Episode One, The Draft, & Episode 2

Episode One

Synopsis

JoJo drove up to the mansion in a likable old baby blue convertible. Kaitlyn the Canadian, Desiree who didn’t get the man she wanted but is still married to the other one, and some blonde from before we started watching were waiting for her. The former Bachelorettes gave JoJo some pointers. The blonde’s advice was terrible. They drank wine out of enormous glasses.

JoJo expressed excitement over meeting her suitors, but tempered it with two “could”s and a “potentially.” There was a feature on Grant the Firefighter, who topped this list and quickened Melissa’s pulse. Then came Aaron Rodgers’s little brother, who was better-looking than Aaron but obviously not as good at football. Then came the obligatory marine, then the Superfan, an erectile dysfunction expert with a molestache, the Iranian Guy, a Biracial Guy, and a Texan.

First out of the limo was Aaron Rodgers’s little brother. Then came Derek the banker, the firefighter, James, a guy who cleverly poked fun at JoJo’s mom by drinking wine straight from the bottle, the marine with the too-tight suit, a guy with notecards, creepy Chad, the Canadian, the Iranian, James Taylor the singer-songwriter, the Chinese Scot, Santa Claus, moustache-joke-Colorado guy, Jake the fully black man, Sal who brought squeezable balls, Coley, the Hipster, the Superfan, some guy who did the splits, the Barber, the ED guy, the DJ who brought All-4-One, the partly black man and a dude on a unicorn.

“The douchebag who goes and grabs her immediately” (one of the guys’ words, not mine) was the Marine. He did pushups for JoJo and then with her on his back and then fist-pounded some bros. Derek the Banker claimed to be a nerd. Aaron Rodgers’s little brother successfully went for an early back-stroke and “instantly regretted” not going for a kiss. Will did go for a kiss, using one of those little-kid “fortune-teller” origami things to suggest it. 

Then Aaron Rodgers’s little brother went back for a kiss. “Now THAT is a kiss,” JoJo announced as Aaron Rodgers’s little brother vaulted up fantasy draft boards everywhere. It was a new experience for Aaron Rodgers’s little brother, who was undrafted by the NFL.

Creepy Chad made fun of guys having feelings so Melissa made fun of him. All-4-One did some more a cappella. Creepy Chad duped JoJo into thinking he had feelings. The Canadian struggled with some arcane YouTube references. Melissa tried to make fun of his accent, comparing it to a “dontcha know” Upper Midwest accent, but I defended him cause he was Canadian. He got drunk, took his clothes off, and jumped into the pool. The Superfan approved.

Other dudes got sloshed too. “Cheers to you, bro,” one of them said to another. “Cheers to rock and roll,” the other responded.

“There are other ways to deal with pressure than hit the bottle,” the Iranian said tersely before stroking some Beethoven on the piano. One of the drunks dropped a “Right Reasons.” Santa Claus took off his glasses and beard. James Taylor made a good impression. The Texan gifted JoJo some boots. Aaron Rodgers’s little brother got the first impression rose. Another dude mentioned that Olivia got the last first impression rose, and “she got left on an island.”

Melissa asked about eight different questions about the rose ceremony process. “Does she have a picture of headshots backstage? Does she memorize the names? Does she practice with a list?” It really must be tricky.

Some former Bachelor showed up, but it turned out to be a guy who was just a friend of JoJo’s and basically nothing came out of it. At the rose ceremony, Grant flashed suicidal thoughts at the notion of losing to Santa Claus or the guy in the kilt. The Barber flashed homicidal looks when Santa Claus got a rose before him. The drunken Canadian got the last rose. JoJo got rid of Coley, the Chinese Scot, “Peter”, only one of the drunks and the fully black guy.

The Draft

1. Kelly & Phil - Jordan
2. Melissa & Tom - Luke
3. Julia & Paul - Robby
4. Andie & Eric - Alex
5. Bri & Doug - Chase
6. Andrea & Zack - James Taylor
7. Andrea & Zack - Chad
8. Bri & Doug - Wells
9. Andie & Eric - Grant
10. Julia & Paul - Ali
11. Melissa & Tom - Derek
12. Kelly & Phil - Christian
13. Julia & Paul - Evan
14. Bri & Doug - Nick
15. Melissa & Tom - Will
16. Kelly & Phil - James F
17. Andrea & Zack - Vinny
18. Andie & Eric - James S

The first two picks were obvious, and then it got murky. We favored Wells and James Taylor; I can see the thinking behind Robby and Chase. Alex was a mistake. The latter half of the second round was quite solid with Wells, Grant, Ali and Derek going consecutively. The third round is pure murk.


Episode Two

Synopsis

Chad made a toast. "To a beautiful girl, a beautiful life,  f*** you guys, I’m gonna make her my wife.” That turned out to be foreshadowing for the episode.

Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F, Wells and Robby went on a group date at a firefighting training facility. "Excuse me, Grant – we need you to report to duty immediately,” Melissa joked. Instead JoJo got out of the fire truck in a white tank top. “Grant is drooling right now,” she added. “Yep – look at him." Melissa continued to mime Grant. “He’s like, ‘Girl – I’m on vacation,’” she joked, then instructed me to never take her on a date to the hospital. 

They did some challenges related to firefighting, including moving fire hoses. “The last time I pulled hose was probably back home, at my apartment,” the Canadian joked. Melissa gagged. JoJo described it as “Hands down, the hottest date I’ve ever been on.” “I kind of agree,” Melissa admitted. 

Wells also admitted something: he wasn’t the most athletic guy there, but said all he had to do was show he wouldn’t give up. He struggled mightily, almost collapsed and had to get a visit from the medical team like happens in Survivor, but said it was worth it because he got extra time with JoJo.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, James Taylor led a poolside guitar sing-along. Chad made fun of them while snacking on steak.

The group daters did a firefighting challenge where they had to “rescue” JoJo from a “burning” building. Surprise, Grant won. “My time with JoJo completely just went up in flames,” Luke quipped.

The group date moved to the roof of a building, starting with Grant getting some one-on-one time. “Cheers to you,” JoJo said and grabbed the back of his head and made out with him. Then she hung out with some other guys. One of the guys suggested they arm-wrestle for the date rose. JoJo made out with Luke. Wells got the date rose.

Derek and JoJo did a date where they made binary decisions that determined where they’d go on their date. They chose Air over Sea, North over South and Golden Gate Bridge over Lombard Street and wound up flying on a plane to San Francisco and drinking wine at the Golden Gate Bridge. At dinner Derek told JoJo there had been “another person” that terminated his last relationship. Then they made out.

