Synopsis
Fantasy Suites
JoJo got rid of Luke after all. She cried a lot. He put his head in his hands in the hearse but it was unclear if he cried.
Chad was spotted eating a yam. There was a preview for Bachelor in Paradise that showed Nick V falling to the depths of that girl Amanda who says "“like” twelve times a sentence and Wells dipping down to Ashley Kardashian.
JoJo got rid of Luke after all. She cried a lot. He put his head in his hands in the hearse but it was unclear if he cried.
JoJo seemed to recover quickly, as she enthusiastically took
Robby to a market in Thailand. They got foot massages during a rainstorm, then
made out in front of the masseurs. At dinner Robby rocked his usual white
pant/t-shirt/sportcoat combo. “He’s from Florida?” Melissa asked. “He seems
like he’s from Florida.” Robby gave JoJo a nice note his dad had written him.
Melissa questioned if he wrote it himself. They spent the night in the fantasy
suite and got a big, diverse breakfast spread right on their bed. “It makes it
easy to picture waking up with Robby every day,” JoJo said.
JoJo immediately headed off to her date with Jordan while
Melissa made a walk of shame joke. They went to some caves where they weren’t
allowed to make out. They had to converse instead, which caused Melissa and I
to talk about Odd13 Brewery and take this picture of Bailey.
Jordan tossed on a
sportcoat for dinner and gave JoJo vague, sterile answers to her questions
about the future. They were good enough to get into the fantasy suite.
“We’re eating our first breakfast together,” JoJo said the
next morning. Melissa noticed she’d used that exact same line with Robby. JoJo
took another walk of shame, this time on the beach, to a temple. I made a
comment about Chase’s “medical sales rep” profession, which made me think of Phil
as well as the Jake Gyllenhaal character from “Love and Other Drugs.” Melissa
somehow didn’t know who Jake Gyllenhaal was until a google image search.
Robby snuck into JoJo’s dwelling in between the day and
night portions of her date with Chase, grabbing two more points to extend his
and Paulia’s lead on the field. At dinner Chase told JoJo he was in love with
her. She kissed him “to make him stop talking” (Melissa) and thanked him. Then
she went outside and cried, came back in and dumped him. Chase said he was
“skewered” and “shattered”, cried a little, said it was like “getting your
pants pulled down and then kicked in the nuts” but handled it relatively well
overall.
Chase crashed the rose ceremony to tell JoJo he thought she
was swell and that he was available “down the road.” JoJo cried once more while
I perused Chase’s instagram. He turned out to be a redneck. JoJo gave Jordan
and Robby roses while a monkey skittered above, snooping.
The Men Tell All
Chad was spotted eating a yam. There was a preview for Bachelor in Paradise that showed Nick V falling to the depths of that girl Amanda who says "“like” twelve times a sentence and Wells dipping down to Ashley Kardashian.
The Marine became confrontational during a conversation
about how confrontational he was. Wells likened Chad to Voldemort. There was a
big Chad recap followed by a big Chad interview. Chad called Grant “Darryl” for
some reason. Chad revealed he’d dated both Grant’s ex-girlfriend and Robby’s
ex-girlfriend in recent months. The Santa Claus guy challenged Chad to a fight
on stage. Chad said they shouldn’t because they were wearing dress shoes.
Luke came on and acquitted himself well. "It seems like you're ready to love again," Chris Harrison said to conclude the interview, perhaps teasing him as the next Bachelor. Chase came on and acquitted himself fairly well. JoJo came on and acquitted herself quite well. Then Vinny's mom came on and acquitted her son well.
Finale
Chris Harrison announced it was a three-hour finale. Melissa
and I groaned simultaneously. Then we ate more of our anniversary wedding cake
which was delicious. We washed it down with peach-agave cider. In the studio
they showed Ben from last season and Lauren B who he chose. Chad and some other
guys who lost were also there.
