Episode 5

Synopsis

Kaitlyn gave Clint the boot. “He has really little ears for his head size,” Julia observed. “They’re like child ears!” She was right – they were tiny, which was more obvious after Paul rewound it and we examined them three more times. “I think you should say sorry to all of us right now,” JJ the Jerk said to his supposed BFF and they got into a cursing match. After Clint left JJ started crying, slapped himself and told himself to “Suck it up.”

During the aftermath Julia laughed at the box of potatoes the guys had in their kitchen. “It’s like they’re just going to pick them up and eat them like apples or something,” she said.

“JJ and Clint’s break-up was by far the most dramatic break-up in the history of the Bachelorette,” Jared said. Kaitlyn decided not to have a rose ceremony. Instead, the guys put on their coats and went to New York City. Eight of them went to hang out with some guy named Doug E. Fresh. “Do you know who Dougie Fresh is?” Melissa texted me. “Do you know who that person is?” Julia asked simultaneously.

Dougie Fresh instructed them on how to have a rap battle, 8-Mile style. They attempted to battle. JJ mentioned “NYC hos” and the crowd booed. Ryan Gosling made a good joke while showing off his abs. Justin compared Ryan Gosling to Ryan Gosling. “This is the worst rap battle I have ever seen,” Kaitlyn summarized.

After the battle Kaitlyn chatted with some former cast members including Ashley Kardashian. Nick V came back on the show. Apparently they’d chatted on social media. “The idea that you could potentially get engaged and I wouldn’t have met you kinda bugged me,” Nick said. Kaitlyn wasn’t sure what to do but was clearly intrigued. “Look at those eyes. She’s enamored with him,” Paul said.

Kaitlyn went back to the group date and told the guys about Nick V. They were not thrilled about it. Cool and confident Ryan Gosling seemed shaken for the first time. “He considered himself the front-runner before,” Julia said. “He’s not happy,” Paul noted. “At all.”

Kaitlyn went and met Nick V on a dark pier next to a big boat. “So emo with the voice over and the city scenes,” Melissa texted. As Nick V and Kaitlyn talked and kissed I halfheartedly tried to defend him. It was unsuccessful. “I think he’s extremely self-centered,” Paul said. “I think he’s a media whore,” Julia said. “What a weird, slimy dude,” Melissa texted.

I said it was OK for Nick V to call Andi out for sleeping with him because she said “It was always Josh” and got engaged to Josh a couple days after. Julia argued that if Nick V had been a woman he would be seen as naïve and looked down upon for sleeping with Andi. “Two wrongs don’t make a right, Moon. Write that down,” Paul proclaimed, then said the quote was from “a Ryan Reynolds movie.” Julia informed him it was an old saying. Paul said he knew that, he just meant the “Write that down” part.

Kaitlyn went back and told the guys she was going to sleep on the decision. “Why are they all wearing jackets inside?” Julia inquired. Justin was the only one who was cool about Nick V, so he got the group date rose. “That might be the least significant rose in the history of the show,” Tanner said.

They went back and told the other guys at the hotel. The Welder was not pleased. “You have no shot anyways,” Paul said to him. “You should not be upset.” Julia noted that he was wearing a different jacket than he was earlier. “She’s making a poor decision Moon,” Paul declared. “Ugh,” Julia moaned. “I agree.”

Kaitlyn went and got her hair done by crazy Ashley S. “Omg!! So many old cast members!” Melissa texted. Both Melissa and Zack sarcastically texted quotes from Kaitlyn’s conversation with crazy Ashley S. “She’s actually an intelligent person,” was Melissa’s. “I still would not let her near my head with a curling iron!!! Yikes!!” Zack’s was “After talking with Ashley S, I’m more confused than ever.” Despite her alleged confusion, Kaitlyn went and met Nick V. again and invited him to be on the show.

Poor Jared had to follow that up. He did get to meet Kaitlyn at the Met with nobody there (except for the cameramen, the producers, the prop and costume people, makeup artists, the boom operator, etc.) Kaitlyn was distracted thinking about Nick V (and possibly the boom operator for all we know) but Jared hung in there and recited a poem. Then they went on a helicopter ride and made out.

Kaitlyn broke the news to the guys that Nick V would be joining the show. Ryan Gosling was not pleased. “Whhhoaaa, look at his face!” Julia gasped. “I do not like the energy right now in this room,” Kaitlyn said. Ryan B asked if she might start pulling guys in off the street and referenced vampires.

Ian, The Dentist, Kentucky Joe, The Welder and Ben H went to Broadway to participate in a stage production of Aladdin. They hung out with a producer who looked like James Spader, the Aladdin actor who looked like Mark Sanchez and the Jasmine actress who looked like Jasmine. They had the guys act and sing.

The Welder struggled mightily. Joe didn’t know the words. Paul cursed. “Ian looks the part,” Paul said. “He’s vaguely ethnic, so he’s Aladdin?” Julia questioned sarcastically. “I mean, he sang the best,” Paul stammered. The Dentist gave it everything he had. “I don’t think he’s mocking it,” the James Spader guy said. “He just doesn’t know what he’s doing.” Still, they chose The Dentist, then let them be on stage for like five seconds without letting them talk.

Then Kaitlyn and The Dentist went and saw the Times Square Ball, which The Dentist considered to be “The center of the universe.” The show ended without a rose ceremony for a second straight time. Instead it ended ominously with Nick V. riding an elevator up to meet the other contestants. 

Standings

Bri & Doug: 15 points

Joshua: 4

Ben Z: 7

Ryan B: 4

B&D are just cruising along. It's obvious Ben Z is their only pony worth sweating, but he's a legit contender and the others (along with a possible last team standing bonus) have done enough to give them a shot.

Andie & Eric: 15 points

Chris: 5

Ben H: 5

Justin: 5

The Dentist finally got some one-on-one time with Kaitlyn and failed to impress. Julia immediately noted how little chemistry they seemed to have compared to Kaitlyn and Nick V. The Dentist is a plucky chap headed for a depressing limo ride to the airport. Ben H and Justin are similarly unobjectionable and uninspiring. This team appears to lack the firepower to win the pool.

Kelly & Phil: 10 points

Corey: 3

JJ: 6

Daniel: 1

Unless Corey pulls a Whitney - a surprise date that reveals a depth and excitement he thus far hasn't shown - K&P will be relegated to cheering for their boys to escape a last-place finish. That will mean rooting for JJ the Jerk. Not fun times.

Melissa & Tom: 9 points

Jared: 6

Ian: 3

Clint: 1

The good news is Jared is has the chops to challenge for a championship. He's probably not in the mix for next Bachelor, but has a good shot at bringing Kaitlyn up Noreast for Hometowns. The bad news is Clint's self-destruction cost us three points and a shot at last team standing. Ian might soon be following Clint out the door, though he does have a chance at a self-chosen exit bonus.

Andrea & Zack: 8 points

Nick V: 0

Tanner: 4

Jonathan: 4
V will finally crack the scoreboard at the upcoming rose ceremony, but will Tanner and Jonathan survive? V may be all A to Z have left in just a few minutes of showtime.

Julia & Paul: 7 points

Shawn B: 3

Joe: 4

Cory: 0

Kentucky Joe is headed back to the boonies soon, so all the point-earning will be charged to Ryan Gosling. He'll produce with the best of em, but the gap is already 8 points and figures to grow before it shrinks. This could be the season where the team with the winner doesn't win the pool.

Dregs: 3 points

Kupah: -2

Tony: 5

I think we should make crying 2-4 pts for men in future seasons and should continue to add point-scoring wrinkles whenever we think of them. The more ways to score points the better.