his segment was glossed over by Jordan’s suit talk.

Some dude arrived in a race car outfit and then he took it off immediately and wore a suit. I didn’t get it. Nor did I catch his name.

Mike (27) Sports Analyst from OH - Also has a man bun. But the silly man brought a  cardboard cutout of Arie with him. That’s awkward. Don’t bring a woman’s ex to the first date. Now he lives in the corner of the mansion (the cardboard cut out, not Mike).

Garrett (29) Medical Sales Rep from Reno - In his vignette he reveals that he is outdoorsy and enjoys fishing. He made a horrible fishing joke about being a good catch that made Bri roll her eyes and sigh. He entered to the sound of a computer generated revving car engine. It’s a minivan. All he wants in life is to be a great dad and husband - hence the minivan. He and Becca check it out. Personally, I loved this gimmick and so did Becca. Doug was impressed too - “He slayed her with the minivan!”

Limo # 3: The repeat limo from “After the Final Rose”

Hooves appear. Becca giggles. Blake from Bailey, CO comes in wearing a red suit. They originally met on After the Final Rose with the “gotta get back on the horse” gimmick. So now he’s riding in on a water buffalo? A steer? A bull? This is highlighting how unfamiliar we are with livestock. OX! It’s an OX! Bri wonders where he keeps getting these animals from. Doug says you rent them on the internet. “It’s like Uber.” Becca says “OMG what a cutie.” I’m unsure if she was talking about Blake or the Ox.

Doug thinks the red suit will ACTUALLY set him apart.

Lincoln (26) Account Sales Executive from LA. He’s originally from Nigeria. In his vignette he reveals that he experienced culture shock coming to the US. He shows up with food for Becca, which is always a good move.

Chase (27) Advertising VP from FL - Probably the wittiest line yet: “It’s all about the chase” (har har).

Darius (26) Pharmaceutical Sales Rep from CA. Gets his second first impression. It was quick.

Ryan (26) Banjoist from Manhattan Beach CA - His occupation intrigues me and no one else. Why didn’t I know about him when we lived on the next beach down this time last year?

Limo #4 - went very fast.

Christon (31) Former Harlem Globetrotter.

Wills (29) Graphic Designer from CA. He’s a closet nerd.

Jason (29) Corporate Banker from NY. He looks like he should be in the mafia and they created a secret handshake.

Kamile (30) a “social media participant” from NY. He has this awful gimmick of relationships are 50/50 but then he goes to 60/40 BUT THE WRONG WAY (to benefit him, not her). It was bad. No girl wants a dude who starts the relationship with an uneven split.

Jake (29) Marketing Consultant from Minneapolis. Apparently they know each other. An “acquaintance”. Becca doesn’t know how she feels about this.

Limo # 5:

J/K it’s a hearse . Trent (28) “literally died” when he learned Becca was the bachelorette.

Limo #6:

A Chicken Suit appears. This blows the last two brain cells that Douche-Bag Male Model has left. This is David (25) a Venture Capitalist from Denver (DAMMIT we were doing so well this season)! He makes a whole slew of chicken jokes.

Chris (30) Sales Trainer from FL - Brought a 12-piece soul choir. It was impressive. Then they danced like white people. I was embarrassed for them.

PHEW! Finished! 28 men in total. She goes in to a standing ovation. She mentions Arie and they zoom into the cardboard cut out in the corner…

Connor was the first to steal time. He opened a champagne bottle with a knife which was actually impressive.

These are my (basically) unedited notes from the cocktail party:

Clay. They played in clay together. He made a Becca out of clay. Football doesn’t “define” him. He seems very serious.

Chris -  nerdy. Software engineer - made the Venmo app. So he’s loaded. Nerds for the win.

Former Globetrotter dunks over her head. He thinks his idea was awesome. Then the dudes play B-ball together which I’m sure was not the point of the evening. Becca gets out there too. In her gazillion dollar dress and heels.

