Episode Four

Synopsis

They went to Lake Tahoe. Arie and Seinne drove a large red truck to a medium red boat which they parasailed behind/above. Some of the other girls watched them through binoculars. They noticed that trees look closer through binoculars. Arie and Sienne had a picnic on the shore of Lake Tahoe. Maquel’s grandpa died so she went home. Arie and Seinne talked at a restaurant. Then they danced to a band called Lanco.

Many women went hiking with Arie. Most wore scarves. A white-haired former Green Beret and his wife had them pee in canteens. Arie pretended to drink some but it turned out to be apple juice. Then they ate bugs. They broke into two groups and hiked with maps to a lake that had a cabin and hot tub next to it. Krystal complained about some girls and some girls complained about Krystal. Tia cried and got the date rose, in that order.

Arie and Bekah rode horses to a hot tub. They got in it and touched each other. At night they had a boring conversation highlighted by Arie admitting “I feel like I’ve just become a little more boring.” Then Bekah told Arie she was 22. “Oh my God!” he said and covered his mouth. Arie expressed additional concern over her age before making out with her, reaching his hand through her earring to clutch the back of her head.

There was no cocktail party. DeMarcus Cousins crested 100 DraftKings points in double overtime. Krystal interrupted the Rose Ceremony to talk to Arie. He ousted Brittany and Caroline. Both cried. 

Standings

Andie & Eric - 46 points
1. Tia - 9
2. Seinne - 7
3. Jacqueline - 5
4. Annaliese - 3
5. Maquel - 7
6. Jenna - 6
7. Marikh - 6
+3 last team standing bonus
Big episode for Tia, who won a group date, cried, and further positioned herself to either win it or become next Bachelorette. She's now the overall points leader and has shown no weaknesses.

Kelly & Phil - 39 points
1. Chelsea - 7
2. Seinne - 7
3. Becca - 7
4. Kendall - 5
5. Maquel - 7
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Ashley - 5
I gave Maquel +3 for "exiting the show prematurely on one's own accord." I'm not sure what the proper ruling should be. Docking her points seems mean-spirited. Should she get the +3?

Julia & Paul - 37 points
1. Krystal - 7
2. Bekah - 8
3. Jacqueline - 5
4. Lauren S - 0
5. Lauren B - 5
6. Jenna - 6
7. Marikh - 6
With six players still alive, Julia & Paul could quickly rise to the top of the standings. But Krystal isn't inspiring confidence currently and Jacqueline isn't getting much screen time. This team could potentially head the other direction too.

Andrea & Zack - 37 points
1. Bekah - 8
2. Caroline - 7
3. Chelsea - 7
4. Lauren B - 5
5. Jenny - 2
6. Bibiana - 3
7. Ashley - 5
Losing Caroline was a blow, but this is still a quality team. Lauren B showed signs of life while Bekah and Chelsea continue to cruise through mild drama.

Bri & Doug - 37 points
1. Caroline - 7
2. Becca - 7
3. Brittany - 6
4. Jenny - 2
5. Bibiana - 3
6. Brittany - 6
7. Marikh - 6
Cataclysmic episode for Bri & Doug. They lost their first round draft pick as well as 2xBrittany. They're left with the boring Becca and a dreg. The hope is to avoid last place, and that hope looks bleak.

Melissa & Tom - 31 points
1. Krystal - 7
2. Tia - 9
3. Annaliese - 3
4. Lauren S - 0
5. Kendall - 5
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Marikh - 6
This was actually an excellent episode for our team, but clearly we're out of the mix. We should avoid last place at least.

Episode Three

Synopsis

Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B, Tia, Marikh, Bekah, Bibiana and Krystal went to a place called Glob where Arie was wearing a mask. They got inside a ring. Glob turned out to be an acronym for Gorgeous Ladies Of the Bachelor. Two former professional wrestler ladies instructed them on wrestling maneuvers. They were mean. They made Tia and Bibiana cry. Kenny from last season came on and wrestled Arie. They rigged it to let Arie win. Tia liked it. Then the girls wrestled. In the first match Maquel, who was dressed up as a lunchlady, beat Bekah, who was dressed up as a cat. In the final match Tia, who was dressed up as a Southern Belle, beat Bibiana, who was dressed up as Bridezilla.

During the night portion of the date, Krystal quickly stole Arie away and made out with him. Arie encouraged her to keep being aggressive. Arie told Tia he thought it was interesting that she cried. “He’s f*ckin* awesome,” Tia said. Bekah got the date rose.

Arie and Lauren S flew a plane to Napa Valley. They drank wine out of oversize glasses, walked, talked, ate salami and cheese, and walked more. At night they drank more wine out of oversize glasses and smiled at each other. Lauren S told a rambling life story about a failed relationship, her family, an eye infection, and music. “I feel like I’m all over the place,” Lauren admitted to Arie. He got rid of her. “I just want you to know that you are amazing,” he said. “Can I walk you out?” he asked. “Absolutely,” Lauren S said enthusiastically. “It’s a difficult goodbye, but it’s necessary,” Arie said. Lauren S cried. Caroline started crying too because of it. It turned out it was also because she was annoyed at Krystal.

Ashley, Becca, Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, Annaliese, Arie and a lot of dogs went to a park. There was another weird grainy Annaliese memory video. This one was of a little dog baring its teeth at her. They did a dog show. Chelsea couldn’t get her dogs to do much. A girl wandered onto the stage. At night they had some boring conversations while I checked DFS which was ruined by Jordan Bell and Joe Ingles and Melissa scrolled through an app on her phone. Arie made out with several women, but not Annaliese. Chelsea got the date rose.

