Episode Three

Synopsis

Melissa, Bailey and I arrived in Vegas just in time to grab some Zupas and figure out the TV at our WSOP rental house before the third episode of The Bachelorette began. We didn't even unpack the Prius. DeMario tried to get back on the show. Rachel wouldn’t let him.

At the cocktail party, The Tickle Monster broke out a pair of gigantic cushion-hands. Alex broke out a Rubik's cube. Kenny broke out pictures of his daughter. Will broke out a mini basketball & hoop. Blake complained some more about Whaaabooom. Whaaabooom speculated that it was because Blake actually had a crush on him, claiming Blake stood over him eating a banana while he was sleeping. Blake told Rachel that was impossible because he didn’t eat carbs. They jammed a second set of commercials in at the 16-minute mark.

At the rose ceremony, Blake said it would be “a classic case of bad defeating good” if Whaaabooom got a rose over him. Our housemate Matt (not SamENole who is a different Matt) asked me about the hand that decimated his stack in the Colossus. We had a 10-minute discussion about the hand while Melissa Instagrammed. “If Lucas gets a rose, another little piece of me dies,” Blake said. “I am very confident I am going to get a rose, because I deserve it." Rachel got rid of both Blake and Whaaabooom along with someone named Jamey. “He lives in my town. I can’t get rid of him,” Blake said. “You live in L.A.,” I said.

Blake came up to Whaaabooom and put his arm around him. “I just wanna say, f*** you bro, you’re a piece of s***, you’re here for the wrong reasons, I got drug into your bulls***, I see right through you, I know why you’re here, and it kills me,“ Blake said. Whaaabooom made fun of him. Blake continued his tirade with some fake whaaaboooms. The argument degenerated into them shhhing each other. “Graceful exit for both of these guys,” Matt said.

Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, Fred and Rachel went to see Ellen Degeneres, which enthused Melissa. For the first time I realized Ellen’s last name started with “Degen”. Ellen tickled the Tickle Monster. Rachel and the guys went on the show. The Tickle Monster was surprised to learn someone had kissed Rachel already. “Maybe it was a kiss on the cheek,” he wondered hopefully. “It wasn’t,” Melissa said.

I looked up and the guys had their shirts off and were dancing in the crowd getting dollar bills stuffed in their pants by the audience. Alex twerked. “I think that guy’s done that before,” Matt speculated. “I think he lied about his profession.” They played Never Have I Ever. Alex admitted he’d peed in the pool at the mansion. Three guys said they’d texted a nude photo, including Alex. “It was classy,” he said. “Yeah. Like his dancing,” Matt said. Fred said he’d dated someone twice his age, which didn’t surprise Rachel.

They went to a loft to drink. Alex, who Matt was now referring to as “The Pool-Pee-er”, told Rachel some stuff about eye movement that would be useful for poker players before making out with her. Fred asked Rachel if he could kiss her, which made her feel awkward. Then he made out with her, but we all agreed it was what Matt called a “dismissive kiss.” Moments later Rachel got rid of Fred. We had a discussion about whether he cried. “His eyes were sparkling!” Matt said. “Squeeze it out!” Melissa exclaimed. Alex got the date rose. We didn't give Fred a point for crying.

While fast-forwarding through the 6^th commercial break, Matt said he didn’t like the women in L.A. because they were too skinny, and many didn’t look right because of their “augmentation.” Melissa told a yoga story about a woman whose fake boobs looked weird when she laid down. Anthony and Rachel rode horses down Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills where Melissa and I went a couple months ago. We also just watched the movie Beverly Hills Cop which mostly takes place there. They rode the horses into a store and shopped for boots. Matt was convinced at least one of the horses pooped in the store, but they didn’t show it. But they did show the horse’s poop in the next store where they went. They blurred the horse poop for some reason. “Some poor intern had to clean that up,” Melissa said. “Who’s the lowest man on the totem pole?"

Anthony and Rachel danced in front of a jazz quartet. Bailey gave me the “please can I get on the couch?” look for a third time. I didn’t know if he could so he had to stay on the floor. Eric had a bit of a meltdown. Rachel came into the house with some girls from the last season, including a sober-looking Raven. They got on a bus with a pole in it. Several of the guys danced with the pole. Raven asked Bryce and Lee who was there for the wrong reasons and they both immediately threw Eric under the bus (not the bus with the pole in it, the figurative bus).

They went mud wrestling. Kenny the professional wrestler talked a lot of trash, then lost to Bryce. Kenny told Rachel he used to be a Chippendales dancer in Vegas, then ripped his shirt off and danced for her. Rachel told Eric that Bryce and Lee threw him under the bus. Eric confronted them about it. Then he got the date rose.

At the cocktail party, Rachel appeared to drink beer out of a cocktail glass, impressing me and Melissa. Iggy had a conversation with Rachel about Eric, followed by a conversation with Eric recounting his conversation with Rachel. Eric then had a conversation with Rachel recounting his conversation with Iggy. Then Eric had a conversation with all of the guys about Eric.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 11

1. Bryan - 2

2. Alex - 5

3. Adam - 3

4. Blake - 1

Alex is the key guy here. If he can outscore the other second-round picks (all drafted before him), this team will go places. Bryan remains the frontrunner.

Melissa & Tom - 11

1. Peter - 4

2. Josiah - 3

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

We snagged the bonus simply by spotting an accidental spoiler on DeMario and avoiding Blake. Bryce defeated a professional wrestler at wrestling and still didn't win the date rose, so he'll be out soon.

Julia & Paul - 11

1. Dean - 4

2. Anthony - 4

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1

Anthony's date with Rachel was blah and used up most of the clips of him shown in the trailer, so he's looking like an 8th place sort of fellow. Brady's Zoolander impression at the end of the show was too "accurate" for him to last much longer. It will be a surprise if he's still around half an hour into next week's show. It's all about Dean for the 2x defending champs - but Dean is going to score a lot of points.

Kelly & Phil - 9

1. Jack - 3

2. Matt - 2

3. Lee - 3

4. Blake - 1

Jack Stone has been a major disappointment thus far. Will he step it up? Matt the Penguin was invisible this episode - I had to check to see if we missed him busting out of the Rose Ceremony near the beginning of the show. Lee's descent into darkness has begun. He may do some damage on his way out though.

Andrea & Zack - 7

1. Eric - 5

2. Will - 3

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2

This is a bad team, but it is better than A to Z's pitiful Survivor squad. Eric is standing on shaky ground. Will is likable but hasn't gotten enough screen time to be taken seriously.

Bri & Doug - 5

1. Kenny - 3

2. Iggy - 2

3. Diggy - 2

4. DeMario - -2

Nothing to see here. DeMario was a bad beat that we could do something about, but his dismissal won't matter. Neither team that chose him has a chance.

Episode One, The Draft & Episode Two

Synopsis

Episode One

They took a lot of photos of Rachel in a red dress with red roses in front of a white backdrop that I’ll be using in this blog over the next couple months. Rachel showed off her basketball skills in Dallas before going to L.A. with an injured dog. There were vignettes for a professional wrestler with a cute daughter, a Dallas lawyer with a dog named Jack Stone (the lawyer, not the dog), a meathead coder from Michigan, a young startup guy, a silly “whaboom” who looked like Josh Ritter, a meathead who kept talking about sex, a handsome guy named Diggy and a prosecutor from Florida whose brother hung himself.

