Episode Seven

Synopsis

Paul and I watched the Bachelorette on our off day in between days 1 and 2 of the WSOP Main Event. Paul was nice enough to come over and help deliver all the recycling from six weeks at the house to a center in North Las Vegas because Vegas doesn’t do standard recycling for normal people. They went to Switzerland. Rachel chose Bryan to go on his second one-on-one date before Adam and Matt got their first, tilting the latter two. Bryan and Rachel got in a nice silver car that impressed Paul. They went to a watch store and Rachel bought Bryan and her matching watches. Paul expressed skepticism that she actually purchased them. “I’m proposing that that’s all bulls**t and the show just bought them,” he stated.

They made out on a boat while Adam and Matt tilted together. “These guys have to know they’re drawing dead, right?” I asked. Paul said he’d still be holding out hope if he was one of them. At night Bryan and Rachel talked at a dinner table. She said she hated private school. Bryan said his last relationship fizzled because his ex wouldn’t compromise with his mom. Bailey did his cute dreamshaking thing but his paw was touching the remote control giving me anxiety he was going to change the channel. They made out in front of a small symphony (Bryan and Rachel, not Bailey and the remote control).

Dean got to go on the next one-on-one date, further tilting Adam and Matt. “Don’t punch me in the face,” Dean said. They went to church. Then they danced in the street. Dean talked about Aspen as if he lived there which was interesting because his location is always listed as Venice Beach. Dean expressed anxiety over Rachel meeting his family because it wasn’t a traditional family. “Are his parents gay or something?” Paul wondered. They drank white wine. Dean asked Rachel if she believed in the Tooth Fairy. Rachel tried to get serious. Then Dean asked Rachel about dinosaurs. “Dean what the f&$k?!” Paul exclaimed. At night Rachel continued to press Dean into seriousness. He finally got serious and told Rachel his dad was immature and eccentric. It worked. Rachel gave him the date rose, committing to hometowns.

Rachel and Peter took a helicopter ride in the Alps. They lowered their headphone talking speakers to make out. They went dogsledding on Glacier 3000. Paul said he would love to do that and wondered where Peter’s beanie was. They made out on the glacier. Then they drank in an elegant room. It appeared Peter was drinking coke or soda but he said it was “really good” implying it was liquor of some sort. Rachel asked him if he’d ever brought home a black girl and he said he’d never dated a black girl. Then he told her about breaking up with his ex and started crying.

Adam, Eric, Matt and Rachel went on a four-person date. “My relationship is probably stronger than anyone else’s in the house,” Adam stated. Paul and I couldn’t believe he actually said that so we rewinded to see if he actually did. He actually did. They drank wine on a boat. Then they went to a chateau in France and drank more wine. Adam continued to express disdain for the word “difficult.” Paul laughed, possibly because he described doing a triathlon to me earlier in the day and that sounded pretty freaking difficult. Matt and Rachel talked for a bit and Rachel started weeping and bid him adieu. Matt took his glass of wine into the hearse.

Rachel talked with Adam and Eric at night. She expressed concern that Eric had never brought a girl home. Paul said she was going with Adam and I said I thought Eric. We didn’t bet on it for some reason. Rachel told them she was going with her gut and chose Eric. In the hearse, Adam expressed bitterness, saying Rachel “made a massive mistake” and should have met his family. “You think your family can pick up the slack for where your relationship was lacking?” Paul asked incredulously.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 33

1. Bryan - 14

2. Alex - 10

3. Adam - 8

4. Blake - 1

Bryan is still The Frontrunner in my eyes, but Paul feels differently. He thinks Peter is the favorite and said the Wisconsinite was tops on he and Julia's board from the beginning, with Dean second. He had a hearty laugh at them lasting till the end of the first round. Personally I only see Bryan faltering if a bombshell drops down the stretch. Bryan seems like a guy that could have skeletons in his closet, but the trailers haven't hyped much in terms of surprise and devastation - and you know they would if it was going to happen.

Melissa & Tom - 28

1. Peter - 17

2. Josiah - 7

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

Whether or not Peter is now the favorite is up for discussion, but there's no question he had an excellent episode. He's playing a confident, patient game, letting his opponents make mistakes. He should have no trouble coasting through hometowns, and appears to have surged past Dean - whose age finally showed up this week.

Julia & Paul - 26

1. Dean - 16

2. Anthony - 7

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1
Sketchy episode for Dean. Just when it started looking like he could overcome the age gap, he went and responded to Rachel's attempts at deep conversation with rebuttals about the Tooth Fairy and dinosaurs. Eventually he was able to summon the heartstrings, but it may have been too little too late. The fun fling period of the show is giving way to the more serious relationship portion, and previews of Dean's crackpot dad don't bode well. Regardless, he'll be the next Bachelor.

Andrea & Zack - 21

1. Eric - 15

2. Will - 7

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2
Eric could sneak into Fantasy Suites if one of his three competitors melts down, which could certainly happen. This team won't win, but Eric managed to guide them out of the Bottom Feeder Tier.

Kelly & Phil - 16

1. Jack - 3

2. Matt - 7

3. Lee - 5

4. Blake - 1
Matt and Adam got -2 for busting out on that 3-on-1 date: one point for going on a group date and minus three for exiting the show prematurely and involuntarily. I'm not saying this is fair, but it was the only way to score it according to our current points system. We could discuss amending these rules in the offseason. This unfortunate deduction cast K&P down into a tie for last place.
 

Bri & Doug - 16

1. Kenny - 10

2. Iggy - 5

3. Diggy - 3

4. DeMario - -2
Rachel doesn't screw around. I love it. She knows who she likes and takes care of business. She seems to have power over the "producers" we always blame for whichever loudmouth hangs around longer than we think they should. I heard the ratings were down for this season, which I don't understand. I guess people like watching trainwrecks. Rachel is my favorite Bachelorette since I've been watching.

Episodes Five & Six

Synopsis

Episode Five

A semi-engaged Wolf and SamENole joined me on the couch in Vegas for the fortnight-anticipated fifth episode of Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette. Bryan talked to Rachel on a boat at night before his signature wild kiss. Kenny called Lee a “disingenuous snake” and told him to “respect me to the hills.” “I have no doubt in my mind that you’re a sack of bleeding muscle right now,” Lee said. “I know cause you’re caught in your snakey ways,” Kenny said. “Bye snakey. Bye snakey.” Rachel gave Bryan the date rose and bid the guys goodnight. Kenny gave him props. “It’s very important not being a bitch-ass dude,” he complimented. Then he told Lee he was a bitch several times.

Jack Stone and Rachel rode in a horse-drawn carriage around Bluffton. They ate oysters with hot sauce, grossing out SamENole. Jack Stone awkwardly kissed, hugged and held hands with Rachel on a pier. Lee and Will had a conversation regarding the word “aggressive” and its racial connotations in America. Wolf was nose-deep in his book, but noted how “smiley” Jack Stone was. Nole was nose-deep in his phone, but asked if a player got negative points if they didn't survive a date. Indeed they do. “It’s about to happen,” Nole said. “The music…” He was right. Rachel got rid of Jack Stone. “In his defense maybe the reason Rachel doesn’t feel a connection is because she is battling a cold and would only feel a deep connection with her couch and a box of kleenex,” Melissa noted from Louisville. “Poor thing.” She also noted that Jack Stone reminded her of Brooks, but didn’t say if it was Brooks Lustig or the Brooks who rejected Desiree the Bachelorette.

Wolf tapped out. Adam expressed anxiety over the Rose Ceremony. “Like, the mood got real,” he said. “If I don’t get a rose tonight I’d feel disappointed.” Bailey snuggled up to Nole, who noted that Josiah looked like Draymond Green. Kenny called Lee a “Leezard” and made a slithering motion with his hands. Rachel got rid of Iggy and the Tickle Monster, who went out the way he came in – with a tickle. “So, the Tickle Monster didn’t get a rose tonight,” he sighed. “I gotta get back out there and look for a girl who appreciates a good set of ticklin’s.” Iggy cried.

