Synopsis
It started off with some pregnant lady who used to be on the
show and her husband wasting our time for a few minutes while we roasted in my
scorching condo. The lady had a hole in her dress so they rubbed jelly on her
belly and did an ultrasound on the lady. “This is why it’s two hours,” Paul
said. Bag made a What if the baby was dead? joke. I laughed but Andrea turned and
gave him a look of horror and Paul smacked him with a negative comment. The
baby turned out to be a boy. The impending dad was excited to watch football
with him.
“Fasten your seatbelts, America,” Chris Harrison said before
showing a meandering five-minute quick-edit trailer for Bachelor in Paradise that
featured handcuffs, an ambulance, ominous Harrison soundbytes and a lot of
skin. “How are we going to gamble on this?” Bag asked feverishly.
The dudes who Andi rejected showed up wearing scarves. Nick
the bald golfer who we drafted had hair plugs. Dylan didn’t appear suicidal.
The dudes barely got a word in before they showed another epic quick-edit
montage of stuff we’d already seen. During a review of the "Blackie Incident",
Andrew accidentally called Marquel “Ron” which was the name of the other black
dude on the show.
The most exciting thing that happened during the ten minutes
of Blackie Incident Breakdown was that a bird slammed into our living room
window. Maybe it was a tropical bird seeking the rainforest-like conditions in
our house. The second most exciting thing was watching Bailey try to steal
Melissa’s seat when she went to get an ice water. Both animals were soundly
rejected.
The most exciting thing that happened during Marquel’s “hot
seat” interview was the sun went down and the temperature fell a couple
degrees inside our house.
Marcus’s interview with Harrison served as another advertisement
for Bachelor In Paradise. Then the farmer guy came on. Melissa said “I’d date a
farmer,” before hastily adding “if I wasn’t engaged.” Andrea mumbled something
flattering about the farmer. They showed the farmer’s ugly exit from the show while Bag
joked “Whelp. See ya later!”
“He’s such an overall good guy!” Andrea gushed. Melissa instantly
concurred and Bag accused him of being a Monsanto farmer. Then some random
Canadian chick came down to meet him and ask him out while Dylan yelled “YOLO!”
Andi came on and deftly quieted the likes of Farmer, Marcus,
MeatHead and Marquel. Somehow Hair Plug Nick got his third monologue of the
show in even though he was voted out before Lamp Guy, Opera Guy and Forgotten
Firefighter. Harrison asked Andi about Doug's pregnancy rumors which she denied.
Then Harrison broke out the lie detector results. Brian, JJ and the farmer
(surprise, surprise) passed the test flawlessly. The test said Marcus lied
about sleeping with fewer than twenty women, Dylan lied about preferring
brunettes and being ready for marriage, and Josh lied about something Andi
decided to keep in the envelope.
Standings
Marcus: 20
Brian: 11.5
Andrew: 4.5
Nick S: .5
JJ: 8.5
Eric: 0
Marquel: 5
Chris: 23
Patrick: 5
Ron: 2
Dylan: 9
Tasos: 1.5
Craig: .5
Bradley: 2
Brett: 2
Carl: .5
Cody: 5
Cody, on the other hand, looks like the same FriendZone MeatHead he was this season.
Standings
Kelly & Phil: 39 points
+3 team bonus
Am I remembering that it's usually the "Tell All" episode when they reveal the next Bachelor(ette)? Or is it "After the Final Rose"? Or might they reveal him during Bachelor in Paradise?
Melissa & Tom: 35.5 points
Nick V: 26.5
As recapped last week, we are the favorites to take this title, but Bag made a good point that Andi not revealing Josh's lie detector fails
gives him a shot in the finale. If Andi had his results shown, chances
are she wouldn't currently be in a relationship with him.
Andrea & Zack: 32 points
Josh M: 27
Marquel will be an intriguing Bachelor in Paradise sleeper, just as he was this season. The presence of other non-white women will bolster his chances of accruing points.
Bri & Doug: 30 points
Cheer up Farmer fans. This time a year ago we were bemoaning Zak W - and look what happened to him.
Andie & Eric: 13 points
Dylan - who had "the personality of a yam" according to Phil - looks tanned, rested and refreshed coming off a debaucherous stay in Paradise. He'll be an intriguing Bachelor in Paradise draft pick.
Dregs: 9.5 points
Well congrats to whomever steals this one away. As for Marcus being the next bachelor, if he hadn't gone on the paradise show I just might have given it a chance. Unfortunately, the only top finisher this year not on that show is Chris. Which, boredom help us if he is the next bachelor. Time for some fresh blood in there.
ReplyDeleteIf Marcus hadn't done that show, you guys will have a real sweat going.
They typically reveal the next Bachelor/Bachelorette on the "After the Rose" show.
Odds
ReplyDeleteNick: 2/3
Josh: 1/3
1. JJ passed the lie detector test. Andrew is an ass. Is there any doubt who was lying in the blackie incident?
2. How about JJ interrupting Marquel's lead-in to the hot seat!?
3. JJ was an awful pick by the team of Melissa & Tom (as was Nick S), but that pants guy is probably going to be key for getting you the win.
4. How is Craig not on Bachelor in Paradise? A colossal mistake on the part of the producers.
5. When Josh says he's in love with Andie, I feel like he's trying to convince both himself and the audience that he's in love with Andie. It's hard to be in love with your brother and a woman at the same time.
6. Bachelor in Paradise looks so trashy.
7. Farmer will be the next Bachelor. Unless he marries that Canadian woman. There are no other options from this season unless they choose the runner-up.