Episodes Five and Six

Synopsis

Episode Five

 

They went to Fort Lauderdale. They went biking near the beach which reminded me of going biking on The Strand path on the beach between Marina Del Rey and Redondo Beach. Arie and Chelsea went on a nice boat and drank champagne. “I’m on a dreamboat, with a dreamboat,” Chelsea said. Maquel came back from her grandpa’s funeral. “I thought I would get some extra sleep, but I didn’t,” she summarized. Arie and Chelsea made out on a jetski. Chelsea told a sad but not touching story about how her husband left her with “belongings in trashbags.“ “She doesn’t blink enough, I think that’s what it is,” Melissa diagnosed. They danced in a garage while a woman with long hair and dark red lipstick named Tamil or something sang.

Maquel, Krystal, Bekah, Becca, Jenna, Seinne, Kendall, Ashley, Marikh, Jacqueline and Lauren B went bowling with Arie. Melissa and I agreed he looked good in a bowling shirt. They drank a pitcher of beer which looked to be some sort of cloudy non-crappy beer which impressed me and Melissa. Arie said there would be two teams and they would compete to continue on to the night portion of the date. Seinne bowled a gutterball. Jenna and Krystal got strikes. Bekah was bad.

Krystal’s team won but then it turned out both teams got to go on the night portion of the date. This tilted Krystal so she put on a bathrobe and sat out the date. Kendall pointed out if her goal was to get more time with Arie it didn’t make sense to sit out the date. Bekah made a good imitation of Krystal to the cameras. The girls told Arie that Krystal was dropping out of the date. “I just want to have fun and bowl,” Arie said and bobbed his head. “I think she’s just like a scared little animal in the corner with no friends,” Bekah said. “This is gonna be crazy.”

Arie went to see Krystal in her room in her bathrobe. They hugged for a while. Then they had a conversation in which things “deteriorated” according to Arie. “She won’t be joining us,” Arie explained to the other girls. “So we have the night to ourselves.” “All twelve of us,” Melissa said. We paused for the night and watched Fargo which is a better show.

The next night, after a wonderful trip with Zack to a brewery called West Cellar, Melissa and I resumed watching The Bachelor. Lauren B got annoyed with Krystal and cried. Then she and Arie asked each other questions before making out. She got the date rose.

Arie, Tia, and an unidentified man took a boat ride in the Everglades. They saw an alligator and a turtle. They went to a cabin on stilts where an old guy in a plaid shirt served them frog legs, catfish and deep-fried corn on the cob. Then they made out on the roof of the house. At night they went to an abandoned, well-lit boat/restaurant and Melissa made her first “Where’s the rest of her dress?” query in a while. “I don’t see myself winding up in Arkansas,” Tia announced. “I’m falling in love with you,” she stated shortly after. Then they made out.

The ladies went to The Bonnet House. “Yesterday, I wasn’t hiding in my room,” Krystal stated. “I was investing in myself.” I told Melissa I thought Krystal was the prettiest but if I was Bachelor my final three would be Bekah, Kendall and Tia and that Kendall would probably win. Right then Kendall dropped the word “correlation” which eliminated the “probably.” Krystal told Arie she grew up in a bowling alley. At the Rose Ceremony, Krystal got the last rose. Arie got rid of the recently-returned Maquel as well as the two dregs, Ashley and Marikh. The latter cried. 

Episode Six

They went to Paris. Tia said a shop they went to was “Parisian.” Seinne called the River Seine the River Seinne. Arie said it was going to be hard to choose from these ten girls. “What makes it hard?” Chris Harrison asked. “He can’t remember their names,” Melissa said.

Arie and Lauren B took a boat ride and then walked through a market in Paris. “I am super attracted to Lauren,” Arie said. “She is so beautiful. Even though I don’t know much about her, just spending time with her makes me really happy.” “That is so pretty,” Arie said, pointing to what Melissa believed was the church of Notre Dame. “Wow,” Lauren B said. “So pretty,” Arie said, pointing to what Melissa believed was the Palace of Versailles. “Wow,” Lauren B said. They further struggled to talk. “It’s more or less, like, before, like, I obviously would love more than anything for you to like me, you know?" Arie said. "And, that’s like, I’d love that, because I’m super interested in you." At night Arie told Lauren B he was going to be a dad to a child with an ex-girlfriend but she lost the baby and left him. Lauren B told Arie she was engaged to her ex-boyfriend and she appeared to cry briefly. It worked because Arie decided to keep her.