They went to Oslo. “This is probably the first time there’s been this many black people in Norway,” Nole said. Bryan and Rachel rode a bus and a train. “Is this guy from Miami?” Nole asked. “He seems like a ‘Canes fan.” They went to the top of a ski jump. They rappelled off it. They made out halfway down. “How romantic,” Nole said. He said something about me to Wes I didn’t catch and Wes laughed loudly. Bryan and Rachel drank beer on a patio. Nole read what I was writing over my shoulder. Bailey stole his seat on the couch.

Rachel wore a lot of gold mascara to dinner. Wes came down to do laundry. He and Nole recounted the tale of how I didn’t realize the lint drawer in my dryer was full for a few months after I moved into my condo. Wolf came down the stairs playing a ukulele in his underwear. Paul busted out of the WSOP Bounty tournament in a 260 big blind pot.

Lee said “shocker” similar to how Melissa always said it. Perhaps she will re-evaluate saying it so much now. Kenny referred to himself in the third person, causing Wolf to suck his breath in. A bunch of dudes went to play handball with Rachel and a guy named Coach Tom. “Handball is a very physical sport,” Coach Tom said. “Handball is life.” “I don’t have Donald Trump hands, I have real hands,” Josiah joked. Alex made a nice move. Rachel threw like a girl. Peter appeared to grab Rachel’s breast before picking her up. Dean tied her shoes. Will made a great steal and score. Dean made a no-look pass. “I could have blocked most of these shots,” Wes said. The red team ended on a 11-1 run.

Kenny cried while talking to his daughter on FaceTime. Lee lifted weights in jeans and boots, then read books. Wes and I discussed going to Black Mountain Grill, igniting a conversation on cooking steaks between him and Wolf. Wes admitted he wasn’t very good at cooking steaks, which surprised Wolf, perhaps because Wes is a father from Alabama. Will and Alex had productive conversations with Rachel. Josiah told Rachel he thought she was the one for him. She told him he rarely asked questions about her while some ominous music played. “Draymond’s going home,” Nole said. Adam (the housemate, not the contestant) entered the room and gave us an unasked-for update on his WSOP fantasy team. Peter and Rachel went outside and made out in a hot tub. Will got the date rose.

Kenny, Lee and Rachel went for a helicopter ride to a place called Hobøl. “It’s just a fight to the death in the wilderness,” Nole said. Kenny spoke with Rachel and she noted his sincerity. Lee spoke with Rachel and she said “I know there are truths in what they are saying, and I feel like there are exaggerations in what they are saying. I don’t know who to believe at this point.” She was talking about Kenny and Lee, not Fox News and CNN. “This short stack southern piece of garbage…” Kenny started chortling. “Oh God. Oh God. Oh God oh God oh God, oh GOD, OH GOD. He just flat out lied. This f**ker is grasping at straws. Good f**kin’ lord. He will get washed under in a tide of realness that is Kenny,” he said and continued chortling.

Episode Six

I watched this one solo on my computer on Melissa's Hulu account. Kenny and Lee had an argument over whether or not Lee told Rachel that Lee pulled Kenny out of a van. “You garbage ****** ******** piece of ******” Kenny said. “Jesus loves you,” Lee responded. “You know what, Jesus don’t love you, cause you a piece of ****. I’m’a drag my **** across your grave, you son of a bitch, rotten piece of bas****. Eat **** and die,” Kenny said. Adam the housemate came out of his room, went to the bathroom and started vomiting loudly. I was watching on my computer with headphones so it wasn’t related to his distaste for the show. It was the second time in three days a housemate had vomited profusely. Poor Wolf had food poisoning a couple nights ago. Rachel said ha det to Lee and left him in the Norwegian wood (coincidentally one of Adam’s favorite songs). She didn’t give Kenny the rose, but allowed him to stay on the show. Kenny said one more slew of “Oh Gods”, had one final confrontation with Lee, then returned to Oslo with a tilted Rachel in the helicopter.  

Wolf doubled up with ace-king against queens near the bubble of the WSOP $1500. Kenny explained why he went back to confront Lee in a way that pleased Rachel so she gave him a rose. Then he Facetimed his daughter who was very cute and he cried.  

At the Rose Ceremony, Rachel got rid of an overconfident Josiah and a reserved Anthony, crippling our team and the defending champs. I imagined Big Eric Schwartz yelling “BAM!” when Adam and Alex got roses. Josiah made fun of both as well as Matt the Penguin on his way out.

They went to a hotel in Denmark. Eric and Rachel drank champagne on a boat. Rachel said she liked to drink beer, eat food and watch sports at bars, and wanted to have four kids. Eric said he wanted ten. They went hottubbing. A naked beer-swilling Dane stood up and yelled. They made out in the hot tub (Eric and Rachel, not the naked Dane and his beer. Actually, the latter couple probably did too.) At night they went to an amusement park called Tivoli. They drove bumper cars and played whack-a-mole before having a conversation at a dinner table with hamburgers which they didn’t appear to eat.

I resumed watching at 5 AM after going to Walmart to get a 9-volt battery for the smoke alarm which decided to start chirping during what Zack says is “the time when nothing good happens” (4-6 AM). Some guys rowed oars on a ship and yelled. Then they dressed up as “wykings” and yelled some more. They played some wrestling games in a circle and Kenny and Adam were declared winners. Their prize was a final battle in the circle. Kenny won. Both bled. They showed the shot of Kenny bleeding that had been repeatedly teased as a house fight in about seven trailers including the one last week pretending it was from a fight with Lee.

At night Rachel had conversations with the guys at a quiet club while I devoured leftover Chipotle. Her conversation with Kenny was bittersweet and culminated in her telling him “I think you should go home.” So he did. He FaceTimed his daughter from the hearse and cried. Peter got the group date rose.

Rachel and Will took “a boat to another country” in Will’s words. That other country was Sweden. It was pretty obvious Rachel was trying to check it off the list of Scandinavian countries since they’d been to Norway and Denmark and she’d gone to Finland with Nick V. They did a variety of activities including throwing sticks, eating dough, drinking coffee with old people, and standing awkwardly on top of a castle.

At night they went back to Copenhagen and Will told Rachel he typically dated white girls. He also told her he was physically passionate in relationships which backfired because Rachel felt like he hadn’t been that way with her. She got rid of him. Melissa noted he was sent home before eating his dinner and didn’t even get a to-go box.

Although Rachel cried at the Rose Ceremony, it was anticlimactic because it came down to Adam and Alex who were both on Eric Schwartz’s team. Rachel ousted Alex.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 32

1. Bryan - 11

2. Alex - 10

3. Adam - 10

4. Blake - 1

This shrewdly-drafted team appears ticketed for a title. Getting this deep with three players is impressive; the fact that one of them is Bryan the Frontrunner nearly seals it for Big Eric. 

Melissa & Tom - 24

1. Peter - 13

2. Josiah - 7

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

Could Peter win? Maybe. He seems to be trailing Bryan and Dean, but those two could potentially spring leaks down the stretch. Peter won't screw it up, but he'll need a skeleton to come out of Bryan's closet to upend him. The trailers don't hint at any upcoming bombshells, so a second or third place finish seems likely.

Julia & Paul - 23

1. Dean - 13

2. Anthony - 7

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1
I think Dean's season will be decent. I imagine a diverse cast of cougars and starf*ckers competing for his affections, and him wading through the muck with that consistent smile of his. The two-time defending champs have fallen eleven points back, so they'll need a major meltdown from the Colombian Chiropractor to have a shot. 

Andrea & Zack - 18

1. Eric - 12

2. Will - 7

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2

Eric breathed some life into this team before Will sucked it out on top of that castle. A fourth place finish for both Eric and this team appears likely.

