Episode Seven

Synopsis

In Tuscany, Chris Harrison announced there would be no rose ceremony that week. Instead there would be three one-on-one dates and one group date and anyone who didn’t get a rose was gone. Jacqueline announced for the second straight week that she believed she was going to vomit. Arie and Becca drove to a town called Barga. They walked around, ate some salami and cheese, drank wine, made out and danced.

Jacqueline cried while expressing doubts about her relationship with Arie. Becca did not express doubts but rather hope and affection. Arie gave her a rose and made out with her. Jacqueline cried again but we believed it was while wearing the same outfit as before. She went to see Arie by herself which we decided counted as “stealing extra time.” She had a confusing conversation with Arie in which she broke up with him while frequently kissing him and crying.

Arie and Lauren B rode bikes around a town called Lucca and ate gelato. They also walked up a long staircase to a small park on a rooftop of a tower. Then they ate pizza. Then they played soccer despite the gelato and pizza in their stomachs. At night Lauren B told Arie she was falling in love with him. He got up and left. She cried. He came back and told her he was “falling deeply in love” with her. He gave her a rose and they made out.

Arie and Seinne went truffle hunting with an Italian in a vest and two dogs. Then they made pasta in a house with other Italians. Then they ate the pasta and truffles. At night they had a lengthy conversation that I gave little attention to while sweating the end of a Spurs/Jazz game I was heavily invested in in DFS. Arie ended up getting rid of Seinne. We found Arie's preference of Lauren B over Seinne baffling.

Arie, Bekah, Kendall and Tia went to a villa called Villa Royale. Kendall talked with Arie and kissed him. Then Tia attempted to throw Bekah under the bus, then told Bekah about it. Bekah cried. Bekah told Arie she kept in very close contact with her parents which didn’t ring true because they reported her missing while she was filming the show. Arie gave a rose to Kendall, narrowing it to a 2-on-1 date of Bekah vs. Tia. I continued to do other things while lightly paying attention to the show. Arie ended up giving Tia a rose and getting rid of Bekah, who wept profusely in the hearse, smearing her mascara. 

Standings


Julia & Paul - 77 points
1. Krystal - 9
2. Bekah - 15
3. Jacqueline - 17
4. Lauren S - 0
5. Lauren B - 18
6. Jenna - 10
7. Marikh - 8
J&P are suddenly down to just their fifth-round pick, but strangely Lauren B is looking like a true contender. It was shocking to hear Arie profess his love for her. I don't see it, but it appears he does.

Andie & Eric - 74 points
1. Tia - 18
2. Seinne - 10
3. Jacqueline - 17
4. Annaliese - 3
5. Maquel - 5
6. Jenna - 10
7. Marikh - 8
+3 last team standing bonus
It's likely coming down to B vs. Tia for the title. I still give Tia the edge, but it's close.

Andrea & Zack - 63 points
1. Bekah - 15
2. Caroline - 7
3. Chelsea - 12
4. Lauren B - 18
5. Jenny - 2
6. Bibiana - 3
7. Ashley - 6
I really didn't get the first Lauren B but this one is even more perplexing. I have no clue what this woman brings to the table.

Kelly & Phil - 61 points
1. Chelsea - 12
2. Seinne - 10
3. Becca - 14
4. Kendall - 13
5. Maquel - 5
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Ashley - 6
K&P need Becca and Kendall to outscore Tia and Lauren B to have a chance.

Melissa & Tom - 52 points
1. Krystal - 9
2. Tia - 18
3. Annaliese - 3
4. Lauren S - 0
5. Kendall - 13
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Marikh - 8
We are one of two teams with two players left, but trail badly in points. It would take a monstrous finish or a proposal rejection from Tia and/or Kendall to get back in the mix.

Bri & Doug - 46 points
1. Caroline - 7
2. Becca - 14
3. Brittany - 6
4. Jenny - 2
5. Bibiana - 3
6. Brittany - 6
7. Marikh - 8
In this boring season of Bs, Becca is a leading contender.

Episodes Five and Six

Synopsis

Episode Five

 

They went to Fort Lauderdale. They went biking near the beach which reminded me of going biking on The Strand path on the beach between Marina Del Rey and Redondo Beach. Arie and Chelsea went on a nice boat and drank champagne. “I’m on a dreamboat, with a dreamboat,” Chelsea said. Maquel came back from her grandpa’s funeral. “I thought I would get some extra sleep, but I didn’t,” she summarized. Arie and Chelsea made out on a jetski. Chelsea told a sad but not touching story about how her husband left her with “belongings in trashbags.“ “She doesn’t blink enough, I think that’s what it is,” Melissa diagnosed. They danced in a garage while a woman with long hair and dark red lipstick named Tamil or something sang.

Maquel, Krystal, Bekah, Becca, Jenna, Seinne, Kendall, Ashley, Marikh, Jacqueline and Lauren B went bowling with Arie. Melissa and I agreed he looked good in a bowling shirt. They drank a pitcher of beer which looked to be some sort of cloudy non-crappy beer which impressed me and Melissa. Arie said there would be two teams and they would compete to continue on to the night portion of the date. Seinne bowled a gutterball. Jenna and Krystal got strikes. Bekah was bad.

