Episode 1 & The Draft

Synopsis

“Oh God, he’s not even cute,” Melissa griped as the new Bachelor Ben Higgins was introduced. Ben shot hoops in front of a red barn at sunset in Indiana which was weird because now he lives in Denver. Julia actually chatted him up on LinkedIn, attempted to set her friend up with him, was told he couldn't date anyone and correctly deduced that meant he was gonna be the next Bachelor.

After his shooting session at the barn, Ben went back to the high school where he was quarterback of the football team. But he wasn't there for more sports, he was there to marshall a parade. Next Ben went and saw his parents, who lived next to a river and appeared to own a boat. His mom started crying but nobody had her in the pool so nobody got points. Then Ben almost started crying himself, announcing that “It had been a big month."

Then Melissa and I took twenty seconds to remember what Bachelorette Ben was chasing before remembering it was Kaitlyn the Canadian. Ben went and hung out with three ex-Bachelors: The Farmer, the Blonde One Who’s Still Married, and some short normal-looking guy. The Farmer was the only bachelor ex-Bachelor. For some reason he gave advice even though his engagement lasted like two months and he never took it seriously according to our friend Toph who knows Whitney.

Ben got ready with a nice suit and a crappy haircut. “There could be things I find out about myself,” Ben stated. “Like my terrible haircut,” I finished.

There were some quick vignettes on Lauren B the bubbly flight attendant, Caila the creep who broke up with her boyfriend after seeing Ben on The Bachelorette, Jubilee the scary war veteran, Mandy the weird dentist, the caricature blonde bimbette twins, Amanda the obligatory mom, Tara the Chicken Enthusiast and Samantha whose dad died of ALS. Somehow the weirdo chicken lady was the best of the bunch.

One by one, the girls got out of limos and met Ben at the mansion with the slippery driveway. There was the token goofball (Caila), the token awkward pretty girl (Jennifer), the token Canadian (Jami), the token black girl (Jubilee), the token mom (Amanda), the token bitch (Lace), the token teacher (Lauren R), the token foreigner (Shushanna), the token redhead (Laura), the token weirdo (Mandi), the twins, the token cowgirl (Maegan), someone wearing pajamas, the chicken lady and the token TV journalist.

A final limo pulled in and Chris Harrison welcomed in someone named Amber who I could barely remember from the Farmer’s season I think and Becca the Frigid Virgin. Lace the Bitch instantly lost it and started crying and cursing. Ben immediately went on damage control and calmed her down Juan Pablo-style, except it wasn’t Pablo-style cause he didn’t make out with her – he actually told her he didn’t want to make out. The twins were listed as “Twin” for their occupations. Melissa invented the word “bimbastic” to describe the crew. A girl with huge boobs in a low-cut black dress talked to Ben while he furiously tried to maintain eye contact. Ben gave the first impression rose to Olivia the news anchor.

At the rose ceremony, Ben got rid of most of the best ones, including the redhead, the breadbreaker, pajamas and Jessica who I had starred as “the possible winner." Then there was the annual long meandering season preview. There was nothing as exciting as V. or the naked guy running on the golf course, but someone did hiss “This bitch is crazy. She HIT ME IN THE FACE.” 

The Draft

1. Andrea & Zack        Lauren B

2. Melissa & Tom        Olivia

3. Andie & Eric        Caila

4. Bri & Doug            JoJo (Unicorn)

5. Julia & Paul            Amanda

6. Kelly & Phil            Jubilee

7. Kelly & Phil            Becca

8. Julia & Paul            Jennifer

9. Bri & Doug            Amber

10. Andie & Eric        Emily

11. Melissa & Tom        Leah    

12. Andrea & Zack        Lauren H

13. Andie & Eric        Haley

14. Andrea & Zack        Lauren B

15. Kelly & Phil        Jami

16. Melissa & Tom        Shushanna

17. Bri & Doug            Samantha

18. Julia & Paul        Rachel

Dregs: Jackie, Lace, Mandi

I really had no clue where to start with this year's draft. The personalities exhibited in the first episode were fleeting, and appearances in the the preview were harder to pinpoint than usual. Thus, I think it's more wide open than in previous seasons. Usually you have a pretty good idea of who is going deep after the first episode, but I didn't watching this one. So while someone like JoJo wasn't really on our radars at #4, I can't hate on the pick, cause I really have no clue who's going deep.

Briefly, I thought Kelly & Phil got excellent value out of Jubilee and Becca at the wraparound. I also thought Julia & Paul started well, grabbing Amanda & Jennifer. Then they complained about their luck and ironically fell to the last pick of the draft, the borderline-dreg Rachel (I would have gone with Jackie). I think A to Z drafted three Laurens sort of as a joke, but I also think it's a solid trifecta. Eric went with Twins instead of triplets, which was probably the WOAT move in pool history. I can understand going with a contrarian strategy in a winner-take-all tournament (it was executed to perfection this season by the Greenbergs in the Survivor Pool), but it's hard to imagine both twins going deep here after airheaded introductions.

Episodes 8, 9 & 10

Synopsis

Episode 8

 

Ryan Gosling asked Kaitlyn if she was in love with him. She murmured something unintelligible then said “I’m falling in love with you.” Gosling was not assuaged so Kaitlyn made out with him for a while. That seemed to do the trick.

Tanner expressed excitement over the brewing alpha battle between Gosling and Nick V, noting that “Shawn thought he was atop the totem pole.” Tanner didn’t speculate on where he stood on the totem pole.

Kaitlyn went on a 2-on-1 date with Kentucky Joe and JJ the Jerk on an Irish beach. Kentucky Joe told Kaitlyn that he liked her a lot. JJ the Jerk went for a different strategy, telling Kaitlyn that he cheated on his wife when their daughter was newborn. Kaitlyn said it was OK and kissed him while some upbeat music played. But she may have had a change of heart during the commercial break because when they got back the music changed to menacing and she got rid of him. She ended up keeping Joe around after verifying he could speak English and make out.

A jittery Gosling made his way back to Kaitlyn’s hotel room and had a long boring conversation that drove me to check my email. At the cocktail party Kaitlyn had an equally long and boring conversation with Ben H followed by an even-longer and more-boring conversation with Nick V and closed the circle with another very long and boring conversation with Gosling. The rose ceremony was well done because it made it seem like Gosling was going home, not because of the hype but because Ben Z was still around for the last rose and he seemed like a lock. “I didn’t see that coming,” Z said. “I DID NOT see that coming. Totally blindsided.” Z proved that real men do cry during his exit interview.

Jared and Kaitlyn went for a drive in the Irish countryside. Kaitlyn hit the curb “approximately three times” while driving on the left side of the road. They went to a castle I once went to where they kissed the Blarney Stone and each other.