Jordan, Christian, James Taylor, Alex, and Chad went to an ESPN studio where JoJo was subbing for Michelle Beadle on SportsNation. Marcellus Wiley and Max Kellerman said they were huge fans of The Bachelor(ette). The guys did a charade thing with an oversized rose. They made them get dizzy and propose to JoJo. Chad made fun of the other guys, expressed some angst over the activity, then called JoJo “naggy.” They asked every guy who the worst guy that day was and they all said Chad except for Chad.

Marcellus and Max gave them power rankings. The Marine got third, Chad got second in an upset, and James Taylor got first. Bailey, who had skillfully wedged himself between us on the couch, snored loudly. James Taylor recited a poem/note for JoJo, then made out with her. Chad told JoJo his mom died six months ago and he inherited a little dog puppy. Bailey snored quietly. Then they made out (Chad and JoJo, not Bailey and the little dog puppy).

The Marine said Chad was “the highest level of D-bag” which was funny cause The Marine is really short. James Taylor got the date rose.

Chad took a walk with JoJo before the cocktail party, angering the other guys. The Marine led a Charge Against Chad. Chase made a fake snowstorm to show JoJo what Colorado is like. He brought microbrews, which won Melissa and me over. Chad ate a large plate of meat. Then he ate more plates of meat. “Chad has taken the term ‘meathead’ to a whole new unparalleled level,” Grant joked.

Some dudes confronted Chad about being an asshole. Chad made fun of them, then sought consolation in his bro The Canadian. Then he stole time from the Erectile Dysfunction guy. The Marine again took it upon himself to confront Chad, eventually calling him “a meltdown.”

At the rose ceremony, Chad continued to eat meat and make fun of dudes. “She’s keeping Alex because she doesn’t want America to think she hates short men,” he said. JoJo got rid of Will, Superfan and the seldom-shown Hipster.

Standings

Andrea & Zack -  7 points

James Taylor - 3
Chad - 2
Vinny - 2

The Chad pick is more likely to backfire than hit big, but that's the way A to Z plays - always upside. James Taylor was a good pick at #6 and Vinny survived the first line of cuts.

Melissa & Tom - 7 points

Luke - 3

Derek - 3

Will - 1
Will's early exit spells trouble for the MoonBee. Luke may keep pace with Jordan, but Kelly & Phil's other ponies are on more solid ground. Derek's date was unobjectionable but a little light on excitement - kind of like Derek.

Kelly & Phil - 6 points

Jordan - 2

Christian - 2

James F - 2
Neither Christian nor James F will win this season, but both could hang around long enough to buoy this Jordan Rodgers-led team to a championship. Kelly & Phil are the favorites.

Julia & Paul - 6 points

Robby - 2

Ali - 2

Evan - 2
This team features three likable dudes who aren't going anywhere past hometowns. Unless Robby or Ali makes a move - and they didn't get much screen time in Episode Two - J&P lack the upside to make a run down the stretch this season.

Bri & Doug - 5 points

Chase - 1

Wells - 3

Nick - 1
The newlyweds are in better shape than their early score appears, as Chase and/or Nick should be in line for a one-on-one next week. Wells could be in the mix for next Bachelor.

Andie & Eric - 4 points

Alex  - 2

Grant -2

James S - 0
It turned out Daniel the Canadian was the correct answer out of Superfan, Hidden Hipster and himself. A & E chose Superfan, which was the logical pick, and received a donut. The Marine and the Firefighter won't overcome that deficit. A&E's season is over before it's started.

Finale, After The Final Rose and Pool Results

Synopsis

“I am so happy waking up in Jamaica,” Lauren B announced. “Of course,” a sick Melissa added bitterly as she sipped chicken noodle soup while a cold wind howled against our windows. “She is missing part of her shorts,” Melissa further critiqued.

Ben’s parents met him at the Jamaican resort. B was soon to follow. “I’m in love with you,” she told Ben, “but like, getting married for me is like a big commitment. It’s like I’m gonna do that one time, my whole life, like once.”

JoJo came next and said smarter things to Ben’s parents before crying a bit. Bailey picked his way onto the couch with the patience, precision, and fast-twitch athleticism of a pole vaulter. I went on another tirade about JoJo’s superiority over B. I mean seriously people, seriously Higgins, SHE IS SUPERIOR TO B IN EVERY WAY. Ben’s mom agreed with me. “How does JoJo get away without wearing a bra?” Melissa asked, which really was another way of agreeing with me.

Ben tried to decide between the two with his parents, while walking on the beach, while staring at palm trees and while looking to the horizon from a boat. He was unable to, so he went on another date with B. They hung out on a hammock that was built into the floor of a boat and talked about nothing. “I just don’t get it Bee,” I said to Melissa. “I JUST DO NOT GET LAUREN B.” “She’s got a chunk missing out of her shorts,” Melissa explained. The only other edge we could figure for B was that she lived in Portland compared to JoJo's Dallas.

Ben and B made out for a while before re-attempting conversation. “What are you thinking about right now?” B asked Ben. “JoJo,” Melissa finished for him. They talked about nothing for a while longer before walking off on the beach. “Look at that!” Melissa exclaimed. “She’s a waddler! She waddles!” After hours of seemingly meaningless drivel B finally got the memo that Ben might be in love with JoJo the End Boss and cried. Bailey, now masterfully wedged in between Melissa and me, started snoring loudly. 

JoJo, who was wearing a bra (a bright yellow one) met Ben for a Jeep ride. They drove to a grotto to make out. JoJo’s yellow bra turned out to be part of a swimsuit. They talked about nothing for a while as Bailey’s snoring grew in volume and slowed in pace.

That night they reconvened in a room at the resort to continue their conversation about nothing. JoJo went bra-less once again. Zack texted me this hilarious video of Andrew Bogut “shooting” a free throw as Ben and JoJo continued their interminable conversation in a bathroom stall. JoJo finally asked Ben if he loved Lauren B too and he told her he did and she cried.

The Ring Guy “Neill” came to visit Ben. Neill pointedly asked Ben about the woman he’d be proposing to, forcing Ben to admit he hadn’t yet chosen. He stared at the ring for a while and then suddenly found the answer. It was kind of like PiMaster and I hemming and hawing between Brandon Knight and Ricky Rubio that night on FanDuel, then randomly going with Knight because the deadline was approaching.

Ben dumped JoJo and all I could think about was that other guy fist-pumping in a musty Dallas basement. I felt bad for JoJo but mostly happy cause that meant she’d probably be the next Bachelorette. Melissa mentioned JoJo's brothers, how they would beat the crap out of Ben when he returned to the States.

