Bachelorette Season Premiere with Becca K.

Tom has opted to sit this season out. Even though there are 2 professional football players, a sports analyst and an ex-globetrotter in the line-up. But whatever. So y'all are stuck with me. I will do my best in getting the blog out in a timely fashion but I am not nearly as clever of a writer as Tom is nor am I as diligent about keeping score. I’d be happy to have some guest bloggers if someone would like to take a swing at it.

Anywho - onto the debut!

Just to recap: The Bachelorette is Becca K. She’s 28. From Minnesota where she works as a publicist.

She got her heart mutilated on national TV last season when Arie broke up with her after they were engaged and went back to the other girl.

Bri and Doug were nice enough to host me since Tom was preoccupied with yet another basketball game (I swear the season was supposed to end months ago). Marcia, Bri’s mom, was also there. We were all tuckered as it was Memorial Day and Bri and Doug did the “Murph” which consists of about a million pull ups and push-ups and running and I ran the BolderBoulder (that I didn’t not train for). So yeah. The comments in the blogs might be a little weak and/or extra surly.

Onward…

Bri and Doug properly called an intro of crying (complete with snot dripping off the nose) to recap the dramatic conclusion and COMPLETE DEVASTATION (that she has completely recovered from) of the heartbreak with Arie. Doug was relieved that they finally mentioned her name as it had escaped him. The producers did their part in easing Becca’s heartbreak by letting her drive a red Ferrari in 4” stilettos. It’s that or a pint of ice cream and only one of those things makes you sexier on camera, so…

The previous bachelorettes came to offer some “sage” advice (har har) as they saged the house to clear the negative energy. Which my hippie-self enjoyed. No surprise Kaitlyn didn’t get it. And the noobs didn’t turn off the smoke detectors either. JoJo predicts that whoever she kisses tonight/gets first impression rose is the one she winds up with. Spoiler foreshadow??

Becca wears a very pretty/very expensive dress that makes her look like a “tall glass of champagne” per Jordan. Chris probes Becca’s brain and emotions. She is hopeful but weary. “She wants both people feeling the emotions” Doug added.

Now we get to meet the dudes:

Limo #1:

Colton (26), Denver  - we met him in a vignette first but now he has the tough act of being the first out of the limo. He was born on SuperBowl Sunday which apparently makes you destined to become a pro-football player (I must be destined to be the first day of spring?) which he did (I’m still waiting on mine). He played for the Chargers until he got hurt - duh. Football is super brutal. But now he runs a non-profit for cystic fibrosis in honor of his niece with cystic fibrosis (aww!!). Alas, we finally have a non-douche contestant from Denver!

Grant (27) electrician from CA. Couldn’t come up with anything clever to say. He seems incredibly normal.

Clay (30) IL - former pro-football player for Philly, I think. We met him in a vignette too. He doesn’t identify as the stereotypical football player. He is a self-proclaimed “big sweetheart.” Becca noticed that “he’s so nervous… I get it!”

Jean Blanc (31) Florida. This guy made up his own profession, a “Colognoisseur” which must be this seasons version of “pantsapreneur”. I tried to google it, but the entire first page on Google was related to Jean Blanc of the Bachelorette and I gave up. From what I gather this guy just smells cologne all day. He has a French name so he offers a French lesson in saying “let’s do the damn thing” - clever. But I can tell I’m going to get over he little catch phrase very fast. “Becca needs a man that smells good” he says. “No -  she needs a man with a job!” Bri adds.

Some dude gets down on one knee. “Let’s do the damn thing” he says. Again - this is going to get old fast.

Limo # 2:

Joe (31) Grocery Store Owner from IL - He get a vignette too. I like that he knows his veggies. Anyway, he forgot everything he was going to say as soon as he got out of the limo. Awkward. Swore on the way out.

John (28) Software Engineer from San Fran - NERD ALERT. Poor guy started to walk the wrong way into the mansion. He didn’t have Google Maps to help him :(

Leo (31) Stuntman from LA - He has a man bun and some very curly hair which he doesn’t ignore with his opening line of “let’s let our hair down”. “Can I touch your hair?” Becca asks? Doug seems to think that no girl wants to date a guy with better hair than her. I’m not sure if I totally agree, but you would definitely need a house with 2 bathrooms.

Jordan (26) Male Model from FL. In his vignette we learn that his favorite look is the “pensive gentleman”. “It’s more than being ridiculously good looking,” he continues, “it’s taxing.” He’s afraid that the world is missing out on him since he hasn’t been able to share himself with anyone else yet. Very down-to-earth gentleman, as you can tell. He also spend 6 hours “hand selecting” everything that he’s wearing. He chose a gray suit to “set him apart”... even though approximately 50% of the men are in gray…

Doug makes an early call that Jordan is going all the way to Bachelor in Paradise.

Rickey (27) IT Consultant from CA. Poor Rickey, his segment was glossed over by Jordan’s suit talk.

Some dude arrived in a race car outfit and then he took it off immediately and wore a suit. I didn’t get it. Nor did I catch his name.

Mike (27) Sports Analyst from OH - Also has a man bun. But the silly man brought a  cardboard cutout of Arie with him. That’s awkward. Don’t bring a woman’s ex to the first date. Now he lives in the corner of the mansion (the cardboard cut out, not Mike).

Garrett (29) Medical Sales Rep from Reno - In his vignette he reveals that he is outdoorsy and enjoys fishing. He made a horrible fishing joke about being a good catch that made Bri roll her eyes and sigh. He entered to the sound of a computer generated revving car engine. It’s a minivan. All he wants in life is to be a great dad and husband - hence the minivan. He and Becca check it out. Personally, I loved this gimmick and so did Becca. Doug was impressed too - “He slayed her with the minivan!”

