Episode Six, Episode Seven & Hometowns

Synopsis

Episode Six

The first night after Melissa returned from the Philippines we watched The Bachelor on my sister’s old bed at my parents’ house. We watched Taylor and Corinne have a boring conversation for a couple minutes before realizing we’d already seen that boring conversation at Bri & Doug’s house and Melissa had booted up the wrong episode. She booted up the correct one wherein Taylor told Nick that Corinne was a disrespectful liar. It didn’t work. It reminded me of people trying to change the minds of Trump supporters. “I want you to open your eyeballs,” Taylor said, "and let your aqueous humor spill out,” Nurse Melissa finished. “What I learned tonight is that cats have nine lives, and bitches have two,” Corinne said.

Melissa paused the episode to tell me about a bathroom in the Philippines that had a giant toad living next to the toilet. They skipped the cocktail party and went straight to an outdoor rose ceremony. Nick got rid of Josephine AKA “John Elway”, Alexis AKA “Funny Girl” AKA “Dolphark”, and Jaimi AKA “Iridiscent Purple Lipstick." “I never cry,” Alexis lied while crying. Jaimi also cried.

They went to St. Thomas. The school down the road from my college was called St. Thomas. This was a different St. Thomas. It had beaches and planes. Kristina and Nick flew on one of the planes. Jasmine started crying. Kristina told Nick she was from a huge family. Corinne expressed gratitude and happiness for the maid at the hotel. Kristina told Nick she ate lipstick as a kid, then started living in an orphanage, and then her mom died and then she moved to the U.S. She and Nick both cried.

Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M and Jasmine went on a catamaran which passed by a pirate ship. They went to a beach and played cornhole. Rachel sunk it on her first shot. They took shots of something. They played beach volleyball. Corinne didn’t like it. Rachel made some good serves. Then Rachel got upset. Vanessa cried. Danielle M. cried. Jasmine cried as well. “What was in the alcohol they had?” Melissa asked. “Today was pretty much a disaster. It almost feels like a wasted day,” Nick lamented.

Rachel expressed concern over the process of the show. Nick vaguely reassured her. “I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I think something great can happen,” Nick said. Jasmine talked a lot to the girls and to the cameras. “Jazz seems to have taken a turn to the emotional side,” Raven understated. Jasmine questioned Nick about his lack of expressed interest in her. Nick deflected the questions until Jasmine started crying. She went on a downward spiral that finally hit bottom in a weird spat of choking and cursing. “It might be time to say goodbye,” Nick said and walked her out to the hearse SUV. She cried again in the hearse. “Today did not go as I had hoped,” Nick said. “And tonight was not much better.”

Rachel, Raven and Kristina slept together in a bed. “Is Bachelor so cheap that they have to go three to a bed?” Melissa wondered. Danielle L and Whitney went on a 2-on-1 date. They flew in a helicopter to an elegant bed set up on the beach. There was no one sleeping in it, so apparently production values had increased. Whitney attempted a conversation with Nick. “Do you think her chances would be better if she did pilates on the beach?” Melissa asked. “Yes,” I said. Danielle L then attempted a conversation with Nick. Melissa said Whitney was “sneaky-pretty.” I said Danielle L was the prettiest one. Nick got rid of Whitney. He said something and hugged her but I don’t know what he said because Melissa was saying he said “please get off my island.” In reality they left her on the island. They flew off in a helicopter, leaving her to weep on the beach. “Should have done pilates,” Melissa said.

Nick took Danielle L down into a cellar. They found a quote on a wall that said “Love is Maybe Forever.” They went outside and had dinner while Melissa checked Instagram. I listened to their boring conversation for a minute before checking DFS. It wasn’t going well. By the time I got back to the conversation things had deteriorated to where Nick was frowning a lot. “I am falling in love with you,” Danielle L said. Nick’s frown deepened. He grabbed her hand. Then he got rid of her. “They’re dropping like flies this episode,” Melissa said. Danielle L wept in the hearse.

Nick came into the girls’ hotel room and started crying. He tried to explain that he was worried all his relationships with all the girls would deteriorate. “I don’t know if I can keep doing this,” he said and walked out of the room. Raven cried a bit. Corinne cried. Rachel cried as well.

Episode Seven

Nick and Chris Harrison had a conversation on a beach. Harrison wore jeans and no shoes. Nick expressed fear over finding a partner. Vanessa expressed fear as well, and shed tears. Nick finished his conversation with Harrison and went back to the girls’ hotel room again. After a dramatic pause for commercial, he told the girls he wanted to eventually get with one of them. He cancelled the cocktail party and rose ceremony to go to a place called Bimini. Raven said it was the most beautiful place she’d ever been, which made me feel sorry for her.

“I’ve never been on a boat before,” Vanessa announced before getting on a big white boat with Nick. They went snorkeling at the ruins of an old ship. At night they had dinner at a place called Big John’s. Vanessa told Nick she was falling in love with him. They made out, but Nick didn’t say he loved her.

Corinne called herself “the queen of group dates’ before going on one with Nick, Kristina and Raven. Corinne stripped down to her bathing suit. Kristina and Raven decided to fight fire with fire. Nick announced they’d be swimming with sharks. “You can die,” Kristina worried. Raven optimistically thought she’d get the date rose if sharks ate Corinne and Kristina. They snorkeled and saw a shark. Kristina got scared and went back in the boat. The others soon followed and they drank champagne. 

At night they sat on outdoor couches at a resort and talked. Corinne ate cheese. “We have the same coping mechanism,” Melissa observed. Raven started to tell Nick a sad story about her dad having lung cancer before the Hulu feed went out. Melissa fixed it and Raven finished the story. It wasn’t sad after all, but it was enough to get the date rose. “I’m go-in to Hawk-see…with Nick,” Raven said slowly. Melissa made fun of how slowly she spoke. Then they listened to Adam Friedman play music, which was weird because we know Adam Friedman and he has red hair and doesn’t play music. 

Corinne talked about herself in the third person, which annoyed Melissa. Fortunately I stopped doing that before I met her. The remaining Danielle went bicycling, shopping and eating with Nick. They also played basketball with some kids. Then they drank something out of what Melissa called “master koozies” while struggling to maintain a conversation. “You’re fun to have fun with,” Nick said. Hulu went down again so we stopped watching for the evening.
 
Danielle told Nick she really liked him. Nick thought about it and dumped her. They both cried. Corinne went to Nick’s hotel room and drank with him. “I know how to make a man feel good,” Corinne said. “My heart is gold, but my vagine is platinum.” She took him behind a closed door and tried to seduce him. It didn’t work.

Nick and Rachel got giant koozies at a small bar. Melissa wondered if the giant koozies were so they didn’t have to worry about product placement. They further hyped Nick’s impending visit with Rachel’s intimidating father Sam. “I’ve never brought home a white guy,” Rachel said. “They will be skeptical and they will ask questions.” They talked to the bar owner for a bit, then made out on the edge of a pier.

I talked over a sterile Chris Harrison interview with Nick. Melissa rewinded it to hear what they were saying. “I know what you’re about to do,” Harrison said. “It’s a necessary evil. It has to happen.” Nick got rid of Kristina. They both cried. “Let’s be honest,” I said. “Nick was never going with a dental hygienist from Kentucky. Shouldn’t have bothered.” Melissa was happy about it because it meant Corinne’s maid Racquel would likely be on the show. 

Hometowns

We chose to spend our second night in Hermosa Beach watching The Bachelor. I was overjoyed to finally be back to watching on DVR, cutting the show down around a reasonable one hour chunk of time. Nick gave the four remaining girls roses at their hotel room. They started hometowns with Raven. “Ehhh, Hoxie first,” Melissa groaned. “Get it out of the way.” Raven took Nick to a grain bin. A cop pretended to bust them before revealing he was Raven’s brother. Nick and Raven then drove some four-wheelers through the mud before Nick took his shirt off and bent Raven down in the swamp.