Ben called Lauren B’s dad to check if he could propose to B. The dad said he could. Ben proposed to B. She said yes.

After The Final Rose

Ben and JoJo talked to each other like adults. No one cursed or cried or called names. JoJo didn’t seem to be the slightest bit torn up, perhaps because of her emotional intelligence, perhaps because she knew she was gonna be the next Bachelorette.

Lauren B announced she’d be moving to Denver to live with Ben. “Oh great, we can be BFFs!” Melissa exclaimed. Jimmy Kimmel came on to do a sketch involving dolls and hype Ben and B’s upcoming appearance on his show. Ben and B talked with Harrison some more. It was so dull Melissa and I started talking about wenises. Harrison tried to get Ben to marry B on the spot and Ben deflected it by redundantly asking B to marry him again and she said yes again.

Standings

Andrea & Zack - 52 points

Lauren B - 36

Lauren H - 11

Lauren LB - 5

A to Z have done it again! The most successful duo in pool history escapes with the narrowest victory in pool history. Despite her victory, B was outscored by JoJo the Juggernaut, so it was the backup Laurens that made the difference for the Sanderses. How they managed to select B #1 overall is a question that can only be answered by Andrea, Zack, and Reality Steve.

Bri & Doug - 49 points

JoJo - 39

Amber - 8

Samantha - 2
Valiant effort by JoJo, who should make an excellent Bachelorette. I did think the same of Andi and Kaitlyn before their stints, only to be frustrated by their modified personas and disappointing choices. But no other contestant from this season would be preferable.

Andie & Eric - 45 points

Caila - 28

Emily - 14

Haley - 3

Julia & Paul - 35 points

Amanda - 21

Jennifer - 6

Rachel - 5
+3 last team standing bonus

Melissa & Tom - 23 points

Olivia - 12

Leah - 6

Shushanna - 5

Kelly & Phil - 21 points

Jubilee - 7

Becca -12

Jami - 2

JoJo's season premieres Monday, May 23. Let's get together for the draft sometime later that week. What works for y'all?

Hometowns, Fantasy Suites & The Women Tell All

Synopsis

Hometowns
 

Ben, who was wearing what Melissa called “pirate pants”, expressed excitement that he’d narrowed it down to “four smart, sophisticated, beautiful women.” Maybe he got one out of three.

Amanda’s daughters came running up to her on the beach, inciting a fit of tears. The four of them hung out on the beach for a few minutes before heading back to a house in Orange County.  Amanda cried some more while talking to her mom, but she was wearing the same outfit so she didn’t score any more points. Nothing much happened and Ben left. “I can honestly say I would be completely heartbroken if I was sent home,” Amanda said. Foreshadowing, anyone?

Next up was Lauren B in Portland, Oregon. “I just don’t see how he could possibly take Amanda over Lauren B,” I announced. “Aren’t they the same person? Except Lauren B doesn’t have kids, lives in Portland and is a little better looking. What am I missing?” I asked. Melissa shook her head disparagingly.

As I predicted they got lunch at a food truck. Then they went to a “Whiskey Library” and hung out for a bit. They left with a lot of good whiskey still in their glasses, which enraged Melissa and me, before parking blocks away from B’s house for unknown reasons.

B’s mom, dad, sister, two brothers and dog were waiting for them. They all seemed to be about the same age to me, and sure enough it turned out the dog was 18. The sister may have been better-looking than B and asked Ben some pretty good questions. Perhaps she will be the next Bachelorette. Ben floundered with the questions and started crying so he wouldn’t have to answer. B shed a tear while talking to her dad. The mom, brothers and dog didn’t get any additional airtime.

Next up Ben met Caila in a nondescript Ohio town. “Caila challenges me because she’s real,” he admitted. They went to a factory and built a house. Then they went to Caila’s parents’ house. Caila cried a little bit while telling her parents she loved Ben. Despite their recommendations she tell Ben that, Caila choked and just said “I’ll see ya later,” when bidding Ben goodbye.

Finally there was JoJo in Dallas. She showed up wearing “terrible open-toed boots” according to Melissa and “an awful shirt” according to me. Flowers and a romantic letter were waiting for JoJo at her house, but they turned out to be from an ex-boyfriend, not Ben. JoJo started crying, then called the ex on speakerphone so everyone in America could hear.

Ben showed up.  “He’s a cardigan guy, huh?” Melissa noticed. “Guess that’s not so farfetched.” JoJo recovered and took Ben to her family’s gigantic house. There was a mom, a very-Texan looking dad (according to Melissa), a sister and two big brothers. They talked briefly about Dallas. “I’m not opposed to moving,” Ben said. “Except to Texas,” Melissa added. “You can’t move from Colorado to Texas.”

“We’re really, really, REALLY attached to Joelle,” one of the brothers said. “Who the F is Joelle?” Melissa wondered. The boys took Ben back to one of the house’s 19 rooms to pepper him with questions before the dad followed suit in a library. JoJo’s mom told her to let her guard down, then the brothers urged her to keep her guard up. The brothers gave Ben a hard time in the kitchen while the mom chugged champagne straight from the bottle.

The ladies brought the heat to the rose ceremony. Melissa called it “Teeny-Tiny Dress Night.” Ben finally got rid of Teen Mom, who held it together before capsizing in the limo.

Fantasy Suites

Ben & co. went down to Jamaica. Caila went rafting with him on a river. She expressed anxiety over the two other girls. “I think Caila has something on her mind today,” Ben deduced. They reconvened that night at Sandals resort, where Michael Scott once took Jan Levinson (no Gould). Caila told Ben that she loved him. He responded by making out with her and Caila said she “could feel it in his breath” that he loved her too. They made out in the ocean underneath a fireworks show before retiring to the fantasy suite.

Moments after the date concluded Lauren B arrived for hers. A Brit named Mel helped them find and rear baby sea turtles. That night B wanted to tell Ben she loved him, but couldn’t muster the courage. Instead she told him he was “Legitimately, like the man of my dreams.” They got the fantasy suite invitation. “I need time to us, to do us,” B said.

Finally she told Ben she was “completely in love with him”, adding “You really are, like the man of my dreams.” Then came the big surprise: “I’ve known I’m in love with you for a while as well,” Ben said, which went against years of assumed Bachelor rules and tradition and two months of me discounting B as an also-ran.

JoJo and Ben went swimming near some waterfalls. Melissa and I were impressed with her waterproof makeup. JoJo told Ben she loved him.“I don’t want to think about what it would be like to live without you,” JoJo said. “Oh sweetheart, you better start thinking,” Melissa ripped. But then, again shockingly, Ben told JoJo he loved her too. JoJo was stunned, and appeared to say something about how she thought he couldn’t say that. Ben’s response was muffled, likely deliberately. Then they made out.