JoJo’s super-Texan dad, her mom who drank wine straight from
the bottle last season, her intimidating brothers, and some woman we assumed
was one of the brothers’ wives showed up in Thailand. “I think I love both of
them,” JoJo said and the wine-drinking mom looked appalled. “She’s had her fair
share of plastic surgery as well,” Melissa noted. “Maybe it was like a
mother-daughter thing they did together,” she added, then complimented Jordan’s
choice of flower bouquet.
Jordan met the family. They wore silly hats and laughed.
Then JoJo’s mom grilled Jordan. “JoJo has trust issues with men,” she
explained. “How you gonna handle that?” “Give me your word, that you will never
break my daughter’s heart,” she demanded. “Absolutely not. I promise,” Jordan
responded. JoJo’s mom went on to express concern to JoJo because they were too
similar and Jordan got as much attention as her when walking into rooms. “Do
you like Jordan?” JoJo asked. “Yes. Who doesn’t like Jordan?” JoJo’s mom asked.
“Aaron,” I said. Jordan failed to ask JoJo’s dad if he could marry her.
Robby’s bouquet wasn’t as good, in Melissa’s opinion.
Soraya, JoJo’s mom, had a favorable first impression. He was a “gentleman” who
“wasn’t flying off the roof.” JoJo’s intimidating brothers observed zero red
flags with him. He had an encouraging meeting with Soraya after which Melissa
declared “He’s winning.” Then Robby gave Soraya and the super-Texan dad a
reasonably eloquent and well-executed inquiry for their blessing which brought
the dad, JoJo and Melissa to tears.
JoJo’s family told her Jordan didn’t ask for their blessing,
upsetting JoJo. She cried a lot over the big decision between Jordan and Robby.
Then she went swimming at a beach near Phuket with Robby. At night they had a
very long and boring conversation before parting.
JoJo and Jordan went sea kayaking to a small beach where
they took off their shirts and drank what looked like wine. JoJo expressed
concern over Jordan’s failure to secure her dad’s blessing. I think I fell
asleep for a moment. We resumed the next evening.
Neil the Ring Guy came by. Robby and Jordan selected similar
rings. Jordan called JoJo’s parents and got their blessing, then wrote a letter
to JoJo. Robby also wrote a letter but his was blander. JoJo and the guys read while
dressing up from underwear to fancy suits.
“This is going to be painful,” Chris Harrison said as he
introduced the final segment. “I think it is going to be Jordan,” Melissa
wavered. “Or…Robby.” Robby came out first. “This is going to be so sad,”
Melissa said. “Only if Robby’s going home,” I responded. “Robby is going home,” she said. “He got out of
the limo first.”
It was Robby. He got halfway through a praising speech
before “Joelle” as she was suddenly being called by both guys cut him off and
told him not to “get down on a knee” as both guys were suddenly calling it.
JoJo got rid of Robby. Both cried quite a bit.
Jordan came on, praised JoJo, got down on a knee, and
shipped it.
After the Final Rose
Robby came on. He seemed to be doing okay. He said some boring and predictable things to JoJo while I wrote up the last paragraph. Chris Harrison asked JoJo who should be the next Bachelor. She suggested Chase and Luke and Luke got more cheers from the audience. Then Chad self-promoted himself drawing some cheers and some boos. I asked Melissa if we could have anniversary cake at the next break and she said yes. JoJo said she had cried herself to sleep because of tabloid rumors but Jordan had been comforting.
Robby came on. He seemed to be doing okay. He said some boring and predictable things to JoJo while I wrote up the last paragraph. Chris Harrison asked JoJo who should be the next Bachelor. She suggested Chase and Luke and Luke got more cheers from the audience. Then Chad self-promoted himself drawing some cheers and some boos. I asked Melissa if we could have anniversary cake at the next break and she said yes. JoJo said she had cried herself to sleep because of tabloid rumors but Jordan had been comforting.