Next they went to a ranch house to meet Raven’s parents and brother. They told Raven her dad was now cancer-free and she cried. The dad talked with Raven on the back porch. “Are we dealing with chemo or male pattern baldness?” I wondered in regards to the dad. “A little of both,” Melissa thought. Then the mom talked to Raven on a bed. “I thought he was going to be kind of arrogant,” Raven said. “That’s what I thought,” the mom said. Nick and the dad talked on the back porch. “I didn’t expect to like you,” the dad said. Raven resolved to tell Nick she loved him, but all she could manage was “I think I should tell you that there is no hesitation on my end of what becomes of this.”

Next Nick went to Dallas. He went to church with Rachel. It was a predominantly black church. “This is a little different than my church at home,” Nick said. “That’s because it’s not a bar,” Melissa said. The much-hyped visit with Rachel’s intimidating dad didn’t happen because of “work obligations.” Instead Nick met her mom, sisters, and a white guy married to one of the sisters. “You don’t need to have black skin, but you need to have thick skin,” Rachel said. Nick didn’t know what okra was.

Nick then went shopping with Corinne. Melissa and I both noted how Corinne had been less annoying recently. Nick tried on $800 sweatpants and Bailey let out a crippling fart that immobilized Melissa for a couple minutes. Corinne told Nick she loved him. Nick met Corinne’s mom, dad, sister and nanny Racquel. They ate some gigantic olives that excited me. Corinne’s dad washed his wine down with scotch and said “I believe Corinne is the lid to Nick’s pot.”

Nick met Vanessa in Montreal, where Melissa and I went for my birthday. It was raining frigidly just like it was when we went. They went to Vanessa’s school and made posters with one of her classes. There was a funny bald guy I enjoyed. Vanessa then took Nick to meet about eight hundred family members. Her mom, sister and brother expressed concern to and about Nick. The sister, mom and Nick all cried. Then they went to visit Vanessa’s dad. Nick asked him for his blessing. The dad said no. But Nick convinced him to change his mind. Vanessa cried because her dad told her Nick had asked the other girls’ dads for their blessings too.

They went to Brooklyn. Vanessa cried again. Andi showed up. 

Standings

Julia & Paul - 49
Raven - 20
Jasmine - 9
Whitney - 9
Jaimi - 8
+3 last team standing bonus
It's a runaway. Raven won't win and it doesn't matter. The defending champs are soon to be the defending defending champs. They drafted last and they drafted masterfully. Outside of overlooked Kristina, the newlyweds nailed every pick optimally. Their wedding was spectacular, their new house is spectacular, their dogs are spectacular and their Bachelor teams are spectacular.  As Kwickfish would say, "Owned." 

Kelly & Phil - 32

Corinne - 21

Christen - 4

Hailey - 2

Astrid - 5
I (and Melissa, and everyone who watched the show, and everyone on the show except Nick) talked a lot of shit about Corinne. But at this moment, she has as many points as anyone. It won't be enough, but Kelly & Phil deserve credit for drafting Corinne where they did.

Bri & Doug - 31

Danielle L - 10

Sarah - 6

Kristina - 10

Astrid - 5

Nothing to see here other than some pretty girls who might wind up on Bachelor in Paradise. Bri & Doug drafted an aesthetically pleasing team that didn't amount to much.

Melissa & Tom - 29

Rachel - 17

Taylor - 5

Liz - -1

Josephine - 6

It looks like too little too late for us. Rachel will win or be next Bachelorette, but her mental stability is a double-edged sword - she doesn't cry as much as the other girls and thus lags a few points back. She won't make up twenty points on the defending champs.

Andie & Eric - 28

Danielle M - 11

Alexis - 8

Brittany - 4

Astrid - 5

This team doesn't look bad on paper, until you add up the points on that paper and realize it's going to get last place. 

Andrea & Zack - 23

Vanessa - 21

Lacey - 1

Elizabeth - 1

Last blog I wondered if A to Z could have picked the overall winner and still finish last in the pool. That won't happen, though last place still could. First place is actually still in play as well: Vanessa could plausibly reject a marriage proposal from Nick, catapulting the north Boulderites to a surprise win and Nick off an icy Finnish fjord.

Episodes 4 & 5

Synopsis

Episode Four

The girls expressed shock and concern over Corinne’s behavior with Nick. Vanessa took a stand on Nick’s behavior with Corinne. Sarah and Taylor confronted Corinne. “You do you, you do you, you go girl,” Corinne said. “You do you. I’m’a do me.”

At the rose ceremony Corinne scratched near her eye for about six seconds, much like Bailey does. Melissa noted the size of Josephine’s lips. “I feel really nervous,” the travel nurse said. “You should,” Melissa said. The travel nurse cried. Corinne obviously got the final rose. “I love the taste of victory,” Corinne said and bit her rose. Nick got rid of the travel nurse who cried again and another one whose name we couldn’t remember. She cried also.

“He’s only keeping the ones he has potential with,” Josephine said. “Not you,” I said even though she’s on our team. I’m just happy she got this far. They went to Milwaukee. Nick met his parents in a coffeeshop. “He’s way taller than his dad,” I observed. “Is that dad-dad or stepdad?” Melissa asked. We weren’t sure. The conversation made it seem like it was dad-dad. Nick’s mom cried. Nick cried also.

Danielle L and Nick made cookies and made out. Then they ran into someone Nick had dated for “three or four months.” It was hard to tell if their conversation was awkward or not. Nick continued his autobiography of his romance history with a trip to a grassy hill where Nick used to make out with girls. Then he made out with Danielle L on the grassy hill. At night Danielle L told Nick her parents were divorced. “Do you see this??” Melissa asked. “Her nip is about to pop out of her dress.” Melissa spent about a minute trying to rewind and pause the video at a moment she claimed the nip was visible. “Are we in seventh grade?” I asked. They went to a concert of a pop country guy who sang a lot of high notes.

Most of the girls went to a farm where Nick was feeding baby cows milk to drink. They tried to milk cows. Nick was bad at it. “It was discouraging,” Jaimi said, then correctly milked. Then they shoveled poop. Kind of like our DFS lineups that night. Corinne gave up. Nick hinted at a future date to Kristina. Corinne grabbed her boobs and made a creamed corn analogy. Vanessa showed Nick a nice book her students had made for her. That sequence reminded me of the Trump/Obama juxtaposition. Kristina dropped a “right reasons” to Corinne. Kristina also added the date rose.

Nick and Raven took a walk to a girls soccer game. It was Nick’s little sister Bella’s game. They tried to be goalies for the girls. They were both bad at being goalies. Nick’s parents were at the game. Bella scored a goal. They went roller skating with Bella. They played arcade games. Then they had dinner at the Milwaukee Art Museum where I once had lunch. Raven told Nick about the time she found out she was being cheated on. She remembered a lot of details. Corinne and Taylor had a long boring conversation which I used as an opportunity to check the WSOP schedule.


Episode Five

Bri & Doug have a fantastic U-shaped couch which allowed them, Andrea, Zack, Melissa, Blaze the dog and myself a comfortable seat with a clear view of the 5th episode of Nick V's turn as The Bachelor. Turbo the dog was unable to find a seat on the couch and walked around the couch in what I interpreted as frustration. Corinne & Taylor had a spat. Corinne dropped a “Right Reasons.” Taylor dropped a “Wrong Reasons.” Andrea, Bri, Zack and Corinne simultaneously swilled wine glasses. Corinne complained about Taylor to Nick. “Corinne is gonna be so amazing on Bachelor in Paradise,” Doug said. “Oh I just want to punch her in the face!” Andrea said and then punched the air.

At the rose ceremony, Danielle M got the couch’s approval. Zack said there was “no chance” Corinne would go home. “Zero,” he clarified after I asked. Corinne did get a rose. Astrid & Sarah did not. They were both on Bri & Doug’s team. They handled the losses well. Sarah did not: she cried.