After that there was a long boring conversation that drove me to check the daily fantasy landscape, but that was so ugly it drove me to check my email, then some college basketball scores. Fortunately JoJo summarized their conversation for me: “It’s so nice to hear you talk,” she said. They spent the night together and JoJo impressed Melissa by wearing sweats in the morning instead of a nightie or lingerie.

They interspersed a bunch of overly-enthusiastic Caila clips with clips of Ben pondering palm trees and mulling how he was going to dump her. Caila surprised him at the resort and he dumped her. She cried.

“The whole purpose of this is to find one true love,” Ben stated. “Right now I have two true loves.” “I am so far in my relationship with Ben,” JoJo said. “I just couldn’t imagine him feeling that way about anyone else.” Melissa made some polygamy jokes.

The Women Tell All

There was a big season recap. “Ben is the hottest man I have ever seen in my life,” someone shrieked. “You need to get out more,” Melissa said. There was a big Olivia highlights/lowlights montage. For some reason there was a bird in the midst and for some reason it was hanging near Lace the Bitch. The Russian spoke English. Jami broke a record for percentage of boob shown without a nipple shown. There was a big Jubilee recap. There was a big Lace recap. Some guy took his shirt off revealing a tattoo of her. Seriously, a man actually got a tattoo of Lace. Melissa hoped it was temporary.

There was a second big Olivia montage. Jennifer had a witty comment which made we wonder again why Ben got rid of her so fast. The Twins complained simultaneously. Olivia claimed she was a giant bitch on the show because she was an introvert. They all gave her a hard time including someone named Izzy I’d never heard of or seen before in my life. Olivia wept while referencing “hard times” and “terrible things” on social media as Chris Harrison greedily begged for details. There was a big Caila montage. Melissa called her a bitch after she was reminded that she got “the Amos Lee date”, then made further fun of a weeping Caila as she complained about never finding love.

Chris Harrison made Ben pick out which one of the Twins was which. There was a big blooper montage. 

Standings

Andie & Eric - 45 points

Caila - 28

Emily - 14

Haley - 3
Melissa and I really warmed up to Caila down the stretch, even if Ben didn't. She revealed herself to be a weakness-free catch, and I'd watch if she's named next Bachelorette.

Andrea & Zack - 44 points

Lauren B - 28

Lauren H - 11

Lauren LB - 5

I've never gotten the Lauren B thing. Y'all left a lot of sidebet money on the table - I would have taken about five other girls against her heads up. JoJo the End Boss will be tough to slay in the Finals, but B has already accomplished more than most winners.

Bri & Doug - 38 points

JoJo - 28

Amber - 8

Samantha - 2
JoJo may still have the edge, but a win from her likely won't be enough for Bri & Doug to overcome The Laurens. They've got six points to make up, and a JoJo win over B will only net them three - and they'd actually lose ground if B became the next Bachelorette. Barring an unexpected twist, A to Z will likely take their second pool title.

Julia & Paul - 35 points

Amanda - 21

Jennifer - 6

Rachel - 5
+3 last team standing bonus

Melissa & Tom - 23 points

Olivia - 12

Leah - 6

Shushanna - 5

Kelly & Phil - 21 points

Jubilee - 7

Becca -12

Jami - 2

In retrospect, J&P were correct to complain about their draw. Nobody left at the turn went any deeper than, like, Amanda. There was nothing they could have done. If not for Whitney's Cinderella run, I'd be concerned the last couple teams to draft each season would be screwed. Our picks generally wind up being pretty accurate, and it's hard not to be topheavy.

Episodes 6 & 7

Synopsis

Episode 6

Ben confronted Olivia. He said the other girls had issues with her. “Like, I’m just like, different. I like reading books in my room, and like, thinking, and that’s what I do. I want to talk, smart, things,” she explained before crying. Again The Twin accused her tears of fakeness. “Come at me bro,” Olivia challenged. At the rose ceremony, The Twin managed to cry and obtain the last rose. Big Boobs got voted out.

I decided Carly Rae Jepsen's "I Really Like You" from last week should be the official theme song of the blog, so I added a link to it on the upper right. I couldn't figure out how to open the link in a new tab, so you'll have to do that yourself if you want Carly's sweet stylings to serenade your readings.  Or maybe Bag will leave a comment telling me how to change it on Blogger. Or you can just listen to it on Spotify. Or not at all.

They went to the Bahamas and Ben selected Caila for another one-on-one date even though Invisible Leah hadn’t been on one yet. Invisible Leah became visible and cried. A lot.

“I feel like I love you,” Caila said, but then said she was afraid of breaking Ben’s heart. Then Ben said he was worried they were going to break up that night, then Caila said a few nice things while some piano music played, then Ben gave her the date rose and made out with her.

Lauren B, Becca, Amanda, JoJo, Lauren H, and a tilted Leah went swimming with some pigs. JoJo had a good conversation with Ben about the awkwardness of the situation. Suddenly Visible Leah cried again, then expressed frustration to Ben while crying, then cried more.

During a thunderstorm, Visible Leah randomly tossed Lauren B under the bus and Ben confronted B about it. “Honestly, when I’m with you, I don’t think about anything,” B explained. Then she wept and Leah flat-out lied to them all, saying she never said anything bad about B. Amanda got the date rose.

Melissa and I argued about how dumb or not dumb Amanda, Lauren B, and The Twin were. We agreed The Twin was actually kinda smart, B was more “cheerleaderish” than idiotic, and Amanda was dumb as a pile of rocks. And then Tom collected our plates, peed and went upstairs which gave Melissa time to steal Tom’s computer and write in the blog. Oops.

I came back in time for a behind-the-back catfight between Leah and B. Leah lost: Ben dumped her. She cried yet again, offsetting the points she lost for exiting prematurely.

Olivia and The Twin went on a cloudy, blustery date on a boat with Ben. “It’s perfect!” Overconfident Olivia exclaimed. “Is it?” Ben asked. The Twin screamed as she jumped three feet off the boat onto the shore. They drank champagne in the wind awkwardly for a moment before separating. Olivia told Ben she loved him. The Twin attempted to have a conversation with him with blowing hair covering her face.

They set Olivia up for another satisfying exit by playing a bunch of her most cocky comments. This time it wasn’t a second-level trick though, as Ben actually did get rid of her – by cruelly grabbing the rose, bringing her aside, telling her he loved how she opened up to him, then dumping her alone on the beach in a pseudo-hurricane.

