Episode 4

Synopsis

During a confrontation with Kaitlyn, Kupah promised not to yell any more, then started whispering like I do at school when the noise light goes on at lunch. “This is such a weird f***ing guy,” Tony said. Paul laughed. “It’s not the comment, it’s who it’s coming from!” he gleefully exclaimed. “That’s the weird guy, and he’s calling Kupah weird!" Tony went on to talk about how difficult it had been to step away from his business, dog, and bonsai tree.

At the rose ceremony, Kaitlyn got rid of Daniel the fashion designer and Cory with no E. Then she cried.

Two humongous sumo wrestlers came into the mansion and banged gongs to wake the bachelors up. One of them was said to be the largest person in the history of Japan. JJ the Jerk said he loved Japanese culture and tried to support it with examples but couldn’t come up with anything other than sushi.

Six guys went sumo wrestling with the pros. JJ the Jerk made fun of The Healer’s butt. Joe’s left testicle hung out. The Healer got fired up to wrestle, predictably had trouble with the 600 pounders, then complained to Kaitlyn about the violent nature of her group dates. Melissa sent a text saying “Omg. I love Tony.” JJ the Jerk came over and escalated the conflict.  They had sumo wrestling matches. Clint, who wrestled in college, did the best.

During a commercial break Paul complained about the butterfly effect of Kupah’s exit. “Obviously after Kupah left she couldn’t get rid of Jonathan in the next rose ceremony or two,” he said bitterly. “So Bag got bailed out by that bulls**t.”

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, The Healer expressed his desire to go to the zoo, then packed his bags and left. It was unclear if he went to the zoo or went home.

Kaitlyn gave the group date rose to Ryan Gosling, which lightly perturbed Clint – but not that much because of his budding feelings for JJ the Jerk.

Kaitlyn took Ben Z to a haunted house they had to escape from. “Is this where they have sex?” our friend SamENole asked. It was actually similar to a thing Zack had just told me and Paul about. Kaitlyn was frightened. Ben Z was courageous until he had to go into a room with snakes in it. SamENole checked Twitter. Paul watched carefully even though he’d seen it the night before with Julia. Kaitlyn and Ben Z escaped the haunted house just before a toxic gas leak.

Ben Z told Kaitlyn he didn’t cry when his mom died and that he hadn’t cried in eleven years. Then they got in a hot tub, clinked champagne and made out.

Six dudes went to an elementary school to be substitute teachers. Naturally I got fired up while Nole and Paul talked about Nole’s laptop. They had to do sex education (the guys on the show, not Paul and Nole). The Welder said he learned everything he needed to know about sex from cows. The guys had to teach a bunch of stuff that would have been borderline-appropriate for high school students. Right about the time Nole and I realized this couldn’t be real Kaitlyn revealed that the kids were actors and it had been staged. Ben H got the rose and Jared took it well.

Clint and JJ the Jerk got hot and heavy, taking showers together, talking about turtles and playing guitars and stuff. Clint told the cameras he wasn’t interested in Kaitlyn but wanted to stay on because of his relationship with JJ the Jerk, so he put on his “power socks” and a good guy front and made up (and out) with Kaitlyn. Then he went back and drank ominously with JJ the Jerk. “Looks like we’re gonna have to catch some snakes,” Clint said to JJ. It was the second time he mentioned “snakes”, which Paul interpreted to mean “penises.” I was just confused. “Villains gotta vill,” Clint said and clinked glasses with JJ. 

The Welder and some other guys – “13 out of 15” according to Kaitlyn – told her that Clint was sketching out. “Clint is one of the biggest douches in Bachelor history,” Kaitlyn announced. “You don’t get negative points if the Bachelorette calls one of your guys a douche, do you?” Paul asked. “He has no idea what’s in store for him,” Kaitlyn said (referring to Clint, not Paul). “He is going to go down in flames.”

Standings

Bri & Doug: 12 points

Joshua: 3

Ben Z: 6

Ryan B: 3

Another excellent episode for B&D. Ryan B isn't getting enough screen time to contend, but if he can outlast Justin they should snag the last team standing bonus.

Melissa & Tom: 9 points

Jared: 3

Ian: 2

Clint: 4

Paul thought Clint was bisexual and fell in love with JJ, but JJ was probably straight and just liked him as a friend. Melissa and Kaitlyn called him a douche. I have no clue what to think. I guess it's douchey to hang around the show if you're not interested in the Bachelorette. The edit was confusing; it was unclear if ABC had a tricky situation on their hands and didn't know how to handle it or if Clint just went off the deep end.

Andie & Eric: 8 points

Chris: 2

Ben H: 4

Justin: 2

The defending champs are back in the mix with a trio of nice guys that won't finish last. We're still waiting on a breakthrough for The Dentist, but Ben H should keep the torch lit even if that never happens.

Julia & Paul: 7 points

Shawn B: 4

Joe: 3

Cory: 0

Even in a quiet episode, Ryan Gosling managed to win the group date rose. He's probably still the favorite despite Jared's rise. Gosling has a composure few of the others do. A Gosling win could be enough for J&P to win the pool, but that donut from Cory is going to hurt.

Kelly & Phil: 7 points

Corey: 2

JJ: 4

Daniel: 1

The noose is tightening on the inaugural pool champs. The fashion designer only managed to muster one point and Corey is having trouble distinguishing himself. JJ hasn't had that problem - he's distinguished himself as the token Villain.

Andrea & Zack: 6 points

Nick V: 0

Tanner: 3

Jonathan: 3

Here comes V to the rescue! He's a firefighter entering the burning building that is A to Z's team. Neither Tanner nor Jonathan appears ticketed for anything better than a double-digit finish. In A to Z's defense, there wasn't much better they could have done with their picks.

Dregs: 3 points

Kupah: -2

Tony: 5

I'm still in favor of +3 for "Exiting the show prematurely on one's own accord", even if it rewards kooks like Tony who fly off the handle. It adds some fun variance to the pool, though it is hard to predict who will off themselves and who will do so involuntarily.