Rachel drove a Tesla (which excited Melissa and me) to hang out with a bunch of her competitors from the last season, including a stoned-looking Raven. Melissa liked the dress Rachel wore to the wet driveway. My notes on the contestants as they came out:

Peter – Wisconsin business owner

Josiah – FL prosecutor brother hung himself

Bryan – Colombian chiropractor

Kenny – Professional wrestler

Rob – Law student not handsome

Iggy – Consulting CEO not handsome

Bryce – Firefighter

Will – Good slipping joke

Diggy – handsome & good

Kyle – marketing bun & cheese joke

Blake K – Marine not handsome

Brady – model icebreaker joke

Dean – want to go black never go back. too young

Eric – personal trainer dance

DeMario – elope tickets guy

Blake E – “never date a snare player” – Melissa (meathead sex guy)

Fred – Dallas went to same middle school “very bad kid”

Jonathan – “very large nose” – Melissa (Tickle Monster)

Lee – obligatory singer/songwriter from Nashville

Alex – vacuum prop

Milton – polaroid prop

Adam – Dallas real estate ventriloquist prop

Matt – penguin

Grant? – emergency physician

Anthony – education software Chicago

Jamey – Santa Monica sales exec

Jack – Stone

Mohit – young startup guy

Jedidiah – ER physician

Michael – former pro basketball player

Lucas – whaboom

Someone said it was a diverse group, but most of the guys were from Los Angeles. Josiah grabbed Rachel first. The Colombian Chiropractor made a good impression and aggressively made out with her. Bailey did a whaboom. DeMario talked a lot and talked himself up a lot. Mohit struggled to find time to talk with Rachel and struggled with alcohol. The whaboom guy made a lot of noise and juggled, enraging the aspiring drummer. “I think everyone has a little whaboom in them,” the whaboom guy said. “I have no whaboom in me,” the aspiring drummer said. “I will reavaluate life itself [if whaboom guy gets a rose],” someone said. The Colombian Chiropractor got the First Impression Rose and aggressively made out with Rachel again.

At the dawn Rose Ceremony, Rachel filtered out one of the guys who wasn’t handsome, the marine, the pink tie, a few they didn’t even show closely enough to tell who they were (one turned out to be Mohit), and Milton, who cried because he’d bought so many expensive outfits to wear on the show only to be beaten by whaboom and a guy in a penguin costume.

The Draft

1. A&E - Bryan
2. B&D - Kenny
3. K&P - Jack
4. A&Z - Eric
5. M&T - Peter
6. J&P - Dean
7. J&P - Anthony
8. M&T - Josiah
9. A&Z - Will
10. K&P - Matt
11. B&D - Iggy
12. A&E - Alex
13. A&E - Adam
14. B&D - Diggy
15. K&P - Lee
16. A&Z - Jamey
17. M&T - Fred
18. J&P - Brady

Dreg Picks

A&E: Blake
B&D: DeMario

K&P: Blake

A&Z: DeMario

M&T: Bryce
J&P: Blake

Superdregs (unpicked)
Jonathan

Lucas

Episode Two

Melissa learned how hard it is to set up a proper list of the teams on a dry-erase board (it really is) as the dudes told Chris Harrison how good Rachel smelled. Some guys went on a group date in a grassy park. A shot of Rachel grilling dead animal flesh inspired Melissa to ask if it would elicit a dead animal comment from me in the blog. The guys played touch football. Whaaaboooom blew an easy catch, leading to a pick-six. “Lucas is garbage,” Blake said. “The one person who could ruin this for him is me. And I’m going to.”

 

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis came by to explain an obstacle course that was supposed to mimic house chores with an infant represented by a doll. Ashton said he didn’t think Rachel’s husband was in the group, then said he “knew on day one” Mila would be his wife – conveniently forgetting he was married to Demi Moore for six years in between meeting Mila and dating and marrying her. Whaaaboooom dunked his baby in the water repeatedly before stiff-arming Kenny, winning the race, spiking his baby into the ground and whaaabooooming. “I don’t even know what that was,” Ashton said.

They went to a warehouse/bar/restaurant/vintage sign gallery/arcade/lodge. Whaaaboooom read Rachel a poem. “I am having a very hard time seeing you past the kid who used to be in summer camp,” Rachel told Fred. “You always remember the bad ones. You were bad.” A guy we couldn’t identify weakly complimented Rachel and I decided to call him “Poor Man’s Bryan” from then on. Melissa observed how heavily Iggy was sweating. Blake dropped the first “right reasons” of the season in regards to Whaaaboooom and told Rachel he was roommates with Whaaaboooom’s ex. It was unclear if that was a lie. “I’m already sick of the drama,” Melissa sighed. Bailey began doing his gyration-snoring thing. “If y’all want to get on a merry-go-round, take your asses to Santa Monica and get on the merry-go-round,” Kenny said. Melissa and I are planning to take our asses to Santa Monica on Friday and get on the roller coaster. Dean got the date rose and made out with Rachel, spurring the 2x defending champs to an early lead.

Peter drove with Rachel in a Tesla to an airport where they met Rachel’s dog Copper, who arrived in a limousine. They flew in a small plane to Palm Springs, erasing the good environmental karma they’d gained by driving the Tesla. They went to “Barkfest”, a pool party with dogs. The date appeared to go well, which was good news for Melissa and me. “Right now, Peter is blowing my mind,” Rachel said before barking. Bailey didn’t wake. Peter told Rachel he’d gone to a relationship therapist and Rachel said she’d done the same. It was unclear if Dr. Kelly Sonnenfeld was one of the therapists. Peter got the date rose and made out with Rachel. “It does look like he’s a good kisser,” Melissa said. “Damn.”

A bunch of dudes went to play basketball with Rachel and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. DeMario was excited to play and Josiah was excited about Rachel’s appearance. “She had on some legging-tights that fit her body like a Coca-Cola bottle,” he raved. Josiah, Lee, and someone with a blue shirt and mini-ponytail were bad. DeMario dunked on Rachel. They played a game in front of lot of people including a marching band. Melissa spotted a sousaphone and did a fistpump. #4 made a slick behind-the-back assist which I rewound and watched twice to try to figure out who it was (and also cause it was a sweet play). DeMario was good, but his team (which also had the unidentified behind-the-back passer) lost.

A woman named Lexie showed up and said she’d been dating DeMario right up until he’d gone on the show without even breaking up with her. There was a breakneck three-way conversation filled with accusations and arguing wherein DeMario said “correct” half a dozen times. It culminated in Lexie breaking out a cell phone to show Rachel incriminating text messages. “You’re literally a piece of trash,” Lexie said to DeMario. “I’m really gonna need you to get the f___ out,” Rachel said. DeMario got the f___ out.

Josiah capitalized on DeMario’s downfall by acting hurt and protective, resulting in a makeout with Rachel. Alex sung her an “old Russian folk song about dark eyes” and got her to laugh loudly. Eric won Melissa’s approval by asking Rachel about her love languages before making out with her (Rachel, not Melissa). Josiah got the date rose, perhaps because he used the phrase “alterior motives” in place of “right reasons.” DeMario interrupted the cocktail party to try to talk to Rachel. “I’m gonna whoop DeMario’s ass,” Kenny stated.

Standings

Melissa & Tom - 7

1. Peter - 3

2. Josiah - 3

3. Fred - 1

4. Bryce - 0

It was a pleasing first episode for us after I declared "I hate our team already" two picks in. Peter looks to be in line for a deep run after an excellent first date while Josiah was able to snag a quick group date rose. But here's the thing - we would have DeMario on our team if I hadn't seen that spoiler mentioned in the draft thread, and it probably would have been with our third round draft pick. I don't know what to do here. If DeMario winds up at -2, which he likely will, it's unfair to Bri & Doug and Andrea & Zack having not seen the spoiler. Did anyone else see it? I can't believe y'all would have picked Blake over DeMario if you didn't know something was up. What should we do? 

Julia & Paul - 4

1. Dean - 3

2. Anthony - 0

3. Brady - 0

4. Blake - 1

Dean planted himself firmly in the First Tier, despite his youth. He got a lot of facetime in the big preview trailer and will be going deep. Anthony's early donut is nothing to worry about, as that likely means he'll get a one-on-one as early as next week. I'm not sure who Brady is and Blake is a douche.

Kelly & Phil - 4

1. Jack - 1

2. Matt - 1

3. Lee - 1

4. Blake - 1

Discouraging episode for Jack Stone, who failed to distinguish himself from the pack of white dudes with the same hair & facial hair. It appears Lee is going to start rankling feathers next week, while Blake is a douche.

Andie & Eric - 3

1. Bryan - 0

2. Alex - 1

3. Adam - 1

4. Blake - 1

Bryan will be going on a one-on-one next week and remains The Frontrunner. Alex & Adam are part of that indistinguishable group of dudes with the same hair & facial hair. Blake is a douche.