Kelly & Phil - 18

1. Jack - 3

2. Matt - 9

3. Lee - 5

4. Blake - 1
When Matt the Penguin is your last hope, you know it's been a rough season. His departure is imminent, but he clawed out enough points for K&P to avoid a last-place finish.
 

Bri & Doug - 16

1. Kenny - 10

2. Iggy - 5

3. Diggy - 3

4. DeMario - -2

I gave Kenny minus three for "exiting the show prematurely and involuntarily." It could be argued his exit was voluntary, but he wasn't the one to suggest it. I looked back to see if this was the lowest scoring team in pool history. It is the lowest-scoring four-player team we've had if I got the points right. Certainly B&D took a bad beat with DeMario, but their other picks are hard to defend.

Episode Four

Synopsis

Melissa ran the dishwasher the night before we left Las Vegas and we discussed whether it would still be filled with clean dishes when I returned a week later, or if my three housemates would unload it by then. We both ended up betting the clean dishes would still be in there. When Bailey and I got back to the house after an 11-hour drive through northern New Mexico and Arizona, we found a stack of dirty dishes in the sink, the dishwasher full of the clean dishes Melissa had loaded, counters covered in soda cans and Starburst wrappers, and a toilet with a turd floating in it. I took Bailey out, turned on the Bachelorette, paused it, went to Zupas, came back and played the episode.

“My name is in your mouth!” Eric exclaimed to Lee. “That’s what makes me mad!" He continued to yell while I sipped on mushroom bisque. “You do you. I’m’a do me,” he said shortly after, pulling an entry straight out of the Corinne dictionary. Lee broke in on Kenny’s conversation with Rachel, rankling Kenny. Dean complained about Lee, calling him “a bitch” to the cameras. Brady struggled with the word “quirks”, confusing them with the subatomic particles “quarks.” Matt the Penguin made a rare appearance, bursting “whoaaaa!” when Kenny told him Lee had gotten double time with Rachel. Bryan made some nice moves but dropped a “one thousand percent” which is a pet peeve of mine cause nothing can be more than one hundred percent. Then he did his signature aggressive, wild kiss. Meanwhile, in Boulder, Melissa, Andrea and Zack discussed whether Bryce looked more like a chipmunk or a beaver. Kenny confronted Lee about taking his time and Rachel noticed while talking to a contestant I didn’t recognize. Lee called Kenny “Jesus.” Lee predictably got the last rose, while Diggy, Brady and Bryce were sent packing.

They went to Hilton Head. Dean and Rachel drove a jeep to Bluffton, which would be a great location for a PokerStars screenname. They drank champagne on the hood of the jeep while a blimp approached. During the commercial break I transferred trash from this recycle bin which Melissa had clearly labeled to the garbage can. 

Dean expressed fear about riding in the blimp. Rachel and Dean piloted the blimp with a joystick before making out. Then they trolled the guys, flying by their hotel while the blimp flashed a sign that said “Rachel & Dean 4 Eva.” At night they drank intriguing-looking cocktails at what may have been a plantation. Dean said religion and snowboarding was the foundation of his upbringing until his mother died of breast cancer. He smiled and cried. Andrea compared him to Nick for smiling inappropriately. Rachel held off on the tears because she didn’t want him to cry more, but shed a couple to the cameras. Then they went to a concert by someone named Russell Dickerson. Zack predicted a second-place finish for Dean. Andrea pulled up a picture of a young Indiana Jones to prove Dean looked like him, then divulged she used to kiss her pillow and pretend it was Indiana Jones, but wouldn't disclose how long ago this practice took place.

Rachel and a huge group of guys got on boat called The Vagabond and drank cocktails with giant plastic straws, surely tilting Andrea. They danced and did the limbo while Rachel wore a captain’s hat, reminding me of the Booze Cruise episode from The Office which I ranked as the 7th best in the show’s history. Josiah did twenty pushups with Rachel on his back. Kenny and Peter rapped. Then they held a Spelling Bee. Kenny missed “champagne” even though he later showed he knew it. Iggy died on “boudoir”. Eric was way off on “façade”. Peter missed “coitus”. They didn’t show some of the other bustouts. Josiah made a good "use it in a sentence" move with "stunning". Anthony missed “boutonniere” which I missed too and missed again typing up the blog. Will went out in second place on “physiological.” Josiah won it on “polyamorous” and then got polyamorous with the trophy he won. Later he drank his cocktail out of it.

Rachel and Peter talked about whether they would move from their homes. The Boulder crew noted that Peter not-so-subtly said Texas sucks and he would never in a million years live there.  Rachel revealed she was licensed to practice in Wisconsin and would move there. Eric had a successful conversation. Iggy, whose upper body had quickly recovered from last week’s bus-chucking, tossed Josiah under the bus. Once again, he immediately told the victim about his efforts. Once again, the victim was not pleased: Josiah told the cameras Iggy “does drugs and shoots steroids into his nuts.” 

Rachel confronted Lee about his shenanigans at the cocktail party. Lee called Kenny a “butthole” and a “220 pound *%$# ballerina” to the cameras. Kenny freestyled some more for Rachel before she asked him about Lee. He said a lot of stuff while I was distracted by Matt Viox (not SamENole Matt and not Matt from last episode’s blog, Matt who is PiMaster's brother) telling me he won $115k in fantasy baseball but I did manage to catch Kenny calling Lee "an alternative facts piece of garbage” and “a reptilian piece of garbage.” Then Adam (not Adam from the show, Adam the poker-playing housemate) came home and instantly launched into a bad beat story. The twist was the bad beat story was about a big dinner he just had with a bunch of his parents’ friends, not the $20k he lost playing poker earlier in the day. Kenny confronted Lee as some intense music crescendoed. “There’s a fight that’s gonna happen. Blood’s gonna be shed,” Alex said as the “TO BE CONTINUED” flashed across the screen. 

Standings

Julia & Paul - 17

1. Dean - 9

2. Anthony - 5

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1

Dean busted out a five-point episode on the strength of a group date and impressive one-on-one complete with crying. He's the most obvious Next Bachelor since I’ve been watching the show. The age gap may catch up to him in the final episodes, but that won’t be a problem when he’s doing the picking next season.

Andie & Eric - 16

1. Bryan - 4

2. Alex - 6

3. Adam - 5

4. Blake - 1

Alex and Adam have both somehow outscored Bryan to this point, which could be crucial down the stretch since Bryan has fallen five points behind Dean.

Melissa & Tom - 15

1. Peter - 6

2. Josiah - 5

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

Though we grabbed the last team standing bonus (a ruling which could change if anyone ever commented on this blog), we've since dropped below our competitors in players left. Josiah will have to outlast the Alexes, Adams and Anthonys of the world for us to have a shot.

Kelly & Phil - 14

1. Jack - 4

2. Matt - 4

3. Lee - 5

4. Blake - 1

Jack Stone continues to underwhelm, Matt isn't doing anything and Rachel hasn't shown much patience for villains. However, Stone has a one-on-one pending and could potentially pull a Whitney and make a late-season charge.

Andrea & Zack - 10

1. Eric - 6

2. Will - 5

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2

Andrea is apparently rooting for our team now. Welcome aboard the bandwagon!

Bri & Doug - 9

1. Kenny - 5

2. Iggy - 4

3. Diggy - 2

4. DeMario - -2

Kenny, Iggy and Diggy have a better shot of turning up in a nursery rhyme parody than Fantasy Suites. The good news for B&D is Bachelor in Paradise is set to resume filming after producers were exonerated in the Corinne/DeMario scandal.

Episode Three

Synopsis

Melissa, Bailey and I arrived in Vegas just in time to grab some Zupas and figure out the TV at our WSOP rental house before the third episode of The Bachelorette began. We didn't even unpack the Prius. DeMario tried to get back on the show. Rachel wouldn’t let him.