After the date Kaitlyn went back to her hotel room alone, so it must not have been as good as her date with Nick V. “I feel like I got back on track tonight and I’m just feeling really happy in this moment, like nothing could go wrong,” she said. Of course, that cut to an edit of some ominous crescendoing music with Chris Harrison walking up the stairs. Kaitlyn made some vague confessions and Harrison told her they were going to an alternate fast-paced final structure. Harrison told her suddenly they would be cutting down to three, making this “a very pivotal week for you.” Then they would do Fantasy Suites, with only two guys getting Hometowns. I think it was just a cover to set up an obviously epic three-man battle royale between Gosling, Jared and V, likely culminating in the Grand Finale: Gosling vs the End Boss, Nick V.

The Dentist was chosen for a one-on-one date at a castle with a dog at the bottom. The castle was just a red herring as the date was actually above the Cliffs of Moher, first in a helicopter and then on a picnic blanket. Kaitlyn asked the Dentist how their lives would be together. “But, you know, life with me I think would be, we would be very close, and I think it would be fun,” the Dentist prognosticated. “And, uh, I also, like stuff like this, and I like going on adventures and I’ve had a lot of fun, really, this entire time.” That drove Kaitlyn to tears and she got rid of him. She escaped in the helicopter, leaving the Dentist weeping into a sunset whilst an Atlantic breeze blew through his hair. 

Episode 9

Ben H wore a large jacket and met Kaitlyn at a canoe. Ben H rowed them to a bright green island with deer on it. H talked about how much he liked Vikings before they played hide ‘n’ seek. After a “serious” conversation they drank stouts by a fireplace. This time Kaitlyn did drink the beer instead of her white wine. H expressed fear of being “unlovable” before both Kaitlyn and Melissa told him he was, in fact, lovable.

Kentucky Joe, Ryan Gosling and Nick V went on a windy date with Kaitlyn on a lawn. “Three-on-one, is, in my mind, just as difficult as a two-on-one,” Kaitlyn said. She proceeded to make out with each of them, but separately. Joe told Kaitlyn he was falling in love with her but she didn’t reciprocate. He was worried he stuttered. It wasn’t that. It wasn’t that he was speaking in Kentuckyian either. It was that Kaitlyn didn’t love him. She sent him home. “It’s been fun,” Joe said before awkwardly hugging her and sitting back down on a bench. Kaitlyn decided not to give the rose to Gosling or V. “On to the next,” she said like poker pros say after busting out of tournaments.

Kaitlyn and Gosling headed out to a classy, empty bar. Kaitlyn returned to her white wine while Gosling swilled a stout. Kaitlyn told him she had sex with V. A mosquito flew in my ear. Gosling went into the tank for a while before asking if she regretted it. Gosling went back into the tank for a few minutes before announcing he didn’t want to talk about V anymore. Melissa concurred. Then he said he was going to “man up” and stay in the game.

The remaining contenders dressed up for the cocktail party. “Shawn’s gotten significantly less cute,” Melissa observed. “He’s gotten, like, ruddy.” Chris Harrison announced there would be no party, only a rose ceremony. They rode in a horse-drawn carriage to a castle/hotel for the ceremony. Melissa complained that I never gave her a rose in a castle. Melissa also complained about Kaitlyn’s shiny dress, which she believed was made out of mirrors. “It’s for narcissistic guys,” Melissa explained. “Ian would like it,” I said.

Kaitlyn tried to give Gosling the first rose, but he asked to talk to her first. Basically he told her he was ticked off that she banged Nick V, then they went back and he accepted the rose. Kaitlyn ended up getting rid of Jared. Perhaps she forgot that he beat Kupah in a fight. I said Jared could be a model and Melissa disagreed. “Well then, it’s settled,” she said. “We have different taste in men.” The hearse drove Jared off and he cried.

You would think that was the worst of it, but Ryan Gosling referred to the night as “rock bottom” even though he got a rose. He was dismayed that “The Other Guy” got a rose and would be going to the fantasy suite with Kaitlyn. He struggled to get his suitcase out of the hotel while a fiddle played.

The Other Guy went on a date with Kaitlyn in Cork, a cute city I once got to go to. They went to a cathedral. I’m sure Melissa would have had a snarky comment about that but she had gone to bed having already watched this episode while I was in Vegas. Kaitlyn & V then drank whiskey with some subtitled Irishmen.

Jealous Ryan Gosling brooded over “The Other Guy” while some wind whipped through his dark blond hair and against his chiseled jaw. The Other Guy told Kaitlyn there was one guy he had “no respect for” and claimed Gosling bragged about being “Eskimo Brothers” with famous country singers. Kaitlyn thought they were both just jealous but didn’t tell The Other Guy that. She pranked V., taking him to a candlelit jail that was a fake Fantasy Suite. Then she took him to a real hotel where they cheersed to getting to spend the night together. Then they spent the night together. Nick chose to do the morning taping shirtless, implying he had slept with Kaitlyn and smugly rubbing it in to poor Ryan Gosling who certainly just watched the show.

“I got to know Nick better,” Kaitlyn said. “A LOT better.”

Gosling didn’t take it well, storming over to V’s hotel room and confronting him for being “manipulative”, “arrogant”, and “cocky.” “I know who I am and I know who you are, and we’re completely different guys,” Gosling said venomously. “I think you’re an a*****.”

It finished with a confusing check-in on Britt and the Singer-Songwriter. They made it seem like they were going to continue to date long-distance. But they also made it seem like maybe they were breaking up and the explanation was sort of a cover.

Episode 10

  

It picked up with Ryan Gosling continuing to bitch Nick V out. “Clash of the Titans,” Zack said. Gosling quickly stormed out and it switched to Kaitlyn’s big date with Ben H. “He’s hot...and he's serious about feelings,” she said.

They rode horses around Ireland, eventually coming across some donkeys. Ben H commended the donkeys on their “sick haircuts” before they came across a pre-made picnic in front of a castle. Melissa made her usual complaint that I never did that with her.

Ben H launched into a tedious monologue attempting to praise Kaitlyn. “So I was, uh, I dunno, the last couple weeks have been, really good with you, and I, especially with me,” he began. He driveled on for another minute or two (who knows, it could have been half an hour before the edit) before finishing. “That’s really nice,” Kaitlyn said simply. Andrea and Melissa laughed uproariously, then complimented H on his kissing.

H wore an effeminate sweater/robe to dinner, which of course they didn’t touch. Instead they made out and went to the Fantasy Suite. After the commercial break there was a shot of a lamb next to its parent. I thought it was suggestive of coital activities. Kaitlyn's description of the overnight was similarly suggestive. “We had a lot of fun,” she said. “I think I got a half hour sleep.”

Next Kaitlyn went golfing with Gosling. He drove the ball powerfully but his short game needed work. They played Truth or Dare and Gosling said he was “a Dare kind of guy.” Then he got naked and sunk a long putt. Sadly this was the “naked guy on a golf course” scene that I’d been looking forward to for so long that I forgot about it.

They had dinner under some chandeliers. It started off as a pleasant recap of a “normal day” but it soon devolved into another round of grievances about Nick V. Then they went to the Fantasy Suite. It was unclear how it went, but as soon as Gosling left he went straight home to bitch V out some more.