Andrea & Zack - 1

1. Eric - 1

2. Will - 1

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2

Eric seems likable, but hasn't yet joined the First Tier. Is there any chance DeMario finagles his way back on in the next episode? I doubt it. This looks like the typical Bachelor "cliffhanger" inconsequentially resolved in the first five minutes of the next episode.

Bri & Doug - 1

1. Kenny - 1

2. Iggy - 1

3. Diggy - 1

4. DeMario - -2

I want to make fun of this team because I thought Kenny was an awful pick at #2 overall. But he seems like a good fellow, as do Iggy & Diggy. The DeMario debacle was unfair. We've got to find a solution other than these teams just losing two points.

Fantasy Suites, The Women Tell All, Finale, & After The Final Rose

Synopsis

Fantasy Suites

They went to some viewing parties. One of them had a woman in a shark costume. Andi came by. “What the f**k is she doing here now?” Nick wondered. It appeared she was there to find out if Nick was going to have sex with anyone in fantasy suites. He didn’t speculate. At the rose ceremony Nick dumped Corinne, who cried instantaneously and voraciously. 

They went to Finland. “This is the most northern place I have ever been,” Nick said before walking around in a warm jacket in the snow. I complained to Melissa about Kevin Durant’s injury, which cost us five figures on DraftKings. Melissa didn’t seem to mind. Nick called Raven “the perfect combination of salty and sweet,” which is false because that’s actually Talenti Sea Salt & Caramel gelato which Andrea introduced us to. Then they drank a brown liquor which may have been Jagermeister, then a mysterious blue liquid. Raven agreed to fold clothes if Nick cooked. Then she expressed some trepidation over the upcoming night in the fantasy suite, revealing she’d had sex with only one person and had never had an orgasm.

Raven drank a lot of wine at dinner and told Nick she loved him. “From Nick’s reaction, I feel like he does love me,” she said. “They always think that,” I said. She also told him she’d never had an orgasm before. Nick closed the show by chopping wood and holding it over his head.

"I will say this – Nick is pretty good at what he does,” Raven divulged the morning after. “So I’m pretty satisfied today.” Meanwhile, her ex fashioned a noose in an Arkansas basement. Raven did parkour and snow angels.

Rachel likened Finland to Narnia and said she had “no idea what cross-country skiing is” before doing it. She fell down repeatedly. “That was me, in Vermont, like a thousand times,” Melissa said. They hung out with some reindeer and sipped a warm beverage out of wooden cups. “My deodorant smells really good,” Melissa announced. “Want to smell it?” I did. I didn’t smell anything in particular, so I said it was doing good. The reindeer took them on a sleigh ride while they made out.

For some reason Rachel wore what Melissa called “a belly shirt” exposing her abdomen to the Finnish elements. Rachel told Nick she was falling in love with him while I looked at what went wrong on FanDuel. “That was big!” Melissa exclaimed. “Write that down.” Nick and Rachel spent the night in the fantasy suite. In the morning Nick made eggs and Rachel wore penguin pajamas.

Vanessa was up next. “I love it here!” she exclaimed. “Says the Canadian,” Melissa added. “Our physical relationship has always been hot and steamy,” Nick said. So he decided to repeatedly jump into freezing cold water in swimsuits with her “to cool things down.” “He has a really good body,” Melissa noted. I agreed. “He works really hard on it,” I said. “But he’s always drinking. I don’t get it.” “He never eats,” Melissa said. “Except for that bite of Rachel’s egg he just had.” That wasn’t innuendo. He really did eat Rachel’s egg.

Nick and Vanessa had a conversation in a Finnish yurt which culminated in her telling Nick she was in love with him and me entering a dummy DraftKings lineup for the next day. They spent the night naked in the yurt. “My relationship with Nick is probably the best relationship I’ve ever had,” Vanessa said. “What exactly has she been doing with her life?” I wondered. “Maybe Canadian men aren’t good,” Melissa said. “My experience with them has not been good. 100% of the Canadian men I’ve dated have not been good.” Vanessa cried and Melissa said she didn’t like her dress because of “the boob part.” Nick got rid of Rachel at the rose ceremony. She cried a lot and her mascara smeared.

The Women Tell All

Some girls complained about each other. They gave Liz credit for building wells in Africa. Melissa and I didn't pay much attention. I forgot if this "episode" happened in between fantasy suites or after cause I didn't write it down.

Finale

Chris Harrison hyped the finale, dropping “historic”, “extraordinary” and “something that has never happened before in Bachelor history.” They went to Rovaniemi near the Arctic Circle. Nick said Santa Claus lived there. I thought he lived on the North Pole. Nick's family gathered in a house. Nick’s sister Bella and Nick’s mom, popular recurring characters on the show, were at the house. Nick’s dad Chris was there as well. Raven showed up. Bella asked Raven if she loved Nick and she said yes. “So far I really like you,” Bella said. “I feel really great about my and Nick’s relationship,” Raven told the parents.

Raven and Nick’s mom and then Nick and Nick’s mom had long boring conversations while I antisweated DFS. Antisweating is where you want players to do bad because you will lose money if they do good. Vanessa came over. She talked to Nick’s mom. Nick’s dad told Nick “You haven’t a lot of success” with women. Then he cried while talking to Vanessa, causing her to cry. “Vanessa really convinced me that she loved him,” Nick’s dad said.

Nick talked with his parents. His mom quickly started crying. The Clippers pushed their lead over the Knicks to 14, raising the possibility of a blowout and the starters only playing three quarters which would be excellent. Nick and Vanessa went for a walk in the snow. “Here we are. Got some Nordic traditions,” Nick said. They rode some horses up a hill. “It’s a dream,” Nick said. “It’s literally wow.” They went and hung out with Santa Claus in a wooden cabin. Then they sat around a fire outside and had a boring conversation as the Knicks got within 10 at halftime.

"There’s just something that’s not sitting right,” Vanessa said before crying. “Do you think you’re ready to propose?” Vanessa asked. “I think the week’s not over,” Nick said. “See I don’t like that answer,” Vanessa said. “I know you don’t like that answer,” Nick said. “I don’t want you to give me an answer just because it’s the answer I want to hear,” Vanessa said. Nick said some things to calm her down which sort of worked but it was hard to tell because she kept crying but also kissed him.

Nick and Raven went ice skating while a Sixpence None The Richer song played. “They have such great chemistry!” Melissa exclaimed. “I think it just looks that way when they’re moving around and nice music is playing,” I said. They made out while lying down on the ice. Then they sipped tea out of wooden cups while talking next to a fire. Nick went and got some puppies. Then they went to a place called Ounasvaara Chalets. Like he did with Vanessa, Nick told Raven he liked her a lot but also liked the other one. A Derrick Rose team threatened our top standing in the 42,000 player Layup on FanDuel but the Clippers pushed the lead to 23, but then I realized that was because Chris Paul was crushing and now a team with him was behind us by just 3 fantasy points.

Nick toked a fire while contemplating which woman to choose. He sipped something out of a teacup and stared deep into the fire. Neil the Ring Guy came to see him. “Finally doing it, huh?” Neil asked. “We’ll see,” Nick said. “I just hope this one works,” Neil said. Vanessa cried yet again while looking out a window. She put on high heels and a fur coat or “half of a jacket,” as Melissa called it. Raven said she had been looking for a man like Nick for her “entire adult life” which Melissa noted was six years at most. We dropped out of the lead in the 42,000 player Layup but maintained the lead in the 7,000 player Slam at the end of the 3rd quarter with the Clippers up 25, meaning the starters could potentially sit the rest of the way.

Raven came to a cabin where Nick was waiting and told him she loved him. He laughed. Then he told her he didn’t think he was in love with her and wept. Bailey twitched as he dreamed. Raven cried, hugged Nick, and walked outside into the freezing Finnish air with her arms fully exposed to a howling wind. She escaped the elements in the black hearse.

The show brought one final sweat as Nick announced he was going to ask Vanessa to marry him, raising the possibility that she could reject him and A to Z could win the pool thanks to a rule we put in for the purpose of making these moments sweaty. Speaking of sweaty the Knicks backups cut the lead to 18 early in the 4^th quarter. Vanessa came to the cabin. “So much of me being here has to do with my past, but when I look at you all I see is my future,” Nick said. Melissa thought it was a really good line. Nick proposed to Vanessa and she said yes. 