Bibiana set up a bed and telescope at the mansion to talk to Ari. He used it to talk to other girls and make out with them. Annaliese tried to get him to kiss her but he wouldn’t so she cried. Jenna drunkenly made out with Arie. Annaliese asked Arie if he liked her and he got rid of her. “I know that you’re an amazing person,” Arie said and walked her out. At the Rose Ceremony, Arie got rid of Bibiana, who cursed and cried. “I am broken,” Bibiana surmised.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 30 points
1. Tia - 5
2. Seinne - 4
3. Jacqueline - 3
4. Annaliese - 3
5. Maquel - 4
6. Jenna - 4
7. Marikh - 4
+3 last team standing bonus

A&E narrowly won the last team standing bonus, as Lauren S's meltdown preceded Annaliese's. With Tia, Seinne and Jacqueline all likely ticketed for impending one-on-ones, the defending champs should be back in the mix.

Bri & Doug - 27 points
1. Caroline - 5
2. Becca - 5
3. Brittany - 4
4. Jenny - 2
5. Bibiana - 3
6. Brittany - 4
7. Marikh - 4
Brittany didn't get much screen time and could be a goner soon. That would leave B&D with effectively two players, so they could be facing an uphill battle.

Andrea & Zack - 26 points
1. Bekah - 5
2. Caroline - 5
3. Chelsea - 5
4. Lauren B - 3
5. Jenny - 2
6. Bibiana - 3
7. Ashley - 3
I made fun of this team last week, and now they must be chuckling down at us. Bekah & Caroline could both be contenders, and Chelsea may return value in the third round.

Kelly & Phil - 25 points
1. Chelsea - 5
2. Seinne - 4
3. Becca - 5
4. Kendall - 3
5. Maquel - 4
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Ashley - 3
Episode three was an encouraging one for K&P. Chelsea is now getting less of a villain treatment than Krystal while accumulating points. Their other players survived, and they'll continue to collect points.

Julia & Paul - 24 points
1. Krystal - 5
2. Bekah - 5
3. Jacqueline - 3
4. Lauren S - 0
5. Lauren B - 3
6. Jenna - 4
7. Marikh - 4
Julia & Paul have to be concerned about Krystal, but perhaps Jacqueline will make a deep run to keep the Denverites competitive.

Melissa & Tom - 21 points
1. Krystal - 5
2. Tia - 5
3. Annaliese - 3
4. Lauren S - 0
5. Kendall - 3
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Marikh - 4
Dire episode for us, as we had both of the meltdown girls. We'll need a champ and at least one more deep run to have any chance.

Episode Two

Synopsis

“Hey guys!” Chris Harrison greeted the girls, which sparked a discussion between Melissa and me on how to properly address gender-ambiguous groups. No solution was ascertained. Arie and Becca went motorcycling in Malibu where Melissa, Bailey and I went hiking a few times last spring. Krystal expressed concern over the motorcycling, which Melissa concurred with, and perhaps Doug, who used to motorcycle but no longer does, to the best of my knowledge. Arie drank champagne while Becca modelled with a fashion designer. An associate of Neil Lane’s (a regular on the show) showed up with a briefcase with earrings, inspiring Becca and Arie to make out. At night Arie noted that “Becca has definitely set the bar high” which was similar to what he said in the first episode – “Bekah has definitely set the bar high.” He made out with the former Becca after pulling a rope that said “Pull Me.”

Arie then flew in a plane to Scottsdale with Krystal. He revealed he had a job at 16 years old, which was strange because it’s said that working early develops a personality and Arie has no personality. “This could be, like, my life,” Krystal speculated. “Why would you move from San Diego to Scottsdale?” Melissa inquired. Then they went to Arie’s parents house to meet his Dutch parents and family. “I’m sure it wasn’t all rainbows and good times,” Krystal said. “Like when I had my botox the other day,” Melissa said in a Dutch accent pretending to be Arie’s mom. At night they had a dull conversation in a large abandoned building while I wondered if Bama had gotten on the board yet (I decided to watch the second half of the national championship on DVR after watching the first half at Murphy’s). Then they slow danced in a theater (Arie and Krystal, not Alabama and Georgia) while a guy named Connor sang a bad song.

Arie and a large group of women drove cars on a muddy track. Annaliese started crying because it reminded her of a bad experience she had as a child driving bumper cars. “It was just, like, a traumatic experience,” she explained as they showed a weird grainy montage of a young girl driving bumper cars. Annaliese cried again immediately after donning a racing suit, earning double points. Bibiana smashed some other girls. Seinne won. They drank milk. At night The Villain immediately took Arie away. “My patience has been trialed,” Bibiana announced before storming off and slamming a door. Arie aggressively made out with the much-younger Bekah before giving Sienne the date rose.

The next night Aria and Behak made out some more. Bibiana and Krystal had a spat. “You just dug a big ass hole for yourself,” Bibiana said. “There’s a lot of angry people here and I’m just the voice. And…mic drop.” Arie got rid of Lauren G, Valerie who nobody picked, and Jenny who cried and walked out without hugging Arie.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 16 points
1. Tia - 2
2. Seinne - 3
3. Jacqueline - 1
4. Annaliese - 4
5. Maquel - 2
6. Jenna - 2
7. Marikh - 2
Excellent start for the defending champs, as Seinne distinguished herself and Annaliese racked up double crying points.

Melissa & Tom - 15 points
1. Krystal - 3
2. Tia - 2
3. Annaliese - 4
4. Lauren S - 1
5. Kendall - 2
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Marikh - 2
Though Krystal got on the board early, she displayed surprising volatility and villainy. 

