Chris Harrison introduced the three-hour finale featuring “the most controversial” and “scandalous” Bachelor in history, teasing a “completely unedited” final sequence. In Cusco, Arie met up with his parents. “Is that where Emperor’s New Groove was?” Melissa wondered. We briefly mistook Arie’s dad for Neil Lane the ring guy. It only took 4 minutes for Melissa to check her phone, for me to check the Rockets-Thunder game and for Bailey to situate himself and fall asleep. Arie’s mom sparked an inquiring discussion of what exactly “botox” is. Arie spoke to an unidentified couple who may have been his sister and brother-in-law while Lauren B cried to Arie’s mom.
Melissa and I tried and failed to identify another couple
shown talking in the family. Becca showed up. “I like Lauren but I also like
Becca,” the mom, who was named Mieke, said. “Sounds like the family’s down with
polygamy,” Melissa said. Arie’s dad and other family members actively compared
Becca to Lauren, causing the former to cry. Arie’s mom said she thought Becca
was better and so did his dad and sister.
Caroline came on to talk with Chris Harrison about her
cryptic dissing of Arie. She got more cryptic. “If the rumors are true, what he
did was unforgivable,” she said. “There’s no other way around it.” Arie and
Lauren went to Machu Picchu. “It’s gonna be, like, breathtaking,” Arie hyped. It
was pretty cool. During a boring night date, Melissa went to get us some
popcorn and chocolate milk while Arie and Lauren had a dull conversation.
Chris Harrison again hyped “the first uncut, unedited scene
in reality TV history” before throwing it back to Cusco. Arie and Becca went to
a market and tried on hats and sweaters, then pet alpacas in a city square. They
had an extremely boring conversation about their future and their confidence as
Melissa arrived back downstairs with the popcorn. Ben H - whose choice of the
other Lauren B turned out to be a fail - and another former Bachelor named Jason
came on to talk briefly to Harrison.
“You will see that emotional, raw scene uncut and unedited
with both cameras visible at all times,” Harrison hyped again. Neil Lane came
on for a moment. Harrison mentioned the final scene again. “It is the most
controversial scene in Bachelor history, and it is completely unedited and
uncut,” he explained.
The last day of the show arrived. “Oh my gosh! I feel very good going into today,” Lauren B gushed.
“I’m very very excited and I don’t have any doubts. I can’t even imagine him
not proposing to me today! I think Arie and I have a connection that’s far
behind anything that most people have in their lifetime.” Then she gave Arie a speech
about how much she loved him. He got rid of her. “Well, I wish you the
best,” Lauren said, and cried as alpacas watched her leave.
“What will happen next?” Harrison inquired rhetorically.
“We’ll find out later, when we watch the first unedited scene in reality TV
history,” he reminded. Becca came to see Arie in a garden by a brown river. Arie
said his love for Becca was “unmeasurable” which is not a word. Then he asked
Becca to marry her and she said “Of course.” “Is this really the end of the
story?" Harrison asked. “You’ll witness something that you’ve never seen before – not only on
this show, but on any network reality show.”
Weeks later, Arie, after walking under an umbrella during a
rain shower, decided to break up with Becca and go after Lauren. They brought
the unsuspecting Becca back onto the show and filmed her saying a bunch of nice
things about Arie. Chris Harrison sucked his breath in sharply. “I can only
imagine, Bachelor Nation, what you’re going through at home right now,” he
said. “What you’re about to watch is so real and raw, we thought it would be
best that we showed it to you unedited, in real time, with both cameras rolling
and visible simultaneously, so you can see everything. Fair warning – it just
might be the most emotional scene ever,” he finished.
It didn’t turn out to be the most emotional scene ever. It
was actually a pretty standard breakup. Becca cursed a lot. “Oh my [bleep]ing
god,” she kept on saying. Arie went outside and stared for a while while Becca
wept. Then he came back in and sat on a couch and stared some more. She cried
while standing against a doorway. Melissa did calisthenics. “To say this is
trending and blowing up social media right now is a gross understatement,”
Harrison said. Becca asked Arie to leave at least four times but he didn’t.