“It makes sense that Emily keeps winning the 2-on-1s, cause she’s a twin,” Melissa said. “She’s been winning 2-on-1s her entire life.”

Ben cancelled the cocktail party, startling JoJo into a fit of tears. At the rose ceremony, Ben sent Lauren H back to Kindergarten. She broke down and cried in the hearse ride, as did everyone else (including Ben) on the big preview trailer to end the show. 

Episode 7

“Welcome to Warsaw, Indiana, the place where I grew up!” Ben introduced jollily before running into his parents at a greasy spoon. Ben gave them a rundown on the remaining six contestants, noting Becca’s frigidity, The Twin’s twinness, JoJo’s comfort, Caila’s sex appeal, Amanda’s momness and “shocking” beauty and something vague about Lauren B.

Lauren B and her dark roots drove with Ben in an old red Chevy truck through rainy Warsaw. Ben showed her some key Warsaw landmarks including the high school, church and youth club. Melissa noted that the church was bigger than the high school. At the youth club, Lauren B made a free throw and pulled off a cartwheel. A kid with bleached hair named Ronnie nailed a half-court shot. It was unclear how many takes it took him to make it.

George Hill and Paul George showed up. I reminisced over all the times Paul murdered our DFS lineups this season. That guy is matchup-independent. I don’t think we’ve rostered Hill once this season. Neither played any basketball even though they’re professionals and they were on a basketball court. Instead the kids, Ben, and B played. B dribbled with her left hand. It was unclear if she was lefthanded or ambidextrous, but I’m sure Ben was taking notes. The night portion of the date incited a large “BOORRRR-INNNNGG” from Melissa followed by a sigh. It was the obligatory dull dinner date followed by the obligatory drink at a bar followed by the obligatory makeout sesh on a rooftop. B told the cameras she was in love with Ben.

Ben and JoJo went to play baseball at Wrigley Field. “I’m confused, how did they get to Chicago?” Melissa wondered. JoJo had never played before but hit one to the edge of the infield. Ben hit the Moon-patented weak liner to the right of second base. Meanwhile, back at the hotel, they announced the next group date and The Twin wasn’t on it, which caused her to cry from thinking she’d instead get the next one-on-one. Frigid Becca said she was feeling “things I’ve never felt before.” I declined to make a penis joke cause I actually think Becca is pretty swell. JoJo articulated herself effectively as usual while eating dinner on the Wrigley outfield.

Amanda, Becca and Caila took a stretch limo to some farm somewhere. I asked Melissa where they were and she described it as “some farm somewhere.” They paddled in boats for a bit, then flew kites for a bit, then sipped chardonnay in a barn while contemplating the significance of the date. “This is the biggest rose yet,” Ben said. “Literally?” Master Gardener Melissa wondered. “There is a lot of weight to this rose,” Ben said, perhaps responding. He surprised us by giving Amanda the date rose, but that wasn’t as surprising as Frigid Becca shedding tears in response. Caila also cried.

Amanda and Ben returned to Warsaw AKA “The Orthopedic Capital.” Perhaps Eric Schwartz can shed some light on that nickname. They went to McDonald’s. Amanda took drive-thru orders. “Why are they doing this?” Melissa wondered. “Because they’re paying them a lot of money,” I explained. Amanda and Ben re-enacted the Lady & The Tramp spaghetti-kissing scene with a French fry.

Then they went to a carnival. The mayor and someone named Eric were there but neither was Eric Schwartz. Amanda and Ben rode some rides and made out a bunch and little kids whacked Ben repeatedly with giant inflatable hammers. Then they made out on a ferris wheel (Amanda and Ben, not the little kids).

Ben and The Twin drove a boat to Ben’s parents’ riverside home while Bailey wedged himself deep into the couch cushions. Coincidentally, Caila called Emily “a bright-eyed puppy” right then. Ben’s parents came down to meet The Twin, who announced that “talking to people can really be a hard thing for me,” before saying she “really needed to count on her conversation skills” to get through the date before telling Ben’s mom she wanted to be a Denver Broncos cheerleader. And that was before they won the Super Bowl. Ben’s mom expressed concern over Emily’s age and maturity before joining The Crying Game. Ben rope-a-doped The Twin with smiles and blankets and a river sunset before suddenly dumping her while the other girls watched through a window. Obviously she cried, but it didn’t really even help the Schwartzes because all the other girls except Caila cried too. At the rose ceremony, Ben had Frigid Becca pack her bags. She managed to summon a few tears in the hearse ride. 

Standings

Andie & Eric - 32 points

Caila -15

Emily - 14

Haley - 3
Emily's stay on the show was like a 13-seed's Cinderella run to the Elite Eight ending in a blowout loss to a traditional power. Sixth place, 14 points, way-outlasting her twin and meeting the parents has to qualify as a massive success. Caila is cruising, but you could say that about the other remaining contestants.

Andrea & Zack - 31 points

Lauren B - 15

Lauren H - 11

Lauren LB - 5

Could B lead the Laurens to the promised land? I'm still betting no. Caila and JoJo seem to have more to offer. But I've been cold on B all season.

Julia & Paul - 30 points

Amanda -16

Jennifer - 6

Rachel - 5
+3 last team standing bonus

Amanda just made hometowns?? She just beat Becca? What am I missing? Cause I preferred half the girls he sent home the first night. In any case, this is where the dream dies for Teen Mom.

Bri & Doug - 25 points

JoJo -15

Amber - 8

Samantha - 2
JoJo has a hammerlock on winner or next Bachelorette. To think there was a time Zack poked fun at B&D for drafting her. Personally I'm hoping Ben picks Caila, as I'll have a tough time watching next season unless it's JoJo or Becca. Or Jubilee. Or Lace. Or fresh blood. Or Juan Pablo.

Melissa & Tom - 23 points

Olivia - 12

Leah - 6

Shushanna - 5
Ugly season for the MoonBee on the heels of a disastrous Survivor pool season. While it doesn't seem just that a team like Kelly & Phil's could wind up with fewer points, I do think our points system is more representative, balanced, and effective than ever. Note that Olivia is the only player who's received points (2) for an "I love you." There may have been others - let me know if so.

Kelly & Phil - 21 points

Jubilee - 7

Becca -12

Jami - 2

Amazingly this seemingly potent squad crapped out in last place. It was pretty bad luck that Jami only scored 2 and Jubilee exited prematurely; Becca's lack of crying could be predicted, but she still outscored all other second-rounders except Emily. Here's hoping she's the next Bachelorette.