Krystal’s team won but then it turned out both teams got to go on the night portion of the date. This tilted Krystal so she put on a bathrobe and sat out the date. Kendall pointed out if her goal was to get more time with Arie it didn’t make sense to sit out the date. Bekah made a good imitation of Krystal to the cameras. The girls told Arie that Krystal was dropping out of the date. “I just want to have fun and bowl,” Arie said and bobbed his head. “I think she’s just like a scared little animal in the corner with no friends,” Bekah said. “This is gonna be crazy.”

Arie went to see Krystal in her room in her bathrobe. They hugged for a while. Then they had a conversation in which things “deteriorated” according to Arie. “She won’t be joining us,” Arie explained to the other girls. “So we have the night to ourselves.” “All twelve of us,” Melissa said. We paused for the night and watched Fargo which is a better show.

The next night, after a wonderful trip with Zack to a brewery called West Cellar, Melissa and I resumed watching The Bachelor. Lauren B got annoyed with Krystal and cried. Then she and Arie asked each other questions before making out. She got the date rose.

Arie, Tia, and an unidentified man took a boat ride in the Everglades. They saw an alligator and a turtle. They went to a cabin on stilts where an old guy in a plaid shirt served them frog legs, catfish and deep-fried corn on the cob. Then they made out on the roof of the house. At night they went to an abandoned, well-lit boat/restaurant and Melissa made her first “Where’s the rest of her dress?” query in a while. “I don’t see myself winding up in Arkansas,” Tia announced. “I’m falling in love with you,” she stated shortly after. Then they made out.

The ladies went to The Bonnet House. “Yesterday, I wasn’t hiding in my room,” Krystal stated. “I was investing in myself.” I told Melissa I thought Krystal was the prettiest but if I was Bachelor my final three would be Bekah, Kendall and Tia and that Kendall would probably win. Right then Kendall dropped the word “correlation” which eliminated the “probably.” Krystal told Arie she grew up in a bowling alley. At the Rose Ceremony, Krystal got the last rose. Arie got rid of the recently-returned Maquel as well as the two dregs, Ashley and Marikh. The latter cried. 

Episode Six

They went to Paris. Tia said a shop they went to was “Parisian.” Seinne called the River Seine the River Seinne. Arie said it was going to be hard to choose from these ten girls. “What makes it hard?” Chris Harrison asked. “He can’t remember their names,” Melissa said.

Arie and Lauren B took a boat ride and then walked through a market in Paris. “I am super attracted to Lauren,” Arie said. “She is so beautiful. Even though I don’t know much about her, just spending time with her makes me really happy.” “That is so pretty,” Arie said, pointing to what Melissa believed was the church of Notre Dame. “Wow,” Lauren B said. “So pretty,” Arie said, pointing to what Melissa believed was the Palace of Versailles. “Wow,” Lauren B said. They further struggled to talk. “It’s more or less, like, before, like, I obviously would love more than anything for you to like me, you know?" Arie said. "And, that’s like, I’d love that, because I’m super interested in you." At night Arie told Lauren B he was going to be a dad to a child with an ex-girlfriend but she lost the baby and left him. Lauren B told Arie she was engaged to her ex-boyfriend and she appeared to cry briefly. It worked because Arie decided to keep her.

Arie, Becca, Seinne, Bekah, Tia, Chelsea and Jenna went to the Moulin Rouge. “This is amazing,” Jenna said. “This is probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” “Going to a strip club?” Melissa questioned. Bekah got the date rose and danced in a performance with Arie.

Arie, Kendall and Krystal went on a 1-on-2 date. There was a lot of boring conversation between the three of them in different combinations so Melissa checked her phone and I updated some NBA news. Arie stroked a rose as if he was going to get rid of one of them, then said there would be a night portion of the date. At night the trio nervously drank dark wine. Bekah analogized Krystal to Donald Trump. Arie kept Kendall and got rid of Krystal. He shook her hand and said goodbye. The remaining girls popped a bottle of champagne. Krystal cried while Arie and Kendall made out under a strobe light in the Eiffel Tower.

“I feel like I’m gonna hurl,” Jacqueline said before Arie picked her up for their date in a red convertible. The convertible immediately broke down and Arie was unable to fix it. So they took a taxi to a store with a lot of different shirts and clothes. Jacqueline changed into a black dress and Melissa speculated Arie might take his dates shopping for clothes whenever he didn’t like what they were wearing. Jacqueline hinted she might have a lot more school to go to and Melissa and I tried to remember what her profession was. Jacqueline started crying. Arie made a good slow roll pretending like he was going to get rid of her before keeping her and making out with her on a staircase. At the rose ceremony, Arie got rid of Chelsea and Jenna. Both cried. There was a big rest-of-season preview containing what Melissa called “a lot of echo-y tears.”

Standings

Andie & Eric - 67 points
1. Tia - 16
2. Seinne - 11
3. Jacqueline - 11
4. Annaliese - 3
5. Maquel - 5
6. Jenna - 10
7. Marikh - 8
+3 last team standing bonus
With each of their top three picks still churning, Tia the Chipleader and a four-point lead, A&E are the favorites.