Chris Harrison interviewed Kaitlyn about the remaining three dudes. I’m 75% confident they said nothing of note but can’t be sure because I was checking World Series of Poker updates. Kaitlyn wore a low-cut red dress. “She waited to wear that dress till they’d all seen her tatas,” Melissa said. At the rose ceremony, Kaitlyn cried before getting rid of Ben H. Ryan Gosling and V chugged their drinks, then V rolled his neck and Gosling adjusted his suit multiple times. “There’s still an hour left?” Melissa asked in shock.

Then they went to Utah for unknown reasons. Nick V gave Kaitlyn a rambling speech about how much he loved her while his mom cried in a hotel room with Nick’s gigantic family. Melissa explained the family was probably Mormon. Her evidence was circumstantial but strong. Kaitlyn talked to the massive family before Nick told him mom he was “99% sure Kaitlyn loves me”, which would be extra-heartbreaking if he lost again. Nick then cried.

Next Kaitlyn met Gosling’s family. Gosling started it off with a slowroll, saying “Out of the 25 guys she met on the first night, I’m the only one left.” Gosling’s older sisters talked with Kaitlyn for so long I started reading a 538 article on drinking water.

Gosling’s dad Steve, who was wearing the same shirt as his son, gave him sort of a hard time on a deck. Then Gosling pulled another slowroll on Kaitlyn about how he loved her. Gosling said he was disappointed she didn’t say it back. “Have you seen the show, bro?” Zack asked. It ended with Kaitlyn peering out at a valley, crying while some birds chirped. 

Standings

Andrea & Zack: 38 points

Nick V: 26

Tanner: 8

Jonathan: 4
Remember when I argued A to Z were overaggressive taking Nick V first overall because his late entrance would make it hard for him to accrue enough points? Haha. Although my totals could be off (you guys should check your own scores), V now has 5 points more than second-place Gosling. This man is the Russell Westbrook of Fantasy Bachelorette. We still don't know if he was the right choice, however, as the more obvious pick for the #1 draft pick, Gosling, is still in the hunt. But A to Z's third-round pick (Jonathan) so outscored Julia & Paul's (Cory) that they should win the pool regardless of who takes Final Rose.

Andie & Eric: 34 points

Chris: 8

Ben H: 17

Justin: 6
+3 last team standing bonus 

It was a good run from the defending champs, and you could even argue they drafted the best team. I think Ben H has the best shot at being the next Bachelor.

Julia & Paul: 29 points

Shawn B: 21

Joe: 8

Cory: 0

I gave Joe a -3 for "exiting the show prematurely and involuntarily", which seems a tad unfair but correct by the letter of the law. I gave Chris the same -3. But even if Gosling ends up winning in two weeks, J&P will still likely lose by more than 3.

Melissa & Tom: 24 points

Jared: 15

Ian: 8

Clint: 1

Bri & Doug: 21 points

Joshua: 6

Ben Z: 11

Ryan B: 4

Kelly & Phil: 12 points

Corey: 3

JJ: 8

Daniel: 1
12 points sounds laughable, but A to Z actually scored just 6.5 on Juan Pablo's season. We will have to continue to tinker with the rules - the pool scoring still seems a bit topheavy.

Episodes 6 & 7

Episode 6

Synopsis

Nick V met the other contestants. He was quickly questioned about recently meeting former Bachelorette Andi Dorfman. V said they “buried the hatchet” but it was unclear if that was a euphemism. The guys sat around grumpily swilling their beverages except for Tanner who cross-examined V as if he was on trial for murder. “I don’t like it,” the Welder seethed. “I don’t like it at all.” Ryan Gosling rubbed his chin stubble.

The cocktail party was at a baseball stadium. JJ the Jerk pretended Kaitlyn was a baseball bat. Tanner and the Welder continued to complain. Ryan Gosling panicked like Zack on Dr. Mario level 20 after receiving an early double. Kaitlyn peaced Ryan B, Jonathan and Corey at the rose ceremony, giving A&E the last team standing bonus.

The remaining dudes went to a hotel in San Antonio and continued to grumble about Nick V. “I’m sick of talking about Nick V already and I’m only 20 minutes in,” Melissa texted. Ben H and Kaitlyn drove a red truck to a dance hall. They competed in a dancing contest with some rednecks including an ancient white-haired Texan lady Melissa liked. Ben H was ok and Kaitlyn was pretty good. At dinner Ben H talked about a relationship that went bust and got a rose.

Kaitlyn then went on a mammoth mariachi group date with every guy and his brother. They were all pretty bad, but Ian particularly “choked” in his own words. Nick V put on a big production. He couldn’t sing worth a damn but had some decent rhymes. “Kudos to the guys who gave Nick V kudos,” Melissa texted. Those guys were self-secure Jared and, surprisingly, Tanner.

For some reason the Welder had Kaitlyn give him a haircut. She screwed up and buzzed one side of his hair off. It didn’t stop his incessant whining about Nick V. “Nobody wants to be that weasel that throws somebody under the bus,” the Welder said as he blew out his rotator cuff trying and failing to toss Nick V under a 32-foot yellow vehicle driven by Ms. Frizzle. Instead the Welder found himself hoisted beneath the wheels of the RTD flagship by every other guy on the show. JJ the Jerk made his standard proclamation: “You lied to all of our faces.” “If you were a good guy you wouldn’t do that,” Jared added. Kaitlyn paved an HOV lane for the wheeled mass transit vehicle by giving Nick V the date rose.

Ryan Gosling dropped a “right reasons” before going kayaking with Kaitlyn. His hair, five o’clock shadow, smell (according to Kaitlyn) and torso (according to Melissa) were all immaculate. Gosling defended the Welder, told Kaitlyn some car crash stories as if they were Walter White’s secrets then told her he was falling in love with her.   

Ian finally fulfilled his stereotype (the Ivy League stereotype, not the black stereotype, Paul) with a splendid eruption of douchebaggery. A few highlights:

• “This the first time in my life that I feel like I’m flying under the radar.”
• “A lot of women like me. I don’t think that’s ever been an issue for me.”
• “I don’t understand why Kaitlyn wouldn’t want me – Princeton graduate, former model that defied death and has been around the world a couple of times.”
• “I don’t think that Kaitlyn understands the full extent of who I am – and who I am is a catch: good-looking guy who’s smart.”
• “I would make a great Bachelor. If I was on the other side of the coin, that if I had 25 options, that it would be something that could definitely work out.”
• “I don’t find Kaitlyn interesting. I don’t think that’s something wrong with me, I think that’s something wrong with her.”
• “She’s not half as hot as my ex-girlfriend.”
• “Against all of my logic, Kaitlyn doesn’t want someone like me."
• “If one of these lames is better than me, then just pick one of the lames. Like, I bring so much more to the table than any of these guys here. I have a good job, good education, charisma, brains, looks. If that wasn’t impressive enough, then I don’t know what else is impressive here.” Perhaps humility.
• “I am an enigma, and who I am is a gift you unwrap from life.”
• “I meet chicks and I have a lot of sex in my own life.”