After The Final Rose

“Fourth time’s a charm,” Chris Harrison said to Nick. “It’s been a long journey,” Nick admitted. Raven came out to talk to Nick. Chris Harrison described Raven as “stoic” for a second time. Raven also described herself as stoic. Nick then noted Raven was stoic. The Knicks cut it to 8 with a minute and a half left but Doc Rivers kept the Clippers starters on the bench. Bless him. We won the Slam on FanDuel and had our biggest winning night of the season. Vanessa came on and referred to things as “challenging” several times. She said she didn’t watch the Fantasy Suites episode. They did the usual schpiel about being excited to start a normal relationship. “Are you guys gonna get married?” Chris Harrison asked. “We’re taking baby steps,” Vanessa said. “We’re still in the process of getting to know each other.”

Rachel came on. “You look like a woman ready to find love,” Chris Harrison said. Harrison revealed “an epic surprise” of some guys that would be on the next Bachelorette with her. The first guy DeMario said they could elope to Vegas right then. The next guy Blake told her she looked good and smelled good. Harrison pointlessly interrupted for a bit before the third guy Dean came in. “I’m ready to go black, and I’m never gonna go back,” he said. The fourth guy danced with her while saying “eyyy.” Harrison interrupted again and said that was it for the night.

Final Standings

Julia & Paul - 60
Raven - 31
Jasmine - 9
Whitney - 9
Jaimi - 8
+3 last team standing bonus
Owned.

Melissa & Tom - 37

Rachel - 27

Taylor - 5

Liz - -1

Josephine - 6

I'm looking forward to Rachel's season. I said the same of Andi & Kaitlyn's seasons only to be disappointed. But Rachel should be good, right? I keep thinking about bailing out on the show and they keep reeling me back in with my favorite contestants. Whereas with Survivor I never think about bailing out on the show and they keep upping the ante with my favorite contestants. How good is Survivor?

Andrea & Zack - 36

Vanessa - 34

Lacey - 1

Elizabeth - 1

Vanessa won. A to Z did not. Was it because they didn't make a fourth round pick? No. It was because Julia & Paul found four contestants with staying power including the eventual runner-up and obliterated everyone in their tracks. However, A to Z would have gotten second place if they had taken chalky Astrid as a fourth round pick (or Jaimi or Josephine).

Kelly & Phil - 32

Corinne - 21

Christen - 4

Hailey - 2

Astrid - 5

Bri & Doug - 31

Danielle L - 10

Sarah - 6

Kristina - 10

Astrid - 5

Andie & Eric - 28

Danielle M - 11

Alexis - 8

Brittany - 4

Astrid - 5
Fortunately for Eric Schwartz, Cate Hall beat Mike Dentale heads up, so the week wasn't a total disaster.

Episode Six, Episode Seven & Hometowns

Synopsis

Episode Six

The first night after Melissa returned from the Philippines we watched The Bachelor on my sister’s old bed at my parents’ house. We watched Taylor and Corinne have a boring conversation for a couple minutes before realizing we’d already seen that boring conversation at Bri & Doug’s house and Melissa had booted up the wrong episode. She booted up the correct one wherein Taylor told Nick that Corinne was a disrespectful liar. It didn’t work. It reminded me of people trying to change the minds of Trump supporters. “I want you to open your eyeballs,” Taylor said, "and let your aqueous humor spill out,” Nurse Melissa finished. “What I learned tonight is that cats have nine lives, and bitches have two,” Corinne said.

Melissa paused the episode to tell me about a bathroom in the Philippines that had a giant toad living next to the toilet. They skipped the cocktail party and went straight to an outdoor rose ceremony. Nick got rid of Josephine AKA “John Elway”, Alexis AKA “Funny Girl” AKA “Dolphark”, and Jaimi AKA “Iridiscent Purple Lipstick." “I never cry,” Alexis lied while crying. Jaimi also cried.

They went to St. Thomas. The school down the road from my college was called St. Thomas. This was a different St. Thomas. It had beaches and planes. Kristina and Nick flew on one of the planes. Jasmine started crying. Kristina told Nick she was from a huge family. Corinne expressed gratitude and happiness for the maid at the hotel. Kristina told Nick she ate lipstick as a kid, then started living in an orphanage, and then her mom died and then she moved to the U.S. She and Nick both cried.

Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M and Jasmine went on a catamaran which passed by a pirate ship. They went to a beach and played cornhole. Rachel sunk it on her first shot. They took shots of something. They played beach volleyball. Corinne didn’t like it. Rachel made some good serves. Then Rachel got upset. Vanessa cried. Danielle M. cried. Jasmine cried as well. “What was in the alcohol they had?” Melissa asked. “Today was pretty much a disaster. It almost feels like a wasted day,” Nick lamented.

Rachel expressed concern over the process of the show. Nick vaguely reassured her. “I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I think something great can happen,” Nick said. Jasmine talked a lot to the girls and to the cameras. “Jazz seems to have taken a turn to the emotional side,” Raven understated. Jasmine questioned Nick about his lack of expressed interest in her. Nick deflected the questions until Jasmine started crying. She went on a downward spiral that finally hit bottom in a weird spat of choking and cursing. “It might be time to say goodbye,” Nick said and walked her out to the hearse SUV. She cried again in the hearse. “Today did not go as I had hoped,” Nick said. “And tonight was not much better.”

Rachel, Raven and Kristina slept together in a bed. “Is Bachelor so cheap that they have to go three to a bed?” Melissa wondered. Danielle L and Whitney went on a 2-on-1 date. They flew in a helicopter to an elegant bed set up on the beach. There was no one sleeping in it, so apparently production values had increased. Whitney attempted a conversation with Nick. “Do you think her chances would be better if she did pilates on the beach?” Melissa asked. “Yes,” I said. Danielle L then attempted a conversation with Nick. Melissa said Whitney was “sneaky-pretty.” I said Danielle L was the prettiest one. Nick got rid of Whitney. He said something and hugged her but I don’t know what he said because Melissa was saying he said “please get off my island.” In reality they left her on the island. They flew off in a helicopter, leaving her to weep on the beach. “Should have done pilates,” Melissa said.

Nick took Danielle L down into a cellar. They found a quote on a wall that said “Love is Maybe Forever.” They went outside and had dinner while Melissa checked Instagram. I listened to their boring conversation for a minute before checking DFS. It wasn’t going well. By the time I got back to the conversation things had deteriorated to where Nick was frowning a lot. “I am falling in love with you,” Danielle L said. Nick’s frown deepened. He grabbed her hand. Then he got rid of her. “They’re dropping like flies this episode,” Melissa said. Danielle L wept in the hearse.

Nick came into the girls’ hotel room and started crying. He tried to explain that he was worried all his relationships with all the girls would deteriorate. “I don’t know if I can keep doing this,” he said and walked out of the room. Raven cried a bit. Corinne cried. Rachel cried as well.

Episode Seven

Nick and Chris Harrison had a conversation on a beach. Harrison wore jeans and no shoes. Nick expressed fear over finding a partner. Vanessa expressed fear as well, and shed tears. Nick finished his conversation with Harrison and went back to the girls’ hotel room again. After a dramatic pause for commercial, he told the girls he wanted to eventually get with one of them. He cancelled the cocktail party and rose ceremony to go to a place called Bimini. Raven said it was the most beautiful place she’d ever been, which made me feel sorry for her.

“I’ve never been on a boat before,” Vanessa announced before getting on a big white boat with Nick. They went snorkeling at the ruins of an old ship. At night they had dinner at a place called Big John’s. Vanessa told Nick she was falling in love with him. They made out, but Nick didn’t say he loved her.

Corinne called herself “the queen of group dates’ before going on one with Nick, Kristina and Raven. Corinne stripped down to her bathing suit. Kristina and Raven decided to fight fire with fire. Nick announced they’d be swimming with sharks. “You can die,” Kristina worried. Raven optimistically thought she’d get the date rose if sharks ate Corinne and Kristina. They snorkeled and saw a shark. Kristina got scared and went back in the boat. The others soon followed and they drank champagne. 