Episodes 4 & 5

Synopsis

Episode 4

The girls joined Ben in “the marriage capital of America”, Las Vegas. The Twins walked on a treadmill together and claimed it was a good workout. Ben and JoJo made out in a helicopter on their way to the MGM Grand. JoJo told Ben about some insecurities on a sofa before they made out some more. Then they watched fireworks on top of a building and made out some more.

 

A gaggle of girls went to see a ventriloquist and perform in a talent show. Lauren B admitted she had zero talent. “Well duh, I could have told you that,” a continually mean-spirited Melissa said. Olivia said “Bam-Shabaam!” at one point which made me think of Eric Schwartz. “We’re in it to twin it!” The Twins exclaimed simultaneously. “Oh barf,” Melissa replied. They actually did a pretty decent Irish dance together. Jubilee played a cello. Someone juggled. Someone dressed up as a chicken. Someone jumped on a pogo stick. Olivia rose out of a fake cake and danced awkwardly. “It was cringeworthy,” Lauren B assessed. Olivia didn’t hear that or the other mean comments, but cried anyways. 

She continued to weep after the commercial before pulling it together before the night portion. Ben referred to Caila as a “Sex Panther” before making out with her and caressing her leg. I decided “Sex Panthers” would be the second best team name to come out of the episode behind “Bam-Shabaam!” A Lauren kissed the ventriloquist’s puppet before making out with Ben while gripping his jaw with both hands. Olivia acted catty.

Becca and Ben presided over the marriages of a bunch of randos in the “chapel” in Vegas that’s on the way to Fremont Street. Then they went to a museum of retired neon signs. Ben admitted he had some questions about Frigid Becca, including whether “she could feel.” He then implored her to “please feel.” Becca announced to Ben “I really like you,” which made me think of this sneaky-good Carly Rae Jepsen song which now has almost as many plays on Spotify as “Call Me Maybe.” Then they made out.

Then they set up a grotesque two-on-one date with Ben and The Twins. I thought it was deplorable but predictable. They actually went to their house in Vegas. One of them cried, but we didn’t bother to find out which one since we had no clue and they’re both on the Schwartz team. Ben broke up with one of them in a conversation on a couch with the two of them and their mom, and that one cried, so then we didn’t know if the Schwartezes got crying points twice. The other one didn’t get a rose.

At the rose ceremony, Ben wiped out Amber and Rachel, who both wept on their way out. Rachel was probably crying because she had to face the reality of being unemployed and from Arkansas. For the second straight episode, they pulled a sneaky edit where they set Olivia up for a satisfying exit by playing a bunch of her cockiest quotes only to give her the final rose…and then they teased her potential exit in the “Next Time On” trailer as well.

Episode 5

Ben said he was “more and more confident that my wife could be in that group,” as the crew flew into the Four Seasons Mexico City. That was an uptick from last time when he simply said "my wife could be in that group." Ben went to their room at the Four Seasons before dawn to pick up Amanda for an early morning date. He said he wanted to see the girls “in their element” which was obviously code for “without makeup on” because they were all sleeping. He flashed a flashlight in everyone’s face to really get a good look. Amanda woke up clearly wearing makeup. Ben noted how happy he was to see the girls “without makeup, without hair.” “Without hair?” Melissa inquired. “Really? You like 'em bald?”

Amanda and Ben took a hot air balloon ride early in the morning like Melissa and I did when we got engaged. For once Melissa didn’t complain that I never did that for her. Amanda expressed amazement over the quality of the date. “I’m already having, just the most amazing day ever. This is amazing. I can’t believe, this is, like, my life right now,” she summarized. The night portion of the date started with Amanda’s description of her difficult divorce while Ben clutched her thigh. Melissa counted twenty “like”s during her monologue.  

Jubilee, Becca, JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B, Jennifer, Leah and Olivia went to ESL (Español as a Second Language) class. Olivia thought there was a lot of electricity between her and Ben. Becca said “Te Amo.” “Does that count?” Melissa asked. The Twin didn’t realize she was supposed to speak in Spanish.

Then they split into teams of two to cook Mexican food. Olivia and Jubilee both wanted to partner with Ben. Melissa thought they should have arm-wrestled for it but Olivia just won as usual. She got to drink mezcal with Ben and make food with him. “Ben already tasted my taco, and he loved it,” JoJo said cryptically. Jubilee won by herself even though it was a partner challenge I thought.

Ben took Lauren B on a walk in the city to make out while JoJo soothed the other girls as usual. Then Jubilee asked Ben if she had a chance to win the show and he said no and then said hasta mañana to her. She cried on her way to the taxi. JoJo typically provided a shoulder to cry on. Ben blindsided the crew by giving the date rose to the villainous Olivia.

Lauren H went with Ben to a clothes store and then Ted Cruz was projected to win the Iowa Caucuses which was deemed a “devastating blow to Donald Trump,” according to ABC News. Bernie and Hillary were engaged in a tight battle. Then they went to a fashion runway and modeled clothes (Ben and Lauren H, not Bernie and Hillary). Later on Lauren H told Ben about a breakup that took her a year to get over and she cried and got a rose and made out with Ben in the street in front of a dude playing a harp.

Olivia cried, though The Twin claimed “her tears were fake as f**k.” I counted the points. The Twin cried too and talked crap about Olivia to Ben behind her back. Then she called the other Twin to complain more about Olivia and cried a lot more. Ben asked some of the girls about Olivia and they didn’t say nice things. Ben ended the episode by asking Olivia to talk privately while the girls speculated he might revoke her rose and Melissa and I panicked for the 18^th time this season.

Standings

Julia & Paul - 23 points

Amanda - 9

Jennifer - 6

Rachel - 5
+3 last team standing bonus

J&P have the points lead, but the prognosis is bleak for their team. Like, Amanda is like, just an afterthought, like, as we approach hometowns. I thought Jennifer would bust out by now (or her breasts would), but neither has happened. Most likely, J&P will be busto by hometowns.

Andrea & Zack - 21 points

Lauren B - 7

Lauren H - 9

Lauren LB - 5

The Laurens are hanging around. I'm not a fan of Lauren B, but Ben seems to be. H's one-on-one date came at the perfect moment. It should be enough to preserve her for a couple more episodes.

Andie & Eric - 21 points

Caila - 8

Emily - 10

Haley - 3
This much-maligned squad may now be the favorite to win the pool. Somehow Emily is tied for the points lead, while Caila is destined for a night in the fantasy suite. I had been laughing this team off from day one, but it's time to face the fact that the Twins Strategy could be a pool-winner.

Melissa & Tom - 20 points

Olivia - 10

Leah - 5

Shushanna - 5
Olivia is like this Denver Broncos season. They've eked out multiple nailbiting finishes, there's never a comfortable moment, they've looked dead in the water half a dozen times, yet here they are still competing for a championship. They might be gone five minutes into the next one, but hope is still alive.