Episode 7

Melissa, Bailey and I plopped down on the couch in our Las Vegas rental after delightfully stuffing our stomachs at Holstein's courtesy of Julia's recommendation. Melissa thought the old TV looked strange. “This TV makes it look like a cheap soap opera,” Melissa said. “It is,” I explained. Ian got right back to his expulsion of narcissism:

• “What I am is pretty deep.”
• “I’m too deep a thinker. I’m too self-aware.”
• “I went to Princeton, Deerfield, and that’s what I have to offer.”
• “I’m an interesting guy. I’ve had a lot of different experiences.”
• “I’m being punished for being an intellectual.”
• “I don’t find that women have trouble relating to me because I’m too deep.”
• “I feel like I’m destined to be The Bachelor. If I was made Bachelor I think they would come out of the woodworks, mannn. I think they’d be like, oh $*@!, I want to go out with that guy. He’s so deep.”

Kaitlyn summarized her (and all of our) feelings with this statement: “I am like, angry right now.”

Nick V capitalized on Kaitlyn's hurt with a visit while the Welder & company complained. “I’m starting to lose my mind,” Ryan Gosling said, then went up to talk to Kaitlyn only to see her making out with V. “I can’t believe the stuff Ian said to me,” Kaitlyn said. “Me neither,” I said.

Chris Harrison came in, cheerily chimed a glass, and brought the crew to the Alamo for the Rose Ceremony. “Oh dear God, it’s a different battle of survival,” the Welder murmured in terror. “Game faces, guys,” Gosling said. Harrison told Kaitlyn it wouldn’t get any easier and that he was excited to be in his home state. “Texan,” Melissa said. “Answers a lot of questions."

“Do you think the Welder is going home?” Melissa asked. “I think Tanner is gone,” I replied. “Which one’s Tanner?” Melissa asked. “Exactly,” I said.

“There’s a reason they call Texas the Wild West,” the Dentist said. He later added “I want a rose so bad I would pull my own tooth.” 

“The Alamo is my last stand,” the Welder said. He was right. He made sure to fire a parting shot at Nick V on his way out. Justin was also sent packing.

The guys went to Ireland and drank stouts. To the disgust of Ryan Gosling and co., Kaitlyn chose Nick for a one-on-one date. They went to a park. Kaitlyn was frightened by birds. Then they went and bought rings from a woman who looked like an older JK Rowling. Then they made out in an alley. Then they went to a pub. Instead of drinking they made out in front of an old guy.

They had dinner in some church. Or rather, they had a sip of whiskey and got back to making out. “In a church? Come on,” Melissa said. Kaitlyn asked V to come back to her hotel. On the way, they furiously made out under an arch. At the hotel they made out on a couch while V touched her leg. “I want to know every part of you,” Nick said. “You never say that to me, geez,” Melissa said.

Kaitlyn and Nick went into a room in her suite and closed the door. They seemed to still be mic'd up though, or maybe the audio equipment the eight other production guys in the room held was just powerful. There were sounds of Kaitlyn and Nick V continuing to make out, occasional snippets like “I could get a hold of you”, a lot of heavy breathing, and some moaning before an ominous fade-out.

The next morning Kaitlyn wore a bathrobe and peered out from a balcony while Nick V strolled back to the hotel. When he got there he told the guys about their date. Sort of. "We went to a park, hung out at a bar for a while, and then she took me back to her hotel and we just kinda chilled on the couch." “And then I boned her,” Melissa added. 

Six of them went to a dark room and saw Kaitlyn lying in a coffin. They composed speeches pretending that she was dead. Tanner’s was superb. Jared’s was meh. The Dentist’s "Danny Boy" rendition was sorta amusing. Ben H said “um” a lot and didn’t rhyme. Ryan Gosling made a good joke at V’s expense. Ben Z had the other guys leave and muttered something emo.

That night they went to the Guinness Factory and swilled Guinness while Kaitlyn drank white wine for unknown reasons. Ryan Gosling pulled out some photos of his family to show Kaitlyn. Actual paper pictures. Apparently he doesn’t have a phone. Kind of like Paul six months ago. Kaitlyn gave Jared the date rose and they walked up a candlelit path to see the Cranberries play the song “Linger.” Jared said the Cranberries were Kaitlyn’s “favorite band” which seems hard to believe because the Cranberries are nobody’s favorite band, though I do actually believe their song “Dreams” is the most played song in the history of the world. Seriously, I think it is. You hear it everywhere.

Gosling continued his descent into the pain chamber. He swilled his beer contemptuously before stalking off, dropping a string of curses to some production dude, announcing “I can’t do this” and staggering over to Kaitlyn’s hotel room. “I don’t want to do this anymore," he announced. “That’s an obligatory line every season,” Melissa said.

Standings

Andie & Eric: 28 points

Chris: 9

Ben H: 10

Justin: 6
+3 last team standing bonus 

The defending champs have rabbited out to a big lead, but don't appear to have the legs for a stretch run. Justin is busto, the writing is on the wall for the Dentist and H will be lucky to make hometowns.

Andrea & Zack: 24 points

Nick V: 12

Tanner: 8

Jonathan: 4
Well, well, well. A to Z's controversial selection of V at #1 overall is starting to look genius. V passed Gosling and the Bens with a monster 8-point episode (1-on-1 date, rose, sex) and now trails only Jared in points. Most importantly, V is now the overwhelming favorite for Final Rose. Sure Kaitlyn is horny, but asking V to spend the night goes deeper than lust. She wouldn't have done this unless she was planning on going with him at the end. Tanner has proven a worthy second banana. This is V's show to lose and A to Z's pool to lose. 

Melissa & Tom: 22 points

Jared: 13

Ian: 8

Clint: 1

Ian grabbed three points for "exiting on his own accord", while both Jared and Gosling accrued the 2-point bonus for telling Kaitlyn they were falling in love with her last week. They appear to be headed for a climactic three-man battle royale with Nick V unless news of Kaitlyn and V's boinking breaks and one, two or all three of these hotheads lose it while JJ laughs smugly from an interview studio. 

Bri & Doug: 21 points

Joshua: 6

Ben Z: 11

Ryan B: 4

Manly Ben Z appears ticketed for a top-5 finish, but doesn't have the magnetism of Gosling, V or Jared. There's nothing to see here.

Julia & Paul: 17 points

Shawn B: 10

Joe: 7

Cory: 0

Uh oh. This team looked strong as recently as a week ago but could be in big trouble. It's hard to tell if Gosling is cracking or if his struggles have been overblown, but he's starting to look a little more like the guy on the left here. He could even find himself in the hearse before the next commercial break. I still think he's going top three but he's fallen way behind Jared and V. Should Gosling stick it out, he'll be the favorite to be next season's Bachelor. Meanwhile, Kentucky Joe is an underdog to survive an impending 2-on-1 vs. JJ the Jerk.