“Okay, I’m gonna go,” Arie eventually said. He then stared at Becca for a while before finally walking
out.
Becca came on to talk with Chris Harrison. She told him she
hadn’t spoken with Arie since the breakup. Harrison announced there wasn’t
enough time to finish, but the network had granted them an additional two-hour After The Final Rose the next night (for a five-hour finale in total). Melissa
and I went on to that since it was already on the DVR because we watched on Tuesday
night. Arie went and talked to the former-Bachelor Jason before going to visit
Lauren B with a camera crew. Arie claimed to have a panic attack. Becca looked
through some polaroids of her and Arie while weeping.
They brought on Seinne, Kendall, Bekah, Caroline and Tia to
discuss. Bekah’s earrings looked like Christmas trees, or green mushrooms. They
had a few disparaging things to say about Arie before Becca came back on. She
talked for a while with Harrison before Arie came on. Arie and Becca had a
surprisingly boring conversation about their breakup while I sweated the end of
a Pelicans-Clippers game. Melissa notified me Kendall was crying. Arie
apologized to Becca, noting how conflicted he was.
Then that Bachelor Jason guy came on with the woman he wound
up with after pulling an Arie. Jason recommended Arie avoid big cities. Lauren
came on next and the conversation got boring. “At the end of the day, was it
all worth it?” Harrison asked. Arie said yes and asked Lauren B to marry him.
“Definitely,” she said and cried.
They announced Becca would be the next Bachelorette. There
was a big group hug on the couch. Melissa and I realized we were on our fifth
hour of Bachelor of the night. They made a fake mansion and brought out some
guys to meet Becca: a nervous black man with an accent we couldn’t identify who
called Arie a wanker, a nervous white man who smiled a lot and complimented
Becca on her smile, a guy playing a banjo, a guy who apologized on behalf of
his gender and a guy with a horse.
Final Standings
Kelly & Phil - 97 points
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3. Becca - 39
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Becca's monstrous finish - five points for finishing as the final contestant, four points for becoming the next Bachelorette, two points for a date, two cries and one rose for a total of fourteen - catapulted her well ahead of Lauren B and Kelly & Phil ahead of Julia and Paul for the season victory. Becca pretty clearly "finished as the final contestant" and very clearly "became the next Bachelorette." The only action of possible dispute was whether or not she "left the show" or "exited the show prematurely and involuntarily." I don't think either of these things happened. Becca won "the show" and then ABC showed what happened afterwards - Arie broke up with her and got together with Lauren B. I thought the scoring was open and shut, but I'm willing to listen to arguments otherwise. Even if we did punish Becca three points for exiting outside of a rose ceremony, K&P would still win by a point (assuming I added everything correctly throughout the season, which is unlikely). Here's one more congratulations added to the loads Kelly & Phil have been receiving lately!
Julia & Paul - 93 points
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On the other side of the coin is Lauren B, who I believe clearly finished in second place and didn't receive the final rose. It looks like everything worked out for the best - Boring B and Arduous Arie get each other while likable Becca gets to choose from more interesting men - but Lauren B didn't win the game. She won the epilogue. Not bad for a fifth-round pick.
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4. Lauren B - 34
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I thought it was interesting that the dude who previously "pulled an Arie" and the runner-up he flipped back to are still together. It makes sense that a relationship started like that would have a better chance at lasting than a typical garden-variety going-through-the-motions Bachelor pairing.
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+3 last team standing bonus
With Becca next Bachelorette, that likely means we've seen the last of Tia - unless ABC does some sort of Arkansas spinoff with a simultaneous Raven and Tia or something.
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2. Becca - 39
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Becca's surge blasted Bri & Doug out of the basement they resided in for most of the season. Becca's 39 points was the highest score of any contestant since Whitney.
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I don't know if we'll watch any more Bachelor. This was a dreary season until the finale, which might have been riveting if it wasn't five hours long. I'm feeling like the show, the blog, and the pool has run its course. I dunno, though. There isn't much on TV in June. We'll see.