Bri & Doug - 15 points
1. Caroline - 2
2. Becca - 3
3. Brittany - 2
4. Jenny - 2
5. Bibiana - 2
6. Brittany - 2
7. Marikh - 2
Becca's date was boring, but she did nothing to hurt her standing. She should cruise into the top ten and could easily go much further.

Kelly & Phil - 14 points
1. Chelsea - 2
2. Seinne - 3
3. Becca - 3
4. Kendall - 2
5. Maquel - 2
6. Lauren G - 1
7. Ashley - 1
I'm not sure it's what Kelly & Phil wanted, but Chelsea played it cool in episode two and kept the target off her back. This could be a solid squad.

Julia & Paul - 12 points
1. Krystal - 3
2. Bekah - 2
3. Jacqueline - 1
4. Lauren S - 1
5. Lauren B - 1
6. Jenna - 2
7. Marikh - 2
Just like that, there are only two teams with all their players remaining (Andie & Eric are the others). It will likely come down to the Laurens vs. Maquel.

Andrea & Zack - 12 points
1. Bekah - 2
2. Caroline - 2
3. Chelsea - 2
4. Lauren B - 1
5. Jenny - 2
6. Bibiana - 2
7. Ashley - 1
Bagdrea picked up right where they left off the Survivor pool - the dungeon.

Episode One and The Draft

Synopsis

Phil, Melissa, Maisie, Bailey and I settled deep into the couch cushions of Phil’s family cabin above Lake George, CO on the evening of New Year’s Day. We had just watched an excellent sunset on Pikes Peak and then the full moon rising above the hillside.

We forgot to record it until 7:03 at which point Melissa thankfully remembered we needed to. So we missed the first couple minutes. When we started it a blonde woman was crying hysterically. Phil explained the blonde woman was a former runner-up whose husband was a racecar driver who died. Apparently a bunch of guys came on the show expecting her to be the Bachelorette but she wasn’t. “She ended up engaged to some guy in Salt Lake,” Phil explained. “I don’t think it worked out.” Melissa noted the blonde looked remarkably like Kelly. Phil noted that she actually looked remarkably like his ex-wife.

I finally realized the blonde was the actual Bachelorette and we were watching a replay of her breaking this guy in a purple shirt’s heart. It turned out purple shirt guy was going to be the Bachelor this season. He was revealed to be a realtor with peppered hair. Then they brought in the couple they always bring in to prove Bachelor can actually work even though we all know the actual rate of it finding a surviving long-term couple is around 5%, lower than the odds of finding someone via Tinder, a blind date, a dog park, a bar, Russian mail order, Burning Man, a political rally, or an AA meeting. Then a baby talked. I think it was that guy Sean mimicking what a baby would talk like.

There was a montage of the Bachelor getting his picture taken and driving a sports car. Phil asked us if we watched the “Coming Up” previews at the start of every commercial. We said we did not and thankfully he concurred which cuts viewing time down by about 20%, which was key cause we had another college football playoff game to watch after (it ended up being a dud). Chris Harrison previewed the show, noting the Bachelor was “arguably the best kisser we’ve ever had.” There was a vignette of a single mom from Maine spreading peanut butter, a realtor from Florida who was proud of her salesmanship, a 23 year-old photographer, an orthopedic nurse, an Arkansan immediately stereotyped as Raven 2.0 who then turned out to be a good friend of Raven’s, who is becoming a regular on the show. Then a ukulele-playing taxidermist came on.  “I’ve never had a relationship over a year,” she admitted. “Shocking,” Phil said. “Is this our season’s version of Whabooom?”

Then there were vignettes for a rock climber with a low-pitched voice, an Indian restaurant owner with a high-pitched voice, and a fitness coach from San Diego with a sad story about a homeless brother and a high-pitched voice.

The Bachelor, who was named Arie, got out of a limo and talked to Chris Harrison briefly. Then a limo filled with contestants pulled up. The first one out was the realtor, who stumbled over speaking her words. She told a cheesy realtor joke and went in. “This is starting off well,” Arie said. Here are my notes on the contestants:

Caroline - realtor

Chelsea – villain

Kendall – nervous

Seinne – elephants

Tia – Raven 2.0 good pick

Bibiana – babies would have blue eyes not liked by M

Bri – sports reporter

Jenny – graphic designer

Brittane J. – black, sticker that said “nice butt”

Jacqueline – New Yorker

Krystal - ***GOOD PICK*** music slowed down to romantic when she got out

Nysha – nurse

Valerie – server, Nashville, maroon-dyed hair

Bekah – rock climber hasn’t shown age

Jenna – lot of hand motions “so pretty” according to Arie

Marikh – Indian restaurant owner

Olivia – 23

Becca – decent, dropped to one knee

Lauren S – (Melissa nodded approval)

Lauren J – old Masters graduate

Lauren B – blonde

Lauren G – executive recruiter, black

Ashley - ***good pick***

Brittany T. – tech recruiter

Amber – spray tan company owner, Denver

Ali – Dallas stylist

Annaliese – mask

Maquel – photographer, 23

Phil poked fun at Lauren J. “A recent Masters graduate is not an occupation,” he scoffed. “You might as well be a pizzamaker.” He and Melissa also noted she was too old for Arie. Phil compared the mask-wearer to a former male contestant who was “a knobjob who wore a mask the first two episodes.” Phil then said the villain was a must-draft with our new double-drafting rules.