Some guy gets his poem inscribed on a hockey puck looking thing. It ends in “let's do the damn thing.” It was mediocre at best.

Red suit (Blake) is from Denver. They actually had a decent conversation. Becca likes him. I anticipate a first impression rose. I am wrong.

Someone brought an electric massager. (??)

She does the chicken dance with the chicken. David is fun and not serious, shocker, I know. The chicken hat is chucked to the side which seems oddly ominous.

Garrett: They fly fish in a swimming pool. Which promotes a surprising amount of physical contact. A win for fly fisherman everywhere. Becca thinks he would fit in well with her friends and family.

The first “Right Reasons” is dropped. Apparently Chase is not genuine. Someone knows someone’s ex who knows someone who said he’s not here for the right reasons because he owns a marketing company. So the guys discuss if they should tell Becca. Seems like unnecessary drama to me (like 90% of this show). Chase confronts Becca about the confrontation even though he doesn’t have all the info yet. He was too vague which just confused Becca. So he went to grab the dude who confronted him to get more info. She makes a “two on one” joke. Bri is not intrigued. She’s texting with someone on her phone. This is so awkward it’s making Doug squirm.

Jake - from MN. Has never shown any interest in the multiple interactions they had before national TV. He doesn’t remember meeting her at the same time Becca does which he sees no problem with. She calls out his bullshit. I dig her. Doug: “Crush him like a grape!” He confesses that he’s a “changed man” and he would now chase her if they met in a bar. She still sent him home. 1 down 26 to go.

I ate my first piece of chocolate in a month to celebrate. It was glorious.

The first impression rose goes to Garrett. Why? Because he’s “wonderful.” Fly fishing in a pool and a stocked minivan does it for Becca.

The brutal sunrise rose ceremony: How many Red Bulls must be consumed to make this happen? Roses go to: EXTENDED PAUSE Lincoln (she digs that accent), Blake (woot woot CO!), Ricky, Jean Blanc, Christian (slam dunk!), Clay, Wills (Harry Potter tat FTW), Connor, Jason, John, Ryan, Alex, Nick, Trent, Colton, David (dudes are questioning the universe if the chicken suit gets a rose), Jordan - producer pick - barf, Leo, Mike, Chris R.

I’m sad the grocery store guy didn’t get one. We need more men in the media who enjoy vegetables in the world. The 60/40 guy went home, no surprise there. And besides, he’s a “social media participant”? WTF, so he’s an average human? Shouldn’t he have had the time to google what an adequate pick-up line was? Becca doesn’t have time for that shit. Chase went home. Becca doesn’t have time for drama either.

Finale & After The Final Rose

Synopsis

Chris Harrison introduced the three-hour finale featuring “the most controversial” and “scandalous” Bachelor in history, teasing a “completely unedited” final sequence. In Cusco, Arie met up with his parents. “Is that where Emperor’s New Groove was?” Melissa wondered. We briefly mistook Arie’s dad for Neil Lane the ring guy. It only took 4 minutes for Melissa to check her phone, for me to check the Rockets-Thunder game and for Bailey to situate himself and fall asleep. Arie’s mom sparked an inquiring discussion of what exactly “botox” is. Arie spoke to an unidentified couple who may have been his sister and brother-in-law while Lauren B cried to Arie’s mom. 

Melissa and I tried and failed to identify another couple shown talking in the family. Becca showed up. “I like Lauren but I also like Becca,” the mom, who was named Mieke, said. “Sounds like the family’s down with polygamy,” Melissa said. Arie’s dad and other family members actively compared Becca to Lauren, causing the former to cry. Arie’s mom said she thought Becca was better and so did his dad and sister.

Caroline came on to talk with Chris Harrison about her cryptic dissing of Arie. She got more cryptic. “If the rumors are true, what he did was unforgivable,” she said. “There’s no other way around it.” Arie and Lauren went to Machu Picchu. “It’s gonna be, like, breathtaking,” Arie hyped. It was pretty cool. During a boring night date, Melissa went to get us some popcorn and chocolate milk while Arie and Lauren had a dull conversation.

