Hometowns, Fantasy Suites & The Women Tell All

Synopsis

Hometowns
 

Ben, who was wearing what Melissa called “pirate pants”, expressed excitement that he’d narrowed it down to “four smart, sophisticated, beautiful women.” Maybe he got one out of three.

Amanda’s daughters came running up to her on the beach, inciting a fit of tears. The four of them hung out on the beach for a few minutes before heading back to a house in Orange County.  Amanda cried some more while talking to her mom, but she was wearing the same outfit so she didn’t score any more points. Nothing much happened and Ben left. “I can honestly say I would be completely heartbroken if I was sent home,” Amanda said. Foreshadowing, anyone?

Next up was Lauren B in Portland, Oregon. “I just don’t see how he could possibly take Amanda over Lauren B,” I announced. “Aren’t they the same person? Except Lauren B doesn’t have kids, lives in Portland and is a little better looking. What am I missing?” I asked. Melissa shook her head disparagingly.

As I predicted they got lunch at a food truck. Then they went to a “Whiskey Library” and hung out for a bit. They left with a lot of good whiskey still in their glasses, which enraged Melissa and me, before parking blocks away from B’s house for unknown reasons.

B’s mom, dad, sister, two brothers and dog were waiting for them. They all seemed to be about the same age to me, and sure enough it turned out the dog was 18. The sister may have been better-looking than B and asked Ben some pretty good questions. Perhaps she will be the next Bachelorette. Ben floundered with the questions and started crying so he wouldn’t have to answer. B shed a tear while talking to her dad. The mom, brothers and dog didn’t get any additional airtime.

Next up Ben met Caila in a nondescript Ohio town. “Caila challenges me because she’s real,” he admitted. They went to a factory and built a house. Then they went to Caila’s parents’ house. Caila cried a little bit while telling her parents she loved Ben. Despite their recommendations she tell Ben that, Caila choked and just said “I’ll see ya later,” when bidding Ben goodbye.

Finally there was JoJo in Dallas. She showed up wearing “terrible open-toed boots” according to Melissa and “an awful shirt” according to me. Flowers and a romantic letter were waiting for JoJo at her house, but they turned out to be from an ex-boyfriend, not Ben. JoJo started crying, then called the ex on speakerphone so everyone in America could hear.

Ben showed up.  “He’s a cardigan guy, huh?” Melissa noticed. “Guess that’s not so farfetched.” JoJo recovered and took Ben to her family’s gigantic house. There was a mom, a very-Texan looking dad (according to Melissa), a sister and two big brothers. They talked briefly about Dallas. “I’m not opposed to moving,” Ben said. “Except to Texas,” Melissa added. “You can’t move from Colorado to Texas.”

“We’re really, really, REALLY attached to Joelle,” one of the brothers said. “Who the F is Joelle?” Melissa wondered. The boys took Ben back to one of the house’s 19 rooms to pepper him with questions before the dad followed suit in a library. JoJo’s mom told her to let her guard down, then the brothers urged her to keep her guard up. The brothers gave Ben a hard time in the kitchen while the mom chugged champagne straight from the bottle.

The ladies brought the heat to the rose ceremony. Melissa called it “Teeny-Tiny Dress Night.” Ben finally got rid of Teen Mom, who held it together before capsizing in the limo.

Fantasy Suites

Ben & co. went down to Jamaica. Caila went rafting with him on a river. She expressed anxiety over the two other girls. “I think Caila has something on her mind today,” Ben deduced. They reconvened that night at Sandals resort, where Michael Scott once took Jan Levinson (no Gould). Caila told Ben that she loved him. He responded by making out with her and Caila said she “could feel it in his breath” that he loved her too. They made out in the ocean underneath a fireworks show before retiring to the fantasy suite.

Moments after the date concluded Lauren B arrived for hers. A Brit named Mel helped them find and rear baby sea turtles. That night B wanted to tell Ben she loved him, but couldn’t muster the courage. Instead she told him he was “Legitimately, like the man of my dreams.” They got the fantasy suite invitation. “I need time to us, to do us,” B said.

Finally she told Ben she was “completely in love with him”, adding “You really are, like the man of my dreams.” Then came the big surprise: “I’ve known I’m in love with you for a while as well,” Ben said, which went against years of assumed Bachelor rules and tradition and two months of me discounting B as an also-ran.

JoJo and Ben went swimming near some waterfalls. Melissa and I were impressed with her waterproof makeup. JoJo told Ben she loved him.“I don’t want to think about what it would be like to live without you,” JoJo said. “Oh sweetheart, you better start thinking,” Melissa ripped. But then, again shockingly, Ben told JoJo he loved her too. JoJo was stunned, and appeared to say something about how she thought he couldn’t say that. Ben’s response was muffled, likely deliberately. Then they made out.

After that there was a long boring conversation that drove me to check the daily fantasy landscape, but that was so ugly it drove me to check my email, then some college basketball scores. Fortunately JoJo summarized their conversation for me: “It’s so nice to hear you talk,” she said. They spent the night together and JoJo impressed Melissa by wearing sweats in the morning instead of a nightie or lingerie.

They interspersed a bunch of overly-enthusiastic Caila clips with clips of Ben pondering palm trees and mulling how he was going to dump her. Caila surprised him at the resort and he dumped her. She cried.

“The whole purpose of this is to find one true love,” Ben stated. “Right now I have two true loves.” “I am so far in my relationship with Ben,” JoJo said. “I just couldn’t imagine him feeling that way about anyone else.” Melissa made some polygamy jokes.

The Women Tell All

There was a big season recap. “Ben is the hottest man I have ever seen in my life,” someone shrieked. “You need to get out more,” Melissa said. There was a big Olivia highlights/lowlights montage. For some reason there was a bird in the midst and for some reason it was hanging near Lace the Bitch. The Russian spoke English. Jami broke a record for percentage of boob shown without a nipple shown. There was a big Jubilee recap. There was a big Lace recap. Some guy took his shirt off revealing a tattoo of her. Seriously, a man actually got a tattoo of Lace. Melissa hoped it was temporary.

There was a second big Olivia montage. Jennifer had a witty comment which made we wonder again why Ben got rid of her so fast. The Twins complained simultaneously. Olivia claimed she was a giant bitch on the show because she was an introvert. They all gave her a hard time including someone named Izzy I’d never heard of or seen before in my life. Olivia wept while referencing “hard times” and “terrible things” on social media as Chris Harrison greedily begged for details. There was a big Caila montage. Melissa called her a bitch after she was reminded that she got “the Amos Lee date”, then made further fun of a weeping Caila as she complained about never finding love.

Chris Harrison made Ben pick out which one of the Twins was which. There was a big blooper montage. 

Standings

Andie & Eric - 45 points

Caila - 28

Emily - 14

Haley - 3
Melissa and I really warmed up to Caila down the stretch, even if Ben didn't. She revealed herself to be a weakness-free catch, and I'd watch if she's named next Bachelorette.