Turbo finally got on the couch and immediately made out with Andrea. “Cosmo wants to lick me 45 times in a row,” Andrea said. “I counted.” They went to New Orleans (Nick and the ladies, not Andrea & Cosmo). Alexis shook her fake boobs before making a Game of Thrones reference. “Everytime I watch this show it makes me want to lift weights,” Andrea said, then suggested Zack should host the show because he has “the same personality” as Chris Harrison.

Tom gets up to use the bathroom. Melissa steals his computer. Bri wonders how Tom is going to quote everyone when he is in the bathroom. Everyone else makes bets on who will be on the 2 on 1 (Corinne and Taylor – duh!). Doug made popcorn. The conversation quickly turned to president Donald Trump. The couch was not pleased it would have to spend more money on avocadoes, among other reservations.

Nick & Rachel went to a market and ate hot sauce. Then they ate beignets. Andrea was reminded of “the worst coffee of my life” she’d had from Café du Monde. Then they danced in a parade (Nick and Rachel, not Andrea and the worst coffee). Then they danced in a bar. Neil the Ring Guy showed up in a commercial which Doug didn’t fast forward through. Perhaps because he works in the industry he likes commercials. Nick and Rachel went to a garage full of mardi gras floats to have dinner. They both drank beers which some of us found impressive. Nick talked about meeting Rachel’s parents without using “if”. Nick said he might be “breaking rules” but that he was “super into” Rachel. The couch strongly praised Rachel. I hurriedly wrote down as many compliments as I could: 

• “smart”
• “normal temperament”
• “attorney”
• “great arms”
• “flip flops instead of crazy-ass stilettos”

They showed some of the girls without makeup. Danielle L took a moment to recognize. Corinne and Danielle M looked better. “Josephine looks like John Elway,” Zack said. The group date was announced, making it apparent Corinne & Taylor would be going on a 2-on-1 date later. Zack and I bet an upcoming Hungry Toad bill on who would win. I took Taylor, he took Corinne. “Corinne is gonna f***ing go home,” Andrea said confidently. But she turned down Zack’s offer of a $20 bet on it. Zack suggested a dog walk as the stakes. Andrea said that was a man’s job. “I don’t smash the patriarchy in that regard,” she said. Within seconds Zack had been identified as “The King of White Male Privilege” before the term was extended to Doug and me. Then the couch heaped praise on the leadership and looks of Justin Trudeau.

The big group date was at a haunted house. They pulled out a Ouija board which Doug called a “woojee” board. I checked DFS. Zack Randolph got off to a slow start. Zack Sanders called Whitney “the poor man’s Vanessa.” Danielle M and Vanessa bonded. Nick tickled Danielle M. Raven told Nick about the moment she “fell in love” with him. It wasn’t enough to get the rose. Danielle M got it.

Corinne & Taylor went on two-on-one date in a swamp. A large man in a black tank-top drove the boat. Doug made a Deliverance joke. They met up with voodoo people including a priestess who brought them to a tarot card reader. Corinne called Taylor a “big mean swamp monster.” Nick started a serious conversation with Taylor. “I can taste that Boddington’s now,” Zack said in reference to the Hungry Toad bet. I usually get a Speckled Hen and Zack usually gets a Boddington's. The tarot card reader asked Corinne if she had any questions. “How do you make a voodoo doll specific to a person?” Corinne asked. Taylor said Nick’s relationship with Corinne would be built on “like, whipped cream and lies.” “#whippedcream&lies” Zack said. Corinne won the two-on-one date. Taylor got rubbed with oil by the voodoo people. Corinne aggressively made fun of Taylor to a rose. “She’s turning into a Trump,” Bri said. The show ended with Taylor dramatically interrupting Corinne & Nick at dinner.

Standings

Julia & Paul - 32
Raven - 9
Jasmine - 7
Whitney - 6
Jaimi - 7
+3 last team standing bonus
Big turn of events here. The defending champs have surged to the lead on the wings of Raven and a solid supporting cast. However, Raven is going to be this whole team sooner rather than later. She's a contender for hometowns, but has ground to make up on the leading contenders to go any deeper.

Andie & Eric - 25

Danielle M - 9

Alexis - 7

Brittany - 4

Astrid - 5

Alexis is nearing the end of her run, but Danielle is rock solid. The NICU Nurse is heading to hometowns at the least.

Bri & Doug - 25

Danielle L - 8

Sarah - 6

Kristina - 6

Astrid - 5

Does Danielle L have as much potential as the other top contenders? I'm not sure. She's strong in group scenarios, but the chemistry seemed to peter out in her one-on-one with Nick. Kristina isn't a bad second banana though.

Kelly & Phil - 23

Corinne - 12

Christen - 4

Hailey - 2

Astrid - 5
This team is quickly disintegrating. Even if Corinne does defy the odds and make it deep, K&P will have a hard time hanging in with just one player.

Melissa & Tom - 19

Rachel - 9

Taylor - 5

Liz - -1

Josephine - 6

Rachel had an extremely strong one-on-one and is likely to either win or be next Bachelorette. But will it be enough? Josephine will likely be out at the next rose ceremony and we're already 13 points back of Julia & Paul. I don't see it happening this season for us.

Andrea & Zack - 9

Vanessa - 7

Lacey - 1

Elizabeth - 1

Could A to Z have picked the overall winner and still get last in the pool? It's in play for sure.

Episodes 2 & 3

Synopsis

Episode Two

A gaggle of girls drove down to a mansion to hang out with Nick. That was weird because they were living at a mansion so Nick could have just come to them. They took photos in wedding dresses. Bailey had to rest his head on my laptop in order to stay on the couch. He got lucky when I dropped some Chipotle on the laptop. This was the third time we’ve had Chipotle in Vermont so it was special. We take Vitamin D pills for the lack of sunlight but they don’t make Chipotle pills. Yet. Corinne complained about how hot Brittany looked topless.

A bunch of them kissed Nick while taking fake wedding photos with him. Corinne didn’t like it. Alexis said her kiss “tastes like Danielle.” Brittany kissed him while almost naked holding an apple. Corinne didn’t like it. Corinne took her top off in the mansion’s swimming pool in front of everyone. “This is getting very special right now,” Lacey said. Corinne said Nick was “holding her bare bosoms” even though “bosoms” would mean four breasts or more.

During the night portion of the group date, Corinne made out with Nick and said things in double or triplicate like she was “falling, falling, falling” for Nick and feelings were growing “stronger and stronger and stronger” and she was “good very good.” Raven told Nick her last relationship had ended when she walked in on her then-boyfriend with another woman. Corinne butted in on three girls (the triplicate thing again) to make out with Nick and said “cheers bitches” to the group before downing some wine. Then she got the group date rose. Melissa gave a huge thumbs down. “He likes crazy,” she said bitterly. “That’s his type.”

Back at the mansion Corinne bragged about Nick holding her boobs. “He literally Janet Jacksoned you,” Lacey said. Danielle M who Melissa calls the “NICU” nurse went on a helicopter ride with Nick over Southern California to land on a yacht off Newport Beach. Melissa made her usual “Why have we not done that?” joke.

Liz told Christen she had banged Nick already and Christen said “Playasaywhat??” to the cameras. Liz tried to explain to Christen why she didn’t give her number to Nick and it made as little sense to Christen as it did to us. Melissa noted the conversation took place over the course of three different outfits.

Nick and Danielle M went on a helicopter ride. Danielle M told Nick she had been engaged until her fiancée overdosed on drugs and she found him. That was enough to lock up the date rose, obtain a kiss, and get a “she’s really pretty” from Melissa. They went on a ferris wheel and made out (Danielle M & Nick, not Danielle M & Melissa).

Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina and Liz prepared for a group date with Nick. Josephine and the dental hygienist with the mysterious accent hyperventilated. They went to the Museum of Broken Relationships in Hollywood. Nick placed the engagement ring he bought from Neill the Ring Guy in front of his dates and talked about how it made him sad, but happy because it made him better. There was a fake breakup with two actors as a guide for fake breakups they would all act out. Melissa realized the girl slapping Nick in the face (a highlight of the big teaser trailer at the end of episode one) was going to be part of an act. “That’s disappointing,” I said. “Usually is,” Melissa said. Liz cried.

Nick was natural at fake-breaking up, probably because he’s done it for real so many times. Astrid did an okay job of fake breaking up. Kristina laughed during hers. Jaimi was convincing. Christen’s was okay. Josephine did the slap. It was huge, like when Ben Howard slaps in “Sorry With Slaps” which is playing the board game “Sorry” only you can slap someone in the face if they screw up. It’s really fun actually. Liz went over the top with super-serious and intense references to her real “breakup” with Nick.

At night Jaimi told Nick she dated a girl while Melissa edited pictures of the ice castle in New Hampshire she went to that afternoon. Christen served as an intermediary between Liz and Nick. Then they cut out the middle woman and talked. “The more I talk to Liz the less she makes sense,” Nick said. “I’d be shocked if some girls don’t decide to leave,” Christen said. Then Nick got rid of Liz. “Welp,” I said. “Hopefully our fourth round pick does well,” Melissa said. Nick told the remaining girls on the date he had boned Liz before and Astrid threw her hands to her face. They ended the show without a rose ceremony; instead they had a one-year birthday party for Alexis’s fake boobs.

Episode Three

We watched the episode from the 24th floor of Loews Hotel in Philadelphia. The girls expressed shock and concern upon learning about Nick’s tryst with Liz. He spent the cocktail party explaining it one by one to the girls while rubbing their hands. Bailey put his head on Melissa’s leg to get closer to her Philly cheesesteak (vegetarian of course, because eating animals from factory farms is disgusting). Corinne put on a trenchcoat and put whipped cream in Nick’s mouth and on her chest. “I love that Corinne seems to be very comfortable with her body and very comfortable with her sexuality,” Nick said, but expressed concern over how the other girls would feel. Corinne then wept and slept through the rose ceremony with her rose cuddled on the bed next to her like Bailey cuddles with us. Nick got rid of the underwear-joker Hailey (because she forgot the top third of her dress, according to Melissa) who immediately started weeping (Hailey, not Melissa). He also eliminated Lacey AKA “Yellowdress” according to Melissa. 

Chris Harrison hyped a big group date. The Backstreet Boys came into the mansion singing and told the girls not to wear heels. Danielle L said they were her favorite band. “Was that past tense or present?” Melissa wondered. Melissa admitted she liked the one she thought was named Brian, who I pointed out was the shortest one (Melissa likes short guys. Fortunately.) They went to a warehouse and practiced dancing. Danielle L. did well. Corinne did not, so she went to the bathroom and cried.

The Backstreet Boys started with that “Backstreet’s back, all right!” song which I secretly kind of like (no longer a secret I suppose). Jasmine, who dances professionally at Golden State Warriors games, didn’t get voted the best dancer by the crowd. Danielle L. did. Her reward was a dance onstage with Nick with the ‘Boys serenading them with that “I Want It That Way” song which I secretly kind of like. Seriously those are the only two Backstreet Boys songs I like or even know. Except for that “Incomplete” song which I secretly kind of like.

Danielle L confidently made out with Nick. “She’s going to hometowns,” I stated. Corinne said she wanted to get a boob job, “but a tiny one.” Then she tried to explain her nanny to the other ladies. Jasmine got jittery and ornery and fell over. Nick unsurprisingly gave Danielle L the group date rose.

Vanessa and Nick went on a plane that was supposed to have no gravity, but actually had some. They made out while floating. Melissa and I both checked our phones. At dinner Vanessa told Nick her grandfather died. I made fun of Zack’s team to him via imessage and said it was “too bad cause Vanessa is legit.” “Yeah she’s a real person,” Zack responded.

Nick and the girls did track and field with Allyson Felix, Carl Lewis and Michelle Carter. Astrid’s boobs bounced a lot. Alexis pulled off the high jump. Astrid hit the javelin heart target. Dominique bucked stereotypes by being bad. The final event was a race to a ring. Rachel was fastest, but botched picking up the ring. Then she ran back to pick it up, stepped on it, and shattered it. Astrid picked up a shard of it so she “kind of won” according to Nick. 

Dominique cried, got consoled by Rachel, saw Rachel making out with Nick, and started crying again. Melissa noticed Alexis’s fake boobs were too far apart. We remembered our nickname for her is “Dolphark” because of her shark/dolphin costume from the first night. Nick got rid of Dominique and she cried for a third time. Nobody got points for her crying or negative points for her getting booted before the rose ceremony because nobody picked her to be on their team. Seems to be the story of her life. Rachel got the date rose. Melissa and I high-fived.

They did a pool party instead of a cocktail party. “Her bathing suit is not even covering her pubes,” Melissa said in reference to Jasmine. Corinne and Nick jumped inside of a bouncy castle and made out, angering some girls. Afterwards Corinne fell asleep in the castle and snored. Raven told Nick that Corinne had a nanny. “She does not know how to clean a spoon,” Raven said gravely. Jasmine, Taylor and Vanessa also told Nick they thought Corinne was bad.

Standings

Kelly & Phil - 14

Corinne - 6

Christen - 3

Hailey - 2

Astrid - 3
Corinne is going to accumulate points like Ashton Eaton in a decathlon until she expires. That expiration is inevitable, however, and I think it will come sooner rather than later. Then this team is finished. Still, I like the high-upside Corinne pick where they got her.

Andie & Eric - 12

Danielle M - 3

Alexis - 3

Brittany - 3

Astrid - 3

This team is going to be tough. Danielle M is a contender, Nick will probably keep Dolphark around a while for the laughs, and Brittany and Astrid won't be anchors. It looks to be a boom year in Eric's boom/bust pattern.

Bri & Doug - 12

Danielle L - 4

Sarah - 3

Kristina - 2

Astrid - 3

The mirror image of A&E's team, right down to using the first five letters of the alphabet in their abbreviated team name. B&D have a contending Danielle at the top, a decent second banana, a non-anchor, and Astrid. This season could come down to a Battle of Danielles. 

Julia & Paul - 10
Raven - 2
Jasmine - 3
Whitney - 2
Jaimi - 3
Raven seems to have the best chance at being this year's Whitney - an under-the-radar charmer who suddenly comes on after a gamechanging one-on-one date. Considering Raven has only been on one group date, that could happen as soon as the next episode. The rest of this team is also-rans, but at least they made it this far.

Melissa & Tom - 7

Rachel - 3

Taylor - 3

Liz - -1

Josephine - 2

It will be interesting to see if Liz murders this team. I thought she was a great value near the bottom of the third round, obviously not anticipating she could be going home the next episode with a negative on her back. Josephine's singing aside, this is a solid team that could be in the mix if Rachel goes all the way. She's already garnered two "preliminary" roses.

Andrea & Zack - 6

Vanessa - 4

Lacey - 1

Elizabeth - 1

Ouch. It was all over for A&E ten minutes into the second episode after the draft. Double-digit picks are easy to miss on, but Team Zero Waste has to be regretting not picking up a bonus 4th round pick. It's too bad, because Vanessa might be this season's strongest player.

Episode One & The Draft

Synopsis

Melissa, Bailey, the “GOAT” pizza (the Upper East Side from Manhattan Pizza Pub in Burlington Vermont – a white sauce pizza with breaded eggplant, ricotta cheese, red onion and spinach), a Stone Corral Black Beer, a Smuggler’s Notch Maple bourbon & ginger and I sat down on the couch for the eagerly anticipated season premiere of The Bachelor featuring my personal favorite “character” Nick V in the titular role.