Chris Harrison again hyped “the first uncut, unedited scene in reality TV history” before throwing it back to Cusco. Arie and Becca went to a market and tried on hats and sweaters, then pet alpacas in a city square. They had an extremely boring conversation about their future and their confidence as Melissa arrived back downstairs with the popcorn. Ben H - whose choice of the other Lauren B turned out to be a fail - and another former Bachelor named Jason came on to talk briefly to Harrison.

“You will see that emotional, raw scene uncut and unedited with both cameras visible at all times,” Harrison hyped again. Neil Lane came on for a moment. Harrison mentioned the final scene again. “It is the most controversial scene in Bachelor history, and it is completely unedited and uncut,” he explained.

The last day of the show arrived. “Oh my gosh! I feel very good going into today,” Lauren B gushed. “I’m very very excited and I don’t have any doubts. I can’t even imagine him not proposing to me today! I think Arie and I have a connection that’s far behind anything that most people have in their lifetime.” Then she gave Arie a speech about how much she loved him. He got rid of her. “Well, I wish you the best,” Lauren said, and cried as alpacas watched her leave.

“What will happen next?” Harrison inquired rhetorically. “We’ll find out later, when we watch the first unedited scene in reality TV history,” he reminded. Becca came to see Arie in a garden by a brown river. Arie said his love for Becca was “unmeasurable” which is not a word. Then he asked Becca to marry her and she said “Of course.” “Is this really the end of the story?" Harrison asked. “You’ll witness something that you’ve never seen before – not only on this show, but on any network reality show.”

Weeks later, Arie, after walking under an umbrella during a rain shower, decided to break up with Becca and go after Lauren. They brought the unsuspecting Becca back onto the show and filmed her saying a bunch of nice things about Arie. Chris Harrison sucked his breath in sharply. “I can only imagine, Bachelor Nation, what you’re going through at home right now,” he said. “What you’re about to watch is so real and raw, we thought it would be best that we showed it to you unedited, in real time, with both cameras rolling and visible simultaneously, so you can see everything. Fair warning – it just might be the most emotional scene ever,” he finished.

It didn’t turn out to be the most emotional scene ever. It was actually a pretty standard breakup. Becca cursed a lot. “Oh my [bleep]ing god,” she kept on saying. Arie went outside and stared for a while while Becca wept. Then he came back in and sat on a couch and stared some more. She cried while standing against a doorway. Melissa did calisthenics. “To say this is trending and blowing up social media right now is a gross understatement,” Harrison said. Becca asked Arie to leave at least four times but he didn’t. “Okay, I’m gonna go,” Arie eventually said. He then stared at Becca for a while before finally walking out.  

Becca came on to talk with Chris Harrison. She told him she hadn’t spoken with Arie since the breakup. Harrison announced there wasn’t enough time to finish, but the network had granted them an additional two-hour After The Final Rose the next night (for a five-hour finale in total). Melissa and I went on to that since it was already on the DVR because we watched on Tuesday night. Arie went and talked to the former-Bachelor Jason before going to visit Lauren B with a camera crew. Arie claimed to have a panic attack. Becca looked through some polaroids of her and Arie while weeping.

They brought on Seinne, Kendall, Bekah, Caroline and Tia to discuss. Bekah’s earrings looked like Christmas trees, or green mushrooms. They had a few disparaging things to say about Arie before Becca came back on. She talked for a while with Harrison before Arie came on. Arie and Becca had a surprisingly boring conversation about their breakup while I sweated the end of a Pelicans-Clippers game. Melissa notified me Kendall was crying. Arie apologized to Becca, noting how conflicted he was.

Then that Bachelor Jason guy came on with the woman he wound up with after pulling an Arie. Jason recommended Arie avoid big cities. Lauren came on next and the conversation got boring. “At the end of the day, was it all worth it?” Harrison asked. Arie said yes and asked Lauren B to marry him. “Definitely,” she said and cried.