Bri & Doug - 17 points

JoJo - 7

Amber - 8

Samantha - 2
JoJo should win or be the next Bachelorette. Becca and Caila are her only competitors, and neither one really has a personality. 

Kelly & Phil - 15 points

Jubilee - 7

Becca - 6

Jami - 2

Uh oh. This looked like the strongest team right up until Jubilee's exit, but now it's in trouble. I think why she left was probably straightforward - she asked Ben straight up if she had a chance, he respected her and knew she didn't, so he told her honestly and she peaced. The bummer for the newlyweds is that cost them three points, points they couldn't afford to lose because they're down to one horse.

Episodes 2 and 3

Synopsis

Episode 2

“I want Ben Higgins to be my husband,” Olivia announced cheerily. There was a shot of Ben in his underwear getting dressed. Lace said “the first night I got a little too drunk, a little too emotional,” an understatement akin to Eric Schwartz saying “I maybe took one too many twins in the draft.”

Jackie, LB, Lauren H, Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer and Lace went on a large group date. Jubilee was overly excited about it. “I’ve never been this turned on in a high school before,” someone said. “Wow. High school must have sucked for you,” Melissa quipped. Chris Harrison put a lab coat and glasses on to conduct a “science experiment” where the girls had to mix chemicals in a certain manner to make a phallic volcano erupt. Lace screwed it up.

Then the girls bobbed for apples. Jackie couldn’t concentrate cause Ben was close to her. “Jackie is not great with her mouth, unfortunately,” some Lauren said. Then they put states on a map. They struggled. Then they shot hoops. Mandi shot the ball over the apparatus. There were some other ugly shots. "This is definitely, not like a scene from Hoosiers," Ben summarized. Amber stereotypically carried Mandi to the championship in a teams competition. Then they raced very short hurdles. Melissa complained about the height of the hurdles, as she had had run hurdles for a while as a kid. She talked about the difficulties of hurdling for a while before admitting she couldn’t remember if she'd done them on a dirt track. Mandi upset Amber in the hurdles so she won the some extra time with Ben. “Is he disappointed?” Melissa wondered. 

Ben wore a plaid jacket to the evening events. “I want to make sure Ben does not think I am some crazy girl,” Lace said. Melissa and I both declined to make a joke. Becca and Ben played basketball outside on top of a skyscraper. Becca shot like 80% on mid-range jumpshots while spectacularly done up and wearing high heels. “Are you watching this??” Melissa asked. “Becca is stealing his heart right now!” I concurred.

Ben addressed the girls. “My wife could be in this group,” he said. “We’re not certain yet though,” Melissa added gravely. Ben and Jennifer made out. “Whoa, Smoocharooh with Big Boobs,” Melissa said to get my attention. I looked up in time to catch the tail end of it. Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Caila was chosen for the one-on-one date. She was pleased. “I kinda like Caila,” Melissa admitted. “I’m not gonna lie.”

Jubilee told Ben she was adopted from Haiti. It was treated as a big moment. Lace cursed a lot, then went for a second meeting with Ben when some of the girls hadn’t even talked to him once. Ben and JoJo danced and talked on top of a skyscraper. “I have never been this high in my life,” JoJo said. “Go to Colorado,” Melissa said. JoJo wore a dress that “had a lot of sideboob action on it,” according to Melissa. “Thank you for sharing with me,” Ben told JoJo. He further thanked her by giving her the date rose.

Ice Cube and Kevin Hart came over to the mansion. When asked what the most romantic thing they’d ever done was, Cube said it was “marrying his wife,” and Kevin Hart said “I cooked some fried chicken in a crock pot,” which made no sense cause you don’t fry in a crock pot. Ben described Caila as “fun and bubbly, which is incredibly attractive to me.” “Fun and bubbly,” Melissa repeated. “Smart and charismatic? Nahh.”

Caila managed to have an intimate conversation with Ben while an acoustic guitar played in the background, which gave me a chance to check in on daily fantasy. CJ Miles (for) and Paul Millsap (against) murdered us. They went to a theater (Ben and Caila, not CJ and Paul) and saw Amos Lee. Melissa and I sat legitimately spellbound watching it. Amos Lee is one of Melissa’s all-time favorites and soundtracked some key moments in our history. It was probably the most entranced we’ve ever been watching The Bachelor.

Emily, Shushanna, Samantha, Olivia, Haley and Amanda went on a group date with Ben. Olivia reminded us she got the first impression rose, but “wouldn’t mind if science” made her a good match with Ben because it was a science date. The Twins did their interviews togethers. Shushanna spoke English no problem. I texted PiMaster about DFS while losing track of a group date involving science, smells, and white tank tops.

There was a smell test. Samantha failed it. Olivia made fun of her. Olivia won the smell test. Melissa and I high-fived. Then Olivia did an annoying “WINNING$” celebration in her interview which made Melissa and I regret taking her. Then she made out with Ben.

Amanda finally got to talk to Ben. “There’s like, a lot, that like, I wanted to tell you on the first night, like when I like, one of the biggest, most important things in my life, like, I have two daughters,” Amanda said. Verbatim.

For the night portion of the group date Ben came out in a hoodie with a sport jacket. “Is he wearing a sport jacket with a hoodie?” Melissa asked incredulously. He was. Olivia got the date rose and bragged about it. Melissa and I high-fived again, starting to enjoy the villain role. Amanda became the first to cry. I’m not sure why.

At the cocktail party, a good-looking Ben (the girls, Melissa and I all agreed – he fixed his hair by adding a faux fauxhawk and he also wore a good suit) addressed the girls, noting the importance of this stage and the unenviable task that lay ahead of him. Then he went into individual conversations. Someone we didn't recognize had a conversation with Ben. “I have never seen that woman before in my life," I said confidently. It turned out to be Leah who was actually on our team. When we realized our 1-2 picks were Haughty Olivia and Invisible Leah and we panicked before holding out hope for The Russian.

Olivia said you don't want to “rest your laurels” and struck up another conversation with Ben. PiMaster texted about Hassan Whiteside who was going bananas when only 8% had him but we did to pull us back into the mix in DFS. Lace the Bitch got airtime so I zoned out further into DFS. Amanda cried. At the rose ceremony, Lace and Amber wept before getting roses. LB took herself out of the game. Ben got rid of Jackie, The Crazy Dentist, and Samantha who we almost took before audibling Peyton Manning-style to Shushanna and then Bri & Doug took. She did cry on her way out though to earn a last-minute point. “I just want to go home,” she sobbed. “Good, cause you’re gonna go home,” Melissa rubbed it in. 