Andrea & Zack - 44 points

Lauren B - 28

Lauren H - 11

Lauren LB - 5

I've never gotten the Lauren B thing. Y'all left a lot of sidebet money on the table - I would have taken about five other girls against her heads up. JoJo the End Boss will be tough to slay in the Finals, but B has already accomplished more than most winners.

Bri & Doug - 38 points

JoJo - 28

Amber - 8

Samantha - 2
JoJo may still have the edge, but a win from her likely won't be enough for Bri & Doug to overcome The Laurens. They've got six points to make up, and a JoJo win over B will only net them three - and they'd actually lose ground if B became the next Bachelorette. Barring an unexpected twist, A to Z will likely take their second pool title.

Julia & Paul - 35 points

Amanda - 21

Jennifer - 6

Rachel - 5
+3 last team standing bonus

Melissa & Tom - 23 points

Olivia - 12

Leah - 6

Shushanna - 5

Kelly & Phil - 21 points

Jubilee - 7

Becca -12

Jami - 2

In retrospect, J&P were correct to complain about their draw. Nobody left at the turn went any deeper than, like, Amanda. There was nothing they could have done. If not for Whitney's Cinderella run, I'd be concerned the last couple teams to draft each season would be screwed. Our picks generally wind up being pretty accurate, and it's hard not to be topheavy.

Episodes 6 & 7

Synopsis

Episode 6

Ben confronted Olivia. He said the other girls had issues with her. “Like, I’m just like, different. I like reading books in my room, and like, thinking, and that’s what I do. I want to talk, smart, things,” she explained before crying. Again The Twin accused her tears of fakeness. “Come at me bro,” Olivia challenged. At the rose ceremony, The Twin managed to cry and obtain the last rose. Big Boobs got voted out.

I decided Carly Rae Jepsen's "I Really Like You" from last week should be the official theme song of the blog, so I added a link to it on the upper right. I couldn't figure out how to open the link in a new tab, so you'll have to do that yourself if you want Carly's sweet stylings to serenade your readings.  Or maybe Bag will leave a comment telling me how to change it on Blogger. Or you can just listen to it on Spotify. Or not at all.

They went to the Bahamas and Ben selected Caila for another one-on-one date even though Invisible Leah hadn’t been on one yet. Invisible Leah became visible and cried. A lot.

“I feel like I love you,” Caila said, but then said she was afraid of breaking Ben’s heart. Then Ben said he was worried they were going to break up that night, then Caila said a few nice things while some piano music played, then Ben gave her the date rose and made out with her.

Lauren B, Becca, Amanda, JoJo, Lauren H, and a tilted Leah went swimming with some pigs. JoJo had a good conversation with Ben about the awkwardness of the situation. Suddenly Visible Leah cried again, then expressed frustration to Ben while crying, then cried more.

During a thunderstorm, Visible Leah randomly tossed Lauren B under the bus and Ben confronted B about it. “Honestly, when I’m with you, I don’t think about anything,” B explained. Then she wept and Leah flat-out lied to them all, saying she never said anything bad about B. Amanda got the date rose.

Melissa and I argued about how dumb or not dumb Amanda, Lauren B, and The Twin were. We agreed The Twin was actually kinda smart, B was more “cheerleaderish” than idiotic, and Amanda was dumb as a pile of rocks. And then Tom collected our plates, peed and went upstairs which gave Melissa time to steal Tom’s computer and write in the blog. Oops.

I came back in time for a behind-the-back catfight between Leah and B. Leah lost: Ben dumped her. She cried yet again, offsetting the points she lost for exiting prematurely.

Olivia and The Twin went on a cloudy, blustery date on a boat with Ben. “It’s perfect!” Overconfident Olivia exclaimed. “Is it?” Ben asked. The Twin screamed as she jumped three feet off the boat onto the shore. They drank champagne in the wind awkwardly for a moment before separating. Olivia told Ben she loved him. The Twin attempted to have a conversation with him with blowing hair covering her face.

They set Olivia up for another satisfying exit by playing a bunch of her most cocky comments. This time it wasn’t a second-level trick though, as Ben actually did get rid of her – by cruelly grabbing the rose, bringing her aside, telling her he loved how she opened up to him, then dumping her alone on the beach in a pseudo-hurricane.

“It makes sense that Emily keeps winning the 2-on-1s, cause she’s a twin,” Melissa said. “She’s been winning 2-on-1s her entire life.”

Ben cancelled the cocktail party, startling JoJo into a fit of tears. At the rose ceremony, Ben sent Lauren H back to Kindergarten. She broke down and cried in the hearse ride, as did everyone else (including Ben) on the big preview trailer to end the show. 

Episode 7

“Welcome to Warsaw, Indiana, the place where I grew up!” Ben introduced jollily before running into his parents at a greasy spoon. Ben gave them a rundown on the remaining six contestants, noting Becca’s frigidity, The Twin’s twinness, JoJo’s comfort, Caila’s sex appeal, Amanda’s momness and “shocking” beauty and something vague about Lauren B.

Lauren B and her dark roots drove with Ben in an old red Chevy truck through rainy Warsaw. Ben showed her some key Warsaw landmarks including the high school, church and youth club. Melissa noted that the church was bigger than the high school. At the youth club, Lauren B made a free throw and pulled off a cartwheel. A kid with bleached hair named Ronnie nailed a half-court shot. It was unclear how many takes it took him to make it.

George Hill and Paul George showed up. I reminisced over all the times Paul murdered our DFS lineups this season. That guy is matchup-independent. I don’t think we’ve rostered Hill once this season. Neither played any basketball even though they’re professionals and they were on a basketball court. Instead the kids, Ben, and B played. B dribbled with her left hand. It was unclear if she was lefthanded or ambidextrous, but I’m sure Ben was taking notes. The night portion of the date incited a large “BOORRRR-INNNNGG” from Melissa followed by a sigh. It was the obligatory dull dinner date followed by the obligatory drink at a bar followed by the obligatory makeout sesh on a rooftop. B told the cameras she was in love with Ben.

Ben and JoJo went to play baseball at Wrigley Field. “I’m confused, how did they get to Chicago?” Melissa wondered. JoJo had never played before but hit one to the edge of the infield. Ben hit the Moon-patented weak liner to the right of second base. Meanwhile, back at the hotel, they announced the next group date and The Twin wasn’t on it, which caused her to cry from thinking she’d instead get the next one-on-one. Frigid Becca said she was feeling “things I’ve never felt before.” I declined to make a penis joke cause I actually think Becca is pretty swell. JoJo articulated herself effectively as usual while eating dinner on the Wrigley outfield.