They announced Becca would be the next Bachelorette. There was a big group hug on the couch. Melissa and I realized we were on our fifth hour of Bachelor of the night. They made a fake mansion and brought out some guys to meet Becca: a nervous black man with an accent we couldn’t identify who called Arie a wanker, a nervous white man who smiled a lot and complimented Becca on her smile, a guy playing a banjo, a guy who apologized on behalf of his gender and a guy with a horse.

Final Standings

Kelly & Phil - 97 points
1. Chelsea - 12
2. Seinne - 10
3. Becca - 39
4. Kendall - 24
5. Maquel - 5
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Ashley - 6
Becca's monstrous finish - five points for finishing as the final contestant, four points for becoming the next Bachelorette, two points for a date, two cries and one rose for a total of fourteen - catapulted her well ahead of Lauren B and Kelly & Phil ahead of Julia and Paul for the season victory. Becca pretty clearly "finished as the final contestant" and very clearly "became the next Bachelorette." The only action of possible dispute was whether or not she "left the show" or "exited the show prematurely and involuntarily." I don't think either of these things happened. Becca won "the show" and then ABC showed what happened afterwards - Arie broke up with her and got together with Lauren B. I thought the scoring was open and shut, but I'm willing to listen to arguments otherwise. Even if we did punish Becca three points for exiting outside of a rose ceremony, K&P would still win by a point (assuming I added everything correctly throughout the season, which is unlikely). Here's one more congratulations added to the loads Kelly & Phil have been receiving lately!

Julia & Paul - 93 points
1. Krystal - 9
2. Bekah - 15
3. Jacqueline - 17
4. Lauren S - 0
5. Lauren B - 34
6. Jenna - 10
7. Marikh - 8
On the other side of the coin is Lauren B, who I believe clearly finished in second place and didn't receive the final rose. It looks like everything worked out for the best - Boring B and Arduous Arie get each other while likable Becca gets to choose from more interesting men - but Lauren B didn't win the game. She won the epilogue. Not bad for a fifth-round pick.

Andrea & Zack - 80 points
1. Bekah - 15
2. Caroline - 8
3. Chelsea - 12
4. Lauren B - 34
5. Jenny - 2
6. Bibiana - 3
7. Ashley - 6
I thought it was interesting that the dude who previously "pulled an Arie" and the runner-up he flipped back to are still together. It makes sense that a relationship started like that would have a better chance at lasting than a typical garden-variety going-through-the-motions Bachelor pairing.

Andie & Eric - 79 points
1. Tia - 23
2. Seinne - 10
3. Jacqueline - 17
4. Annaliese - 3
5. Maquel - 5
6. Jenna - 10
7. Marikh - 8
+3 last team standing bonus
With Becca next Bachelorette, that likely means we've seen the last of Tia - unless ABC does some sort of Arkansas spinoff with a simultaneous Raven and Tia or something.

Bri & Doug - 72 points
1. Caroline - 8
2. Becca - 39
3. Brittany - 6
4. Jenny - 2
5. Bibiana - 3
6. Brittany - 6
7. Marikh - 8
Becca's surge blasted Bri & Doug out of the basement they resided in for most of the season. Becca's 39 points was the highest score of any contestant since Whitney.

Melissa & Tom - 68 points
1. Krystal - 9
2. Tia - 23
3. Annaliese - 3
4. Lauren S - 0
5. Kendall - 24
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Marikh - 8
I don't know if we'll watch any more Bachelor. This was a dreary season until the finale, which might have been riveting if it wasn't five hours long. I'm feeling like the show, the blog, and the pool has run its course. I dunno, though. There isn't much on TV in June. We'll see.

Hometowns, The Women Tell All & Fantasy Suites

Synopsis

Hometowns

Arie and Kendall went to Los Angeles to do some taxidermy on a pair of white rats. Shortly after, they made out. Then they went to hang out with her mom, dad, identical twin sister and little brother. Arie told anyone who would listen he was “falling for” Kendall. The identical twin impressed Melissa. The identical twin told Kendall she didn’t see it working out with Arie. Kendall told Arie she was “falling for” him.