Julia & Paul - 63 points
1. Krystal - 9
2. Bekah - 13
3. Jacqueline - 11
4. Lauren S - 0
5. Lauren B - 12
6. Jenna - 10
7. Marikh - 8
Like the first Lauren B, this one has mounted a late-season charge. I don't see her winning like the first, but she's been a huge value pick. This will likely come down to she and Bekah vs. Tia and Seinne.

Kelly & Phil - 56 points
1. Chelsea - 12
2. Seinne - 11
3. Becca - 11
4. Kendall - 10
5. Maquel - 5
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Ashley - 6
I don't know how to power-rank the remaining castmembers. I suppose Tia and Bekah would be in the top tier and then Seinne, Jacqueline, Lauren B, Kendall and Becca would be in the second tier. With three "lower-tier" players left and a points deficit, K&P have to be considered underdogs to the top two teams. 

Andrea & Zack - 55 points
1. Bekah - 13
2. Caroline - 7
3. Chelsea - 12
4. Lauren B - 12
5. Jenny - 2
6. Bibiana - 3
7. Ashley - 6
This team is drawing dead to Julia & Paul.

Melissa & Tom - 47 points
1. Krystal - 9
2. Tia - 16
3. Annaliese - 3
4. Lauren S - 0
5. Kendall - 10
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Marikh - 8
The contending teams should all be glad we have Tia and their closer competition does not, cause our team isn't going anywhere with just she and Kendall left.

Bri & Doug - 43 points
1. Caroline - 7
2. Becca - 11
3. Brittany - 6
4. Jenny - 2
5. Bibiana - 3
6. Brittany - 6
7. Marikh - 8
Becca survived for Bri & Doug, but they've fallen into last place and will need her to crush to avoid the basement.

Episode Four

Synopsis

They went to Lake Tahoe. Arie and Seinne drove a large red truck to a medium red boat which they parasailed behind/above. Some of the other girls watched them through binoculars. They noticed that trees look closer through binoculars. Arie and Sienne had a picnic on the shore of Lake Tahoe. Maquel’s grandpa died so she went home. Arie and Seinne talked at a restaurant. Then they danced to a band called Lanco.

Many women went hiking with Arie. Most wore scarves. A white-haired former Green Beret and his wife had them pee in canteens. Arie pretended to drink some but it turned out to be apple juice. Then they ate bugs. They broke into two groups and hiked with maps to a lake that had a cabin and hot tub next to it. Krystal complained about some girls and some girls complained about Krystal. Tia cried and got the date rose, in that order.

Arie and Bekah rode horses to a hot tub. They got in it and touched each other. At night they had a boring conversation highlighted by Arie admitting “I feel like I’ve just become a little more boring.” Then Bekah told Arie she was 22. “Oh my God!” he said and covered his mouth. Arie expressed additional concern over her age before making out with her, reaching his hand through her earring to clutch the back of her head.

There was no cocktail party. DeMarcus Cousins crested 100 DraftKings points in double overtime. Krystal interrupted the Rose Ceremony to talk to Arie. He ousted Brittany and Caroline. Both cried. 

Standings

Andie & Eric - 46 points
1. Tia - 9
2. Seinne - 7
3. Jacqueline - 5
4. Annaliese - 3
5. Maquel - 7
6. Jenna - 6
7. Marikh - 6
+3 last team standing bonus
Big episode for Tia, who won a group date, cried, and further positioned herself to either win it or become next Bachelorette. She's now the overall points leader and has shown no weaknesses.

Kelly & Phil - 39 points
1. Chelsea - 7
2. Seinne - 7
3. Becca - 7
4. Kendall - 5
5. Maquel - 7
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Ashley - 5
I gave Maquel +3 for "exiting the show prematurely on one's own accord." I'm not sure what the proper ruling should be. Docking her points seems mean-spirited. Should she get the +3?

Julia & Paul - 37 points
1. Krystal - 7
2. Bekah - 8
3. Jacqueline - 5
4. Lauren S - 0
5. Lauren B - 5
6. Jenna - 6
7. Marikh - 6
With six players still alive, Julia & Paul could quickly rise to the top of the standings. But Krystal isn't inspiring confidence currently and Jacqueline isn't getting much screen time. This team could potentially head the other direction too.

Andrea & Zack - 37 points
1. Bekah - 8
2. Caroline - 7
3. Chelsea - 7
4. Lauren B - 5
5. Jenny - 2
6. Bibiana - 3
7. Ashley - 5
Losing Caroline was a blow, but this is still a quality team. Lauren B showed signs of life while Bekah and Chelsea continue to cruise through mild drama.

Bri & Doug - 37 points
1. Caroline - 7
2. Becca - 7
3. Brittany - 6
4. Jenny - 2
5. Bibiana - 3
6. Brittany - 6
7. Marikh - 6
Cataclysmic episode for Bri & Doug. They lost their first round draft pick as well as 2xBrittany. They're left with the boring Becca and a dreg. The hope is to avoid last place, and that hope looks bleak.

Melissa & Tom - 31 points
1. Krystal - 7
2. Tia - 9
3. Annaliese - 3
4. Lauren S - 0
5. Kendall - 5
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Marikh - 6
This was actually an excellent episode for our team, but clearly we're out of the mix. We should avoid last place at least.