Kelly & Phil: 13 points

Corey: 3

JJ: 9

Daniel: 1

Ouch. The one-time champs have just about locked up a last-place finish already. It will be a bummer when JJ departs and not just for K&P. With Ian out, the Jerk is the most entertaining dude left. His screentime has waned since Clint's departure, but every smarmy comment has been gold.

Episode 5

Synopsis

Kaitlyn gave Clint the boot. “He has really little ears for his head size,” Julia observed. “They’re like child ears!” She was right – they were tiny, which was more obvious after Paul rewound it and we examined them three more times. “I think you should say sorry to all of us right now,” JJ the Jerk said to his supposed BFF and they got into a cursing match. After Clint left JJ started crying, slapped himself and told himself to “Suck it up.”

During the aftermath Julia laughed at the box of potatoes the guys had in their kitchen. “It’s like they’re just going to pick them up and eat them like apples or something,” she said.

“JJ and Clint’s break-up was by far the most dramatic break-up in the history of the Bachelorette,” Jared said. Kaitlyn decided not to have a rose ceremony. Instead, the guys put on their coats and went to New York City. Eight of them went to hang out with some guy named Doug E. Fresh. “Do you know who Dougie Fresh is?” Melissa texted me. “Do you know who that person is?” Julia asked simultaneously.

Dougie Fresh instructed them on how to have a rap battle, 8-Mile style. They attempted to battle. JJ mentioned “NYC hos” and the crowd booed. Ryan Gosling made a good joke while showing off his abs. Justin compared Ryan Gosling to Ryan Gosling. “This is the worst rap battle I have ever seen,” Kaitlyn summarized.

After the battle Kaitlyn chatted with some former cast members including Ashley Kardashian. Nick V came back on the show. Apparently they’d chatted on social media. “The idea that you could potentially get engaged and I wouldn’t have met you kinda bugged me,” Nick said. Kaitlyn wasn’t sure what to do but was clearly intrigued. “Look at those eyes. She’s enamored with him,” Paul said.

Kaitlyn went back to the group date and told the guys about Nick V. They were not thrilled about it. Cool and confident Ryan Gosling seemed shaken for the first time. “He considered himself the front-runner before,” Julia said. “He’s not happy,” Paul noted. “At all.”

Kaitlyn went and met Nick V on a dark pier next to a big boat. “So emo with the voice over and the city scenes,” Melissa texted. As Nick V and Kaitlyn talked and kissed I halfheartedly tried to defend him. It was unsuccessful. “I think he’s extremely self-centered,” Paul said. “I think he’s a media whore,” Julia said. “What a weird, slimy dude,” Melissa texted.

I said it was OK for Nick V to call Andi out for sleeping with him because she said “It was always Josh” and got engaged to Josh a couple days after. Julia argued that if Nick V had been a woman he would be seen as naïve and looked down upon for sleeping with Andi. “Two wrongs don’t make a right, Moon. Write that down,” Paul proclaimed, then said the quote was from “a Ryan Reynolds movie.” Julia informed him it was an old saying. Paul said he knew that, he just meant the “Write that down” part.

Kaitlyn went back and told the guys she was going to sleep on the decision. “Why are they all wearing jackets inside?” Julia inquired. Justin was the only one who was cool about Nick V, so he got the group date rose. “That might be the least significant rose in the history of the show,” Tanner said.

They went back and told the other guys at the hotel. The Welder was not pleased. “You have no shot anyways,” Paul said to him. “You should not be upset.” Julia noted that he was wearing a different jacket than he was earlier. “She’s making a poor decision Moon,” Paul declared. “Ugh,” Julia moaned. “I agree.”

Kaitlyn went and got her hair done by crazy Ashley S. “Omg!! So many old cast members!” Melissa texted. Both Melissa and Zack sarcastically texted quotes from Kaitlyn’s conversation with crazy Ashley S. “She’s actually an intelligent person,” was Melissa’s. “I still would not let her near my head with a curling iron!!! Yikes!!” Zack’s was “After talking with Ashley S, I’m more confused than ever.” Despite her alleged confusion, Kaitlyn went and met Nick V. again and invited him to be on the show.

Poor Jared had to follow that up. He did get to meet Kaitlyn at the Met with nobody there (except for the cameramen, the producers, the prop and costume people, makeup artists, the boom operator, etc.) Kaitlyn was distracted thinking about Nick V (and possibly the boom operator for all we know) but Jared hung in there and recited a poem. Then they went on a helicopter ride and made out.

Kaitlyn broke the news to the guys that Nick V would be joining the show. Ryan Gosling was not pleased. “Whhhoaaa, look at his face!” Julia gasped. “I do not like the energy right now in this room,” Kaitlyn said. Ryan B asked if she might start pulling guys in off the street and referenced vampires.

Ian, The Dentist, Kentucky Joe, The Welder and Ben H went to Broadway to participate in a stage production of Aladdin. They hung out with a producer who looked like James Spader, the Aladdin actor who looked like Mark Sanchez and the Jasmine actress who looked like Jasmine. They had the guys act and sing.

The Welder struggled mightily. Joe didn’t know the words. Paul cursed. “Ian looks the part,” Paul said. “He’s vaguely ethnic, so he’s Aladdin?” Julia questioned sarcastically. “I mean, he sang the best,” Paul stammered. The Dentist gave it everything he had. “I don’t think he’s mocking it,” the James Spader guy said. “He just doesn’t know what he’s doing.” Still, they chose The Dentist, then let them be on stage for like five seconds without letting them talk.

Then Kaitlyn and The Dentist went and saw the Times Square Ball, which The Dentist considered to be “The center of the universe.” The show ended without a rose ceremony for a second straight time. Instead it ended ominously with Nick V. riding an elevator up to meet the other contestants. 

Standings

Bri & Doug: 15 points

Joshua: 4

Ben Z: 7

Ryan B: 4

B&D are just cruising along. It's obvious Ben Z is their only pony worth sweating, but he's a legit contender and the others (along with a possible last team standing bonus) have done enough to give them a shot.

Andie & Eric: 15 points

Chris: 5

Ben H: 5

Justin: 5

The Dentist finally got some one-on-one time with Kaitlyn and failed to impress. Julia immediately noted how little chemistry they seemed to have compared to Kaitlyn and Nick V. The Dentist is a plucky chap headed for a depressing limo ride to the airport. Ben H and Justin are similarly unobjectionable and uninspiring. This team appears to lack the firepower to win the pool.

Kelly & Phil: 10 points

Corey: 3

JJ: 6

Daniel: 1

Unless Corey pulls a Whitney - a surprise date that reveals a depth and excitement he thus far hasn't shown - K&P will be relegated to cheering for their boys to escape a last-place finish. That will mean rooting for JJ the Jerk. Not fun times.