Then Arie went to Weiner. He drove cars in the mud with Tia. Then they drank beers. Then they went to her parents house. Tia’s dad called Arie “Arry” like it rhymed with Harry. Tia’s older brother confronted Arie about being a playboy. Tia’s dad confronted Arie about being a playboy. “I’ve never dated anyone who actually communicates with me,” Tia said.

Arie went to Minnesota to meet Becca at an apple orchard. After spending some time at the orchard, Arie and Becca met up with her mom, her Uncle Gary, and some other people who were seldom shown. Uncle Gary questioned Arie’s faith. “Spiritually, I’m not as far as long as Becca is,” Arie explained. “But I’m open to it.”

From there Arie traveled southeast to Virginia Beach to visit Lauren B’s family. They had a large house. Inside it was her parents and perhaps others – I don’t recall. They had a predictably boring meeting. At the Rose Ceremony, Arie questioned Kendall’s commitment and then gave her the final rose, eliminating Tia. The Arkansan wept profusely.

The Women Tell All

Melissa, Bailey, an excellent mushroom & wild rice soup Melissa made, a Tommyknocker Cocoa Porter and I settled into the chilly basement for the Women Tell All event of what Chris Harrison called an “exciting, dramatic and controversial season" of The Bachelor. “What?” Melissa asked incredulously. "It has been?” They introduced all the rejected women from this season, a few of whom we recognized. I wondered again why Arie got rid of Seinne, who was clearly a top-3 choice. There was a season recap which included Annaliese’s bumper car nightmare-flashback, Marikh using a compass as a mirror on a hike, Tia throwing Bekah under the bus and Krystal being bitchy. Melissa quickly got on Facebook after finishing her meal while I texted with Toph, who joked he wanted to use this epic cross-country color commentary call as his wife delivered their first child.

There was a montage of Krystal’s bitchiest behavior as a flabbergasted Bibiana was unable to close her mouth. Many women lambasted Krystal, particularly Caroline, who yelled so hard she started crying. Jacqueline managed to use several double-digit-letter words in her tirade. Then Chris Harrison interviewed Bekah, who recounted her time as a missing person on a marijuana farm in northern California. They called Bekah’s mom and Chris Harrison told her he could relate cause he was a parent. “Chris Harrison is a dad?” I asked. “Chris Harrison has had sex?” Melissa wondered.

Next up was Tia, who shed some fresh tears upon watching her montage. We caught up to live on the DVR and switched over to the Johnsonville Cornhole Championships on ESPN2, where the competitors were competing for a “high-stakes” prize pool of $15,000. The color commentator said it was the toughest competition he had ever seen. It turned out to be boring so we soon switched back to Women Tell All.

Arie came on and received a cryptic dissing from Caroline before talking with Tia, Bekah and Krystal. There was a blooper segment which actually made it seem like Arie had a personality. Then there was a transparent plug for a lousy-looking movie called Blockers. Then there was a big preview for the last two episodes of the season. Chris Harrison promised it was “truly the most dramatic ending in Bachelor history.”

Fantasy Suites

They went to a desert/ocean in Peru. “I’m going to get to know these women on a whole new level,” Arie said. “Inside and out,” Melissa added. Kendall was driven in a dark car across the desert, which reminded Melissa of Breaking Bad which would be a better way to spend our time even though we’ve already seen it. Melissa happily finished her glass of chocolate milk which is her new favorite dessert. Arie and Kendall drove dune buggies in the sand dunes and then laughed very hard and then boarded down the dunes and then had a picnic. At night Kendall cried to the cameras before conversing with Arie and telling him she was falling in love with him and making out with him. They went to the fantasy suite.