Episode Three

Synopsis

Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B, Tia, Marikh, Bekah, Bibiana and Krystal went to a place called Glob where Arie was wearing a mask. They got inside a ring. Glob turned out to be an acronym for Gorgeous Ladies Of the Bachelor. Two former professional wrestler ladies instructed them on wrestling maneuvers. They were mean. They made Tia and Bibiana cry. Kenny from last season came on and wrestled Arie. They rigged it to let Arie win. Tia liked it. Then the girls wrestled. In the first match Maquel, who was dressed up as a lunchlady, beat Bekah, who was dressed up as a cat. In the final match Tia, who was dressed up as a Southern Belle, beat Bibiana, who was dressed up as Bridezilla.

During the night portion of the date, Krystal quickly stole Arie away and made out with him. Arie encouraged her to keep being aggressive. Arie told Tia he thought it was interesting that she cried. “He’s f*ckin* awesome,” Tia said. Bekah got the date rose.

Arie and Lauren S flew a plane to Napa Valley. They drank wine out of oversize glasses, walked, talked, ate salami and cheese, and walked more. At night they drank more wine out of oversize glasses and smiled at each other. Lauren S told a rambling life story about a failed relationship, her family, an eye infection, and music. “I feel like I’m all over the place,” Lauren admitted to Arie. He got rid of her. “I just want you to know that you are amazing,” he said. “Can I walk you out?” he asked. “Absolutely,” Lauren S said enthusiastically. “It’s a difficult goodbye, but it’s necessary,” Arie said. Lauren S cried. Caroline started crying too because of it. It turned out it was also because she was annoyed at Krystal.

Ashley, Becca, Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, Annaliese, Arie and a lot of dogs went to a park. There was another weird grainy Annaliese memory video. This one was of a little dog baring its teeth at her. They did a dog show. Chelsea couldn’t get her dogs to do much. A girl wandered onto the stage. At night they had some boring conversations while I checked DFS which was ruined by Jordan Bell and Joe Ingles and Melissa scrolled through an app on her phone. Arie made out with several women, but not Annaliese. Chelsea got the date rose.

Bibiana set up a bed and telescope at the mansion to talk to Ari. He used it to talk to other girls and make out with them. Annaliese tried to get him to kiss her but he wouldn’t so she cried. Jenna drunkenly made out with Arie. Annaliese asked Arie if he liked her and he got rid of her. “I know that you’re an amazing person,” Arie said and walked her out. At the Rose Ceremony, Arie got rid of Bibiana, who cursed and cried. “I am broken,” Bibiana surmised.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 30 points
1. Tia - 5
2. Seinne - 4
3. Jacqueline - 3
4. Annaliese - 3
5. Maquel - 4
6. Jenna - 4
7. Marikh - 4
+3 last team standing bonus

A&E narrowly won the last team standing bonus, as Lauren S's meltdown preceded Annaliese's. With Tia, Seinne and Jacqueline all likely ticketed for impending one-on-ones, the defending champs should be back in the mix.

Bri & Doug - 27 points
1. Caroline - 5
2. Becca - 5
3. Brittany - 4
4. Jenny - 2
5. Bibiana - 3
6. Brittany - 4
7. Marikh - 4
Brittany didn't get much screen time and could be a goner soon. That would leave B&D with effectively two players, so they could be facing an uphill battle.

Andrea & Zack - 26 points
1. Bekah - 5
2. Caroline - 5
3. Chelsea - 5
4. Lauren B - 3
5. Jenny - 2
6. Bibiana - 3
7. Ashley - 3
I made fun of this team last week, and now they must be chuckling down at us. Bekah & Caroline could both be contenders, and Chelsea may return value in the third round.

Kelly & Phil - 25 points
1. Chelsea - 5
2. Seinne - 4
3. Becca - 5
4. Kendall - 3
5. Maquel - 4
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Ashley - 3
Episode three was an encouraging one for K&P. Chelsea is now getting less of a villain treatment than Krystal while accumulating points. Their other players survived, and they'll continue to collect points.

Julia & Paul - 24 points
1. Krystal - 5
2. Bekah - 5
3. Jacqueline - 3
4. Lauren S - 0
5. Lauren B - 3
6. Jenna - 4
7. Marikh - 4
Julia & Paul have to be concerned about Krystal, but perhaps Jacqueline will make a deep run to keep the Denverites competitive.

Melissa & Tom - 21 points
1. Krystal - 5
2. Tia - 5
3. Annaliese - 3
4. Lauren S - 0
5. Kendall - 3
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Marikh - 4
Dire episode for us, as we had both of the meltdown girls. We'll need a champ and at least one more deep run to have any chance.

Episode Two

Synopsis

“Hey guys!” Chris Harrison greeted the girls, which sparked a discussion between Melissa and me on how to properly address gender-ambiguous groups. No solution was ascertained. Arie and Becca went motorcycling in Malibu where Melissa, Bailey and I went hiking a few times last spring. Krystal expressed concern over the motorcycling, which Melissa concurred with, and perhaps Doug, who used to motorcycle but no longer does, to the best of my knowledge. Arie drank champagne while Becca modelled with a fashion designer. An associate of Neil Lane’s (a regular on the show) showed up with a briefcase with earrings, inspiring Becca and Arie to make out. At night Arie noted that “Becca has definitely set the bar high” which was similar to what he said in the first episode – “Bekah has definitely set the bar high.” He made out with the former Becca after pulling a rope that said “Pull Me.”

