Episodes Three, Four, and Five

Synopsis 

Episode Three

I wrote the first half of the blog on gmail on Paul’s computer and forgot to send it to myself before he left for the airport. Then it was somehow lost, never to be found, even though gmail always autosaves every draft you write. So I sort of went back and rewatched, mostly to tally the points. But his comments have been lost forever.

Chase and JoJo did yoga with a weird lady. JoJo sat in his lap and they made out. Chad complained about going on a huge group date, rankling the other dudes, especially the Marine. On the group date they had to tell sexual stories. Some were funny. Evan conspired with the Marine to make fun of Chad, then did while the Marine gleefully encouraged him. Chad looked angry. Chad ripped Evan’s shirt while walking past him onto the stage. Then Chad made JoJo come on stage and attempted to make out with her in front of the audience. But she turned her cheek and the Marine applauded loudly and yelled “Crash and burn, brother!” Then Chad tossed the mic and walked off the stage. Then he punched a door. Then he told Evan “You’re gonna f#%#in die.”

Evan told JoJo he was going to leave the show if Chad stayed around. JoJo took Evan aside to have a conversation with him. It looked like she was going to get rid of him and keep Chad but then the edit flipped and she gave Evan the date rose. But she didn't get rid of Chad. But Evan didn't leave the show. Chad was perturbed. He made that clear to JoJo in front of the other guys.  “The most awkward moment I’ve ever been a part of…it’s awesome!” Aaron Rodgers’s little brother exclaimed.

James Taylor and JoJo went swing dancing with an old woman and people in the streets. James said he wasn’t good at dancing. He smiled a lot and acted enthusiastic. During the night portion of the date James Taylor admitted having confidence issues with girls, then played his guitar and sung for JoJo which enticed her to make out with him which raised his confidence.

Chris Harrison came and told the guys there would be a pool party instead of a cocktail party. Someone wore a tuxedo. The guys synchronized a dive into the pool. Evan started bleeding. At the Rose Ceremony, Chad got the last rose. The semi-black guy, the Iranian, and Santa Claus packed their bags.

Episode Four

They went to Pennsylvania. For some reason JoJo took an old mail plane. Luke and JoJo took a dogsled ride to a hot tub. Luke chopped wood. Then they got in a hot tub and drank champagne and ate strawberries and surprisingly didn’t make out much. At dinner Luke told war stories. Then they made out. Then they went to a concert and danced and made out on a mini-stage in front of a country band on stage.

The bulk of the dudes went to Heinz Field to play football with Ben Roethlisberger, Hines Ward and Brett Keisel. Big Ben asked JoJo what guys she liked. She highlighted Chase, who had “shot up to the front”, James Taylor, Jordan, and Evan, who struggled and fell down a couple times. James Taylor bled.

 

The Marine promoted his upcoming 2-on-1 with Chad. “It’s gonna come down to who’s the better man. Who does she really want? There’s no way in Hell that Chad is the right guy for JoJo,” he said confidently.

For the football game on the group date, they had Aaron Rodgers’s little brother be the all-time quarterback. He was “dropping dimes,” in his own words. Melissa asked me what “dropping dimes” meant. Evan got a bloody nose again. On the last play of the game, Derek stripped Wells of the ball and ran it all the way back for a walkoff defensive touchdown to give the blue team a dramatic victory.

Their prize was a night with JoJo. Robby made out with her on a pool table. “I don’t know if we did more talking or more kissing during our time together,” he said. But Aaron Rodgers’s little brother got the date rose.

“You’re a whiny little bitch,” Chad said to Alex. “I can’t wait to see you go home," the Marine responded. "Because you burned yourself here, you showed the entire world what kind of piece of s**t you are."

The Marine further promoted the upcoming 2-on-1 like the third movie in a big budget Hollywood summer superhero movie. “I can promise you, tomorrow, this is gonna end for good,” he said before putting on his U.S.A. socks and military boots. Chad threatened Aaron Rodgers’s little brother.

Chad and the Marine went on their much-promoted two-on-one date. The Marine told JoJo Chad was mean and threatened Aaron Rodgers’s little brother. JoJo said she was shocked by what she was hearing which was strange because they showed like eight different dudes in the house tell  her Chad was mean and scary. JoJo confronted Chad about it and Chad had no way of explaining being mean and scary. She left and he threw a coffee cup in a riverbed.

Chad and the Marine got into an argument which climaxed in a disagreement on milk. “The hay is in the barn, dude,” the Marine said. “The pigs are in the castle,” Chad responded. Chad couldn’t deny threatening people and being mean so JoJo got rid of him. The episode ended with Chad scarily whistling and walking through the woods to the hotel where the guys were staying. Then there was a creepy commercial for the next episode involving more bleeding.