Arie and Lauren B took a plane ride over geoglyphs in Peru. Melissa and I thought they were pretty cool and googled them. They had a very boring conversation at night while I entered FanDuel tournaments. Arie told Lauren he loved her. They made out while “How Do I Live (Without You)” played. “That’s what Lauren’s gonna be asking herself in a few days,” I said. They went to a fantasy suite also but it was a different one from the one Arie went to with Kendall.

Next Becca went on a catamaran to an island. I paid minimal attention while they conversed with Becca eventually telling Arie she loved him and Arie reciprocating. They went to a third fantasy suite which turned out to be a tent in the desert. In the morning they continued to hang out in the desert and tell each other they loved each other.

A man with a gray suit and a southern accent showed up. Arie thought he was a member of hotel management but the man quickly announced himself to be Becca’s ex. He said Becca was the love of his life and he wanted to marry her. “I came here to get her cause she’s the one for me,” he stated. Arie thought it was “one of the unclassiest” moves he’d seen. The man then went to see Becca. He tried to make a Notebook-style speech winning her back but failed miserably and left in embarrassment. Obviously Becca cried. Then she went and talked to Arie who noted it was bad timing because the Rose Ceremony was approaching. At that Rose Ceremony, which Melissa noted was on cobblestones and attended by three women in high heels, Arie quickly got rid of Kendall. She cried a little bit in the hearse, but didn’t seem too bummed overall. There was a big preview for “the incredibly emotional three-hour finale” to end it.

Standings

Julia & Paul - 85 points
1. Krystal - 9
2. Bekah - 15
3. Jacqueline - 17
4. Lauren S - 0
5. Lauren B - 26
6. Jenna - 10
7. Marikh - 8

Kelly & Phil - 82 points
1. Chelsea - 12
2. Seinne - 10
3. Becca - 25
4. Kendall - 23
5. Maquel - 5
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Ashley - 6
It's Lauren B vs Becca for all the marbles, and it's close. I can't imagine either will be next Bachelorette, so it will come down to what happens in the "incredibly emotional three-hour finale." There is a three-point gap between finishing first and second (including the rose), so this could well be decided by crying and/or sneaking extra time in the final episode. It may be a photo finish. Amazing that K&P could win it having scored the least of anyone with their first two picks. Used to be your first two picks meant everything in this pool.

Andie & Eric - 79 points
1. Tia - 23
2. Seinne - 10
3. Jacqueline - 17
4. Annaliese - 3
5. Maquel - 5
6. Jenna - 10
7. Marikh - 8
+3 last team standing bonus
Will Tia be next Bachelorette? I thought she had it sewn up, but Kendall made a late charge. Or they could bring in fresh blood. Or they could bring back someone from the past. I dunno if it will be worth watching. I say this and then summer rolls around and there's nothing to do and I end up not only watching but looking forward to it.

Andrea & Zack - 72 points
1. Bekah - 15
2. Caroline - 8
3. Chelsea - 12
4. Lauren B - 26
5. Jenny - 2
6. Bibiana - 3
7. Ashley - 6

Melissa hypothesized Caroline's cryptic calling-out of Arie in the Women Tell All was in regards to him telling so many women he's in love with them. Maybe he is, but this guy has really gone overboard with it. Based on his words, both Becca and Lauren B must be convinced they're going to win. The loser is not going to take it well, and it's Arie's fault.

Melissa & Tom - 67 points
1. Krystal - 9
2. Tia - 23
3. Annaliese - 3
4. Lauren S - 0
5. Kendall - 23
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Marikh - 8
Kendall seemed to take that exit a little too well, almost as if she'd gotten as far as she wanted to and was relieved she wouldn't actually have to do all the post-finale publicity and, you know, date Arie for real.

Bri & Doug - 58 points
1. Caroline - 8
2. Becca - 25
3. Brittany - 6
4. Jenny - 2
5. Bibiana - 3
6. Brittany - 6
7. Marikh - 8
Bri & Doug may have drafted the winner and still finish last. That is an achievement that will likely never be matched.