There was the obligatory opener featuring Nick V, Nick V’s abs, and Nick V’s glutes. They showed him get obliterated by Andi, then Kaitlin. He said he was excited to have the shoe on the other foot, though it was “arguably likely” he would get his heart broken again. Repeat heartbreak was an ominous theme throughout the first episode and the teaser trailer at the end. He looked at old photos of himself with his family, including a bleach-blonde high school look they said made him look like a vampire. Coincidentally, his little sister was named Bella.

Next up came the obligatory session with previous Bachelors Blonde Guy, Farmer, and Ben. Blonde Guy (I think his name is Sean) has been on every season since we started watching, I think. It was unclear why the Farmer was there since he quit on his relationship with Whitney without ever giving it a fair shake. Perhaps it was for his taste in plaid shirts. “Wait, Ben wound up with who?” Melissa asked. It took me a second. “That blonde girl from Portland?” I suggested. “Oh yeah – she was kind of stupid,” Melissa said. Melissa thought it would be funny if one of the guys who “beat him” was there giving advice.

Then came the vignettes on some of the more prominent contestants. They did them on a lawyer/vacuumer, a beach bunny, a multilingual special needs teacher, a nursing student, an Arkansan, a Miami businesswoman, a weirdo from New Jersey, a nurse, a mental health pro, and a “doula” who knew Nick from Jade & Tanner’s wedding.

During the commercial break I ate more pizza and texted with Toph, who said he was watching The Bachelor along with the Rose Bowl.  Even though Toph probably had mid-five figures on the game, he was more focused and fired up for The Bachelor. Toph and I lamented the Rose Bowl being on Jan. 2nd instead of 1st and agreed it didn’t feel right.

Danielle the beach bunny came out of the limo on the wet driveway first. “She forgot the middle part of her dress,” Melissa said. She reminded me of Kobe Bryant’s wife. Then there was Elizabeth, a marketing manager from Dallas. The attorney came next and made a strong move with a fantasy (sports, not suite) reference. Then came a huge-mouthed woman in a yellow dress, the mental health counselor who awkwardly told him her friends thought he was a “complete piece of sh__”, a dental hygienist with a mysterious accent, a model, someone named Hussy who made fun of their last names, a food truck operator, Ida Marie, an Alaskan, Sarah who ran up and made a “runner-up” joke I liked, a pro basketball dancer who brought Neill the ring guy, a Canadian who made an underwear joke I also liked, a sexual German, and the “doula” who already had sex with Nick. It was unclear if Nick remembered her or not. He skillfully used language that made it seem like he thought he remembered her without committing.

USC scored a TD to cut the gap in half on Penn St. Nick V told Harrison he thought he remembered the doula. Then another limo pulled up and out came Corinne who gave him a “hug token”, the French-speaking special ed teacher, Danielle who gave Nick maple syrup just like we gave everyone for Xmas, the Arkansan, a chef with a nose ring, someone with a stethoscope, an account manager, a nurse with a hot dog, a (different) travel nurse just like Melissa, a flight attendant, a pilates instructor, someone on a camel, the “aspiring dolphin trainer” who reminded me of the aspiring dolphin trainer from Survivor and Jonathan Jaffe the aspiring dolphin trainer/professional poker player, and Emma Stone. Actually Emma Stone was in a commercial for a movie with Ryan Gosling. I got confused because it was right after the limo sequence and Ryan Gosling was on the show recently. 

The big surprise wasn’t how many contestants were wearing red dresses, it wasn’t how many were nurses, it was how many were black. Kevin Love went to the locker room and I yelled the F word. Corinne gave Nick a bag of tokens. Then she got overaggressive and kissed him.

ABC ran a crapload of commercials. USC tied it 49-49 with a minute left. Nikola Vucevic double-doubled in the third quarter. Corinne further established herself as the Villain. The aspiring dolphin trainer was wearing a shark costume but kept insisting it was a dolphin.

Somehow USC had the ball back in field goal range with 5 seconds left. They made the field goal to win it 52-49. Pac-12! Rachel, an early Melissa favorite, got the First Impression Rose – much to Corinne’s chagrin. No rhyme intended. Rachel also got a kiss. Nick said “you guys” to the group of girls which is a term I often consider in school with groups of girls and usually avoid in favor of “ladies.” The travel nurse started freaking out cause so many of them were wearing red dresses and she wanted to be noticed. “That’s totally the reason you’re not getting a rose – cause of your red dress, not cause of your shitty personality,” Melissa said.

At the rose ceremony, Nick saved the last rose for the doula he already banged. We had a discussion about Nick and her having sex at the wedding and the aftermath. I found the idea of having sex with someone and then not recognizing them later preposterous, even for a supposed-player like Nick, even if the sex was super drunk. “He obviously has sex at every wedding,” I said. “So do you, now,” Melissa said. In any case, it was clear Nick did recognize and remember her. He got rid of the Alaskan, one or two nurses, one or two black women, and one or two I had never seen before. “I would have kept the Alaskan,” I said. “That’s because you want to spend summers there,” Melissa said. The most exciting events of the epic season trailer were Nick getting slapped in the face by one of the ladies and Corinne saying “my heart is gold, but my vagine is platinum.”

The Draft

1. Andie & Eric - Danielle M
2. Andrea & Zack - Vanessa
3. Melissa & Tom - Rachel
4. Bri & Doug - Danielle L
5. Kelly & Phil - Corinne
6. Julia & Paul - Raven
7. Julia & Paul - Jasmine
8. Kelly & Phil - Christen
9. Bri & Doug - Sarah
10. Melissa & Tom - Taylor
11. Andrea & Zack - Lacey
12. Andie & Eric - Alexis
13. Andrea & Zack - Elizabeth
14. Bri & Doug - Kristina
15. Julia & Paul - Whitney
16. Kelly & Phil - Hailey
17. Melissa & Tom - Liz
18. Andie & Eric - Brittany

Eric proposed an added 4th round in which we could independently draft any of the remaining players if we chose, with a -1 point penalty for anyone we chose who didn't receive a rose at the first ceremony. We accepted.

4th Round:
Andie & Eric - Astrid
Bri & Doug - Astrid
Kelly & Phil - Astrid
Julia & Paul - Jaimi
Melissa & Tom - Josephine
Andrea & Zack - Nobody

This left Dominique as the only contestant not drafted, the One True Dreg. 

I am not going to power rank the teams or analyze in depth as I don't have much of a feel for this season yet. I thought the first four picks were reasonable and straightforward and Corinne at #5 was overly aggressive, but the alternatives at that point were not enticing. I was surprised Liz fell to #17 though I 'd be more surprised if she went deep (yeah, I know, she already did, ba-dum-cha.) I'm looking forward to the season.

Fantasy Suites, The Men Tell All, Finale, & After The Final Rose

Synopsis 

Fantasy Suites

JoJo got rid of Luke after all. She cried a lot. He put his head in his hands in the hearse but it was unclear if he cried.

JoJo seemed to recover quickly, as she enthusiastically took Robby to a market in Thailand. They got foot massages during a rainstorm, then made out in front of the masseurs. At dinner Robby rocked his usual white pant/t-shirt/sportcoat combo. “He’s from Florida?” Melissa asked. “He seems like he’s from Florida.” Robby gave JoJo a nice note his dad had written him. Melissa questioned if he wrote it himself. They spent the night in the fantasy suite and got a big, diverse breakfast spread right on their bed. “It makes it easy to picture waking up with Robby every day,” JoJo said.

JoJo immediately headed off to her date with Jordan while Melissa made a walk of shame joke. They went to some caves where they weren’t allowed to make out. They had to converse instead, which caused Melissa and I to talk about Odd13 Brewery and take this picture of Bailey.

Jordan tossed on a sportcoat for dinner and gave JoJo vague, sterile answers to her questions about the future. They were good enough to get into the fantasy suite.