Episode Five

The guys celebrated the Marine’s victory over Chad. They had a funeral for Chad with his protein powder. Chad came by the house and acted like Chad. Then he left. The guys celebrated the Marine’s return. They called him “Dragonslayer” and put cake in his face.

"What happened to James Taylor's eye?" Melissa asked. I was wondering the same thing. It was gashed. Chase and JoJo got inside huge plastic balls. Robby made a wish and kissed her in front of a fountain, making other guys jealous. James F read JoJo a poem before the Marine interrupted. Luke told JoJo “I’m falling for you” but didn’t mention the word “love” so he didn’t get points. There was a rose ceremony. JoJo got rid of James F and the Canadian. The Canadian didn’t seem too disappointed. “I got a better chance of being struck by lightning while, yaknow, shaving my face,” he said. Melissa didn't seem disappointed either. "I want the Canadian to go - don cha know?" she said. "YES! 'you guys take care, eh' ha! Such a Canadian thing to say! Humility is not his strong suit. Neither is witty commentary."

They went to Uruguay. Melissa noticed Vinny referred to JoJo as "a future wife of mine" and commented that JoJo was "apparently #1 of many." Aaron Rodgers’s little brother got to go on a one-on-one date, which aroused jealousy in some of the other guys. Vinny gave the Marine a haircut and showed the guys a gossip magazine that said JoJo might still be getting it on with her ex-boyfriend. "Everyone knows that the most reliable source of news is tabloids," Melissa noted.

Speaking of exes, JoJo expressed concern about Aaron Rodgers’s little brother to the cameras. “I met a girl who used to date Jordan, and I was told that he wasn’t the best boyfriend, as far as relationships go,” she said. At dinner she questioned Aaron Rodgers’s little brother about it. He looked panicked and took a sip of his cocktail. Then he admitted “I wasn’t the best person all the time.” “Was there cheating?” JoJo asked. “No,” he quickly responded. They went to a plaza where a mariachi band was playing and made out in its midst.

A producer showed JoJo the magazine article. She said it wasn’t true and that her ex was jealous. She cried. She told the guys it wasn’t true.

Most of the guys went surfing on sand dunes with JoJo. At night Derek made out with JoJo and the Marine didn’t like it. The Marine liked it even less when Derek got the date rose. “He’s an insecure little bitch,” said the Marine.

JoJo and Robby briefly played hide ‘n’ seek with a dog on a beach. They went to a small cliff overlooking the sea. Robby called it “one of the most beautiful views” even though it was totally cloudy and all you could see was gray. I googled Robby, found out he was from Jacksonville, Florida, and understood. They took their clothes off. They were wearing swimsuits underneath. For some reason Melissa thought I would like Robby's. They jumped into the ocean and made out. At dinner Robby told JoJo his best friend drove off a bridge while texting and died, which inspired Robby to quit his job, dump his longterm girlfriend, move, and go on The Bachelorette. Then he told JoJo he’d fallen in love with her. “Thank you so much,” she said. Then they made out in front of a fireworks display. "YAY! Fireworks!" Melissa exclaimed. "Showering our Earth with heavy metals that pollute our soil and ground water! Yay! So pretty!"

At the beginning of the cocktail party, Derek took Chase, the Marine, and Aaron Rodgers’s little brother aside to let them know he didn’t like how they were treating him. They didn’t like it. The Marine called Derek a “whiny little bitch” to the cameras, not his face. There was no cocktail party. JoJo got rid of three dudes – Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Guy, Grant the Firefighter, and Vinny the Barber. Evan and Vinny cried. It looked like Grant might have been crying too, but he didn’t in the show.

Standings

Andrea & Zack -  24 points

James Taylor - 10
Chad - 3
Vinny - 8
+3 last team standing bonus

Nothing to see here. James Taylor is a dog to make hometowns and a huge dog to go any further.

Julia & Paul - 23 points

Robby - 11

Ali - 3

Evan - 9
Ali in the second was costly, but Paulia is in the mix for a title. Evan outscored the other third round picks, and Robby appears to be going deep.

Melissa & Tom - 19 points

Luke - 9

Derek - 9

Will - 1
Derek's "pity rose" secured his spot for the episode and garnered him an extra point. He and Wells are the only second round picks that have remotely panned out. Or in Melissa's words "Derek is very cute but very very boring. However: cha-ching!"

Bri & Doug - 18 points

Chase - 8

Wells - 9

Nick - 1
Chase looks like a hometowner, though the big trailer hinted at some drama with him. Wells desperately needs a one-on-one.

Kelly & Phil - 18 points

Jordan - 10

Christian - 3

James F - 5
This team has always resided squarely on Jordan's shoulders. They need Derek and Wells out soon to be able to hang with their rivals. 

Andie & Eric - 16 points

Alex - 9

Grant - 7

James S - 0
Eric Schwartz drafted horrendously this season. The Marine will likely be out next week and A&E will finish last by a mile. This team never had a chance.