At night they sat on outdoor couches at a resort and talked. Corinne ate cheese. “We have the same coping mechanism,” Melissa observed. Raven started to tell Nick a sad story about her dad having lung cancer before the Hulu feed went out. Melissa fixed it and Raven finished the story. It wasn’t sad after all, but it was enough to get the date rose. “I’m go-in to Hawk-see…with Nick,” Raven said slowly. Melissa made fun of how slowly she spoke. Then they listened to Adam Friedman play music, which was weird because we know Adam Friedman and he has red hair and doesn’t play music. 

Corinne talked about herself in the third person, which annoyed Melissa. Fortunately I stopped doing that before I met her. The remaining Danielle went bicycling, shopping and eating with Nick. They also played basketball with some kids. Then they drank something out of what Melissa called “master koozies” while struggling to maintain a conversation. “You’re fun to have fun with,” Nick said. Hulu went down again so we stopped watching for the evening.
 
Danielle told Nick she really liked him. Nick thought about it and dumped her. They both cried. Corinne went to Nick’s hotel room and drank with him. “I know how to make a man feel good,” Corinne said. “My heart is gold, but my vagine is platinum.” She took him behind a closed door and tried to seduce him. It didn’t work.

Nick and Rachel got giant koozies at a small bar. Melissa wondered if the giant koozies were so they didn’t have to worry about product placement. They further hyped Nick’s impending visit with Rachel’s intimidating father Sam. “I’ve never brought home a white guy,” Rachel said. “They will be skeptical and they will ask questions.” They talked to the bar owner for a bit, then made out on the edge of a pier.

I talked over a sterile Chris Harrison interview with Nick. Melissa rewinded it to hear what they were saying. “I know what you’re about to do,” Harrison said. “It’s a necessary evil. It has to happen.” Nick got rid of Kristina. They both cried. “Let’s be honest,” I said. “Nick was never going with a dental hygienist from Kentucky. Shouldn’t have bothered.” Melissa was happy about it because it meant Corinne’s maid Racquel would likely be on the show. 

Hometowns

We chose to spend our second night in Hermosa Beach watching The Bachelor. I was overjoyed to finally be back to watching on DVR, cutting the show down around a reasonable one hour chunk of time. Nick gave the four remaining girls roses at their hotel room. They started hometowns with Raven. “Ehhh, Hoxie first,” Melissa groaned. “Get it out of the way.” Raven took Nick to a grain bin. A cop pretended to bust them before revealing he was Raven’s brother. Nick and Raven then drove some four-wheelers through the mud before Nick took his shirt off and bent Raven down in the swamp.

Next they went to a ranch house to meet Raven’s parents and brother. They told Raven her dad was now cancer-free and she cried. The dad talked with Raven on the back porch. “Are we dealing with chemo or male pattern baldness?” I wondered in regards to the dad. “A little of both,” Melissa thought. Then the mom talked to Raven on a bed. “I thought he was going to be kind of arrogant,” Raven said. “That’s what I thought,” the mom said. Nick and the dad talked on the back porch. “I didn’t expect to like you,” the dad said. Raven resolved to tell Nick she loved him, but all she could manage was “I think I should tell you that there is no hesitation on my end of what becomes of this.”

Next Nick went to Dallas. He went to church with Rachel. It was a predominantly black church. “This is a little different than my church at home,” Nick said. “That’s because it’s not a bar,” Melissa said. The much-hyped visit with Rachel’s intimidating dad didn’t happen because of “work obligations.” Instead Nick met her mom, sisters, and a white guy married to one of the sisters. “You don’t need to have black skin, but you need to have thick skin,” Rachel said. Nick didn’t know what okra was.

Nick then went shopping with Corinne. Melissa and I both noted how Corinne had been less annoying recently. Nick tried on $800 sweatpants and Bailey let out a crippling fart that immobilized Melissa for a couple minutes. Corinne told Nick she loved him. Nick met Corinne’s mom, dad, sister and nanny Racquel. They ate some gigantic olives that excited me. Corinne’s dad washed his wine down with scotch and said “I believe Corinne is the lid to Nick’s pot.”

Nick met Vanessa in Montreal, where Melissa and I went for my birthday. It was raining frigidly just like it was when we went. They went to Vanessa’s school and made posters with one of her classes. There was a funny bald guy I enjoyed. Vanessa then took Nick to meet about eight hundred family members. Her mom, sister and brother expressed concern to and about Nick. The sister, mom and Nick all cried. Then they went to visit Vanessa’s dad. Nick asked him for his blessing. The dad said no. But Nick convinced him to change his mind. Vanessa cried because her dad told her Nick had asked the other girls’ dads for their blessings too.

They went to Brooklyn. Vanessa cried again. Andi showed up. 

Standings

Julia & Paul - 49
Raven - 20
Jasmine - 9
Whitney - 9
Jaimi - 8
+3 last team standing bonus
It's a runaway. Raven won't win and it doesn't matter. The defending champs are soon to be the defending defending champs. They drafted last and they drafted masterfully. Outside of overlooked Kristina, the newlyweds nailed every pick optimally. Their wedding was spectacular, their new house is spectacular, their dogs are spectacular and their Bachelor teams are spectacular.  As Kwickfish would say, "Owned." 

Kelly & Phil - 32

Corinne - 21

Christen - 4

Hailey - 2

Astrid - 5
I (and Melissa, and everyone who watched the show, and everyone on the show except Nick) talked a lot of shit about Corinne. But at this moment, she has as many points as anyone. It won't be enough, but Kelly & Phil deserve credit for drafting Corinne where they did.

Bri & Doug - 31

Danielle L - 10

Sarah - 6

Kristina - 10

Astrid - 5

Nothing to see here other than some pretty girls who might wind up on Bachelor in Paradise. Bri & Doug drafted an aesthetically pleasing team that didn't amount to much.

Melissa & Tom - 29

Rachel - 17

Taylor - 5

Liz - -1

Josephine - 6

It looks like too little too late for us. Rachel will win or be next Bachelorette, but her mental stability is a double-edged sword - she doesn't cry as much as the other girls and thus lags a few points back. She won't make up twenty points on the defending champs.

Andie & Eric - 28

Danielle M - 11

Alexis - 8

Brittany - 4

Astrid - 5

This team doesn't look bad on paper, until you add up the points on that paper and realize it's going to get last place. 

Andrea & Zack - 23

Vanessa - 21

Lacey - 1

Elizabeth - 1

Last blog I wondered if A to Z could have picked the overall winner and still finish last in the pool. That won't happen, though last place still could. First place is actually still in play as well: Vanessa could plausibly reject a marriage proposal from Nick, catapulting the north Boulderites to a surprise win and Nick off an icy Finnish fjord.

Episodes 4 & 5

Synopsis

Episode Four

The girls expressed shock and concern over Corinne’s behavior with Nick. Vanessa took a stand on Nick’s behavior with Corinne. Sarah and Taylor confronted Corinne. “You do you, you do you, you go girl,” Corinne said. “You do you. I’m’a do me.”

At the rose ceremony Corinne scratched near her eye for about six seconds, much like Bailey does. Melissa noted the size of Josephine’s lips. “I feel really nervous,” the travel nurse said. “You should,” Melissa said. The travel nurse cried. Corinne obviously got the final rose. “I love the taste of victory,” Corinne said and bit her rose. Nick got rid of the travel nurse who cried again and another one whose name we couldn’t remember. She cried also.

“He’s only keeping the ones he has potential with,” Josephine said. “Not you,” I said even though she’s on our team. I’m just happy she got this far. They went to Milwaukee. Nick met his parents in a coffeeshop. “He’s way taller than his dad,” I observed. “Is that dad-dad or stepdad?” Melissa asked. We weren’t sure. The conversation made it seem like it was dad-dad. Nick’s mom cried. Nick cried also.

Danielle L and Nick made cookies and made out. Then they ran into someone Nick had dated for “three or four months.” It was hard to tell if their conversation was awkward or not. Nick continued his autobiography of his romance history with a trip to a grassy hill where Nick used to make out with girls. Then he made out with Danielle L on the grassy hill. At night Danielle L told Nick her parents were divorced. “Do you see this??” Melissa asked. “Her nip is about to pop out of her dress.” Melissa spent about a minute trying to rewind and pause the video at a moment she claimed the nip was visible. “Are we in seventh grade?” I asked. They went to a concert of a pop country guy who sang a lot of high notes.