Amanda, Becca and Caila took a stretch limo to some farm somewhere. I asked Melissa where they were and she described it as “some farm somewhere.” They paddled in boats for a bit, then flew kites for a bit, then sipped chardonnay in a barn while contemplating the significance of the date. “This is the biggest rose yet,” Ben said. “Literally?” Master Gardener Melissa wondered. “There is a lot of weight to this rose,” Ben said, perhaps responding. He surprised us by giving Amanda the date rose, but that wasn’t as surprising as Frigid Becca shedding tears in response. Caila also cried.

Amanda and Ben returned to Warsaw AKA “The Orthopedic Capital.” Perhaps Eric Schwartz can shed some light on that nickname. They went to McDonald’s. Amanda took drive-thru orders. “Why are they doing this?” Melissa wondered. “Because they’re paying them a lot of money,” I explained. Amanda and Ben re-enacted the Lady & The Tramp spaghetti-kissing scene with a French fry.

Then they went to a carnival. The mayor and someone named Eric were there but neither was Eric Schwartz. Amanda and Ben rode some rides and made out a bunch and little kids whacked Ben repeatedly with giant inflatable hammers. Then they made out on a ferris wheel (Amanda and Ben, not the little kids).

Ben and The Twin drove a boat to Ben’s parents’ riverside home while Bailey wedged himself deep into the couch cushions. Coincidentally, Caila called Emily “a bright-eyed puppy” right then. Ben’s parents came down to meet The Twin, who announced that “talking to people can really be a hard thing for me,” before saying she “really needed to count on her conversation skills” to get through the date before telling Ben’s mom she wanted to be a Denver Broncos cheerleader. And that was before they won the Super Bowl. Ben’s mom expressed concern over Emily’s age and maturity before joining The Crying Game. Ben rope-a-doped The Twin with smiles and blankets and a river sunset before suddenly dumping her while the other girls watched through a window. Obviously she cried, but it didn’t really even help the Schwartzes because all the other girls except Caila cried too. At the rose ceremony, Ben had Frigid Becca pack her bags. She managed to summon a few tears in the hearse ride. 

Standings

Andie & Eric - 32 points

Caila -15

Emily - 14

Haley - 3
Emily's stay on the show was like a 13-seed's Cinderella run to the Elite Eight ending in a blowout loss to a traditional power. Sixth place, 14 points, way-outlasting her twin and meeting the parents has to qualify as a massive success. Caila is cruising, but you could say that about the other remaining contestants.

Andrea & Zack - 31 points

Lauren B - 15

Lauren H - 11

Lauren LB - 5

Could B lead the Laurens to the promised land? I'm still betting no. Caila and JoJo seem to have more to offer. But I've been cold on B all season.

Julia & Paul - 30 points

Amanda -16

Jennifer - 6

Rachel - 5
+3 last team standing bonus

Amanda just made hometowns?? She just beat Becca? What am I missing? Cause I preferred half the girls he sent home the first night. In any case, this is where the dream dies for Teen Mom.

Bri & Doug - 25 points

JoJo -15

Amber - 8

Samantha - 2
JoJo has a hammerlock on winner or next Bachelorette. To think there was a time Zack poked fun at B&D for drafting her. Personally I'm hoping Ben picks Caila, as I'll have a tough time watching next season unless it's JoJo or Becca. Or Jubilee. Or Lace. Or fresh blood. Or Juan Pablo.

Melissa & Tom - 23 points

Olivia - 12

Leah - 6

Shushanna - 5
Ugly season for the MoonBee on the heels of a disastrous Survivor pool season. While it doesn't seem just that a team like Kelly & Phil's could wind up with fewer points, I do think our points system is more representative, balanced, and effective than ever. Note that Olivia is the only player who's received points (2) for an "I love you." There may have been others - let me know if so.

Kelly & Phil - 21 points

Jubilee - 7

Becca -12

Jami - 2

Amazingly this seemingly potent squad crapped out in last place. It was pretty bad luck that Jami only scored 2 and Jubilee exited prematurely; Becca's lack of crying could be predicted, but she still outscored all other second-rounders except Emily. Here's hoping she's the next Bachelorette.

Episodes 4 & 5

Synopsis

Episode 4

The girls joined Ben in “the marriage capital of America”, Las Vegas. The Twins walked on a treadmill together and claimed it was a good workout. Ben and JoJo made out in a helicopter on their way to the MGM Grand. JoJo told Ben about some insecurities on a sofa before they made out some more. Then they watched fireworks on top of a building and made out some more.

 

A gaggle of girls went to see a ventriloquist and perform in a talent show. Lauren B admitted she had zero talent. “Well duh, I could have told you that,” a continually mean-spirited Melissa said. Olivia said “Bam-Shabaam!” at one point which made me think of Eric Schwartz. “We’re in it to twin it!” The Twins exclaimed simultaneously. “Oh barf,” Melissa replied. They actually did a pretty decent Irish dance together. Jubilee played a cello. Someone juggled. Someone dressed up as a chicken. Someone jumped on a pogo stick. Olivia rose out of a fake cake and danced awkwardly. “It was cringeworthy,” Lauren B assessed. Olivia didn’t hear that or the other mean comments, but cried anyways. 

She continued to weep after the commercial before pulling it together before the night portion. Ben referred to Caila as a “Sex Panther” before making out with her and caressing her leg. I decided “Sex Panthers” would be the second best team name to come out of the episode behind “Bam-Shabaam!” A Lauren kissed the ventriloquist’s puppet before making out with Ben while gripping his jaw with both hands. Olivia acted catty.

Becca and Ben presided over the marriages of a bunch of randos in the “chapel” in Vegas that’s on the way to Fremont Street. Then they went to a museum of retired neon signs. Ben admitted he had some questions about Frigid Becca, including whether “she could feel.” He then implored her to “please feel.” Becca announced to Ben “I really like you,” which made me think of this sneaky-good Carly Rae Jepsen song which now has almost as many plays on Spotify as “Call Me Maybe.” Then they made out.

Then they set up a grotesque two-on-one date with Ben and The Twins. I thought it was deplorable but predictable. They actually went to their house in Vegas. One of them cried, but we didn’t bother to find out which one since we had no clue and they’re both on the Schwartz team. Ben broke up with one of them in a conversation on a couch with the two of them and their mom, and that one cried, so then we didn’t know if the Schwartezes got crying points twice. The other one didn’t get a rose.

At the rose ceremony, Ben wiped out Amber and Rachel, who both wept on their way out. Rachel was probably crying because she had to face the reality of being unemployed and from Arkansas. For the second straight episode, they pulled a sneaky edit where they set Olivia up for a satisfying exit by playing a bunch of her cockiest quotes only to give her the final rose…and then they teased her potential exit in the “Next Time On” trailer as well.