Melissa & Tom: 9 points

Jared: 6

Ian: 3

Clint: 1

The good news is Jared is has the chops to challenge for a championship. He's probably not in the mix for next Bachelor, but has a good shot at bringing Kaitlyn up Noreast for Hometowns. The bad news is Clint's self-destruction cost us three points and a shot at last team standing. Ian might soon be following Clint out the door, though he does have a chance at a self-chosen exit bonus.

Andrea & Zack: 8 points

Nick V: 0

Tanner: 4

Jonathan: 4
V will finally crack the scoreboard at the upcoming rose ceremony, but will Tanner and Jonathan survive? V may be all A to Z have left in just a few minutes of showtime.

Julia & Paul: 7 points

Shawn B: 3

Joe: 4

Cory: 0

Kentucky Joe is headed back to the boonies soon, so all the point-earning will be charged to Ryan Gosling. He'll produce with the best of em, but the gap is already 8 points and figures to grow before it shrinks. This could be the season where the team with the winner doesn't win the pool.

Dregs: 3 points

Kupah: -2

Tony: 5

I think we should make crying 2-4 pts for men in future seasons and should continue to add point-scoring wrinkles whenever we think of them. The more ways to score points the better.

Episode 4

Synopsis

During a confrontation with Kaitlyn, Kupah promised not to yell any more, then started whispering like I do at school when the noise light goes on at lunch. “This is such a weird f***ing guy,” Tony said. Paul laughed. “It’s not the comment, it’s who it’s coming from!” he gleefully exclaimed. “That’s the weird guy, and he’s calling Kupah weird!" Tony went on to talk about how difficult it had been to step away from his business, dog, and bonsai tree.

At the rose ceremony, Kaitlyn got rid of Daniel the fashion designer and Cory with no E. Then she cried.

Two humongous sumo wrestlers came into the mansion and banged gongs to wake the bachelors up. One of them was said to be the largest person in the history of Japan. JJ the Jerk said he loved Japanese culture and tried to support it with examples but couldn’t come up with anything other than sushi.

Six guys went sumo wrestling with the pros. JJ the Jerk made fun of The Healer’s butt. Joe’s left testicle hung out. The Healer got fired up to wrestle, predictably had trouble with the 600 pounders, then complained to Kaitlyn about the violent nature of her group dates. Melissa sent a text saying “Omg. I love Tony.” JJ the Jerk came over and escalated the conflict.  They had sumo wrestling matches. Clint, who wrestled in college, did the best.

During a commercial break Paul complained about the butterfly effect of Kupah’s exit. “Obviously after Kupah left she couldn’t get rid of Jonathan in the next rose ceremony or two,” he said bitterly. “So Bag got bailed out by that bulls**t.”

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, The Healer expressed his desire to go to the zoo, then packed his bags and left. It was unclear if he went to the zoo or went home.

Kaitlyn gave the group date rose to Ryan Gosling, which lightly perturbed Clint – but not that much because of his budding feelings for JJ the Jerk.

Kaitlyn took Ben Z to a haunted house they had to escape from. “Is this where they have sex?” our friend SamENole asked. It was actually similar to a thing Zack had just told me and Paul about. Kaitlyn was frightened. Ben Z was courageous until he had to go into a room with snakes in it. SamENole checked Twitter. Paul watched carefully even though he’d seen it the night before with Julia. Kaitlyn and Ben Z escaped the haunted house just before a toxic gas leak.

Ben Z told Kaitlyn he didn’t cry when his mom died and that he hadn’t cried in eleven years. Then they got in a hot tub, clinked champagne and made out.

Six dudes went to an elementary school to be substitute teachers. Naturally I got fired up while Nole and Paul talked about Nole’s laptop. They had to do sex education (the guys on the show, not Paul and Nole). The Welder said he learned everything he needed to know about sex from cows. The guys had to teach a bunch of stuff that would have been borderline-appropriate for high school students. Right about the time Nole and I realized this couldn’t be real Kaitlyn revealed that the kids were actors and it had been staged. Ben H got the rose and Jared took it well.

Clint and JJ the Jerk got hot and heavy, taking showers together, talking about turtles and playing guitars and stuff. Clint told the cameras he wasn’t interested in Kaitlyn but wanted to stay on because of his relationship with JJ the Jerk, so he put on his “power socks” and a good guy front and made up (and out) with Kaitlyn. Then he went back and drank ominously with JJ the Jerk. “Looks like we’re gonna have to catch some snakes,” Clint said to JJ. It was the second time he mentioned “snakes”, which Paul interpreted to mean “penises.” I was just confused. “Villains gotta vill,” Clint said and clinked glasses with JJ. 

The Welder and some other guys – “13 out of 15” according to Kaitlyn – told her that Clint was sketching out. “Clint is one of the biggest douches in Bachelor history,” Kaitlyn announced. “You don’t get negative points if the Bachelorette calls one of your guys a douche, do you?” Paul asked. “He has no idea what’s in store for him,” Kaitlyn said (referring to Clint, not Paul). “He is going to go down in flames.”

Standings

Bri & Doug: 12 points

Joshua: 3

Ben Z: 6

Ryan B: 3

Another excellent episode for B&D. Ryan B isn't getting enough screen time to contend, but if he can outlast Justin they should snag the last team standing bonus.

Melissa & Tom: 9 points

Jared: 3

Ian: 2

Clint: 4

Paul thought Clint was bisexual and fell in love with JJ, but JJ was probably straight and just liked him as a friend. Melissa and Kaitlyn called him a douche. I have no clue what to think. I guess it's douchey to hang around the show if you're not interested in the Bachelorette. The edit was confusing; it was unclear if ABC had a tricky situation on their hands and didn't know how to handle it or if Clint just went off the deep end.

Andie & Eric: 8 points

Chris: 2

Ben H: 4

Justin: 2

The defending champs are back in the mix with a trio of nice guys that won't finish last. We're still waiting on a breakthrough for The Dentist, but Ben H should keep the torch lit even if that never happens.

Julia & Paul: 7 points

Shawn B: 4

Joe: 3

Cory: 0

Even in a quiet episode, Ryan Gosling managed to win the group date rose. He's probably still the favorite despite Jared's rise. Gosling has a composure few of the others do. A Gosling win could be enough for J&P to win the pool, but that donut from Cory is going to hurt.

Kelly & Phil: 7 points

Corey: 2

JJ: 4

Daniel: 1

The noose is tightening on the inaugural pool champs. The fashion designer only managed to muster one point and Corey is having trouble distinguishing himself. JJ hasn't had that problem - he's distinguished himself as the token Villain.

Andrea & Zack: 6 points

Nick V: 0

Tanner: 3

Jonathan: 3

Here comes V to the rescue! He's a firefighter entering the burning building that is A to Z's team. Neither Tanner nor Jonathan appears ticketed for anything better than a double-digit finish. In A to Z's defense, there wasn't much better they could have done with their picks.

Dregs: 3 points

Kupah: -2

Tony: 5

I'm still in favor of +3 for "Exiting the show prematurely on one's own accord", even if it rewards kooks like Tony who fly off the handle. It adds some fun variance to the pool, though it is hard to predict who will off themselves and who will do so involuntarily.