Arie then flew in a plane to Scottsdale with Krystal. He revealed he had a job at 16 years old, which was strange because it’s said that working early develops a personality and Arie has no personality. “This could be, like, my life,” Krystal speculated. “Why would you move from San Diego to Scottsdale?” Melissa inquired. Then they went to Arie’s parents house to meet his Dutch parents and family. “I’m sure it wasn’t all rainbows and good times,” Krystal said. “Like when I had my botox the other day,” Melissa said in a Dutch accent pretending to be Arie’s mom. At night they had a dull conversation in a large abandoned building while I wondered if Bama had gotten on the board yet (I decided to watch the second half of the national championship on DVR after watching the first half at Murphy’s). Then they slow danced in a theater (Arie and Krystal, not Alabama and Georgia) while a guy named Connor sang a bad song.

Arie and a large group of women drove cars on a muddy track. Annaliese started crying because it reminded her of a bad experience she had as a child driving bumper cars. “It was just, like, a traumatic experience,” she explained as they showed a weird grainy montage of a young girl driving bumper cars. Annaliese cried again immediately after donning a racing suit, earning double points. Bibiana smashed some other girls. Seinne won. They drank milk. At night The Villain immediately took Arie away. “My patience has been trialed,” Bibiana announced before storming off and slamming a door. Arie aggressively made out with the much-younger Bekah before giving Sienne the date rose.

The next night Aria and Behak made out some more. Bibiana and Krystal had a spat. “You just dug a big ass hole for yourself,” Bibiana said. “There’s a lot of angry people here and I’m just the voice. And…mic drop.” Arie got rid of Lauren G, Valerie who nobody picked, and Jenny who cried and walked out without hugging Arie.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 16 points
1. Tia - 2
2. Seinne - 3
3. Jacqueline - 1
4. Annaliese - 4
5. Maquel - 2
6. Jenna - 2
7. Marikh - 2
Excellent start for the defending champs, as Seinne distinguished herself and Annaliese racked up double crying points.

Melissa & Tom - 15 points
1. Krystal - 3
2. Tia - 2
3. Annaliese - 4
4. Lauren S - 1
5. Kendall - 2
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Marikh - 2
Though Krystal got on the board early, she displayed surprising volatility and villainy. 

Bri & Doug - 15 points
1. Caroline - 2
2. Becca - 3
3. Brittany - 2
4. Jenny - 2
5. Bibiana - 2
6. Brittany - 2
7. Marikh - 2
Becca's date was boring, but she did nothing to hurt her standing. She should cruise into the top ten and could easily go much further.

Kelly & Phil - 14 points
1. Chelsea - 2
2. Seinne - 3
3. Becca - 3
4. Kendall - 2
5. Maquel - 2
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Ashley - 1
I'm not sure it's what Kelly & Phil wanted, but Chelsea played it cool in episode two and kept the target off her back. This could be a solid squad.

Julia & Paul - 12 points
1. Krystal - 3
2. Bekah - 2
3. Jacqueline - 1
4. Lauren S - 1
5. Lauren B - 1
6. Jenna - 2
7. Marikh - 2
Just like that, there are only two teams with all their players remaining (Andie & Eric are the others). It will likely come down to the Laurens vs. Maquel.

Andrea & Zack - 12 points
1. Bekah - 2
2. Caroline - 2
3. Chelsea - 2
4. Lauren B - 1
5. Jenny - 2
6. Bibiana - 2
7. Ashley - 1
Bagdrea picked up right where they left off the Survivor pool - the dungeon.

Episode One and The Draft

Synopsis

Phil, Melissa, Maisie, Bailey and I settled deep into the couch cushions of Phil’s family cabin above Lake George, CO on the evening of New Year’s Day. We had just watched an excellent sunset on Pikes Peak and then the full moon rising above the hillside.

We forgot to record it until 7:03 at which point Melissa thankfully remembered we needed to. So we missed the first couple minutes. When we started it a blonde woman was crying hysterically. Phil explained the blonde woman was a former runner-up whose husband was a racecar driver who died. Apparently a bunch of guys came on the show expecting her to be the Bachelorette but she wasn’t. “She ended up engaged to some guy in Salt Lake,” Phil explained. “I don’t think it worked out.” Melissa noted the blonde looked remarkably like Kelly. Phil noted that she actually looked remarkably like his ex-wife.

I finally realized the blonde was the actual Bachelorette and we were watching a replay of her breaking this guy in a purple shirt’s heart. It turned out purple shirt guy was going to be the Bachelor this season. He was revealed to be a realtor with peppered hair. Then they brought in the couple they always bring in to prove Bachelor can actually work even though we all know the actual rate of it finding a surviving long-term couple is around 5%, lower than the odds of finding someone via Tinder, a blind date, a dog park, a bar, Russian mail order, Burning Man, a political rally, or an AA meeting. Then a baby talked. I think it was that guy Sean mimicking what a baby would talk like.