Episode 5

Ben said he was “more and more confident that my wife could be in that group,” as the crew flew into the Four Seasons Mexico City. That was an uptick from last time when he simply said "my wife could be in that group." Ben went to their room at the Four Seasons before dawn to pick up Amanda for an early morning date. He said he wanted to see the girls “in their element” which was obviously code for “without makeup on” because they were all sleeping. He flashed a flashlight in everyone’s face to really get a good look. Amanda woke up clearly wearing makeup. Ben noted how happy he was to see the girls “without makeup, without hair.” “Without hair?” Melissa inquired. “Really? You like 'em bald?”

Amanda and Ben took a hot air balloon ride early in the morning like Melissa and I did when we got engaged. For once Melissa didn’t complain that I never did that for her. Amanda expressed amazement over the quality of the date. “I’m already having, just the most amazing day ever. This is amazing. I can’t believe, this is, like, my life right now,” she summarized. The night portion of the date started with Amanda’s description of her difficult divorce while Ben clutched her thigh. Melissa counted twenty “like”s during her monologue.  

Jubilee, Becca, JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B, Jennifer, Leah and Olivia went to ESL (Español as a Second Language) class. Olivia thought there was a lot of electricity between her and Ben. Becca said “Te Amo.” “Does that count?” Melissa asked. The Twin didn’t realize she was supposed to speak in Spanish.

Then they split into teams of two to cook Mexican food. Olivia and Jubilee both wanted to partner with Ben. Melissa thought they should have arm-wrestled for it but Olivia just won as usual. She got to drink mezcal with Ben and make food with him. “Ben already tasted my taco, and he loved it,” JoJo said cryptically. Jubilee won by herself even though it was a partner challenge I thought.

Ben took Lauren B on a walk in the city to make out while JoJo soothed the other girls as usual. Then Jubilee asked Ben if she had a chance to win the show and he said no and then said hasta mañana to her. She cried on her way to the taxi. JoJo typically provided a shoulder to cry on. Ben blindsided the crew by giving the date rose to the villainous Olivia.

Lauren H went with Ben to a clothes store and then Ted Cruz was projected to win the Iowa Caucuses which was deemed a “devastating blow to Donald Trump,” according to ABC News. Bernie and Hillary were engaged in a tight battle. Then they went to a fashion runway and modeled clothes (Ben and Lauren H, not Bernie and Hillary). Later on Lauren H told Ben about a breakup that took her a year to get over and she cried and got a rose and made out with Ben in the street in front of a dude playing a harp.

Olivia cried, though The Twin claimed “her tears were fake as f**k.” I counted the points. The Twin cried too and talked crap about Olivia to Ben behind her back. Then she called the other Twin to complain more about Olivia and cried a lot more. Ben asked some of the girls about Olivia and they didn’t say nice things. Ben ended the episode by asking Olivia to talk privately while the girls speculated he might revoke her rose and Melissa and I panicked for the 18^th time this season.

Standings

Julia & Paul - 23 points

Amanda - 9

Jennifer - 6

Rachel - 5
+3 last team standing bonus

J&P have the points lead, but the prognosis is bleak for their team. Like, Amanda is like, just an afterthought, like, as we approach hometowns. I thought Jennifer would bust out by now (or her breasts would), but neither has happened. Most likely, J&P will be busto by hometowns.

Andrea & Zack - 21 points

Lauren B - 7

Lauren H - 9

Lauren LB - 5

The Laurens are hanging around. I'm not a fan of Lauren B, but Ben seems to be. H's one-on-one date came at the perfect moment. It should be enough to preserve her for a couple more episodes.

Andie & Eric - 21 points

Caila - 8

Emily - 10

Haley - 3
This much-maligned squad may now be the favorite to win the pool. Somehow Emily is tied for the points lead, while Caila is destined for a night in the fantasy suite. I had been laughing this team off from day one, but it's time to face the fact that the Twins Strategy could be a pool-winner.

Melissa & Tom - 20 points

Olivia - 10

Leah - 5

Shushanna - 5
Olivia is like this Denver Broncos season. They've eked out multiple nailbiting finishes, there's never a comfortable moment, they've looked dead in the water half a dozen times, yet here they are still competing for a championship. They might be gone five minutes into the next one, but hope is still alive.

Bri & Doug - 17 points

JoJo - 7

Amber - 8

Samantha - 2
JoJo should win or be the next Bachelorette. Becca and Caila are her only competitors, and neither one really has a personality. 

Kelly & Phil - 15 points

Jubilee - 7

Becca - 6

Jami - 2

Uh oh. This looked like the strongest team right up until Jubilee's exit, but now it's in trouble. I think why she left was probably straightforward - she asked Ben straight up if she had a chance, he respected her and knew she didn't, so he told her honestly and she peaced. The bummer for the newlyweds is that cost them three points, points they couldn't afford to lose because they're down to one horse.

Episodes 2 and 3

Synopsis

Episode 2

“I want Ben Higgins to be my husband,” Olivia announced cheerily. There was a shot of Ben in his underwear getting dressed. Lace said “the first night I got a little too drunk, a little too emotional,” an understatement akin to Eric Schwartz saying “I maybe took one too many twins in the draft.”

Jackie, LB, Lauren H, Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer and Lace went on a large group date. Jubilee was overly excited about it. “I’ve never been this turned on in a high school before,” someone said. “Wow. High school must have sucked for you,” Melissa quipped. Chris Harrison put a lab coat and glasses on to conduct a “science experiment” where the girls had to mix chemicals in a certain manner to make a phallic volcano erupt. Lace screwed it up.

Then the girls bobbed for apples. Jackie couldn’t concentrate cause Ben was close to her. “Jackie is not great with her mouth, unfortunately,” some Lauren said. Then they put states on a map. They struggled. Then they shot hoops. Mandi shot the ball over the apparatus. There were some other ugly shots. "This is definitely, not like a scene from Hoosiers," Ben summarized. Amber stereotypically carried Mandi to the championship in a teams competition. Then they raced very short hurdles. Melissa complained about the height of the hurdles, as she had had run hurdles for a while as a kid. She talked about the difficulties of hurdling for a while before admitting she couldn’t remember if she'd done them on a dirt track. Mandi upset Amber in the hurdles so she won the some extra time with Ben. “Is he disappointed?” Melissa wondered. 

Ben wore a plaid jacket to the evening events. “I want to make sure Ben does not think I am some crazy girl,” Lace said. Melissa and I both declined to make a joke. Becca and Ben played basketball outside on top of a skyscraper. Becca shot like 80% on mid-range jumpshots while spectacularly done up and wearing high heels. “Are you watching this??” Melissa asked. “Becca is stealing his heart right now!” I concurred.

Ben addressed the girls. “My wife could be in this group,” he said. “We’re not certain yet though,” Melissa added gravely. Ben and Jennifer made out. “Whoa, Smoocharooh with Big Boobs,” Melissa said to get my attention. I looked up in time to catch the tail end of it. Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Caila was chosen for the one-on-one date. She was pleased. “I kinda like Caila,” Melissa admitted. “I’m not gonna lie.”