Limo # 3: The repeat limo from “After the Final Rose”

Hooves appear. Becca giggles. Blake from Bailey, CO comes in wearing a red suit. They originally met on After the Final Rose with the “gotta get back on the horse” gimmick. So now he’s riding in on a water buffalo? A steer? A bull? This is highlighting how unfamiliar we are with livestock. OX! It’s an OX! Bri wonders where he keeps getting these animals from. Doug says you rent them on the internet. “It’s like Uber.” Becca says “OMG what a cutie.” I’m unsure if she was talking about Blake or the Ox.

Doug thinks the red suit will ACTUALLY set him apart.

Lincoln (26) Account Sales Executive from LA. He’s originally from Nigeria. In his vignette he reveals that he experienced culture shock coming to the US. He shows up with food for Becca, which is always a good move.

Chase (27) Advertising VP from FL - Probably the wittiest line yet: “It’s all about the chase” (har har).

Darius (26) Pharmaceutical Sales Rep from CA. Gets his second first impression. It was quick.

Ryan (26) Banjoist from Manhattan Beach CA - His occupation intrigues me and no one else. Why didn’t I know about him when we lived on the next beach down this time last year?

Limo #4 - went very fast.

Christon (31) Former Harlem Globetrotter.

Wills (29) Graphic Designer from CA. He’s a closet nerd.

Jason (29) Corporate Banker from NY. He looks like he should be in the mafia and they created a secret handshake.

Kamile (30) a “social media participant” from NY. He has this awful gimmick of relationships are 50/50 but then he goes to 60/40 BUT THE WRONG WAY (to benefit him, not her). It was bad. No girl wants a dude who starts the relationship with an uneven split.

Jake (29) Marketing Consultant from Minneapolis. Apparently they know each other. An “acquaintance”. Becca doesn’t know how she feels about this.

Limo # 5:

J/K it’s a hearse . Trent (28) “literally died” when he learned Becca was the bachelorette.

Limo #6:

A Chicken Suit appears. This blows the last two brain cells that Douche-Bag Male Model has left. This is David (25) a Venture Capitalist from Denver (DAMMIT we were doing so well this season)! He makes a whole slew of chicken jokes.

Chris (30) Sales Trainer from FL - Brought a 12-piece soul choir. It was impressive. Then they danced like white people. I was embarrassed for them.

PHEW! Finished! 28 men in total. She goes in to a standing ovation. She mentions Arie and they zoom into the cardboard cut out in the corner…

Connor was the first to steal time. He opened a champagne bottle with a knife which was actually impressive.

These are my (basically) unedited notes from the cocktail party:

Clay. They played in clay together. He made a Becca out of clay. Football doesn’t “define” him. He seems very serious.

Chris -  nerdy. Software engineer - made the Venmo app. So he’s loaded. Nerds for the win.

Former Globetrotter dunks over her head. He thinks his idea was awesome. Then the dudes play B-ball together which I’m sure was not the point of the evening. Becca gets out there too. In her gazillion dollar dress and heels.

Some guy gets his poem inscribed on a hockey puck looking thing. It ends in “let's do the damn thing.” It was mediocre at best.

Red suit (Blake) is from Denver. They actually had a decent conversation. Becca likes him. I anticipate a first impression rose. I am wrong.

Someone brought an electric massager. (??)

She does the chicken dance with the chicken. David is fun and not serious, shocker, I know. The chicken hat is chucked to the side which seems oddly ominous.

Garrett: They fly fish in a swimming pool. Which promotes a surprising amount of physical contact. A win for fly fisherman everywhere. Becca thinks he would fit in well with her friends and family.

The first “Right Reasons” is dropped. Apparently Chase is not genuine. Someone knows someone’s ex who knows someone who said he’s not here for the right reasons because he owns a marketing company. So the guys discuss if they should tell Becca. Seems like unnecessary drama to me (like 90% of this show). Chase confronts Becca about the confrontation even though he doesn’t have all the info yet. He was too vague which just confused Becca. So he went to grab the dude who confronted him to get more info. She makes a “two on one” joke. Bri is not intrigued. She’s texting with someone on her phone. This is so awkward it’s making Doug squirm.

Jake - from MN. Has never shown any interest in the multiple interactions they had before national TV. He doesn’t remember meeting her at the same time Becca does which he sees no problem with. She calls out his bullshit. I dig her. Doug: “Crush him like a grape!” He confesses that he’s a “changed man” and he would now chase her if they met in a bar. She still sent him home. 1 down 26 to go.

I ate my first piece of chocolate in a month to celebrate. It was glorious.

The first impression rose goes to Garrett. Why? Because he’s “wonderful.” Fly fishing in a pool and a stocked minivan does it for Becca.

The brutal sunrise rose ceremony: How many Red Bulls must be consumed to make this happen? Roses go to: EXTENDED PAUSE Lincoln (she digs that accent), Blake (woot woot CO!), Ricky, Jean Blanc, Christian (slam dunk!), Clay, Wills (Harry Potter tat FTW), Connor, Jason, John, Ryan, Alex, Nick, Trent, Colton, David (dudes are questioning the universe if the chicken suit gets a rose), Jordan - producer pick - barf, Leo, Mike, Chris R.

I’m sad the grocery store guy didn’t get one. We need more men in the media who enjoy vegetables in the world. The 60/40 guy went home, no surprise there. And besides, he’s a “social media participant”? WTF, so he’s an average human? Shouldn’t he have had the time to google what an adequate pick-up line was? Becca doesn’t have time for that shit. Chase went home. Becca doesn’t have time for drama either.