At the cocktail party, The Tickle Monster broke out a pair of gigantic cushion-hands. Alex broke out a Rubik's cube. Kenny broke out pictures of his daughter. Will broke out a mini basketball & hoop. Blake complained some more about Whaaabooom. Whaaabooom speculated that it was because Blake actually had a crush on him, claiming Blake stood over him eating a banana while he was sleeping. Blake told Rachel that was impossible because he didn’t eat carbs. They jammed a second set of commercials in at the 16-minute mark.

At the rose ceremony, Blake said it would be “a classic case of bad defeating good” if Whaaabooom got a rose over him. Our housemate Matt (not SamENole who is a different Matt) asked me about the hand that decimated his stack in the Colossus. We had a 10-minute discussion about the hand while Melissa Instagrammed. “If Lucas gets a rose, another little piece of me dies,” Blake said. “I am very confident I am going to get a rose, because I deserve it." Rachel got rid of both Blake and Whaaabooom along with someone named Jamey. “He lives in my town. I can’t get rid of him,” Blake said. “You live in L.A.,” I said.

Blake came up to Whaaabooom and put his arm around him. “I just wanna say, f*** you bro, you’re a piece of s***, you’re here for the wrong reasons, I got drug into your bulls***, I see right through you, I know why you’re here, and it kills me,“ Blake said. Whaaabooom made fun of him. Blake continued his tirade with some fake whaaaboooms. The argument degenerated into them shhhing each other. “Graceful exit for both of these guys,” Matt said.

Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, Fred and Rachel went to see Ellen Degeneres, which enthused Melissa. For the first time I realized Ellen’s last name started with “Degen”. Ellen tickled the Tickle Monster. Rachel and the guys went on the show. The Tickle Monster was surprised to learn someone had kissed Rachel already. “Maybe it was a kiss on the cheek,” he wondered hopefully. “It wasn’t,” Melissa said.

I looked up and the guys had their shirts off and were dancing in the crowd getting dollar bills stuffed in their pants by the audience. Alex twerked. “I think that guy’s done that before,” Matt speculated. “I think he lied about his profession.” They played Never Have I Ever. Alex admitted he’d peed in the pool at the mansion. Three guys said they’d texted a nude photo, including Alex. “It was classy,” he said. “Yeah. Like his dancing,” Matt said. Fred said he’d dated someone twice his age, which didn’t surprise Rachel.

They went to a loft to drink. Alex, who Matt was now referring to as “The Pool-Pee-er”, told Rachel some stuff about eye movement that would be useful for poker players before making out with her. Fred asked Rachel if he could kiss her, which made her feel awkward. Then he made out with her, but we all agreed it was what Matt called a “dismissive kiss.” Moments later Rachel got rid of Fred. We had a discussion about whether he cried. “His eyes were sparkling!” Matt said. “Squeeze it out!” Melissa exclaimed. Alex got the date rose. We didn't give Fred a point for crying.

While fast-forwarding through the 6^th commercial break, Matt said he didn’t like the women in L.A. because they were too skinny, and many didn’t look right because of their “augmentation.” Melissa told a yoga story about a woman whose fake boobs looked weird when she laid down. Anthony and Rachel rode horses down Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills where Melissa and I went a couple months ago. We also just watched the movie Beverly Hills Cop which mostly takes place there. They rode the horses into a store and shopped for boots. Matt was convinced at least one of the horses pooped in the store, but they didn’t show it. But they did show the horse’s poop in the next store where they went. They blurred the horse poop for some reason. “Some poor intern had to clean that up,” Melissa said. “Who’s the lowest man on the totem pole?"

Anthony and Rachel danced in front of a jazz quartet. Bailey gave me the “please can I get on the couch?” look for a third time. I didn’t know if he could so he had to stay on the floor. Eric had a bit of a meltdown. Rachel came into the house with some girls from the last season, including a sober-looking Raven. They got on a bus with a pole in it. Several of the guys danced with the pole. Raven asked Bryce and Lee who was there for the wrong reasons and they both immediately threw Eric under the bus (not the bus with the pole in it, the figurative bus).

They went mud wrestling. Kenny the professional wrestler talked a lot of trash, then lost to Bryce. Kenny told Rachel he used to be a Chippendales dancer in Vegas, then ripped his shirt off and danced for her. Rachel told Eric that Bryce and Lee threw him under the bus. Eric confronted them about it. Then he got the date rose.

At the cocktail party, Rachel appeared to drink beer out of a cocktail glass, impressing me and Melissa. Iggy had a conversation with Rachel about Eric, followed by a conversation with Eric recounting his conversation with Rachel. Eric then had a conversation with Rachel recounting his conversation with Iggy. Then Eric had a conversation with all of the guys about Eric.

Standings

Andie & Eric - 11

1. Bryan - 2

2. Alex - 5

3. Adam - 3

4. Blake - 1

Alex is the key guy here. If he can outscore the other second-round picks (all drafted before him), this team will go places. Bryan remains the frontrunner.

Melissa & Tom - 11

1. Peter - 4

2. Josiah - 3

3. Fred - -1

4. Bryce - 2
+3 last team standing bonus

We snagged the bonus simply by spotting an accidental spoiler on DeMario and avoiding Blake. Bryce defeated a professional wrestler at wrestling and still didn't win the date rose, so he'll be out soon.

Julia & Paul - 11

1. Dean - 4

2. Anthony - 4

3. Brady - 2

4. Blake - 1

Anthony's date with Rachel was blah and used up most of the clips of him shown in the trailer, so he's looking like an 8th place sort of fellow. Brady's Zoolander impression at the end of the show was too "accurate" for him to last much longer. It will be a surprise if he's still around half an hour into next week's show. It's all about Dean for the 2x defending champs - but Dean is going to score a lot of points.

Kelly & Phil - 9

1. Jack - 3

2. Matt - 2

3. Lee - 3

4. Blake - 1

Jack Stone has been a major disappointment thus far. Will he step it up? Matt the Penguin was invisible this episode - I had to check to see if we missed him busting out of the Rose Ceremony near the beginning of the show. Lee's descent into darkness has begun. He may do some damage on his way out though.

Andrea & Zack - 7

1. Eric - 5

2. Will - 3

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2

This is a bad team, but it is better than A to Z's pitiful Survivor squad. Eric is standing on shaky ground. Will is likable but hasn't gotten enough screen time to be taken seriously.

Bri & Doug - 5

1. Kenny - 3

2. Iggy - 2

3. Diggy - 2

4. DeMario - -2

Nothing to see here. DeMario was a bad beat that we could do something about, but his dismissal won't matter. Neither team that chose him has a chance.

Episode One, The Draft & Episode Two

Synopsis

Episode One

They took a lot of photos of Rachel in a red dress with red roses in front of a white backdrop that I’ll be using in this blog over the next couple months. Rachel showed off her basketball skills in Dallas before going to L.A. with an injured dog. There were vignettes for a professional wrestler with a cute daughter, a Dallas lawyer with a dog named Jack Stone (the lawyer, not the dog), a meathead coder from Michigan, a young startup guy, a silly “whaboom” who looked like Josh Ritter, a meathead who kept talking about sex, a handsome guy named Diggy and a prosecutor from Florida whose brother hung himself.