Jubilee told Ben she was adopted from Haiti. It was treated as a big moment. Lace cursed a lot, then went for a second meeting with Ben when some of the girls hadn’t even talked to him once. Ben and JoJo danced and talked on top of a skyscraper. “I have never been this high in my life,” JoJo said. “Go to Colorado,” Melissa said. JoJo wore a dress that “had a lot of sideboob action on it,” according to Melissa. “Thank you for sharing with me,” Ben told JoJo. He further thanked her by giving her the date rose.

Ice Cube and Kevin Hart came over to the mansion. When asked what the most romantic thing they’d ever done was, Cube said it was “marrying his wife,” and Kevin Hart said “I cooked some fried chicken in a crock pot,” which made no sense cause you don’t fry in a crock pot. Ben described Caila as “fun and bubbly, which is incredibly attractive to me.” “Fun and bubbly,” Melissa repeated. “Smart and charismatic? Nahh.”

Caila managed to have an intimate conversation with Ben while an acoustic guitar played in the background, which gave me a chance to check in on daily fantasy. CJ Miles (for) and Paul Millsap (against) murdered us. They went to a theater (Ben and Caila, not CJ and Paul) and saw Amos Lee. Melissa and I sat legitimately spellbound watching it. Amos Lee is one of Melissa’s all-time favorites and soundtracked some key moments in our history. It was probably the most entranced we’ve ever been watching The Bachelor.

Emily, Shushanna, Samantha, Olivia, Haley and Amanda went on a group date with Ben. Olivia reminded us she got the first impression rose, but “wouldn’t mind if science” made her a good match with Ben because it was a science date. The Twins did their interviews togethers. Shushanna spoke English no problem. I texted PiMaster about DFS while losing track of a group date involving science, smells, and white tank tops.

There was a smell test. Samantha failed it. Olivia made fun of her. Olivia won the smell test. Melissa and I high-fived. Then Olivia did an annoying “WINNING$” celebration in her interview which made Melissa and I regret taking her. Then she made out with Ben.

Amanda finally got to talk to Ben. “There’s like, a lot, that like, I wanted to tell you on the first night, like when I like, one of the biggest, most important things in my life, like, I have two daughters,” Amanda said. Verbatim.

For the night portion of the group date Ben came out in a hoodie with a sport jacket. “Is he wearing a sport jacket with a hoodie?” Melissa asked incredulously. He was. Olivia got the date rose and bragged about it. Melissa and I high-fived again, starting to enjoy the villain role. Amanda became the first to cry. I’m not sure why.

At the cocktail party, a good-looking Ben (the girls, Melissa and I all agreed – he fixed his hair by adding a faux fauxhawk and he also wore a good suit) addressed the girls, noting the importance of this stage and the unenviable task that lay ahead of him. Then he went into individual conversations. Someone we didn't recognize had a conversation with Ben. “I have never seen that woman before in my life," I said confidently. It turned out to be Leah who was actually on our team. When we realized our 1-2 picks were Haughty Olivia and Invisible Leah and we panicked before holding out hope for The Russian.

Olivia said you don't want to “rest your laurels” and struck up another conversation with Ben. PiMaster texted about Hassan Whiteside who was going bananas when only 8% had him but we did to pull us back into the mix in DFS. Lace the Bitch got airtime so I zoned out further into DFS. Amanda cried. At the rose ceremony, Lace and Amber wept before getting roses. LB took herself out of the game. Ben got rid of Jackie, The Crazy Dentist, and Samantha who we almost took before audibling Peyton Manning-style to Shushanna and then Bri & Doug took. She did cry on her way out though to earn a last-minute point. “I just want to go home,” she sobbed. “Good, cause you’re gonna go home,” Melissa rubbed it in. 

Episode 3

Some of the girls expressed contempt for Olivia. “It’s like, I don’t get, like, there’s so many like great girls in the house where it’s like, I see why, like, everyone really likes you, you know?” Amanda said. Jubilee said it would be "Probably like the happiest moment of my life,” if she got to go on a date with Ben.

Ben picked Lauren B up in an old car and then they went flying in an old airplane. Melissa and I agreed it was a terrible choice to take a flight attendant on a flying date. “Don’t ever take me on a date to the hospital,” Melissa warned. Lauren B was scared at first even though her job takes place on airplanes. They flew over the mansion to rub it into the other girls that they weren’t on the date. Then they flew to a field with a big old tree and a Jacuzzi. They made out and got in the Jacuzzi and made out some more. Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Caila cried. Then Lauren B told Ben she liked things simple while his eyes glazed over. Ben responded by telling her a story about his dad having a heart problem and gave her a rose and made out with her again. Then they danced very slowly to an older woman singing a country song and made out again.

Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H, Olivia, Jami, Rachel, Lace and Emily arrived by limo at the L.A. Coliseum to play soccer with Ben, Alex Morgan and Kelly O’Hara. The girls struggled. Alex Morgan said she was “surprised so few have foot skills.” Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Jubilee cried. Chris Harrison divided the girls into two soccer teams with the winners getting to go to an afterparty with Ben. The Twins landed on opposite teams. Lace the Bitch was goalie despite not knowing she could touch the ball with her hands. Emily The Twin stood out as a top performer as the other goalie. The game went to overtime. Amber scored the winning goal. Rachel got injured. Later she cried about it. Shushanna also cried over the loss. 

Olivia rankled feathers by pouncing on Ben at the beginning of the second stage of the group date. They went up to a hotel room and made out while the other girls complained about her toes. Jami told Olivia about it and Olivia admitted she did have bad toes. Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Jubilee was stricken with anxiety before receiving a one-on-one date invitation. Amber had a minimal conversation with Ben before making out with him. Then she got the date rose.

Jubilee teased Ben for being twenty minutes late for their date and the other girls hated her for it. One of The Twins referred to Jubilee as “awko-taco.” This time it was a helicopter instead of a plane for the date. They flew to a “big miniature castle” on top of a hill which turned out to be a health spa. They ate caviar but Jubilee spat it up. Ben poured champagne. Again, the date progressed to a hot tub where Jubilee engaged Ben in a decent conversation before they made out. Then Jubilee told Ben her entire family was dead. Then they made out.

Ben told the girls he just got news two people he knew from home had been killed in a plane crash. I couldn’t help but note it was ironic. Olivia segued that into an embarrassing conversation about how embarrassed she was by her legs and feet. Ben was not pleased.

Some girls complained about Jubilee being withdrawn. “There’s like 18 elephants in the room,” Rachel said. “There’s like 47 elephants in the room,” Olivia said. Jubilee gave Ben a massage while some intense music played and the other girls complained. “It’s like an elephant in the room,” Amber said. “There’s like an elephant in the room and I literally wanted to sit her down and be like, this is why there’s so much tension in the house.” Amber did attempt to sit Jubilee down which pissed her off. As usual JoJo was on hand for support but Jubilee told her to “leave me the f%#@ alone.” The other girls continued to complain about Jubilee, who cried.