Most of the girls went to a farm where Nick was feeding baby cows milk to drink. They tried to milk cows. Nick was bad at it. “It was discouraging,” Jaimi said, then correctly milked. Then they shoveled poop. Kind of like our DFS lineups that night. Corinne gave up. Nick hinted at a future date to Kristina. Corinne grabbed her boobs and made a creamed corn analogy. Vanessa showed Nick a nice book her students had made for her. That sequence reminded me of the Trump/Obama juxtaposition. Kristina dropped a “right reasons” to Corinne. Kristina also added the date rose.

Nick and Raven took a walk to a girls soccer game. It was Nick’s little sister Bella’s game. They tried to be goalies for the girls. They were both bad at being goalies. Nick’s parents were at the game. Bella scored a goal. They went roller skating with Bella. They played arcade games. Then they had dinner at the Milwaukee Art Museum where I once had lunch. Raven told Nick about the time she found out she was being cheated on. She remembered a lot of details. Corinne and Taylor had a long boring conversation which I used as an opportunity to check the WSOP schedule.


Episode Five

Bri & Doug have a fantastic U-shaped couch which allowed them, Andrea, Zack, Melissa, Blaze the dog and myself a comfortable seat with a clear view of the 5th episode of Nick V's turn as The Bachelor. Turbo the dog was unable to find a seat on the couch and walked around the couch in what I interpreted as frustration. Corinne & Taylor had a spat. Corinne dropped a “Right Reasons.” Taylor dropped a “Wrong Reasons.” Andrea, Bri, Zack and Corinne simultaneously swilled wine glasses. Corinne complained about Taylor to Nick. “Corinne is gonna be so amazing on Bachelor in Paradise,” Doug said. “Oh I just want to punch her in the face!” Andrea said and then punched the air.

At the rose ceremony, Danielle M got the couch’s approval. Zack said there was “no chance” Corinne would go home. “Zero,” he clarified after I asked. Corinne did get a rose. Astrid & Sarah did not. They were both on Bri & Doug’s team. They handled the losses well. Sarah did not: she cried.

Turbo finally got on the couch and immediately made out with Andrea. “Cosmo wants to lick me 45 times in a row,” Andrea said. “I counted.” They went to New Orleans (Nick and the ladies, not Andrea & Cosmo). Alexis shook her fake boobs before making a Game of Thrones reference. “Everytime I watch this show it makes me want to lift weights,” Andrea said, then suggested Zack should host the show because he has “the same personality” as Chris Harrison.

Tom gets up to use the bathroom. Melissa steals his computer. Bri wonders how Tom is going to quote everyone when he is in the bathroom. Everyone else makes bets on who will be on the 2 on 1 (Corinne and Taylor – duh!). Doug made popcorn. The conversation quickly turned to president Donald Trump. The couch was not pleased it would have to spend more money on avocadoes, among other reservations.

Nick & Rachel went to a market and ate hot sauce. Then they ate beignets. Andrea was reminded of “the worst coffee of my life” she’d had from Café du Monde. Then they danced in a parade (Nick and Rachel, not Andrea and the worst coffee). Then they danced in a bar. Neil the Ring Guy showed up in a commercial which Doug didn’t fast forward through. Perhaps because he works in the industry he likes commercials. Nick and Rachel went to a garage full of mardi gras floats to have dinner. They both drank beers which some of us found impressive. Nick talked about meeting Rachel’s parents without using “if”. Nick said he might be “breaking rules” but that he was “super into” Rachel. The couch strongly praised Rachel. I hurriedly wrote down as many compliments as I could: 

• “smart”
• “normal temperament”
• “attorney”
• “great arms”
• “flip flops instead of crazy-ass stilettos”

They showed some of the girls without makeup. Danielle L took a moment to recognize. Corinne and Danielle M looked better. “Josephine looks like John Elway,” Zack said. The group date was announced, making it apparent Corinne & Taylor would be going on a 2-on-1 date later. Zack and I bet an upcoming Hungry Toad bill on who would win. I took Taylor, he took Corinne. “Corinne is gonna f***ing go home,” Andrea said confidently. But she turned down Zack’s offer of a $20 bet on it. Zack suggested a dog walk as the stakes. Andrea said that was a man’s job. “I don’t smash the patriarchy in that regard,” she said. Within seconds Zack had been identified as “The King of White Male Privilege” before the term was extended to Doug and me. Then the couch heaped praise on the leadership and looks of Justin Trudeau.

The big group date was at a haunted house. They pulled out a Ouija board which Doug called a “woojee” board. I checked DFS. Zack Randolph got off to a slow start. Zack Sanders called Whitney “the poor man’s Vanessa.” Danielle M and Vanessa bonded. Nick tickled Danielle M. Raven told Nick about the moment she “fell in love” with him. It wasn’t enough to get the rose. Danielle M got it.

Corinne & Taylor went on two-on-one date in a swamp. A large man in a black tank-top drove the boat. Doug made a Deliverance joke. They met up with voodoo people including a priestess who brought them to a tarot card reader. Corinne called Taylor a “big mean swamp monster.” Nick started a serious conversation with Taylor. “I can taste that Boddington’s now,” Zack said in reference to the Hungry Toad bet. I usually get a Speckled Hen and Zack usually gets a Boddington's. The tarot card reader asked Corinne if she had any questions. “How do you make a voodoo doll specific to a person?” Corinne asked. Taylor said Nick’s relationship with Corinne would be built on “like, whipped cream and lies.” “#whippedcream&lies” Zack said. Corinne won the two-on-one date. Taylor got rubbed with oil by the voodoo people. Corinne aggressively made fun of Taylor to a rose. “She’s turning into a Trump,” Bri said. The show ended with Taylor dramatically interrupting Corinne & Nick at dinner.

Standings

Julia & Paul - 32
Raven - 9
Jasmine - 7
Whitney - 6
Jaimi - 7
+3 last team standing bonus
Big turn of events here. The defending champs have surged to the lead on the wings of Raven and a solid supporting cast. However, Raven is going to be this whole team sooner rather than later. She's a contender for hometowns, but has ground to make up on the leading contenders to go any deeper.

Andie & Eric - 25

Danielle M - 9

Alexis - 7

Brittany - 4

Astrid - 5

Alexis is nearing the end of her run, but Danielle is rock solid. The NICU Nurse is heading to hometowns at the least.

Bri & Doug - 25

Danielle L - 8

Sarah - 6

Kristina - 6

Astrid - 5

Does Danielle L have as much potential as the other top contenders? I'm not sure. She's strong in group scenarios, but the chemistry seemed to peter out in her one-on-one with Nick. Kristina isn't a bad second banana though.

Kelly & Phil - 23

Corinne - 12

Christen - 4

Hailey - 2

Astrid - 5
This team is quickly disintegrating. Even if Corinne does defy the odds and make it deep, K&P will have a hard time hanging in with just one player.

Melissa & Tom - 19

Rachel - 9

Taylor - 5

Liz - -1

Josephine - 6

Rachel had an extremely strong one-on-one and is likely to either win or be next Bachelorette. But will it be enough? Josephine will likely be out at the next rose ceremony and we're already 13 points back of Julia & Paul. I don't see it happening this season for us.

Andrea & Zack - 9

Vanessa - 7

Lacey - 1

Elizabeth - 1

Could A to Z have picked the overall winner and still get last in the pool? It's in play for sure.

Episodes 2 & 3

Synopsis

Episode Two

A gaggle of girls drove down to a mansion to hang out with Nick. That was weird because they were living at a mansion so Nick could have just come to them. They took photos in wedding dresses. Bailey had to rest his head on my laptop in order to stay on the couch. He got lucky when I dropped some Chipotle on the laptop. This was the third time we’ve had Chipotle in Vermont so it was special. We take Vitamin D pills for the lack of sunlight but they don’t make Chipotle pills. Yet. Corinne complained about how hot Brittany looked topless.

