Episodes 2 & 3

Synopsis

Episode Two

A gaggle of girls drove down to a mansion to hang out with Nick. That was weird because they were living at a mansion so Nick could have just come to them. They took photos in wedding dresses. Bailey had to rest his head on my laptop in order to stay on the couch. He got lucky when I dropped some Chipotle on the laptop. This was the third time we’ve had Chipotle in Vermont so it was special. We take Vitamin D pills for the lack of sunlight but they don’t make Chipotle pills. Yet. Corinne complained about how hot Brittany looked topless.

A bunch of them kissed Nick while taking fake wedding photos with him. Corinne didn’t like it. Alexis said her kiss “tastes like Danielle.” Brittany kissed him while almost naked holding an apple. Corinne didn’t like it. Corinne took her top off in the mansion’s swimming pool in front of everyone. “This is getting very special right now,” Lacey said. Corinne said Nick was “holding her bare bosoms” even though “bosoms” would mean four breasts or more.

During the night portion of the group date, Corinne made out with Nick and said things in double or triplicate like she was “falling, falling, falling” for Nick and feelings were growing “stronger and stronger and stronger” and she was “good very good.” Raven told Nick her last relationship had ended when she walked in on her then-boyfriend with another woman. Corinne butted in on three girls (the triplicate thing again) to make out with Nick and said “cheers bitches” to the group before downing some wine. Then she got the group date rose. Melissa gave a huge thumbs down. “He likes crazy,” she said bitterly. “That’s his type.”

Back at the mansion Corinne bragged about Nick holding her boobs. “He literally Janet Jacksoned you,” Lacey said. Danielle M who Melissa calls the “NICU” nurse went on a helicopter ride with Nick over Southern California to land on a yacht off Newport Beach. Melissa made her usual “Why have we not done that?” joke.

Liz told Christen she had banged Nick already and Christen said “Playasaywhat??” to the cameras. Liz tried to explain to Christen why she didn’t give her number to Nick and it made as little sense to Christen as it did to us. Melissa noted the conversation took place over the course of three different outfits.

Nick and Danielle M went on a helicopter ride. Danielle M told Nick she had been engaged until her fiancée overdosed on drugs and she found him. That was enough to lock up the date rose, obtain a kiss, and get a “she’s really pretty” from Melissa. They went on a ferris wheel and made out (Danielle M & Nick, not Danielle M & Melissa).

Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina and Liz prepared for a group date with Nick. Josephine and the dental hygienist with the mysterious accent hyperventilated. They went to the Museum of Broken Relationships in Hollywood. Nick placed the engagement ring he bought from Neill the Ring Guy in front of his dates and talked about how it made him sad, but happy because it made him better. There was a fake breakup with two actors as a guide for fake breakups they would all act out. Melissa realized the girl slapping Nick in the face (a highlight of the big teaser trailer at the end of episode one) was going to be part of an act. “That’s disappointing,” I said. “Usually is,” Melissa said. Liz cried.

Nick was natural at fake-breaking up, probably because he’s done it for real so many times. Astrid did an okay job of fake breaking up. Kristina laughed during hers. Jaimi was convincing. Christen’s was okay. Josephine did the slap. It was huge, like when Ben Howard slaps in “Sorry With Slaps” which is playing the board game “Sorry” only you can slap someone in the face if they screw up. It’s really fun actually. Liz went over the top with super-serious and intense references to her real “breakup” with Nick.

At night Jaimi told Nick she dated a girl while Melissa edited pictures of the ice castle in New Hampshire she went to that afternoon. Christen served as an intermediary between Liz and Nick. Then they cut out the middle woman and talked. “The more I talk to Liz the less she makes sense,” Nick said. “I’d be shocked if some girls don’t decide to leave,” Christen said. Then Nick got rid of Liz. “Welp,” I said. “Hopefully our fourth round pick does well,” Melissa said. Nick told the remaining girls on the date he had boned Liz before and Astrid threw her hands to her face. They ended the show without a rose ceremony; instead they had a one-year birthday party for Alexis’s fake boobs.

Episode Three

We watched the episode from the 24th floor of Loews Hotel in Philadelphia. The girls expressed shock and concern upon learning about Nick’s tryst with Liz. He spent the cocktail party explaining it one by one to the girls while rubbing their hands. Bailey put his head on Melissa’s leg to get closer to her Philly cheesesteak (vegetarian of course, because eating animals from factory farms is disgusting). Corinne put on a trenchcoat and put whipped cream in Nick’s mouth and on her chest. “I love that Corinne seems to be very comfortable with her body and very comfortable with her sexuality,” Nick said, but expressed concern over how the other girls would feel. Corinne then wept and slept through the rose ceremony with her rose cuddled on the bed next to her like Bailey cuddles with us. Nick got rid of the underwear-joker Hailey (because she forgot the top third of her dress, according to Melissa) who immediately started weeping (Hailey, not Melissa). He also eliminated Lacey AKA “Yellowdress” according to Melissa. 