There was a montage of the Bachelor getting his picture taken and driving a sports car. Phil asked us if we watched the “Coming Up” previews at the start of every commercial. We said we did not and thankfully he concurred which cuts viewing time down by about 20%, which was key cause we had another college football playoff game to watch after (it ended up being a dud). Chris Harrison previewed the show, noting the Bachelor was “arguably the best kisser we’ve ever had.” There was a vignette of a single mom from Maine spreading peanut butter, a realtor from Florida who was proud of her salesmanship, a 23 year-old photographer, an orthopedic nurse, an Arkansan immediately stereotyped as Raven 2.0 who then turned out to be a good friend of Raven’s, who is becoming a regular on the show. Then a ukulele-playing taxidermist came on.  “I’ve never had a relationship over a year,” she admitted. “Shocking,” Phil said. “Is this our season’s version of Whabooom?”

Then there were vignettes for a rock climber with a low-pitched voice, an Indian restaurant owner with a high-pitched voice, and a fitness coach from San Diego with a sad story about a homeless brother and a high-pitched voice.

The Bachelor, who was named Arie, got out of a limo and talked to Chris Harrison briefly. Then a limo filled with contestants pulled up. The first one out was the realtor, who stumbled over speaking her words. She told a cheesy realtor joke and went in. “This is starting off well,” Arie said. Here are my notes on the contestants:

Caroline - realtor

Chelsea – villain

Kendall – nervous

Seinne – elephants

Tia – Raven 2.0 good pick

Bibiana – babies would have blue eyes not liked by M

Bri – sports reporter

Jenny – graphic designer

Brittane J. – black, sticker that said “nice butt”

Jacqueline – New Yorker

Krystal - ***GOOD PICK*** music slowed down to romantic when she got out

Nysha – nurse

Valerie – server, Nashville, maroon-dyed hair

Bekah – rock climber hasn’t shown age

Jenna – lot of hand motions “so pretty” according to Arie

Marikh – Indian restaurant owner

Olivia – 23

Becca – decent, dropped to one knee

Lauren S – (Melissa nodded approval)

Lauren J – old Masters graduate

Lauren B – blonde

Lauren G – executive recruiter, black

Ashley - ***good pick***

Brittany T. – tech recruiter

Amber – spray tan company owner, Denver

Ali – Dallas stylist

Annaliese – mask

Maquel – photographer, 23

Phil poked fun at Lauren J. “A recent Masters graduate is not an occupation,” he scoffed. “You might as well be a pizzamaker.” He and Melissa also noted she was too old for Arie. Phil compared the mask-wearer to a former male contestant who was “a knobjob who wore a mask the first two episodes.” Phil then said the villain was a must-draft with our new double-drafting rules.

Chris Harrison told Arie to “get ready for the night of your life” and the latter went inside. The girls greeted him enthusiastically. Arie thanked them for coming on the show and they began drinking. The villain unsurprisingly stole Arie away immediately. “At the end of the day I am not a rude person,” the villain claimed even though they had just shown a bunch of clips proving otherwise. “Chelsea is very good at leaving me wanting more,” Arie said. Phil noted he hadn’t put his cufflinks on yet. The 23 year-old photographer stole him next while they further villainized Chelsea. The 23 year-old stereotypically took a selfie with Arie, who discussed how he had grown since his previous stint on the show. “Then I was more of a boy and now I’m more than a man,” Arie said. “I just threw up a little in my mouth,” Phil said. It may have been a precursor for the draft, which Phil missed cause he wasn’t feeling well.

“Interracially I have not had a successful relationship with a white guy,” one of the black ladies announced. Arie drove tiny racecars with Brittany with a Y and kissed her. “That was a lame kiss,” Phil said. “Their lips just grazed,” Melissa said. “That was such a great kiss,” Brittany said before exaggerating the kiss to the cameras and the other ladies. The villain was not pleased. “This mama means business,” she stated.

The girl with the ukulele played it for Arie. The girl with the mask kept it on for some reason. Melissa liked her. Someone, Caroline I think, wisely offered him pizza. “I’m never a fan of sticking something into someone’s mouth they don’t know is coming,” Phil said. Melissa concurred. “We don’t know allergies yet. It could be a safety issue.” Jenna had a strange encounter with Arie but he said he wanted to keep her around. “She’s a BSC,” Phil said. “Bat-shit crazy.” Annaliese took off her mask and had a fireside chat with Arie. Melissa nodded approvingly.

Chris Harrison delivered the First Impression Rose. “He just earned himself a couple grand,” Melissa said. The Villain stole Arie away again and made out with him. Then the Villain bragged about it to the girls. Some girls acted catty. Arie talked with more girls. Bekah asked him what three things made him excited to be alive. “Excitement” was Arie’s first answer. “Bekah has definitely set the bar high,” Arie said. “She’s twelve,” Melissa said.

Brittany with a Y speculated she might get the First Impression Rose because she kissed him first. “Are we calling a peck a kiss now?” Phil wondered. Arie gave the Villain the first impression rose. “Oh, no!” Phil exclaimed. Melissa booed loudly. “It feels like it just began,” the Denverite said. “It did just begin,” Melissa reminded her. “It feels like it is that way because it is that way,” Phil added. “Honestly, I would be like really devastated,” the Denverite concluded.