A bunch of them kissed Nick while taking fake wedding photos with him. Corinne didn’t like it. Alexis said her kiss “tastes like Danielle.” Brittany kissed him while almost naked holding an apple. Corinne didn’t like it. Corinne took her top off in the mansion’s swimming pool in front of everyone. “This is getting very special right now,” Lacey said. Corinne said Nick was “holding her bare bosoms” even though “bosoms” would mean four breasts or more.

During the night portion of the group date, Corinne made out with Nick and said things in double or triplicate like she was “falling, falling, falling” for Nick and feelings were growing “stronger and stronger and stronger” and she was “good very good.” Raven told Nick her last relationship had ended when she walked in on her then-boyfriend with another woman. Corinne butted in on three girls (the triplicate thing again) to make out with Nick and said “cheers bitches” to the group before downing some wine. Then she got the group date rose. Melissa gave a huge thumbs down. “He likes crazy,” she said bitterly. “That’s his type.”

Back at the mansion Corinne bragged about Nick holding her boobs. “He literally Janet Jacksoned you,” Lacey said. Danielle M who Melissa calls the “NICU” nurse went on a helicopter ride with Nick over Southern California to land on a yacht off Newport Beach. Melissa made her usual “Why have we not done that?” joke.

Liz told Christen she had banged Nick already and Christen said “Playasaywhat??” to the cameras. Liz tried to explain to Christen why she didn’t give her number to Nick and it made as little sense to Christen as it did to us. Melissa noted the conversation took place over the course of three different outfits.

Nick and Danielle M went on a helicopter ride. Danielle M told Nick she had been engaged until her fiancée overdosed on drugs and she found him. That was enough to lock up the date rose, obtain a kiss, and get a “she’s really pretty” from Melissa. They went on a ferris wheel and made out (Danielle M & Nick, not Danielle M & Melissa).

Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina and Liz prepared for a group date with Nick. Josephine and the dental hygienist with the mysterious accent hyperventilated. They went to the Museum of Broken Relationships in Hollywood. Nick placed the engagement ring he bought from Neill the Ring Guy in front of his dates and talked about how it made him sad, but happy because it made him better. There was a fake breakup with two actors as a guide for fake breakups they would all act out. Melissa realized the girl slapping Nick in the face (a highlight of the big teaser trailer at the end of episode one) was going to be part of an act. “That’s disappointing,” I said. “Usually is,” Melissa said. Liz cried.

Nick was natural at fake-breaking up, probably because he’s done it for real so many times. Astrid did an okay job of fake breaking up. Kristina laughed during hers. Jaimi was convincing. Christen’s was okay. Josephine did the slap. It was huge, like when Ben Howard slaps in “Sorry With Slaps” which is playing the board game “Sorry” only you can slap someone in the face if they screw up. It’s really fun actually. Liz went over the top with super-serious and intense references to her real “breakup” with Nick.

At night Jaimi told Nick she dated a girl while Melissa edited pictures of the ice castle in New Hampshire she went to that afternoon. Christen served as an intermediary between Liz and Nick. Then they cut out the middle woman and talked. “The more I talk to Liz the less she makes sense,” Nick said. “I’d be shocked if some girls don’t decide to leave,” Christen said. Then Nick got rid of Liz. “Welp,” I said. “Hopefully our fourth round pick does well,” Melissa said. Nick told the remaining girls on the date he had boned Liz before and Astrid threw her hands to her face. They ended the show without a rose ceremony; instead they had a one-year birthday party for Alexis’s fake boobs.

Episode Three

We watched the episode from the 24th floor of Loews Hotel in Philadelphia. The girls expressed shock and concern upon learning about Nick’s tryst with Liz. He spent the cocktail party explaining it one by one to the girls while rubbing their hands. Bailey put his head on Melissa’s leg to get closer to her Philly cheesesteak (vegetarian of course, because eating animals from factory farms is disgusting). Corinne put on a trenchcoat and put whipped cream in Nick’s mouth and on her chest. “I love that Corinne seems to be very comfortable with her body and very comfortable with her sexuality,” Nick said, but expressed concern over how the other girls would feel. Corinne then wept and slept through the rose ceremony with her rose cuddled on the bed next to her like Bailey cuddles with us. Nick got rid of the underwear-joker Hailey (because she forgot the top third of her dress, according to Melissa) who immediately started weeping (Hailey, not Melissa). He also eliminated Lacey AKA “Yellowdress” according to Melissa. 

Chris Harrison hyped a big group date. The Backstreet Boys came into the mansion singing and told the girls not to wear heels. Danielle L said they were her favorite band. “Was that past tense or present?” Melissa wondered. Melissa admitted she liked the one she thought was named Brian, who I pointed out was the shortest one (Melissa likes short guys. Fortunately.) They went to a warehouse and practiced dancing. Danielle L. did well. Corinne did not, so she went to the bathroom and cried.

The Backstreet Boys started with that “Backstreet’s back, all right!” song which I secretly kind of like (no longer a secret I suppose). Jasmine, who dances professionally at Golden State Warriors games, didn’t get voted the best dancer by the crowd. Danielle L. did. Her reward was a dance onstage with Nick with the ‘Boys serenading them with that “I Want It That Way” song which I secretly kind of like. Seriously those are the only two Backstreet Boys songs I like or even know. Except for that “Incomplete” song which I secretly kind of like.

Danielle L confidently made out with Nick. “She’s going to hometowns,” I stated. Corinne said she wanted to get a boob job, “but a tiny one.” Then she tried to explain her nanny to the other ladies. Jasmine got jittery and ornery and fell over. Nick unsurprisingly gave Danielle L the group date rose.

Vanessa and Nick went on a plane that was supposed to have no gravity, but actually had some. They made out while floating. Melissa and I both checked our phones. At dinner Vanessa told Nick her grandfather died. I made fun of Zack’s team to him via imessage and said it was “too bad cause Vanessa is legit.” “Yeah she’s a real person,” Zack responded.

Nick and the girls did track and field with Allyson Felix, Carl Lewis and Michelle Carter. Astrid’s boobs bounced a lot. Alexis pulled off the high jump. Astrid hit the javelin heart target. Dominique bucked stereotypes by being bad. The final event was a race to a ring. Rachel was fastest, but botched picking up the ring. Then she ran back to pick it up, stepped on it, and shattered it. Astrid picked up a shard of it so she “kind of won” according to Nick. 

Dominique cried, got consoled by Rachel, saw Rachel making out with Nick, and started crying again. Melissa noticed Alexis’s fake boobs were too far apart. We remembered our nickname for her is “Dolphark” because of her shark/dolphin costume from the first night. Nick got rid of Dominique and she cried for a third time. Nobody got points for her crying or negative points for her getting booted before the rose ceremony because nobody picked her to be on their team. Seems to be the story of her life. Rachel got the date rose. Melissa and I high-fived.

They did a pool party instead of a cocktail party. “Her bathing suit is not even covering her pubes,” Melissa said in reference to Jasmine. Corinne and Nick jumped inside of a bouncy castle and made out, angering some girls. Afterwards Corinne fell asleep in the castle and snored. Raven told Nick that Corinne had a nanny. “She does not know how to clean a spoon,” Raven said gravely. Jasmine, Taylor and Vanessa also told Nick they thought Corinne was bad.

Standings

Kelly & Phil - 14

Corinne - 6

Christen - 3

Hailey - 2

Astrid - 3
Corinne is going to accumulate points like Ashton Eaton in a decathlon until she expires. That expiration is inevitable, however, and I think it will come sooner rather than later. Then this team is finished. Still, I like the high-upside Corinne pick where they got her.

Andie & Eric - 12

Danielle M - 3

Alexis - 3

Brittany - 3

Astrid - 3

This team is going to be tough. Danielle M is a contender, Nick will probably keep Dolphark around a while for the laughs, and Brittany and Astrid won't be anchors. It looks to be a boom year in Eric's boom/bust pattern.

Bri & Doug - 12

Danielle L - 4

Sarah - 3

Kristina - 2

Astrid - 3

The mirror image of A&E's team, right down to using the first five letters of the alphabet in their abbreviated team name. B&D have a contending Danielle at the top, a decent second banana, a non-anchor, and Astrid. This season could come down to a Battle of Danielles. 