Lace the Bitch started crying and left the show.

At the rose ceremony Ben said au revoir to Jami (they speak French in Canada) and Do svidaniya to Shushanna, who cried on her way out. 

Standings

Andrea & Zack - 12 points

Lauren B - 4

Lauren H - 3

Lauren LB - 5

Lauren B is brutally boring, Lauren H is a non-factor and LB got out while she could. This is a sinking ship. 

Bri & Doug - 11 points

JoJo - 3

Amber - 6

Samantha - 2

I've changed my mind on this seven times already, but now think JoJo is the favorite. Every emotionally struggling girl has talked to her during their darkest hour. She's playing with a full deck in a season of missing cards. Amber isn't going anywhere but somehow scored the second-most points in episodes 2-3 if we haven't made a counting error, so Bri & Doug should be in good shape.

Melissa & Tom - 11 points

Olivia - 4

Leah - 2

Shushanna - 5

Olivia survived a sneaky edit before getting the "final" rose, but her foot debacle showed a disturbing lack of empathy and abundance of selfcenteredness. She could be heading home before hometowns, while Leah is an afterthought and Shushanna packed her bags. Things aren't looking up for the Moonbee.

Julia & Paul - 10 points

Amanda - 4

Jennifer - 3

Rachel - 3

I'm not sure what to make of this team either. Amanda can't get through a sentence without saying "like" less than five times, Jennifer's breasts have been her only selling points thus far, and Rachel seems inconsequential. I'm not seeing it.

Andie & Eric - 10 points

Caila - 4

Emily - 3

Haley - 3

The Twins have held tough thus far, but their days are numbered. Caila's deep run won't be enough to bail the Schwartzes out.

Kelly & Phil - 10 points

Jubilee - 6

Becca - 2

Jami - 2

The Canadian only got K&P two points, but I still think this is the strongest team. Jubilee and Becca should accumulate lots of points en route to top 5 finishes.

Dregs - 9 points

Jackie - 1

Lace - 7

Mandi - 1

No one took the bait on Lace and no one's regretting it, but she'll likely score the most points of any first round pick.

Updated Points System

1 POINT

-Going on a group date

-Receiving a rose
-Crying on camera (maximum 1 cry per outfit worn)

2 POINTS
-Sneaking extra time with the Bachelor outside of standard date parameters
-Going on a 1-on-1 date
-Explicitly "winning" a group date
-Saying "I love you" or "I'm falling in love with you" directly to The Bachelor
-Accepting a marriage proposal from The Bachelor
-Season-specific bonus (???)
-Declaring virginity

3 POINTS
-Defeating another contestant in a 2-on-1 date
-Being the first to kiss The Bachelor on the lips (already achieved this season)
-Being the last team with all remaining contestants
-Going on a Hometown date
-Being invited to the Fantasy Suite
-Finishing in 2nd place
-Exiting the show prematurely on one's own accord

4 POINTS

-Becoming the next Bachelor(ette)

5 POINTS
-Finishing as the final contestant

-1 POINT
-Losing a 2-on-1 date

-3 POINTS
-Failing to get a rose during a 1-on-1 date
-Leaving the show
-Exiting the show prematurely and involuntarily

AUTOMATIC WIN
-Rejecting a marriage proposal from The Bachelor after the final rose ceremony

Episode 1 & The Draft

Synopsis

“Oh God, he’s not even cute,” Melissa griped as the new Bachelor Ben Higgins was introduced. Ben shot hoops in front of a red barn at sunset in Indiana which was weird because now he lives in Denver. Julia actually chatted him up on LinkedIn, attempted to set her friend up with him, was told he couldn't date anyone and correctly deduced that meant he was gonna be the next Bachelor.

After his shooting session at the barn, Ben went back to the high school where he was quarterback of the football team. But he wasn't there for more sports, he was there to marshall a parade. Next Ben went and saw his parents, who lived next to a river and appeared to own a boat. His mom started crying but nobody had her in the pool so nobody got points. Then Ben almost started crying himself, announcing that “It had been a big month."

Then Melissa and I took twenty seconds to remember what Bachelorette Ben was chasing before remembering it was Kaitlyn the Canadian. Ben went and hung out with three ex-Bachelors: The Farmer, the Blonde One Who’s Still Married, and some short normal-looking guy. The Farmer was the only bachelor ex-Bachelor. For some reason he gave advice even though his engagement lasted like two months and he never took it seriously according to our friend Toph who knows Whitney.

Ben got ready with a nice suit and a crappy haircut. “There could be things I find out about myself,” Ben stated. “Like my terrible haircut,” I finished.

There were some quick vignettes on Lauren B the bubbly flight attendant, Caila the creep who broke up with her boyfriend after seeing Ben on The Bachelorette, Jubilee the scary war veteran, Mandy the weird dentist, the caricature blonde bimbette twins, Amanda the obligatory mom, Tara the Chicken Enthusiast and Samantha whose dad died of ALS. Somehow the weirdo chicken lady was the best of the bunch.

One by one, the girls got out of limos and met Ben at the mansion with the slippery driveway. There was the token goofball (Caila), the token awkward pretty girl (Jennifer), the token Canadian (Jami), the token black girl (Jubilee), the token mom (Amanda), the token bitch (Lace), the token teacher (Lauren R), the token foreigner (Shushanna), the token redhead (Laura), the token weirdo (Mandi), the twins, the token cowgirl (Maegan), someone wearing pajamas, the chicken lady and the token TV journalist.

A final limo pulled in and Chris Harrison welcomed in someone named Amber who I could barely remember from the Farmer’s season I think and Becca the Frigid Virgin. Lace the Bitch instantly lost it and started crying and cursing. Ben immediately went on damage control and calmed her down Juan Pablo-style, except it wasn’t Pablo-style cause he didn’t make out with her – he actually told her he didn’t want to make out. The twins were listed as “Twin” for their occupations. Melissa invented the word “bimbastic” to describe the crew. A girl with huge boobs in a low-cut black dress talked to Ben while he furiously tried to maintain eye contact. Ben gave the first impression rose to Olivia the news anchor.

At the rose ceremony, Ben got rid of most of the best ones, including the redhead, the breadbreaker, pajamas and Jessica who I had starred as “the possible winner." Then there was the annual long meandering season preview. There was nothing as exciting as V. or the naked guy running on the golf course, but someone did hiss “This bitch is crazy. She HIT ME IN THE FACE.” 