Rachel drove a Tesla (which excited Melissa and me) to hang out with a bunch of her competitors from the last season, including a stoned-looking Raven. Melissa liked the dress Rachel wore to the wet driveway. My notes on the contestants as they came out:

Peter – Wisconsin business owner

Josiah – FL prosecutor brother hung himself

Bryan – Colombian chiropractor

Kenny – Professional wrestler

Rob – Law student not handsome

Iggy – Consulting CEO not handsome

Bryce – Firefighter

Will – Good slipping joke

Diggy – handsome & good

Kyle – marketing bun & cheese joke

Blake K – Marine not handsome

Brady – model icebreaker joke

Dean – want to go black never go back. too young

Eric – personal trainer dance

DeMario – elope tickets guy

Blake E – “never date a snare player” – Melissa (meathead sex guy)

Fred – Dallas went to same middle school “very bad kid”

Jonathan – “very large nose” – Melissa (Tickle Monster)

Lee – obligatory singer/songwriter from Nashville

Alex – vacuum prop

Milton – polaroid prop

Adam – Dallas real estate ventriloquist prop

Matt – penguin

Grant? – emergency physician

Anthony – education software Chicago

Jamey – Santa Monica sales exec

Jack – Stone

Mohit – young startup guy

Jedidiah – ER physician

Michael – former pro basketball player

Lucas – whaboom

Someone said it was a diverse group, but most of the guys were from Los Angeles. Josiah grabbed Rachel first. The Colombian Chiropractor made a good impression and aggressively made out with her. Bailey did a whaboom. DeMario talked a lot and talked himself up a lot. Mohit struggled to find time to talk with Rachel and struggled with alcohol. The whaboom guy made a lot of noise and juggled, enraging the aspiring drummer. “I think everyone has a little whaboom in them,” the whaboom guy said. “I have no whaboom in me,” the aspiring drummer said. “I will reavaluate life itself [if whaboom guy gets a rose],” someone said. The Colombian Chiropractor got the First Impression Rose and aggressively made out with Rachel again.

At the dawn Rose Ceremony, Rachel filtered out one of the guys who wasn’t handsome, the marine, the pink tie, a few they didn’t even show closely enough to tell who they were (one turned out to be Mohit), and Milton, who cried because he’d bought so many expensive outfits to wear on the show only to be beaten by whaboom and a guy in a penguin costume.

The Draft

1. A&E - Bryan
2. B&D - Kenny
3. K&P - Jack
4. A&Z - Eric
5. M&T - Peter
6. J&P - Dean
7. J&P - Anthony
8. M&T - Josiah
9. A&Z - Will
10. K&P - Matt
11. B&D - Iggy
12. A&E - Alex
13. A&E - Adam
14. B&D - Diggy
15. K&P - Lee
16. A&Z - Jamey
17. M&T - Fred
18. J&P - Brady

Dreg Picks

A&E: Blake
B&D: DeMario

K&P: Blake

A&Z: DeMario

M&T: Bryce
J&P: Blake

Superdregs (unpicked)
Jonathan

Lucas

Episode Two

Melissa learned how hard it is to set up a proper list of the teams on a dry-erase board (it really is) as the dudes told Chris Harrison how good Rachel smelled. Some guys went on a group date in a grassy park. A shot of Rachel grilling dead animal flesh inspired Melissa to ask if it would elicit a dead animal comment from me in the blog. The guys played touch football. Whaaaboooom blew an easy catch, leading to a pick-six. “Lucas is garbage,” Blake said. “The one person who could ruin this for him is me. And I’m going to.”

 

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis came by to explain an obstacle course that was supposed to mimic house chores with an infant represented by a doll. Ashton said he didn’t think Rachel’s husband was in the group, then said he “knew on day one” Mila would be his wife – conveniently forgetting he was married to Demi Moore for six years in between meeting Mila and dating and marrying her. Whaaaboooom dunked his baby in the water repeatedly before stiff-arming Kenny, winning the race, spiking his baby into the ground and whaaabooooming. “I don’t even know what that was,” Ashton said.

They went to a warehouse/bar/restaurant/vintage sign gallery/arcade/lodge. Whaaaboooom read Rachel a poem. “I am having a very hard time seeing you past the kid who used to be in summer camp,” Rachel told Fred. “You always remember the bad ones. You were bad.” A guy we couldn’t identify weakly complimented Rachel and I decided to call him “Poor Man’s Bryan” from then on. Melissa observed how heavily Iggy was sweating. Blake dropped the first “right reasons” of the season in regards to Whaaaboooom and told Rachel he was roommates with Whaaaboooom’s ex. It was unclear if that was a lie. “I’m already sick of the drama,” Melissa sighed. Bailey began doing his gyration-snoring thing. “If y’all want to get on a merry-go-round, take your asses to Santa Monica and get on the merry-go-round,” Kenny said. Melissa and I are planning to take our asses to Santa Monica on Friday and get on the roller coaster. Dean got the date rose and made out with Rachel, spurring the 2x defending champs to an early lead.

Peter drove with Rachel in a Tesla to an airport where they met Rachel’s dog Copper, who arrived in a limousine. They flew in a small plane to Palm Springs, erasing the good environmental karma they’d gained by driving the Tesla. They went to “Barkfest”, a pool party with dogs. The date appeared to go well, which was good news for Melissa and me. “Right now, Peter is blowing my mind,” Rachel said before barking. Bailey didn’t wake. Peter told Rachel he’d gone to a relationship therapist and Rachel said she’d done the same. It was unclear if Dr. Kelly Sonnenfeld was one of the therapists. Peter got the date rose and made out with Rachel. “It does look like he’s a good kisser,” Melissa said. “Damn.”

A bunch of dudes went to play basketball with Rachel and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. DeMario was excited to play and Josiah was excited about Rachel’s appearance. “She had on some legging-tights that fit her body like a Coca-Cola bottle,” he raved. Josiah, Lee, and someone with a blue shirt and mini-ponytail were bad. DeMario dunked on Rachel. They played a game in front of lot of people including a marching band. Melissa spotted a sousaphone and did a fistpump. #4 made a slick behind-the-back assist which I rewound and watched twice to try to figure out who it was (and also cause it was a sweet play). DeMario was good, but his team (which also had the unidentified behind-the-back passer) lost.

A woman named Lexie showed up and said she’d been dating DeMario right up until he’d gone on the show without even breaking up with her. There was a breakneck three-way conversation filled with accusations and arguing wherein DeMario said “correct” half a dozen times. It culminated in Lexie breaking out a cell phone to show Rachel incriminating text messages. “You’re literally a piece of trash,” Lexie said to DeMario. “I’m really gonna need you to get the f___ out,” Rachel said. DeMario got the f___ out.

Josiah capitalized on DeMario’s downfall by acting hurt and protective, resulting in a makeout with Rachel. Alex sung her an “old Russian folk song about dark eyes” and got her to laugh loudly. Eric won Melissa’s approval by asking Rachel about her love languages before making out with her (Rachel, not Melissa). Josiah got the date rose, perhaps because he used the phrase “alterior motives” in place of “right reasons.” DeMario interrupted the cocktail party to try to talk to Rachel. “I’m gonna whoop DeMario’s ass,” Kenny stated.

Standings

Melissa & Tom - 7

1. Peter - 3

2. Josiah - 3

3. Fred - 1

4. Bryce - 0

It was a pleasing first episode for us after I declared "I hate our team already" two picks in. Peter looks to be in line for a deep run after an excellent first date while Josiah was able to snag a quick group date rose. But here's the thing - we would have DeMario on our team if I hadn't seen that spoiler mentioned in the draft thread, and it probably would have been with our third round draft pick. I don't know what to do here. If DeMario winds up at -2, which he likely will, it's unfair to Bri & Doug and Andrea & Zack having not seen the spoiler. Did anyone else see it? I can't believe y'all would have picked Blake over DeMario if you didn't know something was up. What should we do? 

Julia & Paul - 4

1. Dean - 3

2. Anthony - 0

3. Brady - 0

4. Blake - 1

Dean planted himself firmly in the First Tier, despite his youth. He got a lot of facetime in the big preview trailer and will be going deep. Anthony's early donut is nothing to worry about, as that likely means he'll get a one-on-one as early as next week. I'm not sure who Brady is and Blake is a douche.

Kelly & Phil - 4

1. Jack - 1

2. Matt - 1

3. Lee - 1

4. Blake - 1

Discouraging episode for Jack Stone, who failed to distinguish himself from the pack of white dudes with the same hair & facial hair. It appears Lee is going to start rankling feathers next week, while Blake is a douche.