Julia & Paul - 10
Raven - 2
Jasmine - 3
Whitney - 2
Jaimi - 3
Raven seems to have the best chance at being this year's Whitney - an under-the-radar charmer who suddenly comes on after a gamechanging one-on-one date. Considering Raven has only been on one group date, that could happen as soon as the next episode. The rest of this team is also-rans, but at least they made it this far.

Melissa & Tom - 7

Rachel - 3

Taylor - 3

Liz - -1

Josephine - 2

It will be interesting to see if Liz murders this team. I thought she was a great value near the bottom of the third round, obviously not anticipating she could be going home the next episode with a negative on her back. Josephine's singing aside, this is a solid team that could be in the mix if Rachel goes all the way. She's already garnered two "preliminary" roses.

Andrea & Zack - 6

Vanessa - 4

Lacey - 1

Elizabeth - 1

Ouch. It was all over for A&E ten minutes into the second episode after the draft. Double-digit picks are easy to miss on, but Team Zero Waste has to be regretting not picking up a bonus 4th round pick. It's too bad, because Vanessa might be this season's strongest player.

Episode One & The Draft

Synopsis

Melissa, Bailey, the “GOAT” pizza (the Upper East Side from Manhattan Pizza Pub in Burlington Vermont – a white sauce pizza with breaded eggplant, ricotta cheese, red onion and spinach), a Stone Corral Black Beer, a Smuggler’s Notch Maple bourbon & ginger and I sat down on the couch for the eagerly anticipated season premiere of The Bachelor featuring my personal favorite “character” Nick V in the titular role.

There was the obligatory opener featuring Nick V, Nick V’s abs, and Nick V’s glutes. They showed him get obliterated by Andi, then Kaitlin. He said he was excited to have the shoe on the other foot, though it was “arguably likely” he would get his heart broken again. Repeat heartbreak was an ominous theme throughout the first episode and the teaser trailer at the end. He looked at old photos of himself with his family, including a bleach-blonde high school look they said made him look like a vampire. Coincidentally, his little sister was named Bella.

Next up came the obligatory session with previous Bachelors Blonde Guy, Farmer, and Ben. Blonde Guy (I think his name is Sean) has been on every season since we started watching, I think. It was unclear why the Farmer was there since he quit on his relationship with Whitney without ever giving it a fair shake. Perhaps it was for his taste in plaid shirts. “Wait, Ben wound up with who?” Melissa asked. It took me a second. “That blonde girl from Portland?” I suggested. “Oh yeah – she was kind of stupid,” Melissa said. Melissa thought it would be funny if one of the guys who “beat him” was there giving advice.

Then came the vignettes on some of the more prominent contestants. They did them on a lawyer/vacuumer, a beach bunny, a multilingual special needs teacher, a nursing student, an Arkansan, a Miami businesswoman, a weirdo from New Jersey, a nurse, a mental health pro, and a “doula” who knew Nick from Jade & Tanner’s wedding.

During the commercial break I ate more pizza and texted with Toph, who said he was watching The Bachelor along with the Rose Bowl.  Even though Toph probably had mid-five figures on the game, he was more focused and fired up for The Bachelor. Toph and I lamented the Rose Bowl being on Jan. 2nd instead of 1st and agreed it didn’t feel right.

Danielle the beach bunny came out of the limo on the wet driveway first. “She forgot the middle part of her dress,” Melissa said. She reminded me of Kobe Bryant’s wife. Then there was Elizabeth, a marketing manager from Dallas. The attorney came next and made a strong move with a fantasy (sports, not suite) reference. Then came a huge-mouthed woman in a yellow dress, the mental health counselor who awkwardly told him her friends thought he was a “complete piece of sh__”, a dental hygienist with a mysterious accent, a model, someone named Hussy who made fun of their last names, a food truck operator, Ida Marie, an Alaskan, Sarah who ran up and made a “runner-up” joke I liked, a pro basketball dancer who brought Neill the ring guy, a Canadian who made an underwear joke I also liked, a sexual German, and the “doula” who already had sex with Nick. It was unclear if Nick remembered her or not. He skillfully used language that made it seem like he thought he remembered her without committing.

USC scored a TD to cut the gap in half on Penn St. Nick V told Harrison he thought he remembered the doula. Then another limo pulled up and out came Corinne who gave him a “hug token”, the French-speaking special ed teacher, Danielle who gave Nick maple syrup just like we gave everyone for Xmas, the Arkansan, a chef with a nose ring, someone with a stethoscope, an account manager, a nurse with a hot dog, a (different) travel nurse just like Melissa, a flight attendant, a pilates instructor, someone on a camel, the “aspiring dolphin trainer” who reminded me of the aspiring dolphin trainer from Survivor and Jonathan Jaffe the aspiring dolphin trainer/professional poker player, and Emma Stone. Actually Emma Stone was in a commercial for a movie with Ryan Gosling. I got confused because it was right after the limo sequence and Ryan Gosling was on the show recently. 

The big surprise wasn’t how many contestants were wearing red dresses, it wasn’t how many were nurses, it was how many were black. Kevin Love went to the locker room and I yelled the F word. Corinne gave Nick a bag of tokens. Then she got overaggressive and kissed him.

ABC ran a crapload of commercials. USC tied it 49-49 with a minute left. Nikola Vucevic double-doubled in the third quarter. Corinne further established herself as the Villain. The aspiring dolphin trainer was wearing a shark costume but kept insisting it was a dolphin.

Somehow USC had the ball back in field goal range with 5 seconds left. They made the field goal to win it 52-49. Pac-12! Rachel, an early Melissa favorite, got the First Impression Rose – much to Corinne’s chagrin. No rhyme intended. Rachel also got a kiss. Nick said “you guys” to the group of girls which is a term I often consider in school with groups of girls and usually avoid in favor of “ladies.” The travel nurse started freaking out cause so many of them were wearing red dresses and she wanted to be noticed. “That’s totally the reason you’re not getting a rose – cause of your red dress, not cause of your shitty personality,” Melissa said.

At the rose ceremony, Nick saved the last rose for the doula he already banged. We had a discussion about Nick and her having sex at the wedding and the aftermath. I found the idea of having sex with someone and then not recognizing them later preposterous, even for a supposed-player like Nick, even if the sex was super drunk. “He obviously has sex at every wedding,” I said. “So do you, now,” Melissa said. In any case, it was clear Nick did recognize and remember her. He got rid of the Alaskan, one or two nurses, one or two black women, and one or two I had never seen before. “I would have kept the Alaskan,” I said. “That’s because you want to spend summers there,” Melissa said. The most exciting events of the epic season trailer were Nick getting slapped in the face by one of the ladies and Corinne saying “my heart is gold, but my vagine is platinum.”

The Draft

1. Andie & Eric - Danielle M
2. Andrea & Zack - Vanessa
3. Melissa & Tom - Rachel
4. Bri & Doug - Danielle L
5. Kelly & Phil - Corinne
6. Julia & Paul - Raven
7. Julia & Paul - Jasmine
8. Kelly & Phil - Christen
9. Bri & Doug - Sarah
10. Melissa & Tom - Taylor
11. Andrea & Zack - Lacey
12. Andie & Eric - Alexis
13. Andrea & Zack - Elizabeth
14. Bri & Doug - Kristina
15. Julia & Paul - Whitney
16. Kelly & Phil - Hailey
17. Melissa & Tom - Liz
18. Andie & Eric - Brittany

Eric proposed an added 4th round in which we could independently draft any of the remaining players if we chose, with a -1 point penalty for anyone we chose who didn't receive a rose at the first ceremony. We accepted.

4th Round:
Andie & Eric - Astrid
Bri & Doug - Astrid
Kelly & Phil - Astrid
Julia & Paul - Jaimi
Melissa & Tom - Josephine
Andrea & Zack - Nobody

This left Dominique as the only contestant not drafted, the One True Dreg. 

I am not going to power rank the teams or analyze in depth as I don't have much of a feel for this season yet. I thought the first four picks were reasonable and straightforward and Corinne at #5 was overly aggressive, but the alternatives at that point were not enticing. I was surprised Liz fell to #17 though I 'd be more surprised if she went deep (yeah, I know, she already did, ba-dum-cha.) I'm looking forward to the season.