The Draft

1. Andrea & Zack        Lauren B

2. Melissa & Tom        Olivia

3. Andie & Eric        Caila

4. Bri & Doug            JoJo (Unicorn)

5. Julia & Paul            Amanda

6. Kelly & Phil            Jubilee

7. Kelly & Phil            Becca

8. Julia & Paul            Jennifer

9. Bri & Doug            Amber

10. Andie & Eric        Emily

11. Melissa & Tom        Leah    

12. Andrea & Zack        Lauren H

13. Andie & Eric        Haley

14. Andrea & Zack        Lauren B

15. Kelly & Phil        Jami

16. Melissa & Tom        Shushanna

17. Bri & Doug            Samantha

18. Julia & Paul        Rachel

Dregs: Jackie, Lace, Mandi

I really had no clue where to start with this year's draft. The personalities exhibited in the first episode were fleeting, and appearances in the the preview were harder to pinpoint than usual. Thus, I think it's more wide open than in previous seasons. Usually you have a pretty good idea of who is going deep after the first episode, but I didn't watching this one. So while someone like JoJo wasn't really on our radars at #4, I can't hate on the pick, cause I really have no clue who's going deep.

Briefly, I thought Kelly & Phil got excellent value out of Jubilee and Becca at the wraparound. I also thought Julia & Paul started well, grabbing Amanda & Jennifer. Then they complained about their luck and ironically fell to the last pick of the draft, the borderline-dreg Rachel (I would have gone with Jackie). I think A to Z drafted three Laurens sort of as a joke, but I also think it's a solid trifecta. Eric went with Twins instead of triplets, which was probably the WOAT move in pool history. I can understand going with a contrarian strategy in a winner-take-all tournament (it was executed to perfection this season by the Greenbergs in the Survivor Pool), but it's hard to imagine both twins going deep here after airheaded introductions.

Episodes 8, 9 & 10

Synopsis

Episode 8

 

Ryan Gosling asked Kaitlyn if she was in love with him. She murmured something unintelligible then said “I’m falling in love with you.” Gosling was not assuaged so Kaitlyn made out with him for a while. That seemed to do the trick.

Tanner expressed excitement over the brewing alpha battle between Gosling and Nick V, noting that “Shawn thought he was atop the totem pole.” Tanner didn’t speculate on where he stood on the totem pole.

Kaitlyn went on a 2-on-1 date with Kentucky Joe and JJ the Jerk on an Irish beach. Kentucky Joe told Kaitlyn that he liked her a lot. JJ the Jerk went for a different strategy, telling Kaitlyn that he cheated on his wife when their daughter was newborn. Kaitlyn said it was OK and kissed him while some upbeat music played. But she may have had a change of heart during the commercial break because when they got back the music changed to menacing and she got rid of him. She ended up keeping Joe around after verifying he could speak English and make out.

A jittery Gosling made his way back to Kaitlyn’s hotel room and had a long boring conversation that drove me to check my email. At the cocktail party Kaitlyn had an equally long and boring conversation with Ben H followed by an even-longer and more-boring conversation with Nick V and closed the circle with another very long and boring conversation with Gosling. The rose ceremony was well done because it made it seem like Gosling was going home, not because of the hype but because Ben Z was still around for the last rose and he seemed like a lock. “I didn’t see that coming,” Z said. “I DID NOT see that coming. Totally blindsided.” Z proved that real men do cry during his exit interview.

Jared and Kaitlyn went for a drive in the Irish countryside. Kaitlyn hit the curb “approximately three times” while driving on the left side of the road. They went to a castle I once went to where they kissed the Blarney Stone and each other.

After the date Kaitlyn went back to her hotel room alone, so it must not have been as good as her date with Nick V. “I feel like I got back on track tonight and I’m just feeling really happy in this moment, like nothing could go wrong,” she said. Of course, that cut to an edit of some ominous crescendoing music with Chris Harrison walking up the stairs. Kaitlyn made some vague confessions and Harrison told her they were going to an alternate fast-paced final structure. Harrison told her suddenly they would be cutting down to three, making this “a very pivotal week for you.” Then they would do Fantasy Suites, with only two guys getting Hometowns. I think it was just a cover to set up an obviously epic three-man battle royale between Gosling, Jared and V, likely culminating in the Grand Finale: Gosling vs the End Boss, Nick V.

The Dentist was chosen for a one-on-one date at a castle with a dog at the bottom. The castle was just a red herring as the date was actually above the Cliffs of Moher, first in a helicopter and then on a picnic blanket. Kaitlyn asked the Dentist how their lives would be together. “But, you know, life with me I think would be, we would be very close, and I think it would be fun,” the Dentist prognosticated. “And, uh, I also, like stuff like this, and I like going on adventures and I’ve had a lot of fun, really, this entire time.” That drove Kaitlyn to tears and she got rid of him. She escaped in the helicopter, leaving the Dentist weeping into a sunset whilst an Atlantic breeze blew through his hair. 

Episode 9

Ben H wore a large jacket and met Kaitlyn at a canoe. Ben H rowed them to a bright green island with deer on it. H talked about how much he liked Vikings before they played hide ‘n’ seek. After a “serious” conversation they drank stouts by a fireplace. This time Kaitlyn did drink the beer instead of her white wine. H expressed fear of being “unlovable” before both Kaitlyn and Melissa told him he was, in fact, lovable.

Kentucky Joe, Ryan Gosling and Nick V went on a windy date with Kaitlyn on a lawn. “Three-on-one, is, in my mind, just as difficult as a two-on-one,” Kaitlyn said. She proceeded to make out with each of them, but separately. Joe told Kaitlyn he was falling in love with her but she didn’t reciprocate. He was worried he stuttered. It wasn’t that. It wasn’t that he was speaking in Kentuckyian either. It was that Kaitlyn didn’t love him. She sent him home. “It’s been fun,” Joe said before awkwardly hugging her and sitting back down on a bench. Kaitlyn decided not to give the rose to Gosling or V. “On to the next,” she said like poker pros say after busting out of tournaments.

Kaitlyn and Gosling headed out to a classy, empty bar. Kaitlyn returned to her white wine while Gosling swilled a stout. Kaitlyn told him she had sex with V. A mosquito flew in my ear. Gosling went into the tank for a while before asking if she regretted it. Gosling went back into the tank for a few minutes before announcing he didn’t want to talk about V anymore. Melissa concurred. Then he said he was going to “man up” and stay in the game.

The remaining contenders dressed up for the cocktail party. “Shawn’s gotten significantly less cute,” Melissa observed. “He’s gotten, like, ruddy.” Chris Harrison announced there would be no party, only a rose ceremony. They rode in a horse-drawn carriage to a castle/hotel for the ceremony. Melissa complained that I never gave her a rose in a castle. Melissa also complained about Kaitlyn’s shiny dress, which she believed was made out of mirrors. “It’s for narcissistic guys,” Melissa explained. “Ian would like it,” I said.

Kaitlyn tried to give Gosling the first rose, but he asked to talk to her first. Basically he told her he was ticked off that she banged Nick V, then they went back and he accepted the rose. Kaitlyn ended up getting rid of Jared. Perhaps she forgot that he beat Kupah in a fight. I said Jared could be a model and Melissa disagreed. “Well then, it’s settled,” she said. “We have different taste in men.” The hearse drove Jared off and he cried.