Episodes 1-3 and the Draft

Synopsis

Episode 1

Chris Harrison walked around in a dangerously slick courtyard/garden/driveway. He re-introduced Britt and Kaitlyn from last season and they showed some videos of some dudes they’d be dating. One was a lawyer who was still looking for a law job so he was working as a firefighter instead. “Don’t you have to train to be a firefighter?” I asked like an innocent grandma five seconds before he took his shirt off and turned out to be a stripper.

Britt and Kaitlyn came out to the slippery driveway and two limos full of men showed up. Our notes on their arrivals:

Ben H – Denver, lost words in front of Britt but voted for Kaitlyn

Jonathan – Detroit guy with son

Clint – blonde Chicago

Ryan B –

Jared – Nerdy New England Superhero guy

Kupah – Troopah

Brady – Nashville Singer-Songwriter

Cory – Tall Texas

Ian – Runner Car Accident  ***GOOD PICK IF KAITLYN***

JJ – Denver hockey puck really likes Britt good personality but obsessive protector

Ryan M – token drunk obsessed with Kaitlyn ***DO NOT PICK***

Bradley – headband

Daniel – fashion designer

Josh – Firefighter stripper guy Kaitlyn doesn’t like

Joe – Kentucky guy prefers Kaitlyn

Justin – balloons guy

Tanner – box of tissues prefers Kaitlyn

Shawn B – Ryan Gosling fitness guy both girls love but he likes Kaitlyn

Corey – i-Banker volleyball plow your field joke

Tony – Healer

Shawn E – amateur sex coach hot tub car Canada looks like Ian Ziering

Chris – cupcake dentist prefers Kaitlyn

Joshua – welder

Ben Z – fitness guy with dead mom

Harrison came back out and told the ladies one of them would be going home that night. The ladies went into the mansion while a shameless muzak ripoff of Coldplay’s “Clocks” played. They even stole the bassline. Kupah Troopah said he was looking for a trophy wife. One guy went high level and recommended picking the girl that likes you, not the girl you like. One guy drew a picture of Chris Harrison riding a Triceratops.

Harrison came in (walking, not riding a Triceratops) and told the guys to vote for their favorite between Britt and Kaitlyn. “It’s all fun and games until Chris Harrison walks into the room,” Kaitlyn said.

The drunk guy did a bunch of drunk guy things and someone dropped the first “right reasons” of the season. After quite a bit of belligerence they sent a beret-wearing-bouncer to fetch him. Then Harrison admonished him like a kindergartener and sent him off in a limo.

The guys voted for who they wanted between Britt and Kaitlyn by dropping roses into wooden boxes.  “On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d say Britt is a solid billion,” the singer-songwriter guy said. He might be the next Bob Dylan.

The beret-wearing-bouncer helped Harrison unlock the rose voting boxes. Melissa asked if they got to keep the roses if they lost.

Episode 2

Chris Harrison slowrolled Britt before telling her she wouldn’t be the Bachelorette. She got in the hearse-limo and cried a lot. "Good thing she's wearing less eyeliner than last season," Melissa pointed out. Britt continued sobbing incomprehensibly for a while. Harrison then slowrolled Kaitlyn, telling her “I counted the votes and unfortunately Kaitlyn…I had to send Britt home.” Kaitlyn said she felt like she was going to throw up. “That’s the booze, my dear,” Melissa said.

Kaitlyn said it was “Hands down, the best moment of my life,” inspiring a mini-argument between Melissa and me. I was shocked and said that “really lowered my opinion of her” and then Melissa illuminated some of the perks of being Bachelorette (spectacular dates, hot men, hair, makeup) which sort of convinced me and sort of further lowered my opinion.

Kaitlyn said “I just want to thank each and every one of you” even though like ten of them voted for Britt. The Healer grappled with some internal conflict, as he showed up wanting Kaitlyn, then switched to Britt, but she got voted off. “There’s only one drinking fountain and we all must stand in the same line,” he said. “I’m almost ready to go home and dig my own well.”

The Northeasterner admitted that he voted for Britt. “I’m very, very happy you told me that,” Kaitlyn said. “Cause you’re going home now,” Melissa finished. The singer-songwriter said he “had felt more emotion in the last twenty-four hours than I ever could have imagined.” CBS instantly inquired on his availability for the Letterman finale.

The Dentist made out with Kaitlyn, which pissed off a bunch of dudes. But Kaitlyn gave Ryan Gosling the first impression rose and made out with him and gushed about it. At the rose ceremony, Kaitlyn got halfway through the roses before The Singer-Songwriter surprisingly bailed out and went after Britt. I thought it was a brilliant move in four ways:

1.     Instead of a 1 in 25 shot at Kaitlyn he immediately got heads-up with Britt.

2.     It seemed genuinely romantic; he did sacrifice the experience of being on the show.

3.     The timing of it, according to The Playbook, was perfect.

4.     It gave him time to beeline it to Letterman to replace Bob Dylan for the penultimate episode.

With The Singer-Songwriter out of the picture, the rose ceremony continued. “They must have given her a tutorial on how to pin those damn roses on the suits,” Melissa noted. It did look tricky. Kaitlyn got rid of the Hispanic Guy, Headband, Ian Ziering, and some other dude.

Then there was a legitimately exciting preview for the show involving Nick V and bodyslamming and sex and my favorite part, a guy running naked on a golf course. Then there was a cliffhanger ending showing The Singer-Songwriter setting sail for a tearful Britt.

The Draft

 

1. Nick V. (AZ)

2. Shawn B. (JP)

3. Jared (MT)

4. Joshua (BD)

5. Chris (AE)

6. Corey (KP)

7. JJ (KP)

8. Ben H (AE)

9. Ben Z (BD)

10. Ian (MT)

11. Joe (JP)

12. Tanner (AZ)

13. Daniel (KP)

14. Justin (AE)

15. Ryan B (BD)

16. Clint (MT)

17. Cory (JP)

18. Jonathan (AZ)

Dregs: Kupah, Tony

The big question heading into the draft was where Nick V would land. A to Z gave us an instantaneous answer by selecting the mesmerizing Milwaukeean first overall. At first I was stunned by this pick, mostly because Ryan Gosling was so impressive in the first episode and I thought he was a no-brainer at #1. But if you're A to Z and you really wanted V, first was the only chance to get him. Don't forget that Nick V was the most charming and interesting guy on his season and few of these guys can match his intensity. Don't forget that Kaitlyn is a slightly hipper version of Andi, who went all the way (in more ways than one) with V on her season. Don't forget this is a top-heavy pool and, as someone already mentioned, it's going to be terribly difficult to win it without the champion. Why gamble on a relatively-unknown Gosling when you can get a sure-fire thoroughbred in V? 