Chris Harrison told Arie to “get ready for the night of your life” and the latter went inside. The girls greeted him enthusiastically. Arie thanked them for coming on the show and they began drinking. The villain unsurprisingly stole Arie away immediately. “At the end of the day I am not a rude person,” the villain claimed even though they had just shown a bunch of clips proving otherwise. “Chelsea is very good at leaving me wanting more,” Arie said. Phil noted he hadn’t put his cufflinks on yet. The 23 year-old photographer stole him next while they further villainized Chelsea. The 23 year-old stereotypically took a selfie with Arie, who discussed how he had grown since his previous stint on the show. “Then I was more of a boy and now I’m more than a man,” Arie said. “I just threw up a little in my mouth,” Phil said. It may have been a precursor for the draft, which Phil missed cause he wasn’t feeling well.

“Interracially I have not had a successful relationship with a white guy,” one of the black ladies announced. Arie drove tiny racecars with Brittany with a Y and kissed her. “That was a lame kiss,” Phil said. “Their lips just grazed,” Melissa said. “That was such a great kiss,” Brittany said before exaggerating the kiss to the cameras and the other ladies. The villain was not pleased. “This mama means business,” she stated.

The girl with the ukulele played it for Arie. The girl with the mask kept it on for some reason. Melissa liked her. Someone, Caroline I think, wisely offered him pizza. “I’m never a fan of sticking something into someone’s mouth they don’t know is coming,” Phil said. Melissa concurred. “We don’t know allergies yet. It could be a safety issue.” Jenna had a strange encounter with Arie but he said he wanted to keep her around. “She’s a BSC,” Phil said. “Bat-shit crazy.” Annaliese took off her mask and had a fireside chat with Arie. Melissa nodded approvingly.

Chris Harrison delivered the First Impression Rose. “He just earned himself a couple grand,” Melissa said. The Villain stole Arie away again and made out with him. Then the Villain bragged about it to the girls. Some girls acted catty. Arie talked with more girls. Bekah asked him what three things made him excited to be alive. “Excitement” was Arie’s first answer. “Bekah has definitely set the bar high,” Arie said. “She’s twelve,” Melissa said.

Brittany with a Y speculated she might get the First Impression Rose because she kissed him first. “Are we calling a peck a kiss now?” Phil wondered. Arie gave the Villain the first impression rose. “Oh, no!” Phil exclaimed. Melissa booed loudly. “It feels like it just began,” the Denverite said. “It did just begin,” Melissa reminded her. “It feels like it is that way because it is that way,” Phil added. “Honestly, I would be like really devastated,” the Denverite concluded.

At a sunrise Rose Ceremony, the 23 year-old got the final rose. Arie got rid of the one whose dad had already met Arie. “It is what it is,” she surmised after some tears. The Denverite was disappointed. “It just sucks,” she said. Then she cried. “I know I deserve love,” she sobbed. “It’s been 18 hours,” Phil reminded her.

On the big preview trailer, they showed Machu Picchu, the Eiffel Tower, a cool-looking ocean and the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The Villain was further villainized. “It’s gonna be absolute mayhem and carnage,” someone predicted. Bekah cried while someone smiled cruelly. “I just can’t stop crying,” someone wept. Another girl cried hysterically. Arie cried, then hiked over a sand dune in a suit. An un-shown ex-boyfriend showed up. Some extremely tense music played. Arie and Sean hugged.

The Draft

Inspired by someone's brilliant expansion idea for Survivor (I forget whose), we decided everyone would be picked twice. This allowed every team to draft seven contestants. We used a triple-snake followed by a final round in which anyone remaining was eligible to everyone. This was the order:

1. Bri & Doug - Caroline
2. Kelly & Phil - Chelsea
3. Andrea & Zack - Bekah
4. Julia & Paul - Krystal
5. Melissa & Tom - Krystal
6. Andie & Eric - Tia
7. Andie & Eric - Seinne
8. Melissa & Tom - Tia
9. Julia & Paul - Bekah
10. Andrea & Zack - Caroline
11. Kelly & Phil - Seinne
12. Bri & Doug - Becca
13. Bri & Doug - Brittany
14. Kelly & Phil - Becca
15. Andrea & Zack - Chelsea
16. Julia & Paul - Jacqueline
17. Melissa & Tom - Annaliese
18. Andie & Eric - Jacqueline
19. Andie & Eric - Annaliese
20. Melissa & Tom - Lauren S
21. Julia & Paul - Lauren S
22. Andrea & Zack - Lauren B
23. Kelly & Phil - Kendall
24. Bri & Doug - Jenny
25. Bri & Doug - Bibiana
26. Kelly & Phil - Maquel
27. Andrea & Zack - Jenny
28. Julia & Paul - Lauren B
29. Melissa & Tom - Kendall
30. Andie & Eric - Maquel
31. Andie & Eric - Jenna
32. Melissa & Tom - Lauren G
33. Julia & Paul - Jenna
34. Andrea & Zack - Bibiana
35. Kelly & Phil - Lauren G
36. Bri & Doug - Brittany

Final Round:
Bri & Doug - Marikh
Kelly & Phil - Ashley
Andrea & Zack - Ashley
Julia & Paul - Marikh
Melissa & Tom - Marikh
Andie & Eric - Marikh

Valerie went unpicked.


The Teams

Bri & Doug
1. Caroline
2. Becca
3. Brittany
4. Jenny
5. Bibiana
6. Brittany
7. Marikh

Kelly & Phil
1. Chelsea
2. Seinne
3. Becca
4. Kendall
5. Maquel
6. Lauren G
7. Ashley

Andrea & Zack 
1. Bekah
2. Caroline
3. Chelsea
4. Lauren G
5. Jenny
6. Bibiana
7. Ashley

Julia & Paul
1. Krystal
2. Bekah
3. Jacqueline
4. Lauren S
5. Lauren B
6. Jenna
7. Marikh

Melissa & Tom
1. Krystal
2. Tia
3. Annaliese
4. Lauren S
5. Kendall
6. Lauren G
7. Marikh

Andie & Eric
1. Tia
2. Seinne
3. Jacqueline
4. Annaliese
5. Maquel
6. Jenna
7. Marikh

I love the new draft system and everyone I've talked to agrees. It corrected the major flaw of our previous simple snake draft, that the show is typically top-heavy as far as which contestants stand out as good picks and the ratio of how many points the contenders score compared to the pretenders. With double-picking, those massive points will go to two owners instead of one. It also made it easier to select the player(s) we felt confident about.