“We’re eating our first breakfast together,” JoJo said the next morning. Melissa noticed she’d used that exact same line with Robby. JoJo took another walk of shame, this time on the beach, to a temple. I made a comment about Chase’s “medical sales rep” profession, which made me think of Phil as well as the Jake Gyllenhaal character from “Love and Other Drugs.” Melissa somehow didn’t know who Jake Gyllenhaal was until a google image search. 

Robby snuck into JoJo’s dwelling in between the day and night portions of her date with Chase, grabbing two more points to extend his and Paulia’s lead on the field. At dinner Chase told JoJo he was in love with her. She kissed him “to make him stop talking” (Melissa) and thanked him. Then she went outside and cried, came back in and dumped him. Chase said he was “skewered” and “shattered”, cried a little, said it was like “getting your pants pulled down and then kicked in the nuts” but handled it relatively well overall.

Chase crashed the rose ceremony to tell JoJo he thought she was swell and that he was available “down the road.” JoJo cried once more while I perused Chase’s instagram. He turned out to be a redneck. JoJo gave Jordan and Robby roses while a monkey skittered above, snooping.

The Men Tell All

Chad was spotted eating a yam. There was a preview for Bachelor in Paradise that showed Nick V falling to the depths of that girl Amanda who says "“like” twelve times a sentence and Wells dipping down to Ashley Kardashian.

The Marine became confrontational during a conversation about how confrontational he was. Wells likened Chad to Voldemort. There was a big Chad recap followed by a big Chad interview. Chad called Grant “Darryl” for some reason. Chad revealed he’d dated both Grant’s ex-girlfriend and Robby’s ex-girlfriend in recent months. The Santa Claus guy challenged Chad to a fight on stage. Chad said they shouldn’t because they were wearing dress shoes. 

Luke came on and acquitted himself well. "It seems like you're ready to love again," Chris Harrison said to conclude the interview, perhaps teasing him as the next Bachelor. Chase came on and acquitted himself fairly well. JoJo came on and acquitted herself quite well. Then Vinny's mom came on and acquitted her son well. 

Finale

Chris Harrison announced it was a three-hour finale. Melissa and I groaned simultaneously. Then we ate more of our anniversary wedding cake which was delicious. We washed it down with peach-agave cider. In the studio they showed Ben from last season and Lauren B who he chose. Chad and some other guys who lost were also there.

JoJo’s super-Texan dad, her mom who drank wine straight from the bottle last season, her intimidating brothers, and some woman we assumed was one of the brothers’ wives showed up in Thailand. “I think I love both of them,” JoJo said and the wine-drinking mom looked appalled. “She’s had her fair share of plastic surgery as well,” Melissa noted. “Maybe it was like a mother-daughter thing they did together,” she added, then complimented Jordan’s choice of flower bouquet.

Jordan met the family. They wore silly hats and laughed. Then JoJo’s mom grilled Jordan. “JoJo has trust issues with men,” she explained. “How you gonna handle that?” “Give me your word, that you will never break my daughter’s heart,” she demanded. “Absolutely not. I promise,” Jordan responded. JoJo’s mom went on to express concern to JoJo because they were too similar and Jordan got as much attention as her when walking into rooms. “Do you like Jordan?” JoJo asked. “Yes. Who doesn’t like Jordan?” JoJo’s mom asked. “Aaron,” I said. Jordan failed to ask JoJo’s dad if he could marry her.

Robby’s bouquet wasn’t as good, in Melissa’s opinion. Soraya, JoJo’s mom, had a favorable first impression. He was a “gentleman” who “wasn’t flying off the roof.” JoJo’s intimidating brothers observed zero red flags with him. He had an encouraging meeting with Soraya after which Melissa declared “He’s winning.” Then Robby gave Soraya and the super-Texan dad a reasonably eloquent and well-executed inquiry for their blessing which brought the dad, JoJo and Melissa to tears.

JoJo’s family told her Jordan didn’t ask for their blessing, upsetting JoJo. She cried a lot over the big decision between Jordan and Robby. Then she went swimming at a beach near Phuket with Robby. At night they had a very long and boring conversation before parting.

JoJo and Jordan went sea kayaking to a small beach where they took off their shirts and drank what looked like wine. JoJo expressed concern over Jordan’s failure to secure her dad’s blessing. I think I fell asleep for a moment. We resumed the next evening.

Neil the Ring Guy came by. Robby and Jordan selected similar rings. Jordan called JoJo’s parents and got their blessing, then wrote a letter to JoJo. Robby also wrote a letter but his was blander. JoJo and the guys read while dressing up from underwear to fancy suits.

“This is going to be painful,” Chris Harrison said as he introduced the final segment. “I think it is going to be Jordan,” Melissa wavered. “Or…Robby.” Robby came out first. “This is going to be so sad,” Melissa said. “Only if Robby’s going home,” I responded. “Robby is going home,” she said. “He got out of the limo first.”

It was Robby. He got halfway through a praising speech before “Joelle” as she was suddenly being called by both guys cut him off and told him not to “get down on a knee” as both guys were suddenly calling it. JoJo got rid of Robby. Both cried quite a bit.

Jordan came on, praised JoJo, got down on a knee, and shipped it.

After the Final Rose

Robby came on. He seemed to be doing okay. He said some boring and predictable things to JoJo while I wrote up the last paragraph. Chris Harrison asked JoJo who should be the next Bachelor. She suggested Chase and Luke and Luke got more cheers from the audience. Then Chad self-promoted himself drawing some cheers and some boos. I asked Melissa if we could have anniversary cake at the next break and she said yes. JoJo said she had cried herself to sleep because of tabloid rumors but Jordan had been comforting.

Jordan came on wearing another good suit. “Ya did good, kid, ya did good,” Chris Harrison said. They talked vaguely about “difficult circumstances” related to the tabloids. Harrison showed them an optimistic People Magazine cover with them on it. Melissa and I talked about how “getting down on a knee” meant winning the game in football, which was probably why Jordan kept calling it that. JoJo and Jordan expressed a mutual love for Chipotle, which I refer to as “ChiGOATle”, as in Greatest Of All Time. They said they were buying a house in Dallas, which I noted was a downward move for Jordan from Northern California.

Harrison steered the conversation towards Aaron Rodgers. “Has anything changed?” Harrison asked. Jordan dodged the question. “We got furniture to buy,” he explained. “Have you met Aaron?” Harrison asked JoJo. She gave a vague answer on the “no” spectrum. There was a big Bachelor in Paradise preview which mildly intrigued me because Nick V. was on it. 

Standings

1. Julia & Paul - 46 points

Robby - 34

Ali - 3

Evan - 9
Robby turned on the afterburners like a champion swimmer on the final length, hilariously even stealing two extra points on the rarely seen "extra time" maneuver. It didn't matter that he didn't close - J&P's lead was too large. Evan was a crucial third round pick, netting a round-high 9 points. And Robby made up for Ali with his relentless point-scoring. Cheers to the champs.

This is a couple that is kicking some serious ass right now. Bagging 14ers and Bachelorette titles, crushing half a dozen different races, wedding planning. Beasts.

2. Kelly & Phil - 41 points

Jordan - 33

Christian - 3

James F - 5
Jordan actually finished a point behind Robby the Relentless. I think the scoring is okay and we should award points for crying for men and points for dropping a "right reasons." What suggestions do you guys have?

3. Bri & Doug - 33 points

Chase - 24

Wells - 8

Nick - 1
Thought next Bachelor hasn't been announced yet and could swing our pool months after the finale, that announcement won't determine this season. It could have an effect on draft order if Chase, Luke or James Taylor is chosen.

4. Melissa & Tom - 28 points

Luke - 18

Derek - 9

Will - 1
I still like Luke as next Bachelor, but Melissa doesn't see it. I suppose Robby is the favorite, Chase  and Luke will get consideration, and James Taylor is the darkhorse. I won't be excited to watch any of these dudes. I'm hoping they let Nick V take a shot at it. Or bring back Juan Pablo for another term.

