Episode 4

This week on the Bachelor they jump right in to the Hannah and Caelynn drama. Chris Harrison mixes up their names, which goes over like a lead balloon. It’s all forgotten as soon as he drops the “you’re going to Singapore” bomb. Hannah G. asks “Where is Singapore?”

What would make this 1 million percent better is if Hannah could get a date with Colton. Tom is impressed by the million percent. It shows Hannah’s commitment. I’m sure there a few girls out there who it would make things a billion percent better, so there’s always room for improvement.

Tayshia gets the 1 on 1. Colton updates his Vlog before his date in Singapore. He’s hoping he doesn’t die. It’d be sad, but it would be good TV. The dramatic music plays as Colton and Tayshia realize that bungee jumping takes places off a high point.

Cue the first shirtless shot of Colton - 15 minutes in.

Tayshia reveals that she is divorced. Colton looks a little pissed, but then says that he can’t judge another person's happiness. When Tayshia gets married again it will be “amazing” and gets a rose. Tom predicts a 5th place finish.

The group date includes: Hannah G, Elyse, Kirpa, Sydney, Heather, Onyeka, Tracy, Nicole, Demi, Courtney, Katie, Cassie, and Hannah B - let’s get a taste of Singapore! AKA Melissa’s dream date.

Demi, shockingly, is upset that more attention is taken away from her and onto the Hannah/Caelynn drama. She also, shockingly, is far too physical/aggressive for what is appropriate on a group date.

They get detoxified by leeches. Courtney wonders if they have been approved by the FDA. In Singapore.

One mention of BBQ seafood and Tom is mysteriously not a vegetarian anymore.

Hannah B claims she is pretty open to trying a bite of anything, however she continues to squirm at the thought of eating just about anything. Colton toasts to an adventurous wife - Hannah B is screwed.

Hannah B and Colton clear the air. Cassie gets her first screen time of the season. Colton has an undeniable connection - but not in a brother/sister way.

Courtney is pissed because she is being patient and sweet, which is silly on a TV show with 13 women and 1 man. Demi thinks she has a lazy approach. For the first time (in Bachelor history) I agree with Demi. Then Courtney and Demi have it out. But at the end of the day Courtney walked all the way upstairs to talk to Demi, not Colton.

Demi cries as she tells him her mom is being released from prison. He says he’s “not judging” this situation, although per Tom’s assessment he was obviously judging that. Colton gives Demi the rose. Tom is convinced that Colton is a bullshit artist.

Courtney cries. Nicole comforts her. I took this 100% legit quiz on Facebook about which Bachelor contestant I was (stop judging me). I got Nicole. Who did you get?

Caelynn goes downstairs after receiving a note from an old guy dressed in a top-hat. They get in a really sweet car and they don’t wear seatbelts. Hannah worries that he might buy her shoes and a dress (??). I worry that they might get in a car wreck and die as they’re ejected from their seats. Caelynn’s history as a beauty queen is serving her well as she struts out of the dressing room in zillions of different outfits.  Shockingly, Colton finds this beauty queen beautiful in every single outfit.

Hannah B cries. Cassie cries.

Caelynn hasn’t felt like herself in a long time. Colton gets a nervous look on his face as Caelynn gives a wind-up to pitching her sob story. Which actually did make me sob (#metoo). Also because of this patient I had at work a few months ago who was raped and couldn’t get a rape kit done because “Good Samaritan doesn’t have that ability”. I was so livid. They have since rectified that, but for that woman we could not get her valuable evidence that could support her case (he was let out on a $500 bond after 24 hours - causing our unit to be on lockdown). Two systems that are supposed to protect and serve let this woman down in the worst ways.

ANYWAY… Caelynn and Colton make out for a little while and walk thru some weird lighted towers. I suppose they are letting us assume that Caelynn gets the rose.

Which takes us to the rose ceremony cocktail party. Hannah G and Colton dry hump on his bed and then they remake his bed to hide the evidence.

Hannah B has been “thinking about wanting” to talk to Caelynn. But Caelynn beats her to it and pulls her aside - trying to put this petty drama to bed once and for all. Apologies are said, meant and accepted. Ok. That’s that. The end. That seemed easy. What do you think the chances are the Demi and Courtney can handle things as maturely?

Demi goes straight to Colton to tattle on Courtney calling her the “cancer of the house” warning him to not “waste his time on her”. Conveniently, Courtney interrupts their time next to tell her side. “Literally my worst enemy would not say that about me” Courtney remarks. Well, dear, I think she just did. Courtney makes Colton’s worst fear come alive as he realizes that this is a TV show and a game and he is the grand prize.

Shit hits the fan when Courtney polls the rest of the women on who thinks she is the cancer of the house. “BOOM” describes Onyeka. Cat fight. (insert eye roll emoji).

During the rose ceremony Caelynn and Demi hold hands for some reason, even though they both have roses already. Hannah G, Heather, Kirpa (I still don’t know what she sound like), Hannah B., Katie (I couldn’t have picked her out of the line-up and she’s on my team), Elyse, Sydney, Cassie, Nicole, Onyeka get roses.

Ending the drama between Courtney and Demi once and for all. Demi has this terrible smirk on her face and blows Courtney kisses goodbye. She’s really proving Courtney wrong about her not having much class…

Courtney and Tracy get sent home. Ousting the last of the Dregs of the season. Neither one cry. Neither do I. The credits let us know that maybe Hannah B is smarter than I thought for being discerning about her food choices as Onyeka barfs in a dumpster.

The teams are looking pretty good. I suck at drafting. But not as bad as Kelly and Phil this year (it’s like they’ve been busy with other things?!). I will cherish that 1 point lead I have on them until I don’t have it anymore (so, probably until next week). Not surprisingly Paul and Julia have the lead. Followed closely by Eric and his team of double-ups. He got lucky with his double ups - besides Caelynn those two contestants have the most points of anyone.

I tried harder this week to make sure the points were right, but as always verify for yourself if you care about that kind of thing.  And, looking ahead, I will need guest bloggers for the Feb 11th and March 4th. Feb 25th might be (more of) a bullet point blog, unless someone wants to take that too. Thanks! :)