Only one contestant was double-picked by the same team: Brittany by Bri & Doug, curiously in rounds 3 and 6. Caroline was a divisive pick. I know she was very low on Julia & Paul's board and they were stunned to see her go first overall. I rated her very highly, but Melissa did not. Andie & Eric, Julia & Paul and Melissa & I had very similar boards. As Phil proclaimed, he and Kelly stuck to their Villain strategy and grabbed her #2. She wasn't picked again till #15. I was surprised Valerie went unpicked. I didn't see any red hair in the season-preview trailer but she appeared competent. Arie was dreadfully dull in the premiere but the live draft got me fired up for the pool. I hope we can do more live drafts in the future. It was wonderful to see everyone and talk trash in person. Hopefully Kelly & Phil are feeling better by now and Andie & Eric will do the right thing and move back to the Rockies soon.

Finale

Synopsis

On a cold, rainy night Melissa, Bailey and I convened with some tomato basil soup (from Safeway – I didn’t make it) and grilled cheese in front of the couch for the three-hour Bachelorette finale.  Rachel came out to watch the show with Chris Harrison and a studio audience. “I’m used to watching it by myself, I haven’t seen this yet, and yeah, it’s my first time seeing it and I’m used to, like I said, watching by myself,” she said. They ran a commercial and then announced Juan Pablo had gotten married. It wasn’t to Nikki who he chose at the end or anyone from the show. Harrison asked Rachel some ominous questions about Peter and she gave some ominous answers. Then some ominous music played as the actual show started. Rachel cried. Peter thanked her for her emotions. She gave him an invitation to the fantasy suite. Peter accepted. “And so, I, I will take this and hope that you allow me to take this,” he said. “I will,” Rachel said. “Allow you to take my panties off,” Melissa finished for her.

Bryan ad Rachel rode horses matching their skin tones through a vineyard. They had a conversation which brought out anxiety in Rachel. Harrison asked Rachel if she nearly broke up with Peter before fantasy suites and she said she almost did. Bryan admitted there was “something a bit off” before the evening portion of his date with Rachel, but he too got to go to the fantasy suite with Rachel. “I really feel like last night brought us a lot closer together,” Rachel said the next morning. Bryan expressed confidence about how it went and proudly strutted out of the suite. It was the opposite of a Walk of Shame.

Rachel made a “poor dress choice” according to Melissa for the Spanish Rose Ceremony. She approved of Peter’s blue suit. Rachel did too, apparently – she kept him and got rid of Eric. He made a classy exit and cried a little on the airport ride through the Spanish countryside. Then he came into the studio and asked Rachel how her heart was. She said it was good. There was a preview for a show called “The Good Doctor” which predictably intrigued Melissa.

Bryan and Rachel took a hot air balloon ride, then made out on a sofa. Bryan gave Rachel a personalized English/Spanish dictionary and they made out some more. Rachel wore a camouflage jacket to a date with Peter in a monastery. They talked in broken English with a Spanish monk before having an intense conversation in a windowsill that made Rachel cry. That evening Peter told Rachel he was in love with her but wasn’t ready to ask her to marry him. She cried once again, and after a long struggle over his refusal to propose on the next day, he cried too and they appeared to break up.

Peter came into the studio and I made a Just For Men joke. He talked with Chris Harrison and Rachel while I looked at Twitter reactions to Quincy Enunwa’s season-ending injury. Rachel said she cried her eyelashes off that night. Peter expressed a lot of frustration and sadness. He said he had to look at Rachel’s eyelashes on the floor for days afterwards.

Neil the Ring Guy helped Bryan pick out an engagement ring. Then Bryan got a ride up to a castle on a windy hill where Rachel was waiting for him. He told Rachel their first kiss was a like a “chemistry bomb had just exploded” and some other stuff but it was hard to hear over the wind. Rachel told him she loved him and couldn’t imagine spending her life with anyone else. Bryan asked her to marry him and she said yes.

Bryan then came into the studio and immediately asked Rachel to marry him again for some reason. She accepted again. They revealed Bryan had been going under the alias “Jerome” the last few months. Then there was a long trailer for Bachelor in Paradise. The highlight was Chris Harrison running into the ocean with a lifeguard ring while wearing a tuxedo.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 46

1. Bryan - 27

2. Alex - 10

3. Adam - 8

4. Blake - 1
Ultimately this was the best team and the Schwartzes deserve credit for drafting it. Most would have drafted Bryan with the first pick but the Alex/Adam combo was crucial. The Schwartzes are back on top after back-to-back last-place finishes.

Melissa & Tom - 39

1. Peter - 28

2. Josiah - 7

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

I didn't dock Peter any points for exiting before the final rose. It wasn't exactly "premature and involuntary", nor was it "prematurely on one's own accord" which would have entailed a 3-pt bonus. In this case it wouldn't have mattered, and won't matter even if Peter is surprisingly named next Bachelor.

Julia & Paul - 31

1. Dean - 21

2. Anthony - 7

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1
I still think Dean will be next Bachelor, though his stint in Paradise could affect that. If it's not Dean, then who? No one else from this season stands out and it's tough to think of a previous fellow who might be suitable. 