Arie, Becca, Seinne, Bekah, Tia, Chelsea and Jenna went to the Moulin Rouge. “This is amazing,” Jenna said. “This is probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” “Going to a strip club?” Melissa questioned. Bekah got the date rose and danced in a performance with Arie.

Arie, Kendall and Krystal went on a 1-on-2 date. There was a lot of boring conversation between the three of them in different combinations so Melissa checked her phone and I updated some NBA news. Arie stroked a rose as if he was going to get rid of one of them, then said there would be a night portion of the date. At night the trio nervously drank dark wine. Bekah analogized Krystal to Donald Trump. Arie kept Kendall and got rid of Krystal. He shook her hand and said goodbye. The remaining girls popped a bottle of champagne. Krystal cried while Arie and Kendall made out under a strobe light in the Eiffel Tower.

“I feel like I’m gonna hurl,” Jacqueline said before Arie picked her up for their date in a red convertible. The convertible immediately broke down and Arie was unable to fix it. So they took a taxi to a store with a lot of different shirts and clothes. Jacqueline changed into a black dress and Melissa speculated Arie might take his dates shopping for clothes whenever he didn’t like what they were wearing. Jacqueline hinted she might have a lot more school to go to and Melissa and I tried to remember what her profession was. Jacqueline started crying. Arie made a good slow roll pretending like he was going to get rid of her before keeping her and making out with her on a staircase. At the rose ceremony, Arie got rid of Chelsea and Jenna. Both cried. There was a big rest-of-season preview containing what Melissa called “a lot of echo-y tears.”

Standings

Andie & Eric - 67 points
1. Tia - 16
2. Seinne - 11
3. Jacqueline - 11
4. Annaliese - 3
5. Maquel - 5
6. Jenna - 10
7. Marikh - 8
+3 last team standing bonus
With each of their top three picks still churning, Tia the Chipleader and a four-point lead, A&E are the favorites.

Julia & Paul - 63 points
1. Krystal - 9
2. Bekah - 13
3. Jacqueline - 11
4. Lauren S - 0
5. Lauren B - 12
6. Jenna - 10
7. Marikh - 8
Like the first Lauren B, this one has mounted a late-season charge. I don't see her winning like the first, but she's been a huge value pick. This will likely come down to she and Bekah vs. Tia and Seinne.

Kelly & Phil - 56 points
1. Chelsea - 12
2. Seinne - 11
3. Becca - 11
4. Kendall - 10
5. Maquel - 5
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Ashley - 6
I don't know how to power-rank the remaining castmembers. I suppose Tia and Bekah would be in the top tier and then Seinne, Jacqueline, Lauren B, Kendall and Becca would be in the second tier. With three "lower-tier" players left and a points deficit, K&P have to be considered underdogs to the top two teams. 

Andrea & Zack - 55 points
1. Bekah - 13
2. Caroline - 7
3. Chelsea - 12
4. Lauren B - 12
5. Jenny - 2
6. Bibiana - 3
7. Ashley - 6
This team is drawing dead to Julia & Paul.

Melissa & Tom - 47 points
1. Krystal - 9
2. Tia - 16
3. Annaliese - 3
4. Lauren S - 0
5. Kendall - 10
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Marikh - 8
The contending teams should all be glad we have Tia and their closer competition does not, cause our team isn't going anywhere with just she and Kendall left.

Bri & Doug - 43 points
1. Caroline - 7
2. Becca - 11
3. Brittany - 6
4. Jenny - 2
5. Bibiana - 3
6. Brittany - 6
7. Marikh - 8
Becca survived for Bri & Doug, but they've fallen into last place and will need her to crush to avoid the basement.