4. Andrea & Zack - 28 points

James Taylor - 14
Chad - 3
Vinny - 8
Funny that Chad only scored three points this season despite getting the third-most airtime of anyone. Maybe we need to adjust the rules to give more points to confrontational "diva" players like Chad or Olivia. Or maybe not.

6. Andie & Eric - 17 points

Alex - 10

Grant - 7

James S - 0
"With the first pick, in the the 2017 Bachelor draft, Andie & Eric select _________..."

Episode Seven and Hometowns

Synopsis 

Episode Seven

“This is a huge week,” JoJo surmised. Chris Harrison told the guys there would be three one-on-ones (without roses) and a group date with a rose. “This week is huge,” he concluded. “Stakes are high,” James Taylor said. “Stakes are very high,” Chase added.

JoJo and the Marine drove through the countryside while the other guys rapped on a bus. It was a well-executed rap with Chase beatboxing (the Erie crew noted this was remarkable because he was from Highlands Ranch) and it made fun of the Marine’s height. The Marine’s date appeared to go horribly. The highlight was when a gaucho calmed a horse into lying down on the grass and letting JoJo and Alex lie on it and stroke it and stroke each other and kiss over it. Doug perceived JoJo’s connection to the horse to be stronger than her connection with the Marine.

JoJo and the Marine ate dinner with a dog that looked a little like Bailey. “Tonight is one of the happiest moments of my life,” the Marine stated. He told JoJo he was falling in love with her. “I don’t really know what to think of it,” JoJo told the cameras. “I feel amazing right now,” the Marine said. “I actually feel great that I can just sit here now, and, boom, breathe.” JoJo cringed and Doug spilled wine on his pants. Fortunately it was just his pants and not Bri & Doug’s new couch. JoJo then told him she didn’t love him, wouldn’t love him, and he should leave. “It definitely sucks that you can’t see that being something that you’d want,” the Marine said. They parted ways.

JoJo and Jordan flew a plane to Mendoza, Argentina, then took a limo to a vineyard, then walked through the vineyard, then smashed grapes with their feet. “Everyone loves the flavor of athlete’s foot,” Bri commented. Jordan revealed that he was estranged from his brother Aaron Rodgers and told JoJo he was in love with her. JoJo’s reaction to this news was nicer than it was for the Marine.

Chase, James Taylor and Robby met JoJo at a hotel in the pouring rain. James Taylor ate a lot of French fries at once. “It made him look highly unattractive and it was hilarious,” Chase guffawed. JoJo dared Robby to run down the hall in his underwear. He did it. Doug wasn’t impressed because he assumed they had the whole floor of the hotel to themselves. James Taylor casually accused Robby of repeatedly checking out other women and Robby said he was lying. Robby told JoJo he had gotten out of a four-year relationship four-and-a-half months ago. Bri, Doug, and Melissa thought “something was not right” with Robby’s appearance. Doug thought it was his big but receding hair. “He won’t have to spend much on swim caps anymore,” Doug poked. Bri thought Robby’s head was too small. Chase told JoJo he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. The guys dropped the word “frontrunner” about twelve times in twenty seconds. Robby got the date rose, giving him extra time to make out with JoJo.

Luke and JoJo did some stuff with horses and went skeet shooting, inspiring reminiscences of the Nintendo game Duck Hunt in Erie. Luke was good with the horses and better with the gun. He also did a good job talking and kissing. JoJo skipped the cocktail party and got rid of James Taylor instead of Chase, probably because she wanted to do a hometown in Denver instead of Katy, Texas. They both cried while the Erie crew googled whether or not JoJo’s boobs were real. They weren’t, according to the internet.

Hometowns

JoJo met Chase at an overlook Melissa quickly identified as Daniels Park. She also finally admitted Chase was “really cute,” perhaps because he was back home in the GOAT state, Colorado. He lived in a cookie-cutter home in a cookie-cutter neighborhood. “THAT looks like Highlands Ranch,” Melissa commented. Chase's dad came over and Chase picked an odd time to ask him why his marriage to Chase’s mother failed. Chase’s dad seemed to like JoJo. “She’s beautiful, and she’s smart, and she’s got a head on her shoulders,” he summarized.

JoJo and Chase’s mom had a conversation on a chairlift in Chase's mom's back yard. “If you’re not having fun, you need to have fun,” Chase’s mom said.  “Good advice,” Melissa said. Then Chase talked to his mom and cried. JoJo wore a sweater/dress/jacket combination that Melissa wondered if she could pull off. Chase told JoJo he was falling in love with her. It was unclear if that was because of the sweater/dress/jacket.

Then JoJo went to Chico, California to see some deer and make out with Jordan in a field. They then went to his old high school. Jordan claimed he had never been there with a girl he liked. “Why didn’t Jordan have girlfriends in high school?” I wondered. “Because he was busy banging all the chicks,” Melissa responded. Jordan brought JoJo to his parents’ house to meet a bunch of family members not including Aaron Rodgers. Bailey started snoring loudly. Jordan’s “weathered” (Melissa’s word) dad talked to JoJo on a couch.

Then JoJo went to Florida to meet Robby, who “couldn’t be troubled” to button more than one button on his shirt according to Melissa. They took a horse-drawn carriage around the town. They saw pirates before having a long boring conversation during which I used Twitter and PayPal. Then they went to a house with a lot of white people. Robby told his brothers he hadn’t slept that week and had had a lot of panic attacks while Melissa fixated on the glasses they were drinking from. JoJo asked Robby’s mom about his ex-girlfriend, leading her to tell him the ex’s roommate had been telling people Robby broke up with the ex just to go on the show. That led to an endless repetitive conversation (the show literally showed some of the same dialogue twice) between Robby and JoJo, so I wrote up a fantasy football trade offer on gmail (Jarvis Landry for Tyrod Taylor in a 2-QB league).

Next up was Luke, still listed as “war veteran”, somewhere in Texas. They met Luke’s parents, sister, and “fifty of [his] closest friends.” They played a little cornhole before talking with the family. Then they rode horses to a couch made out of hay and talked some more. Finally they followed some lanterns to a heart made out of flowers to talk some more. Melissa noticed how quickly the sun set in Texas.

At the rose ceremony, JoJo “forgot the middle part of her dress” according to Melissa. Luke took her aside at the start of the ceremony to tell her he loved her, inspiring JoJo to curse, contemplate, and cry. The episode ended before the end of the rose ceremony. 

Standings

Julia & Paul - 32 points

Robby - 20

Ali - 3

Evan - 9
Robby could lead J&P to victory even if he doesn't win himself. Nine clutch points out of Evan, plus Robby's twenty & counting, could be enough. Jordan & Luke appear to be in better standing for the title, but Robby might be the favorite for next Bachelor. It's a short list, and it's not pretty.

Melissa & Tom - 28 points

Luke - 18

Derek - 9

Will - 1
Luke appeared to be the true frontrunner right up until JoJo said she was going to get rid of him. Now, who knows? He could be gone four minutes into Monday night.

Andrea & Zack - 28 points

James Taylor - 14
Chad - 3
Vinny - 8
+3 last team standing bonus

Could James Taylor be next Bachelor? I don't see why not. He's coarser than any Bachelor I've seen since I started watching, but he's more fun than any of the remaining dudes.

Kelly & Phil - 26 points

Jordan - 18

Christian - 3

James F - 5
Jordan is starting to smell an awfully lot like Josh, the last NFL quarterback-brother to win the show. With Luke's prospects flickering, he's edged into the lead. Would a win be enough for K&P?

Bri & Doug - 26 points

Chase - 17

Wells - 8

Nick - 1
A Chase win would be quite an upset. He figures to bust out next or in third. Bri & Doug picked about as well as they could have. We need to find some more ways for men to score points. Dropping a "right reasons" should certainly be one of them.