At a sunrise Rose Ceremony, the 23 year-old got the final rose. Arie got rid of the one whose dad had already met Arie. “It is what it is,” she surmised after some tears. The Denverite was disappointed. “It just sucks,” she said. Then she cried. “I know I deserve love,” she sobbed. “It’s been 18 hours,” Phil reminded her.

On the big preview trailer, they showed Machu Picchu, the Eiffel Tower, a cool-looking ocean and the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The Villain was further villainized. “It’s gonna be absolute mayhem and carnage,” someone predicted. Bekah cried while someone smiled cruelly. “I just can’t stop crying,” someone wept. Another girl cried hysterically. Arie cried, then hiked over a sand dune in a suit. An un-shown ex-boyfriend showed up. Some extremely tense music played. Arie and Sean hugged.

The Draft

Inspired by someone's brilliant expansion idea for Survivor (I forget whose), we decided everyone would be picked twice. This allowed every team to draft seven contestants. We used a triple-snake followed by a final round in which anyone remaining was eligible to everyone. This was the order:

1. Bri & Doug - Caroline
2. Kelly & Phil - Chelsea
3. Andrea & Zack - Bekah
4. Julia & Paul - Krystal
5. Melissa & Tom - Krystal
6. Andie & Eric - Tia
7. Andie & Eric - Seinne
8. Melissa & Tom - Tia
9. Julia & Paul - Bekah
10. Andrea & Zack - Caroline
11. Kelly & Phil - Seinne
12. Bri & Doug - Becca
13. Bri & Doug - Brittany
14. Kelly & Phil - Becca
15. Andrea & Zack - Chelsea
16. Julia & Paul - Jacqueline
17. Melissa & Tom - Annaliese
18. Andie & Eric - Jacqueline
19. Andie & Eric - Annaliese
20. Melissa & Tom - Lauren S
21. Julia & Paul - Lauren S
22. Andrea & Zack - Lauren B
23. Kelly & Phil - Kendall
24. Bri & Doug - Jenny
25. Bri & Doug - Bibiana
26. Kelly & Phil - Maquel
27. Andrea & Zack - Jenny
28. Julia & Paul - Lauren B
29. Melissa & Tom - Kendall
30. Andie & Eric - Maquel
31. Andie & Eric - Jenna
32. Melissa & Tom - Lauren G
33. Julia & Paul - Jenna
34. Andrea & Zack - Bibiana
35. Kelly & Phil - Lauren G
36. Bri & Doug - Brittany

Final Round:
Bri & Doug - Marikh
Kelly & Phil - Ashley
Andrea & Zack - Ashley
Julia & Paul - Marikh
Melissa & Tom - Marikh
Andie & Eric - Marikh

Valerie went unpicked.


The Teams

Bri & Doug
1. Caroline
2. Becca
3. Brittany
4. Jenny
5. Bibiana
6. Brittany
7. Marikh

Kelly & Phil
1. Chelsea
2. Seinne
3. Becca
4. Kendall
5. Maquel
6. Lauren G
7. Ashley

Andrea & Zack 
1. Bekah
2. Caroline
3. Chelsea
4. Lauren G
5. Jenny
6. Bibiana
7. Ashley

Julia & Paul
1. Krystal
2. Bekah
3. Jacqueline
4. Lauren S
5. Lauren B
6. Jenna
7. Marikh

Melissa & Tom
1. Krystal
2. Tia
3. Annaliese
4. Lauren S
5. Kendall
6. Lauren G
7. Marikh

Andie & Eric
1. Tia
2. Seinne
3. Jacqueline
4. Annaliese
5. Maquel
6. Jenna
7. Marikh

I love the new draft system and everyone I've talked to agrees. It corrected the major flaw of our previous simple snake draft, that the show is typically top-heavy as far as which contestants stand out as good picks and the ratio of how many points the contenders score compared to the pretenders. With double-picking, those massive points will go to two owners instead of one. It also made it easier to select the player(s) we felt confident about.

Only one contestant was double-picked by the same team: Brittany by Bri & Doug, curiously in rounds 3 and 6. Caroline was a divisive pick. I know she was very low on Julia & Paul's board and they were stunned to see her go first overall. I rated her very highly, but Melissa did not. Andie & Eric, Julia & Paul and Melissa & I had very similar boards. As Phil proclaimed, he and Kelly stuck to their Villain strategy and grabbed her #2. She wasn't picked again till #15. I was surprised Valerie went unpicked. I didn't see any red hair in the season-preview trailer but she appeared competent. Arie was dreadfully dull in the premiere but the live draft got me fired up for the pool. I hope we can do more live drafts in the future. It was wonderful to see everyone and talk trash in person. Hopefully Kelly & Phil are feeling better by now and Andie & Eric will do the right thing and move back to the Rockies soon.