Because, I realized while adding up the team point totals, there's no telling when Nick will enter the picture, and of course there's no telling when he'll exit. He may be 10 points behind the big guns when he rolls in sporting that shit-eating grin. He'd have to snag the sex bonus and put a ring on it just to make up that difference. And when he does finally arrive, will he be going on dates with Kaitlyn or just swooping in now and then? He may spend substantial time on the show without accruing points. You have to give A to Z credit for sticking with their high-risk/high-reward strategy (picking Josh did win them the pool two seasons ago), but ultimately I think Gosling was a higher-floor, higher-ceiling choice.

After V, I thought the picks were shrewd. For once, there were few big gaps between our board and where the guys actually landed. Joe went a little higher than we were expecting but really they were kind of all the same after the Bens went off the board. We may yet see some horrific totals because we only got three picks each, but I can't hate on anyone's draft like Bri & Doug's last season.

Episode 3

Chris Harrison came on and asked Kaitlyn about the dudes she made out with on the first night. Meanwhile, Britt wept in a hotel room while talking to her mom on camera, so The Singer-Songwriter showed up and hugged her.

Eight guys went boxing with Kaitlyn and Laila Ali. The Healer was fortunate not to have been picked. Kupah drew attention by not paying attention to Kaitlyn. They had a boxing tournament. Gigantic Ben Z destroyed fashion designer Daniel. Jared knocked out bigger Ben H. Kupah whooped Tanner. Ben Z made short work of Corey in the semis. Jared pulled a big upset and beat Kupah. In the finals Jared’s Cinderella run came to a crashing halt at the fists of 6-3, 225 lb (and cut) Ben Z. “I wanted this to be fun. I feel terrible. I really didn’t want anyone to get hurt,” Kaitlyn said. “What did you expect to happen?” Melissa asked, “when you put eight testosterone-pumped dudes in a ring to fight for your attention?” Poor Jared went to the hospital with a concussion.

The others went with Kaitlyn to some warehouse or studio or something. Ben Z took a step forward by telling Kaitlyn that he liked to cook “all day”, then lost it by mentioning tailgating, then got it back by telling her about his dead mom. Kaitlyn got a mysterious note that we thought might be Nick V but it was Jared back from the hospital. He took a walk with Kaitlyn and kissed her. “My head may hurt but my heart has never felt better,” he declared. Ben Z’s knockouts and dead mom story paid off as he got the date rose and made out with Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn took Clint for a ride in a miniscule Mercedes Benz. She drove really slowly in the middle lane, a pet peeve of mine, and got passed on both sides. Melissa noted her “unwise” shoe selection as they walked up to a swimming pool. A “Conceptual Underwater Photographer” with a vague accent had them dress fancy and press their hands together before taking pictures of them underwater. Eventually they made out underwater. “I’ve never had a first kiss underwater,” Kaitlyn noted. “Really?” Melissa asked. “That’s where most of mine have taken place.” Their date wrapped up with some more kissing on top of a building and Kaitlyn said it might have been the best first date of her life.

Kaitlyn met Amy Schumer at an empty comedy club. Amy was funny, maybe even as funny as Jimmy Kimmel last season. Seven of the guys showed up and told some bad jokes, so they brought in three professional comediennes to help them out. “JJ’s a sweetheart,” Amy said. “He’s just missing charisma, humility, and sense of humor.” “Can she be the Bachelorette?” Melissa wondered.

Ian came on first and grappled with the microphone, then told a solid Juan Pablo joke. The welder made a decent joke. Jonathan came on acting cool but they didn’t show him tell a joke so maybe his material was bad. The Dentist came on and made fun of himself and unbuttoned his shirt. The Healer said he “I have been training for this my whole life”, but came on and bombed while JJ the Jerk ripped on him.

We decided The Healer was an unsleazy version of "Feathers" from last season of Survivor as he stumbled through a conversation with Kaitlyn. JJ the Jerk used his daughter as a sloppy segue into a long kiss with Kaitlyn. Joe made out with her too, said a few incomprehensible things in Kentuckian, then made out with her more. Kaitlyn gave JJ the Jerk the date rose and he made more cruel comments.

At the cocktail party he kept the douche flowing by stealing Kaitlyn at the beginning, proclaiming the comedy club date as “the best thing I’ve ever done”, then making more callous comments wrapped in conceit inside of arrogance surrounded by douchebaggery.

Even though we started it eight minutes late, took about five breaks to make tea, go to the bathroom, etc., and paused to check on the basketball game a few times, we caught up to the show as it went to another epic commercial. So we watched a classic episode of The Office (Take Your Daughter To Work Day), then returned to the cocktail party where Kupah embarked on a genuine, questioning conversation with Kaitlyn. But much like Andi, Kaitlyn would have none of it and freaked out at the thought of anything upsetting her perfect Amazing Disneyland Bachelorette snow globe universe. Then she overheard Kupah talking about it with the other guys and got rid of him. Kupah didn’t take it well.

The two-hour show somehow ended without a rose ceremony. Then there was an update on The Singer-Songwriter and Britt, who hung out seven straight days and decided to go steady.

Standings

Bri & Doug: 5 points

Joshua: 1

Ben Z: 3

Ryan B: 1

Ben Z is an impressive physical specimen. Josh the Welder is a favorite of Melissa's and Ryan B hasn't done anything offensive yet. This is a rock-solid team, though it lacks explosion.

Melissa & Tom: 5 points

Jared: 1

Ian: 1

Clint: 3

Jared deserves at least 10 pts for destroying Kupah, but all he got was a concussion from Ben Z and a trip to the hospital. The real story here is Clint, who should cruise into the final 10. 

Kelly & Phil: 5 points

Corey: 1

JJ: 3

Daniel: 1

Wow. JJ showed signs of irritability the first two episodes, but developed into hardcore villainy last night. What makes him most despicable is the fake good father face he puts on at a moment's notice. Kaitlyn hasn't seen through it yet (even giving him the date rose), though his premature steal at the cocktail party probably came off more desperate than "husband material." 

Andie & Eric: 3 points

Chris: 1

Ben H: 1

Justin: 1

The Dentist seems to be the only guy playing the Nerd Card this season, which differentiates him from this pack of bros.

Andrea & Zack: 2 points

Nick V: 0

Tanner: 1

Jonathan: 1

This team needs V and it needs him quickly. Tanner and Jonathan aren't going to pull much weight, and the latter could even expire at the impending rose ceremony. 

Julia & Paul: 1 point

Shawn B: 0

Joe: 1

Cory: 0

Ryan Gosling hardly made an appearance last night, but that's good news. He's been earmarked for a looming one-on-one.

Dregs: -1 point

Kupah: -2

Tony: 1

Kupah touched upon an uncomfortable aspect of The Bachelor(ette), which Kaitlyn either didn't want to hear or had been instructed to avoid: black people never seem to be eliminated the first episode, even if they have no shot. Kupah seemed to feel he should have gone home night one but was kept around to fill a quota. We all know a black person has never won or been the Bachelor(ette); has a black person ever been voted out the first episode?