Episode 1 & The Draft

Synopsis

“Oh God, he’s not even cute,” Melissa griped as the new Bachelor Ben Higgins was introduced. Ben shot hoops in front of a red barn at sunset in Indiana which was weird because now he lives in Denver. Julia actually chatted him up on LinkedIn, attempted to set her friend up with him, was told he couldn't date anyone and correctly deduced that meant he was gonna be the next Bachelor.

After his shooting session at the barn, Ben went back to the high school where he was quarterback of the football team. But he wasn't there for more sports, he was there to marshall a parade. Next Ben went and saw his parents, who lived next to a river and appeared to own a boat. His mom started crying but nobody had her in the pool so nobody got points. Then Ben almost started crying himself, announcing that “It had been a big month."

Then Melissa and I took twenty seconds to remember what Bachelorette Ben was chasing before remembering it was Kaitlyn the Canadian. Ben went and hung out with three ex-Bachelors: The Farmer, the Blonde One Who’s Still Married, and some short normal-looking guy. The Farmer was the only bachelor ex-Bachelor. For some reason he gave advice even though his engagement lasted like two months and he never took it seriously according to our friend Toph who knows Whitney.

Ben got ready with a nice suit and a crappy haircut. “There could be things I find out about myself,” Ben stated. “Like my terrible haircut,” I finished.

There were some quick vignettes on Lauren B the bubbly flight attendant, Caila the creep who broke up with her boyfriend after seeing Ben on The Bachelorette, Jubilee the scary war veteran, Mandy the weird dentist, the caricature blonde bimbette twins, Amanda the obligatory mom, Tara the Chicken Enthusiast and Samantha whose dad died of ALS. Somehow the weirdo chicken lady was the best of the bunch.

One by one, the girls got out of limos and met Ben at the mansion with the slippery driveway. There was the token goofball (Caila), the token awkward pretty girl (Jennifer), the token Canadian (Jami), the token black girl (Jubilee), the token mom (Amanda), the token bitch (Lace), the token teacher (Lauren R), the token foreigner (Shushanna), the token redhead (Laura), the token weirdo (Mandi), the twins, the token cowgirl (Maegan), someone wearing pajamas, the chicken lady and the token TV journalist.

A final limo pulled in and Chris Harrison welcomed in someone named Amber who I could barely remember from the Farmer’s season I think and Becca the Frigid Virgin. Lace the Bitch instantly lost it and started crying and cursing. Ben immediately went on damage control and calmed her down Juan Pablo-style, except it wasn’t Pablo-style cause he didn’t make out with her – he actually told her he didn’t want to make out. The twins were listed as “Twin” for their occupations. Melissa invented the word “bimbastic” to describe the crew. A girl with huge boobs in a low-cut black dress talked to Ben while he furiously tried to maintain eye contact. Ben gave the first impression rose to Olivia the news anchor.

At the rose ceremony, Ben got rid of most of the best ones, including the redhead, the breadbreaker, pajamas and Jessica who I had starred as “the possible winner." Then there was the annual long meandering season preview. There was nothing as exciting as V. or the naked guy running on the golf course, but someone did hiss “This bitch is crazy. She HIT ME IN THE FACE.” 

The Draft

1. Andrea & Zack        Lauren B

2. Melissa & Tom        Olivia

3. Andie & Eric        Caila

4. Bri & Doug            JoJo (Unicorn)

5. Julia & Paul            Amanda

6. Kelly & Phil            Jubilee

7. Kelly & Phil            Becca

8. Julia & Paul            Jennifer

9. Bri & Doug            Amber

10. Andie & Eric        Emily

11. Melissa & Tom        Leah    

12. Andrea & Zack        Lauren H

13. Andie & Eric        Haley

14. Andrea & Zack        Lauren B

15. Kelly & Phil        Jami

16. Melissa & Tom        Shushanna

17. Bri & Doug            Samantha

18. Julia & Paul        Rachel

Dregs: Jackie, Lace, Mandi

I really had no clue where to start with this year's draft. The personalities exhibited in the first episode were fleeting, and appearances in the the preview were harder to pinpoint than usual. Thus, I think it's more wide open than in previous seasons. Usually you have a pretty good idea of who is going deep after the first episode, but I didn't watching this one. So while someone like JoJo wasn't really on our radars at #4, I can't hate on the pick, cause I really have no clue who's going deep.

Briefly, I thought Kelly & Phil got excellent value out of Jubilee and Becca at the wraparound. I also thought Julia & Paul started well, grabbing Amanda & Jennifer. Then they complained about their luck and ironically fell to the last pick of the draft, the borderline-dreg Rachel (I would have gone with Jackie). I think A to Z drafted three Laurens sort of as a joke, but I also think it's a solid trifecta. Eric went with Twins instead of triplets, which was probably the WOAT move in pool history. I can understand going with a contrarian strategy in a winner-take-all tournament (it was executed to perfection this season by the Greenbergs in the Survivor Pool), but it's hard to imagine both twins going deep here after airheaded introductions.