Episode 3

Some of the girls expressed contempt for Olivia. “It’s like, I don’t get, like, there’s so many like great girls in the house where it’s like, I see why, like, everyone really likes you, you know?” Amanda said. Jubilee said it would be "Probably like the happiest moment of my life,” if she got to go on a date with Ben.

Ben picked Lauren B up in an old car and then they went flying in an old airplane. Melissa and I agreed it was a terrible choice to take a flight attendant on a flying date. “Don’t ever take me on a date to the hospital,” Melissa warned. Lauren B was scared at first even though her job takes place on airplanes. They flew over the mansion to rub it into the other girls that they weren’t on the date. Then they flew to a field with a big old tree and a Jacuzzi. They made out and got in the Jacuzzi and made out some more. Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Caila cried. Then Lauren B told Ben she liked things simple while his eyes glazed over. Ben responded by telling her a story about his dad having a heart problem and gave her a rose and made out with her again. Then they danced very slowly to an older woman singing a country song and made out again.

Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H, Olivia, Jami, Rachel, Lace and Emily arrived by limo at the L.A. Coliseum to play soccer with Ben, Alex Morgan and Kelly O’Hara. The girls struggled. Alex Morgan said she was “surprised so few have foot skills.” Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Jubilee cried. Chris Harrison divided the girls into two soccer teams with the winners getting to go to an afterparty with Ben. The Twins landed on opposite teams. Lace the Bitch was goalie despite not knowing she could touch the ball with her hands. Emily The Twin stood out as a top performer as the other goalie. The game went to overtime. Amber scored the winning goal. Rachel got injured. Later she cried about it. Shushanna also cried over the loss. 

Olivia rankled feathers by pouncing on Ben at the beginning of the second stage of the group date. They went up to a hotel room and made out while the other girls complained about her toes. Jami told Olivia about it and Olivia admitted she did have bad toes. Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Jubilee was stricken with anxiety before receiving a one-on-one date invitation. Amber had a minimal conversation with Ben before making out with him. Then she got the date rose.

Jubilee teased Ben for being twenty minutes late for their date and the other girls hated her for it. One of The Twins referred to Jubilee as “awko-taco.” This time it was a helicopter instead of a plane for the date. They flew to a “big miniature castle” on top of a hill which turned out to be a health spa. They ate caviar but Jubilee spat it up. Ben poured champagne. Again, the date progressed to a hot tub where Jubilee engaged Ben in a decent conversation before they made out. Then Jubilee told Ben her entire family was dead. Then they made out.

Ben told the girls he just got news two people he knew from home had been killed in a plane crash. I couldn’t help but note it was ironic. Olivia segued that into an embarrassing conversation about how embarrassed she was by her legs and feet. Ben was not pleased.

Some girls complained about Jubilee being withdrawn. “There’s like 18 elephants in the room,” Rachel said. “There’s like 47 elephants in the room,” Olivia said. Jubilee gave Ben a massage while some intense music played and the other girls complained. “It’s like an elephant in the room,” Amber said. “There’s like an elephant in the room and I literally wanted to sit her down and be like, this is why there’s so much tension in the house.” Amber did attempt to sit Jubilee down which pissed her off. As usual JoJo was on hand for support but Jubilee told her to “leave me the f%#@ alone.” The other girls continued to complain about Jubilee, who cried.

Lace the Bitch started crying and left the show.

At the rose ceremony Ben said au revoir to Jami (they speak French in Canada) and Do svidaniya to Shushanna, who cried on her way out. 

Standings

Andrea & Zack - 12 points

Lauren B - 4

Lauren H - 3

Lauren LB - 5

Lauren B is brutally boring, Lauren H is a non-factor and LB got out while she could. This is a sinking ship. 

Bri & Doug - 11 points

JoJo - 3

Amber - 6

Samantha - 2

I've changed my mind on this seven times already, but now think JoJo is the favorite. Every emotionally struggling girl has talked to her during their darkest hour. She's playing with a full deck in a season of missing cards. Amber isn't going anywhere but somehow scored the second-most points in episodes 2-3 if we haven't made a counting error, so Bri & Doug should be in good shape.

Melissa & Tom - 11 points

Olivia - 4

Leah - 2

Shushanna - 5

Olivia survived a sneaky edit before getting the "final" rose, but her foot debacle showed a disturbing lack of empathy and abundance of selfcenteredness. She could be heading home before hometowns, while Leah is an afterthought and Shushanna packed her bags. Things aren't looking up for the Moonbee.

Julia & Paul - 10 points

Amanda - 4

Jennifer - 3

Rachel - 3

I'm not sure what to make of this team either. Amanda can't get through a sentence without saying "like" less than five times, Jennifer's breasts have been her only selling points thus far, and Rachel seems inconsequential. I'm not seeing it.

Andie & Eric - 10 points

Caila - 4

Emily - 3

Haley - 3

The Twins have held tough thus far, but their days are numbered. Caila's deep run won't be enough to bail the Schwartzes out.

Kelly & Phil - 10 points

Jubilee - 6

Becca - 2

Jami - 2

The Canadian only got K&P two points, but I still think this is the strongest team. Jubilee and Becca should accumulate lots of points en route to top 5 finishes.

Dregs - 9 points

Jackie - 1

Lace - 7

Mandi - 1

No one took the bait on Lace and no one's regretting it, but she'll likely score the most points of any first round pick.

Updated Points System

1 POINT

-Going on a group date

-Receiving a rose
-Crying on camera (maximum 1 cry per outfit worn)

2 POINTS
-Sneaking extra time with the Bachelor outside of standard date parameters
-Going on a 1-on-1 date
-Explicitly "winning" a group date
-Saying "I love you" or "I'm falling in love with you" directly to The Bachelor
-Accepting a marriage proposal from The Bachelor
-Season-specific bonus (???)
-Declaring virginity

3 POINTS
-Defeating another contestant in a 2-on-1 date
-Being the first to kiss The Bachelor on the lips (already achieved this season)
-Being the last team with all remaining contestants
-Going on a Hometown date
-Being invited to the Fantasy Suite
-Finishing in 2nd place
-Exiting the show prematurely on one's own accord

4 POINTS

-Becoming the next Bachelor(ette)

5 POINTS
-Finishing as the final contestant

-1 POINT
-Losing a 2-on-1 date

-3 POINTS
-Failing to get a rose during a 1-on-1 date
-Leaving the show
-Exiting the show prematurely and involuntarily

AUTOMATIC WIN
-Rejecting a marriage proposal from The Bachelor after the final rose ceremony