Andrea & Zack - 29

1. Eric - 23

2. Will - 7

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2
Good run for Eric. Outside of Dean he wound up being the most charismatic, watchable contestant this season. I can't see them going with a black Bachelor after Rachel's season, though. She stands as my favorite Bachelor(ette) of the seasons I've watched.

Kelly & Phil - 17

1. Jack - 3

2. Matt - 7

3. Lee - 6

4. Blake - 1
Whether or not a marriage proposal should be necessary to determine a winner could be debated endlessly - even more endlessly than Rachel and Peter debated it - but I think it's irrelevant. The only question is whether she liked Peter more than Bryan. If she did, then she made a terrible choice. I doubt she did, though. Things wrapped up pretty smoothly. I suppose we'll never know for sure.
 

Bri & Doug - 16

1. Kenny - 10

2. Iggy - 5

3. Diggy - 3

4. DeMario - -2
We have a few rules to straighten out before next season. We have " 'Saying I love you' or 'I'm falling in love with you' directly to the Bachelor" worth two points currently. This season I didn't mark it because it can be ambiguous and all the relevant characters ended up saying it anyways. We should decide if we want this rule to continue, if we want the 3-point first kiss of the season bonus to continue (usually someone kisses on opening night making this irrelevant), if we should make a season-specific bonus, and if there are any other rule changes worth considering.

Fantasy Suites & The Men Tell All

Synopsis

Fantasy Suites

Rachel went home to Dallas while we ate a delicious sushi veggie bowl Melissa made. Bryan, Peter, Eric, and Eric's biceps joined her. Rachel and Peter bought her soon-to-be niece clothes and a stuffed giraffe. Peter and Rachel told each other they were falling in love with each other. They went to meet Rachel's family, which included two other white partners. Rachel's dad was conspicuously absent again. Melissa speculated that he was in the witness protection program. Rachel's mom asked Peter what made him want to marry Rachel and he said he wasn't ready to marry her or ask for her blessing. Rachel's mom liked it when he said that.  

Rachel took Eric to see a section of Dallas by Houston street. He wore a denim shirt like one Melissa wears. They went to a tower with a view of the federal building where Rachel's dad works. Melissa speculated that he couldn't be on TV because he was in the CIA. Eric talked to Rachel's family while I sipped sake Melissa brought back from Japan and she surfed Instagram. Eric asked Rachel's mom if he could ask Rachel to marry him and she said it was okay with her if it was okay with Rachel. 

Bryan was next. "He's got that Miami swagger," Peter said. "But in Miami there's a lot of fake boobs, fake asses and fake cheeks." Rachel took Bryan to drink mimosas with two blondes with large hair. Rachel revealed that she thought Bryan was a "douchebag" early on. Rachel told Bryan her uncle was an anesthesiologist. "They'll automatically hate him," Melissa said of Bryan. "Because real doctors don't have respect for chiropractors." Bryan told Rachel's family he was in love with her while Rachel's sister made a series of skeptical, meme-able facial gestures. Bryan attempted to explain his feelings for Rachel but her family wasn't buying it. "She was a girlfriend like after a week??" Rachel's sister inquired before making more incredulous facial contortions. 

Rachel's sister gave Bryan a hard time while I tried to decide who to rank higher on our dynasty roster between Tyler Lockett, Randall Cobb and Quincy Enunwa. Rachel told her mom she loved Bryan. Her mom expressed skepticism. Bryan told her mom she loved Rachel. Her mom expressed more skepticism. Melissa noted how large their house was, leading to a short discussion of Dallas real estate which I described as "hot" without really having much idea. 

They went to La Rioja, Spain. Melissa noted how small Rachel's suitcase was before concluding it only contained makeup and underwear. Eric and Rachel took a helicopter ride over some vineyards and made out. They touched down at a place called San Juan de Gaztelugatxe and walked for a bit before drinking white wine. Then they rang a bell that granted wishes and made out some more. At dinner Eric stuck with white wine while Rachel graduated to red. He made a nice speech telling her he loved her which momentarily distracted Melissa from her Instagram notifications. Eric and Rachel opened a Fantasy Suite invitation that was allegedly from Chris Harrison. "Do you wanna do this?" Rachel asked. "All in, for the win," Eric responded. They went up to the suite. "It's the night to go deeper, and open up more," Eric said.

Peter was next. He went with Rachel to a wine cellar where they met an old Spaniard wearing a Kangol cap without a Kangol logo. Melissa did a core exercise on the floor while the Spaniard sung to them in Spanish. I noted that Peter's hair seemed to get grayer and grayer and he seemed to get handsomer and handsomer each episode. Melissa concurred. Peter told Rachel he wasn't ready to propose to her and a cute little girl interrupted. Rachel and Peter then stomped grapes in a barrel while Melissa did an impressive headstand. At night Peter and Rachel had a semantic argument about the meaning of engagement which made Rachel cry. 

The Men Tell All

Tired and somewhat under-the-weather Melissa, tired and healthy Bailey, a baby spinach/baby kale/arugula/roasted beet/carrot/radish/green bell pepper/mushroom/red onion/vegan sausage/cheese/jerry-rigged dressing salad I made, a Doctor D's Tart Cherry Sparkling Probiotic Water Kefir, an oxford comma, and a Finkel & Garf Cherry & Black Currant Wheat convened on the basement couch for The Men Tell All. Chris Harrison introduced the men on the show, hyping "all the heated controversies, all the devastating heartbreak, and of course, their love for Rachel." He also said the season had featured "more conflicts and angry fights than ever before" which was fake news cause this season has been a walk in the park relative to others. Harrison then said he'd spent some extra time in the gym, but you couldn't tell. 