Finale

Synopsis

On a cold, rainy night Melissa, Bailey and I convened with some tomato basil soup (from Safeway – I didn’t make it) and grilled cheese in front of the couch for the three-hour Bachelorette finale.  Rachel came out to watch the show with Chris Harrison and a studio audience. “I’m used to watching it by myself, I haven’t seen this yet, and yeah, it’s my first time seeing it and I’m used to, like I said, watching by myself,” she said. They ran a commercial and then announced Juan Pablo had gotten married. It wasn’t to Nikki who he chose at the end or anyone from the show. Harrison asked Rachel some ominous questions about Peter and she gave some ominous answers. Then some ominous music played as the actual show started. Rachel cried. Peter thanked her for her emotions. She gave him an invitation to the fantasy suite. Peter accepted. “And so, I, I will take this and hope that you allow me to take this,” he said. “I will,” Rachel said. “Allow you to take my panties off,” Melissa finished for her.

Bryan ad Rachel rode horses matching their skin tones through a vineyard. They had a conversation which brought out anxiety in Rachel. Harrison asked Rachel if she nearly broke up with Peter before fantasy suites and she said she almost did. Bryan admitted there was “something a bit off” before the evening portion of his date with Rachel, but he too got to go to the fantasy suite with Rachel. “I really feel like last night brought us a lot closer together,” Rachel said the next morning. Bryan expressed confidence about how it went and proudly strutted out of the suite. It was the opposite of a Walk of Shame.

Rachel made a “poor dress choice” according to Melissa for the Spanish Rose Ceremony. She approved of Peter’s blue suit. Rachel did too, apparently – she kept him and got rid of Eric. He made a classy exit and cried a little on the airport ride through the Spanish countryside. Then he came into the studio and asked Rachel how her heart was. She said it was good. There was a preview for a show called “The Good Doctor” which predictably intrigued Melissa.

Bryan and Rachel took a hot air balloon ride, then made out on a sofa. Bryan gave Rachel a personalized English/Spanish dictionary and they made out some more. Rachel wore a camouflage jacket to a date with Peter in a monastery. They talked in broken English with a Spanish monk before having an intense conversation in a windowsill that made Rachel cry. That evening Peter told Rachel he was in love with her but wasn’t ready to ask her to marry him. She cried once again, and after a long struggle over his refusal to propose on the next day, he cried too and they appeared to break up.

Peter came into the studio and I made a Just For Men joke. He talked with Chris Harrison and Rachel while I looked at Twitter reactions to Quincy Enunwa’s season-ending injury. Rachel said she cried her eyelashes off that night. Peter expressed a lot of frustration and sadness. He said he had to look at Rachel’s eyelashes on the floor for days afterwards.

Neil the Ring Guy helped Bryan pick out an engagement ring. Then Bryan got a ride up to a castle on a windy hill where Rachel was waiting for him. He told Rachel their first kiss was a like a “chemistry bomb had just exploded” and some other stuff but it was hard to hear over the wind. Rachel told him she loved him and couldn’t imagine spending her life with anyone else. Bryan asked her to marry him and she said yes.

Bryan then came into the studio and immediately asked Rachel to marry him again for some reason. She accepted again. They revealed Bryan had been going under the alias “Jerome” the last few months. Then there was a long trailer for Bachelor in Paradise. The highlight was Chris Harrison running into the ocean with a lifeguard ring while wearing a tuxedo.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 46

1. Bryan - 27

2. Alex - 10

3. Adam - 8

4. Blake - 1
Ultimately this was the best team and the Schwartzes deserve credit for drafting it. Most would have drafted Bryan with the first pick but the Alex/Adam combo was crucial. The Schwartzes are back on top after back-to-back last-place finishes.

Melissa & Tom - 39

1. Peter - 28

2. Josiah - 7

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

I didn't dock Peter any points for exiting before the final rose. It wasn't exactly "premature and involuntary", nor was it "prematurely on one's own accord" which would have entailed a 3-pt bonus. In this case it wouldn't have mattered, and won't matter even if Peter is surprisingly named next Bachelor.

Julia & Paul - 31

1. Dean - 21

2. Anthony - 7

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1
I still think Dean will be next Bachelor, though his stint in Paradise could affect that. If it's not Dean, then who? No one else from this season stands out and it's tough to think of a previous fellow who might be suitable. 

Andrea & Zack - 29

1. Eric - 23

2. Will - 7

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2
Good run for Eric. Outside of Dean he wound up being the most charismatic, watchable contestant this season. I can't see them going with a black Bachelor after Rachel's season, though. She stands as my favorite Bachelor(ette) of the seasons I've watched.

Kelly & Phil - 17

1. Jack - 3

2. Matt - 7

3. Lee - 6

4. Blake - 1
Whether or not a marriage proposal should be necessary to determine a winner could be debated endlessly - even more endlessly than Rachel and Peter debated it - but I think it's irrelevant. The only question is whether she liked Peter more than Bryan. If she did, then she made a terrible choice. I doubt she did, though. Things wrapped up pretty smoothly. I suppose we'll never know for sure.
 

Bri & Doug - 16

1. Kenny - 10

2. Iggy - 5

3. Diggy - 3

4. DeMario - -2
We have a few rules to straighten out before next season. We have " 'Saying I love you' or 'I'm falling in love with you' directly to the Bachelor" worth two points currently. This season I didn't mark it because it can be ambiguous and all the relevant characters ended up saying it anyways. We should decide if we want this rule to continue, if we want the 3-point first kiss of the season bonus to continue (usually someone kisses on opening night making this irrelevant), if we should make a season-specific bonus, and if there are any other rule changes worth considering.