You would think that was the worst of it, but Ryan Gosling referred to the night as “rock bottom” even though he got a rose. He was dismayed that “The Other Guy” got a rose and would be going to the fantasy suite with Kaitlyn. He struggled to get his suitcase out of the hotel while a fiddle played.

The Other Guy went on a date with Kaitlyn in Cork, a cute city I once got to go to. They went to a cathedral. I’m sure Melissa would have had a snarky comment about that but she had gone to bed having already watched this episode while I was in Vegas. Kaitlyn & V then drank whiskey with some subtitled Irishmen.

Jealous Ryan Gosling brooded over “The Other Guy” while some wind whipped through his dark blond hair and against his chiseled jaw. The Other Guy told Kaitlyn there was one guy he had “no respect for” and claimed Gosling bragged about being “Eskimo Brothers” with famous country singers. Kaitlyn thought they were both just jealous but didn’t tell The Other Guy that. She pranked V., taking him to a candlelit jail that was a fake Fantasy Suite. Then she took him to a real hotel where they cheersed to getting to spend the night together. Then they spent the night together. Nick chose to do the morning taping shirtless, implying he had slept with Kaitlyn and smugly rubbing it in to poor Ryan Gosling who certainly just watched the show.

“I got to know Nick better,” Kaitlyn said. “A LOT better.”

Gosling didn’t take it well, storming over to V’s hotel room and confronting him for being “manipulative”, “arrogant”, and “cocky.” “I know who I am and I know who you are, and we’re completely different guys,” Gosling said venomously. “I think you’re an a*****.”

It finished with a confusing check-in on Britt and the Singer-Songwriter. They made it seem like they were going to continue to date long-distance. But they also made it seem like maybe they were breaking up and the explanation was sort of a cover.

Episode 10

  

It picked up with Ryan Gosling continuing to bitch Nick V out. “Clash of the Titans,” Zack said. Gosling quickly stormed out and it switched to Kaitlyn’s big date with Ben H. “He’s hot...and he's serious about feelings,” she said.

They rode horses around Ireland, eventually coming across some donkeys. Ben H commended the donkeys on their “sick haircuts” before they came across a pre-made picnic in front of a castle. Melissa made her usual complaint that I never did that with her.

Ben H launched into a tedious monologue attempting to praise Kaitlyn. “So I was, uh, I dunno, the last couple weeks have been, really good with you, and I, especially with me,” he began. He driveled on for another minute or two (who knows, it could have been half an hour before the edit) before finishing. “That’s really nice,” Kaitlyn said simply. Andrea and Melissa laughed uproariously, then complimented H on his kissing.

H wore an effeminate sweater/robe to dinner, which of course they didn’t touch. Instead they made out and went to the Fantasy Suite. After the commercial break there was a shot of a lamb next to its parent. I thought it was suggestive of coital activities. Kaitlyn's description of the overnight was similarly suggestive. “We had a lot of fun,” she said. “I think I got a half hour sleep.”

Next Kaitlyn went golfing with Gosling. He drove the ball powerfully but his short game needed work. They played Truth or Dare and Gosling said he was “a Dare kind of guy.” Then he got naked and sunk a long putt. Sadly this was the “naked guy on a golf course” scene that I’d been looking forward to for so long that I forgot about it.

They had dinner under some chandeliers. It started off as a pleasant recap of a “normal day” but it soon devolved into another round of grievances about Nick V. Then they went to the Fantasy Suite. It was unclear how it went, but as soon as Gosling left he went straight home to bitch V out some more.

Chris Harrison interviewed Kaitlyn about the remaining three dudes. I’m 75% confident they said nothing of note but can’t be sure because I was checking World Series of Poker updates. Kaitlyn wore a low-cut red dress. “She waited to wear that dress till they’d all seen her tatas,” Melissa said. At the rose ceremony, Kaitlyn cried before getting rid of Ben H. Ryan Gosling and V chugged their drinks, then V rolled his neck and Gosling adjusted his suit multiple times. “There’s still an hour left?” Melissa asked in shock.

Then they went to Utah for unknown reasons. Nick V gave Kaitlyn a rambling speech about how much he loved her while his mom cried in a hotel room with Nick’s gigantic family. Melissa explained the family was probably Mormon. Her evidence was circumstantial but strong. Kaitlyn talked to the massive family before Nick told him mom he was “99% sure Kaitlyn loves me”, which would be extra-heartbreaking if he lost again. Nick then cried.

Next Kaitlyn met Gosling’s family. Gosling started it off with a slowroll, saying “Out of the 25 guys she met on the first night, I’m the only one left.” Gosling’s older sisters talked with Kaitlyn for so long I started reading a 538 article on drinking water.

Gosling’s dad Steve, who was wearing the same shirt as his son, gave him sort of a hard time on a deck. Then Gosling pulled another slowroll on Kaitlyn about how he loved her. Gosling said he was disappointed she didn’t say it back. “Have you seen the show, bro?” Zack asked. It ended with Kaitlyn peering out at a valley, crying while some birds chirped. 

Standings

Andrea & Zack: 38 points

Nick V: 26

Tanner: 8

Jonathan: 4
Remember when I argued A to Z were overaggressive taking Nick V first overall because his late entrance would make it hard for him to accrue enough points? Haha. Although my totals could be off (you guys should check your own scores), V now has 5 points more than second-place Gosling. This man is the Russell Westbrook of Fantasy Bachelorette. We still don't know if he was the right choice, however, as the more obvious pick for the #1 draft pick, Gosling, is still in the hunt. But A to Z's third-round pick (Jonathan) so outscored Julia & Paul's (Cory) that they should win the pool regardless of who takes Final Rose.

Andie & Eric: 34 points

Chris: 8

Ben H: 17

Justin: 6
+3 last team standing bonus 

It was a good run from the defending champs, and you could even argue they drafted the best team. I think Ben H has the best shot at being the next Bachelor.

Julia & Paul: 29 points

Shawn B: 21

Joe: 8

Cory: 0

I gave Joe a -3 for "exiting the show prematurely and involuntarily", which seems a tad unfair but correct by the letter of the law. I gave Chris the same -3. But even if Gosling ends up winning in two weeks, J&P will still likely lose by more than 3.

Melissa & Tom: 24 points

Jared: 15

Ian: 8

Clint: 1

Bri & Doug: 21 points

Joshua: 6

Ben Z: 11

Ryan B: 4

Kelly & Phil: 12 points

Corey: 3

JJ: 8

Daniel: 1
12 points sounds laughable, but A to Z actually scored just 6.5 on Juan Pablo's season. We will have to continue to tinker with the rules - the pool scoring still seems a bit topheavy.