 

There was a highlights montage of past Men Tell Alls including a blonde telling a guy "I hope you find faith in something bigger than your Prada shoes and your private helicopter" and JJ the Jerk's tryst with Clint. Throughout the montage there was not a single shot of a man in the audience, which is problematic because I still owe Zack a trip to the Men Tell All thanks to a college football bet I lost.  Then there was another "highlights" montage from the season including the feud between DeMario and his ex-girlfriend whose name I already forgot, the feud between Whaboom and the douche whose name I already forgot and the feud between Eric and the possibly-racist country guy whose name I already forgot. The douche whose name I already forgot, who turned out to be named Blake, was now listed as an "Aspiring Drummer." DeMario demanded "ocular facts" which would certainly be a term Sean Spicer would use if he was still employed, or perhaps Anthony Scarmucci would use if he was still employed. Dean claimed DeMario, who he was now calling "Devo", is "not a bad person, but he's an idiot." Whaboom called DeMario a joke, which prompted Will to tell Whaboom "You literally cannot call anyone else on this show a joke" which is a double pet peeve of mine: misuse of the word "literally" and overuse of the word "literally."

Dean then said that "literally 30 people" had Kenny's back in his feud with Lee which was certainly an overuse of the word "literally" and a misuse unless there were camera people and/or production people siding with Kenny against Lee. "Devo" then attempted to come to Lee's defense. I reminded Melissa that "Devo" had only lasted two episodes and didn't get to know the true Lee. Kenny said Lee wasn't a racist and that he was merely "not on the level" of prospective candidates such as himself. 

There was a long Kenny "highlights package" including the recurring, mysterious argument with Lee about whether or not he was pulled out of a van. Melissa remarked on the length of Kenny's tie. The salad was good but I did throw in too many cucumbers, which have a surprisingly owverwhelming taste/texture. It should also be noted that carrots have a rather hard texture when not chopped finely, which can be distracting throughout the chewing process. Lee continued to dispute that he was pulled out of a van, but apologized for "not being a better friend" to Kenny. McKenzie, Kenny's daughter, then came out on stage with a rose for her dad. 

Chris Harrison brought Lee on stage and showed some tweets of his which noted the superiority of dogs to women, the unattractiveness of feminists, and a comparison of the NAACP to the KKK. "I feel like I have a lot to learn in this area," Lee understated. Josiah came on stage and questioned why he had come on the show to date a black woman. "I don't like racism at all," Lee claimed. "It bothers me morally. It bothers me inside, and I don't like it." He then defended his NAACP comment as "half of a tweet" when it was clearly an entire tweet. 

Anthony then blasted Lee with a question implicitly embedded in words Lee surely didn't understand including "implicitly" and "embedded." Chris Harrison then straight-up asked Lee if he was a racist. "I completely denounce that, and I denounce that Lee," he said. He then appeared to cry, earning Kelly & Phil an unexpected eleventh hour point to break their last-place tie with Bri & Doug. Melissa then inquired again if I had seen the shortness of Kenny's tie and if I wanted to rewind it to check it. I did not.

Then Dean, who was wearing a "camo tux", suspenders and a bow-tie, entered "The Hot Seat." Zack texted me a poker hand he dreamed about and I told him the Men Tell All was "surprising [fire emoji fire emoji fire emoji]. Zack noted that Lee was "owning up sort of" and that "Kennys daughter is an ideal kid." Harrison announced Dean would be on Bachelor in Paradise which made us wonder if he could do that and also be next Bachelor. I assumed so. Nick V did. Harrison then previewed the next segment of the show with Rachel coming on the show and mentioned there were still three contestants still competing for her heart. Melissa couldn't remember who they were.

Fred gave Rachel a speech which Melissa and I agreed had been rehearsed several times. Then they showed a blooper reel which actually lived up to the hype Harrison had given it.

 

 

Standings

 

Andie & Eric - 40

1. Bryan - 21

2. Alex - 10

3. Adam - 8

4. Blake - 1

Melissa & Tom - 32

1. Peter - 21

2. Josiah - 7

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

I haven't given Peter his three points for getting invited to the Fantasy Suite, even though it's going to happen because they've already shown previews with him standing at a Rose Ceremony next to Bryan and Eric. That will cut the deficit to five, but he'll only make up two points if he wins and Bryan gets second. But if Rachel somehow goes with Eric and Peter as her final two, we'll pull this out, assuming there's not a revolt over the +3 last team standing bonus that only Eric has complained about so far. If Rachel got rid of Bryan during the last episode before The Final Rose, we'd win by one point - not including potential tears. There are a lot of potential scenarios. Stay tuned.

Julia & Paul - 31

1. Dean - 21

2. Anthony - 7

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1
Anthony seems like an awesome guy. He just wasn't an awesome reality-TV contestant.

Andrea & Zack - 28

1. Eric - 22

2. Will - 7

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2
Melissa asked me during the last episode why I thought Eric has no chance. I laughed and asked her if we were watching the same show. Rachel has never looked at him the way she's looked at Bryan or Peter and never conversed with him as intently as she has with them. If he wins this, I'll rename this blog "Tom Fuller Is An Idiot" for the next season.

Kelly & Phil - 17

1. Jack - 3

2. Matt - 7

3. Lee - 6

4. Blake - 1
How 'bout that Men Tell All cry Lee pulled out?! Should that count? I don't see why not, unless someone argues he never actually cried. It was pretty close. That will give Bri & Doug the first pick in next season's draft, if they aren't too embarrassed to play again. Their blog comments have been so sparse I figure they must be hiding in shame.
 