Chris Harrison hyped a big group date. The Backstreet Boys came into the mansion singing and told the girls not to wear heels. Danielle L said they were her favorite band. “Was that past tense or present?” Melissa wondered. Melissa admitted she liked the one she thought was named Brian, who I pointed out was the shortest one (Melissa likes short guys. Fortunately.) They went to a warehouse and practiced dancing. Danielle L. did well. Corinne did not, so she went to the bathroom and cried.

The Backstreet Boys started with that “Backstreet’s back, all right!” song which I secretly kind of like (no longer a secret I suppose). Jasmine, who dances professionally at Golden State Warriors games, didn’t get voted the best dancer by the crowd. Danielle L. did. Her reward was a dance onstage with Nick with the ‘Boys serenading them with that “I Want It That Way” song which I secretly kind of like. Seriously those are the only two Backstreet Boys songs I like or even know. Except for that “Incomplete” song which I secretly kind of like.

Danielle L confidently made out with Nick. “She’s going to hometowns,” I stated. Corinne said she wanted to get a boob job, “but a tiny one.” Then she tried to explain her nanny to the other ladies. Jasmine got jittery and ornery and fell over. Nick unsurprisingly gave Danielle L the group date rose.

Vanessa and Nick went on a plane that was supposed to have no gravity, but actually had some. They made out while floating. Melissa and I both checked our phones. At dinner Vanessa told Nick her grandfather died. I made fun of Zack’s team to him via imessage and said it was “too bad cause Vanessa is legit.” “Yeah she’s a real person,” Zack responded.

Nick and the girls did track and field with Allyson Felix, Carl Lewis and Michelle Carter. Astrid’s boobs bounced a lot. Alexis pulled off the high jump. Astrid hit the javelin heart target. Dominique bucked stereotypes by being bad. The final event was a race to a ring. Rachel was fastest, but botched picking up the ring. Then she ran back to pick it up, stepped on it, and shattered it. Astrid picked up a shard of it so she “kind of won” according to Nick. 

Dominique cried, got consoled by Rachel, saw Rachel making out with Nick, and started crying again. Melissa noticed Alexis’s fake boobs were too far apart. We remembered our nickname for her is “Dolphark” because of her shark/dolphin costume from the first night. Nick got rid of Dominique and she cried for a third time. Nobody got points for her crying or negative points for her getting booted before the rose ceremony because nobody picked her to be on their team. Seems to be the story of her life. Rachel got the date rose. Melissa and I high-fived.

They did a pool party instead of a cocktail party. “Her bathing suit is not even covering her pubes,” Melissa said in reference to Jasmine. Corinne and Nick jumped inside of a bouncy castle and made out, angering some girls. Afterwards Corinne fell asleep in the castle and snored. Raven told Nick that Corinne had a nanny. “She does not know how to clean a spoon,” Raven said gravely. Jasmine, Taylor and Vanessa also told Nick they thought Corinne was bad.

Standings

Kelly & Phil - 14

Corinne - 6

Christen - 3

Hailey - 2

Astrid - 3
Corinne is going to accumulate points like Ashton Eaton in a decathlon until she expires. That expiration is inevitable, however, and I think it will come sooner rather than later. Then this team is finished. Still, I like the high-upside Corinne pick where they got her.

Andie & Eric - 12

Danielle M - 3

Alexis - 3

Brittany - 3

Astrid - 3

This team is going to be tough. Danielle M is a contender, Nick will probably keep Dolphark around a while for the laughs, and Brittany and Astrid won't be anchors. It looks to be a boom year in Eric's boom/bust pattern.

Bri & Doug - 12

Danielle L - 4

Sarah - 3

Kristina - 2

Astrid - 3

The mirror image of A&E's team, right down to using the first five letters of the alphabet in their abbreviated team name. B&D have a contending Danielle at the top, a decent second banana, a non-anchor, and Astrid. This season could come down to a Battle of Danielles. 

Julia & Paul - 10
Raven - 2
Jasmine - 3
Whitney - 2
Jaimi - 3
Raven seems to have the best chance at being this year's Whitney - an under-the-radar charmer who suddenly comes on after a gamechanging one-on-one date. Considering Raven has only been on one group date, that could happen as soon as the next episode. The rest of this team is also-rans, but at least they made it this far.

Melissa & Tom - 7

Rachel - 3

Taylor - 3

Liz - -1

Josephine - 2

It will be interesting to see if Liz murders this team. I thought she was a great value near the bottom of the third round, obviously not anticipating she could be going home the next episode with a negative on her back. Josephine's singing aside, this is a solid team that could be in the mix if Rachel goes all the way. She's already garnered two "preliminary" roses.

Andrea & Zack - 6

Vanessa - 4

Lacey - 1

Elizabeth - 1

Ouch. It was all over for A&E ten minutes into the second episode after the draft. Double-digit picks are easy to miss on, but Team Zero Waste has to be regretting not picking up a bonus 4th round pick. It's too bad, because Vanessa might be this season's strongest player.