Andie & Eric - 17 points

Alex - 10

Grant - 7

James S - 0
I gave Eric a hard time about his picks, but he didn't have much wiggle room. There were better options than the Marine, but no one who could have carried A&E back to the promised land.

Episode Six

Synopsis

Big Eric Schwartz, Bailey, a Blaze flash-fired pizza with about twelve different vegetables on it, a decent citrus pale ale and I congregated in a rental home in Henderson, Nevada to watch the sixth episode of the 2016 season of The Bachelorette. Meanwhile, Melissa, Bri, Doug, their own Blaze (a dog, not a pizza) and Turbo (a dog, not a poker tournament) congregated in Erie, Colorado to do the same. Melissa later emailed me their observations.

Eric quickly admitted he wouldn’t mind if the “douchebag Marine” was eliminated that night, even though he was the last player on his team. JoJo and her suitors went to Buenos Aires. Bri questioned her style. "What is it with these girls wearing their coats over their shoulders and not putting their arms through?" she inquired. 

JoJo said it was gonna be a “huge week.” Chris Harrison showed up for a bit. Someone said “two-on-ones are no más, no good.” He must have missed Spanish 1a, where one of the first things you learn is “más” means “more” and "bueno" means "good". Melissa expressed pride over her ability to realize this, and gratitude to Bri & Doug for getting married in Mexico.

Wells got to go on the one-on-one date. "Come on dude, don't screw up!" Doug encouraged. JoJo and Wells went to a big room in Buenos Aires where some humans did a weird demonstration with water. Then they sort of swam. There was a lot of buildup about Wells having never kissed JoJo and looking to change that. Bri grew frustrated by it. "Just do it!" she exclaimed. "I just want them to stop talking about it!" JoJo and Wells finally did while they were doing the sort-of swimming. It was kind of a disappointment after all the buildup.

JoJo asked Wells about his ex and he started sweating. "Not attaching the coat to your body via your arms is something I cannot handle," Bri noted. Bailey switched couches for the third time. Meanwhile, Blaze barked when the other guys started talking about Wells's chances of not coming back. JoJo did in fact get rid of Wells instead of preserving him with the date rose. He didn't seem very disappointed. A dude dressed in black came to the hotel to pick up his stuff. There was a weird shot of a sad-looking JoJo in an Argentine crowd jumping up and down.

During the commercial break, Eric and I discussed Robby.'s prospects. Eric was hesitant. “Robby…he’s a swimmer, and that girlfriend thing…” he trailed off.  “A swimmer?” I responded. “He’s not a soccer player.” “They’re pretty close,” Eric said. “Are my comments on the record?” he asked. “Yeah,” I said.

Coincidentally, in Erie, Doug was expressing concerns almost concurrently over Robby's character. "This Robby dude seems like a douche too," he commented. Melissa didn't mention who the precedent douche was. Perhaps it was the Marine. Doug complained "God! That Alex guy! All the time! Has to be the first one! (to hug)." "Then short jokes commenced on how he wouldn't be able to be seen if he didn't run to the front," Melissa recorded. “Can’t wait for that #1 draft pick next season,” Eric said in Nevada.

Luke, Robby, Jordan, James Taylor and Alex went to an asphalt lot to play soccer with some Argentines. They set up a penalty kick scenario with a quick goalie. Nobody, including the two pseudo-professional athletes, scored except James Taylor, who looked like Wayne Rooney kicking a penalty kick vs Iceland that I watched in the Rio Pavilion earlier that day. 

During the night portion of the date, JoJo and Luke made out while the latter clutched the former’s thigh. James Taylor told JoJo about an "altercation" with Jordan that centered around kicker cards in ranking poker hands. Eric and I thought it was hilarious.

Jordan made some weird gestures like reaching into his jacket for nothing. James Taylor said he was entitled. “How does one act entitled when stating that the rules of a game are such?” Jordan asked. For some reason Eric got up and stood behind the couch while watching. Bailey took his spot. Luke got the date rose, which Bri, Doug and I all had predicted. Doug said he was convinced that JoJo just wants to "bone the hell out of him and then send him on his way."

Chase and Derek went on a 2-on-1 date. Bri & Doug instructed Chase to "not be weird". The Marine continued his anti-Derek campaign. “Derek is just a little weird,” he said. Eric and I talked about nervous tells the guys had, like when Jordan sipped his drink when JoJo asked about his ex or Derek rubbing the top of his head. “There’s no question that there’s a glimmer of love here,” Derek said. “Delusion,” Eric said. Eric said he thought Derek had a 55% chance. I felt about 55% for Chase so we gambled on it. “[JoJo] might be the smartest Bachelorette,” Eric commented. “Kaitlyn was pretty sharp,” I said. “Kaitlyn?” Eric asked. “The last one,” I explained.

JoJo questioned Chase about his lack of recent vulnerability. “It’s new for me to have to express those kind of things,” Chase explained. Then they made out. "Turbo bonking his head on the table was the most exciting thing that happened during this 2 on 1," Melissa said. "These dudes are so lackluster."  JoJo kept Chase and got rid of Derek, so I won the bet, but we lost a player on our team. Then a woman sang “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” while Derek wept in the hearse. I imagined Melissa exclaiming “cha-ching!” In reality, she said "I think that Derek had to pinch his inner thighs to get the tears flowing," Bri noted how "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" has only that one line sung in English, and they laughed imagining how boring Derek would be as the next Bachelor.

The Marine seemed to think it might be him going home or it might be James Taylor. The Erie folks looked up how tall the Marine was. 5'7". "Unfortunately James Taylor's confidence is equally as short," Melissa said. Bailey growled when Chris Harrison came on to say it was the final rose. “I just hope she comes in here and she picks one of us, that she does what she came here to do,” the Marine said. “I can live with that.” She didn't. Instead JoJo gave all the guys a rose at the rose ceremony.  

Standings

Andrea & Zack -  26 points

James Taylor - 12
Chad - 3
Vinny - 8
+3 last team standing bonus

James Taylor's days are numbered. However, he does have an outside shot at next Bachelor. That could be enough to hoist A to Z to another title if everything else broke right.

Julia & Paul - 25 points

Robby - 13

Ali - 3

Evan - 9
Barring a shocking revelation (which was hinted at some point during a trailer), Robby is a lock for hometowns. He has an excellent shot at either winning or becoming next Bachelor, which is worth just one point less. With a three point lead on us and five points on Kelly & Phil, the soon-to-be-marrieds might have the best shot right now.

Melissa & Tom - 22 points

Luke - 12

Derek - 9

Will - 1
Derek netted zero from his dismissal. He lost his 2-on-1 (-1 points) and cried (1 point). What do you y'all think of this scoring? Should losers of 2-on-1s be punished more than one point? Should male criers receive more than a point?

Kelly & Phil - 20 points

Jordan - 12

Christian - 3

James F - 5
Jordan, who I am now referring to as "Jordan" at Phil's request, might not be able to make up the deficit K&P face. It's going to be hard for him to outscore Luke, and he'll have to beat Robby by five. Jordan could win and K&P could still lose.

Bri & Doug - 20 points

Chase - 11

Wells - 8

Nick - 1
Wells lost a point last episode, as he went on a 1-on-1 (2 points), and failed to get a rose from it (-3 points). What do y'all think of that? Should 1-on-1 losers be punished more than a point? I feel like it happens rarely enough that they should.

Andie & Eric - 18 points

Alex - 11

Grant - 7

James S - 0
I was confused by the Marine's stay of execution. He's simply not on the same level as his rivals, and that's not a height joke. Why keep him around another episode when he's drawing dead? It smells fishy. Perhaps the producers called an audible after Wells was sent home on his 1-on-1, needing six players for the remaining episodes. Those six happen to be the first six players we drafted. Everyone still has their first round pick, and no one else. Well played. Well. Played.