Bri & Doug - 16

1. Kenny - 10

2. Iggy - 5

3. Diggy - 3

4. DeMario - -2
Spoiler alert: DeMario is going to get negative points on Bachelor in Paradise as well. Don't draft him for any Paradise pools, B&D.

Hometowns

Synopsis

Rachel went to Baltimore to meet Eric, who danced and said "hey" a lot. It was a stereotypically crappy gray day. They played basketball. Rachel played in semi-heels, impressing Melissa. Rachel made a long shot, impressing me. A guy named Ralph showed up. Ralph left and they went to a tower. It was unclear if it was one of the towers from The Wire. They went to an apartment in the tower and were greeted by a large group of people, mostly women, mostly Eric's family. The kohlrabi turned out to be a good addition to my signature stir-fry even though I didn't peel it. Eric's aunt Verna talked with Rachel about race, then about Eric. Meanwhile Eric talked with a woman in a red dress. I asked if she was Eric's sister and Melissa informed me she was in fact his mother. Eric hinted he was in love with Rachel. "What I mean by that is I really care about you. Like, a lot," he finished.

Next Rachel went down to Miami to make out with Bryan. They went to Domino Park where some old guys destroyed them in dominoes. Then they went to Calle Ocho and danced. They made out some more before going to Bryan's parents' house. There were a lot of people there. "So if he's an only child, who are these other people?" I wondered. "Neighbors," Melissa speculated. Bryan told his mom Olga he believed Rachel was the one. Olga expressed skepticism because Bryan had been with "so many girls." Rachel talked to an unidentified young woman who Melissa speculated was a boom holder or an intern. Olga talked with Rachel and approved her after making a physical read of her eyes. Then Olga cried. Bryan told Rachel he was in love with her on a bench near the house. 

Rachel then went to Madison, Wisconsin to hug and kiss Peter. They went to a farmers market, inspiring a fist-pump from Melissa. After eating pickles they went to a bar and hung out with Peter's friends. Peter had said eight of his ten friends were black; if so, both of his white friends were there. They went to a neighborhood called Cottage Grove and met Peter's family. Peter's interactions with his niece impressed Rachel and Melissa. Both Rachel and Peter had boring conversations with his mom Lynn. Then Peter had a boring conversation with Rachel. "I don't know what else to say," he said. "I'm very happy now." "And I am very happy too," Rachel responded. 

Finally Dean and Rachel went to "Aspen" which appeared to be somewhere down the Roaring Fork Valley closer to Carbondale. They rode ATVs, frightening some horses. Then they drank champagne while sitting on hay bales. Dean announced he was "legitimately terrified" to enter his father's house to see his family. He walked inside where a group of people were sitting on a floor. "Sup pops," Dean said. "Sup squad." Dean's dad administered what Melissa knew to be called "a gong bath" where he banged a gong and muttered. Then Dean's dad gave Rachel some feathers. They served mung beans and vegetables with rice. Dean claimed the food looked good but he didn't have room due to eating recently. Dean's sister cried while talking to Rachel. Dean's dad gave himself credit for being a good father because Dean was good. Then they had a contentious discussion which possibly caused Dean to cry and certainly curse. Rachel attempted to talk to Dean's dad but he quickly exited. Rachel then spoke with Dean while his dad watched them through a window. Dean told Rachel he was falling in love with her and she reciprocated.

They held a Rose Ceremony in a skyscraper in Dallas. Rachel had a boring conversation with Chris Harrison before the vote-out. Melissa sighed nervously, then noted each of the men stood in a "power stance." Much to our surprise, Eric got the second rose and Dean busted out. He had to go 27 floors down an elevator to reach the hearse, wherein he cried.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 37

1. Bryan - 18

2. Alex - 10

3. Adam - 8

4. Blake - 1

I still like Bryan over Peter, but if the Colombian-Russian?-American falters, we could overtake Andie & Eric for the championship. That's only if we uphold the +3 last team standing bonus Eric has been (reasonably) clamoring about in the comments. It could be a controversial photo finish reminiscent of recent American presidential elections.

Melissa & Tom - 32

1. Peter - 21

2. Josiah - 7

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

It's looking like a Bryan/Peter final after Eric's supposed exit next week. If Peter wins it over Bryan in the final and no funny business goes down, the pool will finish in a tie. If Bryan cries and Peter doesn't, that will push A&E to the title. If either steals extra time, that will swing the pool. It may well come down to the closing minutes of the season.

Julia & Paul - 31

1. Dean - 21

2. Anthony - 7

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1
Dean's youth finally caught up to him. It wasn't his wacky dad. He was just too young. But he isn't too young for Bachelorhood. I imagine they'll load his season up with immature milennials, crazy cougars, and a few legitimate prospects. It should be a pretty straightforward season.

Andrea & Zack - 25

1. Eric - 19

2. Will - 7

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2
Eric persists! His Cinderella run to Fantasy Suites will be the end of the line though. He's fine, but he doesn't possess the firepower of Bryan or the mature reliability of Peter. Even if I'm wrong and he runs the gauntlet, A to Z will still come up short of the top teams.

Kelly & Phil - 16

1. Jack - 3

2. Matt - 7

3. Lee - 5

4. Blake - 1
Do we flip a coin to see who picks first next season? I would argue Bri & Doug should win the tiebreaker since they got bad-beated by DeMario, but does "winning the tiebreaker" mean picking first or second? Maybe they should choose. They need every bit of help they can get.
 

Bri & Doug - 16

1. Kenny - 10

2. Iggy - 5

3. Diggy - 3

4. DeMario - -2
Next season will be a crossroads for B&D. With the first or second pick, they'll have an opportunity to right the ship. Another Kennyesque choice would be hard to live down.