Andie & Eric - 3

1. Bryan - 0

2. Alex - 1

3. Adam - 1

4. Blake - 1

Bryan will be going on a one-on-one next week and remains The Frontrunner. Alex & Adam are part of that indistinguishable group of dudes with the same hair & facial hair. Blake is a douche.

Andrea & Zack - 1

1. Eric - 1

2. Will - 1

3. Jamey - 1

4. DeMario - -2

Eric seems likable, but hasn't yet joined the First Tier. Is there any chance DeMario finagles his way back on in the next episode? I doubt it. This looks like the typical Bachelor "cliffhanger" inconsequentially resolved in the first five minutes of the next episode.

Bri & Doug - 1

1. Kenny - 1

2. Iggy - 1

3. Diggy - 1

4. DeMario - -2

I want to make fun of this team because I thought Kenny was an awful pick at #2 overall. But he seems like a good fellow, as do Iggy & Diggy. The DeMario debacle was unfair. We've got to find a solution other than these teams just losing two points.

Fantasy Suites, The Women Tell All, Finale, & After The Final Rose

Synopsis

Fantasy Suites

They went to some viewing parties. One of them had a woman in a shark costume. Andi came by. “What the f**k is she doing here now?” Nick wondered. It appeared she was there to find out if Nick was going to have sex with anyone in fantasy suites. He didn’t speculate. At the rose ceremony Nick dumped Corinne, who cried instantaneously and voraciously. 

They went to Finland. “This is the most northern place I have ever been,” Nick said before walking around in a warm jacket in the snow. I complained to Melissa about Kevin Durant’s injury, which cost us five figures on DraftKings. Melissa didn’t seem to mind. Nick called Raven “the perfect combination of salty and sweet,” which is false because that’s actually Talenti Sea Salt & Caramel gelato which Andrea introduced us to. Then they drank a brown liquor which may have been Jagermeister, then a mysterious blue liquid. Raven agreed to fold clothes if Nick cooked. Then she expressed some trepidation over the upcoming night in the fantasy suite, revealing she’d had sex with only one person and had never had an orgasm.

Raven drank a lot of wine at dinner and told Nick she loved him. “From Nick’s reaction, I feel like he does love me,” she said. “They always think that,” I said. She also told him she’d never had an orgasm before. Nick closed the show by chopping wood and holding it over his head.

"I will say this – Nick is pretty good at what he does,” Raven divulged the morning after. “So I’m pretty satisfied today.” Meanwhile, her ex fashioned a noose in an Arkansas basement. Raven did parkour and snow angels.

Rachel likened Finland to Narnia and said she had “no idea what cross-country skiing is” before doing it. She fell down repeatedly. “That was me, in Vermont, like a thousand times,” Melissa said. They hung out with some reindeer and sipped a warm beverage out of wooden cups. “My deodorant smells really good,” Melissa announced. “Want to smell it?” I did. I didn’t smell anything in particular, so I said it was doing good. The reindeer took them on a sleigh ride while they made out.

For some reason Rachel wore what Melissa called “a belly shirt” exposing her abdomen to the Finnish elements. Rachel told Nick she was falling in love with him while I looked at what went wrong on FanDuel. “That was big!” Melissa exclaimed. “Write that down.” Nick and Rachel spent the night in the fantasy suite. In the morning Nick made eggs and Rachel wore penguin pajamas.

Vanessa was up next. “I love it here!” she exclaimed. “Says the Canadian,” Melissa added. “Our physical relationship has always been hot and steamy,” Nick said. So he decided to repeatedly jump into freezing cold water in swimsuits with her “to cool things down.” “He has a really good body,” Melissa noted. I agreed. “He works really hard on it,” I said. “But he’s always drinking. I don’t get it.” “He never eats,” Melissa said. “Except for that bite of Rachel’s egg he just had.” That wasn’t innuendo. He really did eat Rachel’s egg.

Nick and Vanessa had a conversation in a Finnish yurt which culminated in her telling Nick she was in love with him and me entering a dummy DraftKings lineup for the next day. They spent the night naked in the yurt. “My relationship with Nick is probably the best relationship I’ve ever had,” Vanessa said. “What exactly has she been doing with her life?” I wondered. “Maybe Canadian men aren’t good,” Melissa said. “My experience with them has not been good. 100% of the Canadian men I’ve dated have not been good.” Vanessa cried and Melissa said she didn’t like her dress because of “the boob part.” Nick got rid of Rachel at the rose ceremony. She cried a lot and her mascara smeared.

The Women Tell All

Some girls complained about each other. They gave Liz credit for building wells in Africa. Melissa and I didn't pay much attention. I forgot if this "episode" happened in between fantasy suites or after cause I didn't write it down.

Finale

Chris Harrison hyped the finale, dropping “historic”, “extraordinary” and “something that has never happened before in Bachelor history.” They went to Rovaniemi near the Arctic Circle. Nick said Santa Claus lived there. I thought he lived on the North Pole. Nick's family gathered in a house. Nick’s sister Bella and Nick’s mom, popular recurring characters on the show, were at the house. Nick’s dad Chris was there as well. Raven showed up. Bella asked Raven if she loved Nick and she said yes. “So far I really like you,” Bella said. “I feel really great about my and Nick’s relationship,” Raven told the parents.

Raven and Nick’s mom and then Nick and Nick’s mom had long boring conversations while I antisweated DFS. Antisweating is where you want players to do bad because you will lose money if they do good. Vanessa came over. She talked to Nick’s mom. Nick’s dad told Nick “You haven’t a lot of success” with women. Then he cried while talking to Vanessa, causing her to cry. “Vanessa really convinced me that she loved him,” Nick’s dad said.

Nick talked with his parents. His mom quickly started crying. The Clippers pushed their lead over the Knicks to 14, raising the possibility of a blowout and the starters only playing three quarters which would be excellent. Nick and Vanessa went for a walk in the snow. “Here we are. Got some Nordic traditions,” Nick said. They rode some horses up a hill. “It’s a dream,” Nick said. “It’s literally wow.” They went and hung out with Santa Claus in a wooden cabin. Then they sat around a fire outside and had a boring conversation as the Knicks got within 10 at halftime.

"There’s just something that’s not sitting right,” Vanessa said before crying. “Do you think you’re ready to propose?” Vanessa asked. “I think the week’s not over,” Nick said. “See I don’t like that answer,” Vanessa said. “I know you don’t like that answer,” Nick said. “I don’t want you to give me an answer just because it’s the answer I want to hear,” Vanessa said. Nick said some things to calm her down which sort of worked but it was hard to tell because she kept crying but also kissed him.

Nick and Raven went ice skating while a Sixpence None The Richer song played. “They have such great chemistry!” Melissa exclaimed. “I think it just looks that way when they’re moving around and nice music is playing,” I said. They made out while lying down on the ice. Then they sipped tea out of wooden cups while talking next to a fire. Nick went and got some puppies. Then they went to a place called Ounasvaara Chalets. Like he did with Vanessa, Nick told Raven he liked her a lot but also liked the other one. A Derrick Rose team threatened our top standing in the 42,000 player Layup on FanDuel but the Clippers pushed the lead to 23, but then I realized that was because Chris Paul was crushing and now a team with him was behind us by just 3 fantasy points.

Nick toked a fire while contemplating which woman to choose. He sipped something out of a teacup and stared deep into the fire. Neil the Ring Guy came to see him. “Finally doing it, huh?” Neil asked. “We’ll see,” Nick said. “I just hope this one works,” Neil said. Vanessa cried yet again while looking out a window. She put on high heels and a fur coat or “half of a jacket,” as Melissa called it. Raven said she had been looking for a man like Nick for her “entire adult life” which Melissa noted was six years at most. We dropped out of the lead in the 42,000 player Layup but maintained the lead in the 7,000 player Slam at the end of the 3rd quarter with the Clippers up 25, meaning the starters could potentially sit the rest of the way.