Jordan came on wearing another good suit. “Ya did good, kid,
ya did good,” Chris Harrison said. They talked vaguely about “difficult
circumstances” related to the tabloids. Harrison showed them an optimistic
People Magazine cover with them on it. Melissa and I talked about how “getting
down on a knee” meant winning the game in football, which was probably why
Jordan kept calling it that. JoJo and Jordan expressed a mutual love for
Chipotle, which I refer to as “ChiGOATle”, as in Greatest Of All Time. They
said they were buying a house in Dallas, which I noted was a downward move for
Jordan from Northern California.
Harrison steered the conversation towards Aaron Rodgers.
“Has anything changed?” Harrison asked. Jordan dodged the question. “We got
furniture to buy,” he explained. “Have you met Aaron?” Harrison asked JoJo. She
gave a vague answer on the “no” spectrum. There was a big Bachelor in Paradise
preview which mildly intrigued me because Nick V. was on it.
Standings
1. Julia & Paul - 46 points
Robby - 34
Ali - 3
Evan - 9
Robby turned on the afterburners like a champion swimmer on the final length, hilariously even stealing two extra points on the rarely seen "extra time" maneuver. It didn't matter that he didn't close - J&P's lead was too large. Evan was a crucial third round pick, netting a round-high 9 points. And Robby made up for Ali with his relentless point-scoring. Cheers to the champs.
This is a couple that is kicking some serious ass right now. Bagging 14ers and Bachelorette titles, crushing half a dozen different races, wedding planning. Beasts.
Christian - 3
James F - 5
Jordan actually finished a point behind Robby the Relentless. I think the scoring is okay and we should award points for crying for men and points for dropping a "right reasons." What suggestions do you guys have?
Chase - 24
Wells - 8
Nick - 1
Thought next Bachelor hasn't been announced yet and could swing our pool months after the finale, that announcement won't determine this season. It could have an effect on draft order if Chase, Luke or James Taylor is chosen.
Luke - 18
Derek - 9
Will - 1
I still like Luke as next Bachelor, but Melissa doesn't see it. I suppose Robby is the favorite, Chase and Luke will get consideration, and James Taylor is the darkhorse. I won't be excited to watch any of these dudes. I'm hoping they let Nick V take a shot at it. Or bring back Juan Pablo for another term.
4. Andrea & Zack - 28 points
Robby turned on the afterburners like a champion swimmer on the final length, hilariously even stealing two extra points on the rarely seen "extra time" maneuver. It didn't matter that he didn't close - J&P's lead was too large. Evan was a crucial third round pick, netting a round-high 9 points. And Robby made up for Ali with his relentless point-scoring. Cheers to the champs.
This is a couple that is kicking some serious ass right now. Bagging 14ers and Bachelorette titles, crushing half a dozen different races, wedding planning. Beasts.
2. Kelly & Phil - 41 points
Jordan - 33
Jordan actually finished a point behind Robby the Relentless. I think the scoring is okay and we should award points for crying for men and points for dropping a "right reasons." What suggestions do you guys have?
3. Bri & Doug - 33 points
Thought next Bachelor hasn't been announced yet and could swing our pool months after the finale, that announcement won't determine this season. It could have an effect on draft order if Chase, Luke or James Taylor is chosen.
4. Melissa & Tom - 28 points
I still like Luke as next Bachelor, but Melissa doesn't see it. I suppose Robby is the favorite, Chase and Luke will get consideration, and James Taylor is the darkhorse. I won't be excited to watch any of these dudes. I'm hoping they let Nick V take a shot at it. Or bring back Juan Pablo for another term.
4. Andrea & Zack - 28 points
Funny that Chad only scored three points this season despite getting the third-most airtime of anyone. Maybe we need to adjust the rules to give more points to confrontational "diva" players like Chad or Olivia. Or maybe not.
6. Andie & Eric - 17 points
"With the first pick, in the the 2017 Bachelor draft, Andie & Eric select _________..."