Raven came to a cabin where Nick was waiting and told him she loved him. He laughed. Then he told her he didn’t think he was in love with her and wept. Bailey twitched as he dreamed. Raven cried, hugged Nick, and walked outside into the freezing Finnish air with her arms fully exposed to a howling wind. She escaped the elements in the black hearse.

The show brought one final sweat as Nick announced he was going to ask Vanessa to marry him, raising the possibility that she could reject him and A to Z could win the pool thanks to a rule we put in for the purpose of making these moments sweaty. Speaking of sweaty the Knicks backups cut the lead to 18 early in the 4^th quarter. Vanessa came to the cabin. “So much of me being here has to do with my past, but when I look at you all I see is my future,” Nick said. Melissa thought it was a really good line. Nick proposed to Vanessa and she said yes. 

After The Final Rose

“Fourth time’s a charm,” Chris Harrison said to Nick. “It’s been a long journey,” Nick admitted. Raven came out to talk to Nick. Chris Harrison described Raven as “stoic” for a second time. Raven also described herself as stoic. Nick then noted Raven was stoic. The Knicks cut it to 8 with a minute and a half left but Doc Rivers kept the Clippers starters on the bench. Bless him. We won the Slam on FanDuel and had our biggest winning night of the season. Vanessa came on and referred to things as “challenging” several times. She said she didn’t watch the Fantasy Suites episode. They did the usual schpiel about being excited to start a normal relationship. “Are you guys gonna get married?” Chris Harrison asked. “We’re taking baby steps,” Vanessa said. “We’re still in the process of getting to know each other.”

Rachel came on. “You look like a woman ready to find love,” Chris Harrison said. Harrison revealed “an epic surprise” of some guys that would be on the next Bachelorette with her. The first guy DeMario said they could elope to Vegas right then. The next guy Blake told her she looked good and smelled good. Harrison pointlessly interrupted for a bit before the third guy Dean came in. “I’m ready to go black, and I’m never gonna go back,” he said. The fourth guy danced with her while saying “eyyy.” Harrison interrupted again and said that was it for the night.

Final Standings

Julia & Paul - 60
Raven - 31
Jasmine - 9
Whitney - 9
Jaimi - 8
+3 last team standing bonus
Owned.

Melissa & Tom - 37

Rachel - 27

Taylor - 5

Liz - -1

Josephine - 6

I'm looking forward to Rachel's season. I said the same of Andi & Kaitlyn's seasons only to be disappointed. But Rachel should be good, right? I keep thinking about bailing out on the show and they keep reeling me back in with my favorite contestants. Whereas with Survivor I never think about bailing out on the show and they keep upping the ante with my favorite contestants. How good is Survivor?

Andrea & Zack - 36

Vanessa - 34

Lacey - 1

Elizabeth - 1

Vanessa won. A to Z did not. Was it because they didn't make a fourth round pick? No. It was because Julia & Paul found four contestants with staying power including the eventual runner-up and obliterated everyone in their tracks. However, A to Z would have gotten second place if they had taken chalky Astrid as a fourth round pick (or Jaimi or Josephine).

Kelly & Phil - 32

Corinne - 21

Christen - 4

Hailey - 2

Astrid - 5

Bri & Doug - 31

Danielle L - 10

Sarah - 6

Kristina - 10

Astrid - 5

Andie & Eric - 28

Danielle M - 11

Alexis - 8

Brittany - 4

Astrid - 5
Fortunately for Eric Schwartz, Cate Hall beat Mike Dentale heads up, so the week wasn't a total disaster.

Episode Six, Episode Seven & Hometowns

Synopsis

Episode Six

The first night after Melissa returned from the Philippines we watched The Bachelor on my sister’s old bed at my parents’ house. We watched Taylor and Corinne have a boring conversation for a couple minutes before realizing we’d already seen that boring conversation at Bri & Doug’s house and Melissa had booted up the wrong episode. She booted up the correct one wherein Taylor told Nick that Corinne was a disrespectful liar. It didn’t work. It reminded me of people trying to change the minds of Trump supporters. “I want you to open your eyeballs,” Taylor said, "and let your aqueous humor spill out,” Nurse Melissa finished. “What I learned tonight is that cats have nine lives, and bitches have two,” Corinne said.

Melissa paused the episode to tell me about a bathroom in the Philippines that had a giant toad living next to the toilet. They skipped the cocktail party and went straight to an outdoor rose ceremony. Nick got rid of Josephine AKA “John Elway”, Alexis AKA “Funny Girl” AKA “Dolphark”, and Jaimi AKA “Iridiscent Purple Lipstick." “I never cry,” Alexis lied while crying. Jaimi also cried.

They went to St. Thomas. The school down the road from my college was called St. Thomas. This was a different St. Thomas. It had beaches and planes. Kristina and Nick flew on one of the planes. Jasmine started crying. Kristina told Nick she was from a huge family. Corinne expressed gratitude and happiness for the maid at the hotel. Kristina told Nick she ate lipstick as a kid, then started living in an orphanage, and then her mom died and then she moved to the U.S. She and Nick both cried.

Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M and Jasmine went on a catamaran which passed by a pirate ship. They went to a beach and played cornhole. Rachel sunk it on her first shot. They took shots of something. They played beach volleyball. Corinne didn’t like it. Rachel made some good serves. Then Rachel got upset. Vanessa cried. Danielle M. cried. Jasmine cried as well. “What was in the alcohol they had?” Melissa asked. “Today was pretty much a disaster. It almost feels like a wasted day,” Nick lamented.

Rachel expressed concern over the process of the show. Nick vaguely reassured her. “I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I think something great can happen,” Nick said. Jasmine talked a lot to the girls and to the cameras. “Jazz seems to have taken a turn to the emotional side,” Raven understated. Jasmine questioned Nick about his lack of expressed interest in her. Nick deflected the questions until Jasmine started crying. She went on a downward spiral that finally hit bottom in a weird spat of choking and cursing. “It might be time to say goodbye,” Nick said and walked her out to the hearse SUV. She cried again in the hearse. “Today did not go as I had hoped,” Nick said. “And tonight was not much better.”

Rachel, Raven and Kristina slept together in a bed. “Is Bachelor so cheap that they have to go three to a bed?” Melissa wondered. Danielle L and Whitney went on a 2-on-1 date. They flew in a helicopter to an elegant bed set up on the beach. There was no one sleeping in it, so apparently production values had increased. Whitney attempted a conversation with Nick. “Do you think her chances would be better if she did pilates on the beach?” Melissa asked. “Yes,” I said. Danielle L then attempted a conversation with Nick. Melissa said Whitney was “sneaky-pretty.” I said Danielle L was the prettiest one. Nick got rid of Whitney. He said something and hugged her but I don’t know what he said because Melissa was saying he said “please get off my island.” In reality they left her on the island. They flew off in a helicopter, leaving her to weep on the beach. “Should have done pilates,” Melissa said.

Nick took Danielle L down into a cellar. They found a quote on a wall that said “Love is Maybe Forever.” They went outside and had dinner while Melissa checked Instagram. I listened to their boring conversation for a minute before checking DFS. It wasn’t going well. By the time I got back to the conversation things had deteriorated to where Nick was frowning a lot. “I am falling in love with you,” Danielle L said. Nick’s frown deepened. He grabbed her hand. Then he got rid of her. “They’re dropping like flies this episode,” Melissa said. Danielle L wept in the hearse.

Nick came into the girls’ hotel room and started crying. He tried to explain that he was worried all his relationships with all the girls would deteriorate. “I don’t know if I can keep doing this,” he said and walked out of the room. Raven cried a bit. Corinne cried. Rachel cried as well.

Episode Seven

Nick and Chris Harrison had a conversation on a beach. Harrison wore jeans and no shoes. Nick expressed fear over finding a partner. Vanessa expressed fear as well, and shed tears. Nick finished his conversation with Harrison and went back to the girls’ hotel room again. After a dramatic pause for commercial, he told the girls he wanted to eventually get with one of them. He cancelled the cocktail party and rose ceremony to go to a place called Bimini. Raven said it was the most beautiful place she’d ever been, which made me feel sorry for her.

“I’ve never been on a boat before,” Vanessa announced before getting on a big white boat with Nick. They went snorkeling at the ruins of an old ship. At night they had dinner at a place called Big John’s. Vanessa told Nick she was falling in love with him. They made out, but Nick didn’t say he loved her.

Corinne called herself “the queen of group dates’ before going on one with Nick, Kristina and Raven. Corinne stripped down to her bathing suit. Kristina and Raven decided to fight fire with fire. Nick announced they’d be swimming with sharks. “You can die,” Kristina worried. Raven optimistically thought she’d get the date rose if sharks ate Corinne and Kristina. They snorkeled and saw a shark. Kristina got scared and went back in the boat. The others soon followed and they drank champagne. 

At night they sat on outdoor couches at a resort and talked. Corinne ate cheese. “We have the same coping mechanism,” Melissa observed. Raven started to tell Nick a sad story about her dad having lung cancer before the Hulu feed went out. Melissa fixed it and Raven finished the story. It wasn’t sad after all, but it was enough to get the date rose. “I’m go-in to Hawk-see…with Nick,” Raven said slowly. Melissa made fun of how slowly she spoke. Then they listened to Adam Friedman play music, which was weird because we know Adam Friedman and he has red hair and doesn’t play music. 

Corinne talked about herself in the third person, which annoyed Melissa. Fortunately I stopped doing that before I met her. The remaining Danielle went bicycling, shopping and eating with Nick. They also played basketball with some kids. Then they drank something out of what Melissa called “master koozies” while struggling to maintain a conversation. “You’re fun to have fun with,” Nick said. Hulu went down again so we stopped watching for the evening.
 
Danielle told Nick she really liked him. Nick thought about it and dumped her. They both cried. Corinne went to Nick’s hotel room and drank with him. “I know how to make a man feel good,” Corinne said. “My heart is gold, but my vagine is platinum.” She took him behind a closed door and tried to seduce him. It didn’t work.

Nick and Rachel got giant koozies at a small bar. Melissa wondered if the giant koozies were so they didn’t have to worry about product placement. They further hyped Nick’s impending visit with Rachel’s intimidating father Sam. “I’ve never brought home a white guy,” Rachel said. “They will be skeptical and they will ask questions.” They talked to the bar owner for a bit, then made out on the edge of a pier.

I talked over a sterile Chris Harrison interview with Nick. Melissa rewinded it to hear what they were saying. “I know what you’re about to do,” Harrison said. “It’s a necessary evil. It has to happen.” Nick got rid of Kristina. They both cried. “Let’s be honest,” I said. “Nick was never going with a dental hygienist from Kentucky. Shouldn’t have bothered.” Melissa was happy about it because it meant Corinne’s maid Racquel would likely be on the show. 

Hometowns

We chose to spend our second night in Hermosa Beach watching The Bachelor. I was overjoyed to finally be back to watching on DVR, cutting the show down around a reasonable one hour chunk of time. Nick gave the four remaining girls roses at their hotel room. They started hometowns with Raven. “Ehhh, Hoxie first,” Melissa groaned. “Get it out of the way.” Raven took Nick to a grain bin. A cop pretended to bust them before revealing he was Raven’s brother. Nick and Raven then drove some four-wheelers through the mud before Nick took his shirt off and bent Raven down in the swamp.

Next they went to a ranch house to meet Raven’s parents and brother. They told Raven her dad was now cancer-free and she cried. The dad talked with Raven on the back porch. “Are we dealing with chemo or male pattern baldness?” I wondered in regards to the dad. “A little of both,” Melissa thought. Then the mom talked to Raven on a bed. “I thought he was going to be kind of arrogant,” Raven said. “That’s what I thought,” the mom said. Nick and the dad talked on the back porch. “I didn’t expect to like you,” the dad said. Raven resolved to tell Nick she loved him, but all she could manage was “I think I should tell you that there is no hesitation on my end of what becomes of this.”

Next Nick went to Dallas. He went to church with Rachel. It was a predominantly black church. “This is a little different than my church at home,” Nick said. “That’s because it’s not a bar,” Melissa said. The much-hyped visit with Rachel’s intimidating dad didn’t happen because of “work obligations.” Instead Nick met her mom, sisters, and a white guy married to one of the sisters. “You don’t need to have black skin, but you need to have thick skin,” Rachel said. Nick didn’t know what okra was.

Nick then went shopping with Corinne. Melissa and I both noted how Corinne had been less annoying recently. Nick tried on $800 sweatpants and Bailey let out a crippling fart that immobilized Melissa for a couple minutes. Corinne told Nick she loved him. Nick met Corinne’s mom, dad, sister and nanny Racquel. They ate some gigantic olives that excited me. Corinne’s dad washed his wine down with scotch and said “I believe Corinne is the lid to Nick’s pot.”

Nick met Vanessa in Montreal, where Melissa and I went for my birthday. It was raining frigidly just like it was when we went. They went to Vanessa’s school and made posters with one of her classes. There was a funny bald guy I enjoyed. Vanessa then took Nick to meet about eight hundred family members. Her mom, sister and brother expressed concern to and about Nick. The sister, mom and Nick all cried. Then they went to visit Vanessa’s dad. Nick asked him for his blessing. The dad said no. But Nick convinced him to change his mind. Vanessa cried because her dad told her Nick had asked the other girls’ dads for their blessings too.

They went to Brooklyn. Vanessa cried again. Andi showed up. 

Standings

Julia & Paul - 49
Raven - 20
Jasmine - 9
Whitney - 9
Jaimi - 8
+3 last team standing bonus
It's a runaway. Raven won't win and it doesn't matter. The defending champs are soon to be the defending defending champs. They drafted last and they drafted masterfully. Outside of overlooked Kristina, the newlyweds nailed every pick optimally. Their wedding was spectacular, their new house is spectacular, their dogs are spectacular and their Bachelor teams are spectacular.  As Kwickfish would say, "Owned." 

Kelly & Phil - 32

Corinne - 21

Christen - 4

Hailey - 2

Astrid - 5
I (and Melissa, and everyone who watched the show, and everyone on the show except Nick) talked a lot of shit about Corinne. But at this moment, she has as many points as anyone. It won't be enough, but Kelly & Phil deserve credit for drafting Corinne where they did.

Bri & Doug - 31

Danielle L - 10

Sarah - 6

Kristina - 10

Astrid - 5

Nothing to see here other than some pretty girls who might wind up on Bachelor in Paradise. Bri & Doug drafted an aesthetically pleasing team that didn't amount to much.

Melissa & Tom - 29

Rachel - 17

Taylor - 5

Liz - -1

Josephine - 6

It looks like too little too late for us. Rachel will win or be next Bachelorette, but her mental stability is a double-edged sword - she doesn't cry as much as the other girls and thus lags a few points back. She won't make up twenty points on the defending champs.

Andie & Eric - 28

Danielle M - 11

Alexis - 8

Brittany - 4

Astrid - 5

This team doesn't look bad on paper, until you add up the points on that paper and realize it's going to get last place. 

Andrea & Zack - 23

Vanessa - 21

Lacey - 1

Elizabeth - 1

Last blog I wondered if A to Z could have picked the overall winner and still finish last in the pool. That won't happen, though last place still could. First place is actually still in play as well: Vanessa could plausibly reject a marriage proposal from Nick, catapulting the north Boulderites to a surprise win and Nick off an icy Finnish fjord.