Episode 2

Synopsis

Andi got ready for her first first date. “She’s already wearing makeup and she’s putting on makeup,” Melissa said.

Andi came over to the mansion. Half the dudes forgot to put on shirts. Eric the Dead Explorer went on a date with Andi. They drove to the beach.

“What is this place called?” Eric asked. “This place is called the beach,” Andi said.

Then they got into a helicopter and I said Andi wasn’t that into him. Melissa said “they’re having a nice time.” I said of course they were, they were in a freaking helicopter on their way from the beach to the top of a mountain. They went snowboarding. It was Andi’s second time ever, but Eric was good. 

Andi kept talking about how good Eric was at everything and how hot he was, but something seemed to be missing. They mostly talked about what an amazing date they were having, but then Eric told a dramatic story about his trip to Syria. Then he worried about Andi giving him the date rose. I said “Shut up dude, you’ve never failed at anything in your life.” 

“Except base jumping,” Melissa said. 

Andi gave him the rose. Then they ate marshmallows by the fire – but they hadn’t touched their dinners yet. “Their mothers would be very disappointed,” Melissa said.

There was a humongous group date where the dudes stripped. Nick S. dressed as a robot and Craig kept saying goofy things. Kelly and Sharleen from last season showed up, even though Sharleen supposedly lives in Canada, or Germany, or Utopia.

Brian tricked Andi into thinking he was a teacher even though he’s like an assistant high school basketball coach.

Craig got drunk and acted goofy. “There’s always one guy who gets shitfaced…” Bag had said last week. He was one week off. Ron the "Beverage Sales Manager" was quick to diagnose the problem. “One too many drinks,” Ron said. He would know.

Marcus began a lucrative season of point-production by winning the group date rose.

Andi said she didn’t know much about Chris other than he was a farmer and he was from Iowa. So she really only knew one thing about him. They went to a horse track and rooted for a horse named “9.” Then an old couple that was obviously planted by the producers told them romantic history and advice. “I’m here with the most amazing woman on this planet,” Chris said. 

“I want to know his sample size,” Melissa said.

They talked for a while and then a dude with the beard of a Viking and the voice of a 9-year-old girl sang for them. Chris kissed Andi on the lips while dancing so Bri & Doug got three points.

“Bri & Doug: sitting pretty,” Melissa said. 

“They’re not sitting pretty, their team is horrible,” I said.

For the rose ceremony, Andi came in wearing a low-cut dress and there was a creepy shot of Josh M.  zeroing in on her chest like the fastballs he used to (not well enough) swing at. Shortly afterwards he kissed her. Craig played guitar and sang her a goofy apologetic song.

Then the Pacers lost to the Heat.

Melissa made fun of Ron for saying “sure” when Andi asked him if he would accept her rose. “Maybe he prefers daisies,” she said.

Obviously Craig went home, but surprisingly, so did Nick S. and Carl. 

Standings

Bri & Doug: 9 points

Chris: 6

Patrick: 1.5

Ron: 1.5

Enjoy the lead while it lasts, DouBri. It won't for long. Andi isn't moving to Iowa, Patrick is a douche and Ron is in beverage sales.

Andrea & Zack: 6 points

Josh M: 1.5

Eric: 3

Marquel: 1.5

I can't stop thinking about Josh M's younger brother, Aaron, whenever I see him, because I recently saw Gruden's QB Camp with Aaron. I might be the only person in the world who watches every episode of Gruden's QB Camp and The Bachelorette.

Kelly & Phil: 5 points

Marcus: 2.5

Brian: 1.5

Andrew: 1

If we drafted again today, Marcus would still be the first man off the board. This is the Andrew Luck of Bachelorette prospects.

Dregs: 5 points

Bradley: 1.5

Brett: 1.5

Carl: .5

Cody: 1.5

The firefighter was incapable of stringing two complete sentences together, but he has to be asking himself why he was sent home before Lamp Guy, MeatHead and Opera Guy.

Andie & Eric: 3.5 points

Dylan: 1.5

Tasos: 1.5

Craig: .5

Props to Eric for calling his own team out on his comment to the last blog. Awful team.

Melissa & Tom: 2.5 points

Nick V: 1

Nick S: .5

JJ: 1

Ugly episode for the MoonBee. Nick S. was forced to be a robot stripper and never really got a fair shake. Worse, it looked like JJ might be the "guy with girlfriend" alluded to in next week's two-parter. V is going places, but this team is drawing dead if JJ racks a Negative Eight.

Premiere and the Draft

Synopsis

Andi said that it was difficult for her to meet men. Rrriiight. Then they showed her hanging out with her family. My favorite character from last season, Andi's dad Hy, made a brief appearance. Andi went to a mansion in Los Angeles to meet the guys. Bag noticed that the driveway was hosed off and is every season. They drove onto it with limos and guys started getting out.

Marcus “looked like a young Nicolas Cage” according to Andrea.

Chris the Farmer quickly announced he was from Iowa. Redundant.

J.J. the Pantsapraneur referred to what was about to happen as a "Love Quest," which should really be the name of the show.

Marquel was the Obligatory Black Man.

Tasos was from Denver. He did something involving a key and a fountain that was lost on me but Andi thought it was “adorable.”

Cody the personal trainer pushed the limo up the hill but Andi made fun of him for being out of breath. He did nothing to dissuade the meathead stereotype.

Steven the “Snowboard Product Developer” acted as advertised.

Rudie made some weird legal joke I didn’t get.

Carl the Firefighter did nothing of note.

35-year-old Jason the Doctor “diagnosed” Andi as “pretty hot” and stumbled inside.

Nick V. wore a polka-dot pie.

Dylan the accountant looked like one of the douches from Desiree’s season.

Patrick made fun of Juan Pablo with a soccer ball but kicked it rather well.

Emil called himself “Anal with an M.”

Brett the hairstylist entered with what Melissa called “creepy clarinet music” and brought a lamp for no apparent reason.

Another dude from Denver, Craig, sprayed champagne; Melissa said “[Andi's] not attracted to him.”

Bag quickly ID’d Ron the “Beverage Sales Manager” as a bartender. He was sorta black and turned out to be from Israel and Barbados.

Bradley the opera singer was as awkward as Sharleen but not as elegant or intriguing.

Josh B. was immediately identified as “cute” by Melissa, then turned out to be from Denver. Hmmmmmm.

Nick S. drove up in a golf cart. (bald joke)

Brian the basketball coach had four months to plan his entrance and went with a joke about tying his tie six times.

Andrew the social media guy (professional tweeter) said that Andy and Andi has a nice ring to it.

Mike was an actual bartender, or maybe just wasn’t pretentious enough to call himself a “Beverage Sales Manager.”

The hardest I have ever laughed watching this show came when Eric arrived, titled as “Explorer.” Then Thursday I found out he was dead, so the joke was on me.

Josh M. had Andrea choking and fanning herself, but then she took it back and blamed it on her new glasses.

They started drinking at the cocktail party and Bag said “usually there’s someone who gets absolutely shitfaced.” But these guys kept it together.

The Obligatory Black Man brought cookies. “Does he make these cookies or just eat them?” Melissa wondered. Tasos showed off his cosmopolitan nature by saying “I would like a juice with ice cubes” in French. Patrick and Andrew swooned over each other, almost as hard as they swooned over themselves.

Then a curveball – some dude from a past show walked up wanting a piece of the action. Andi thought it over and decided it would be unfair to the other guys, so she had Chris Harrison show him the door.

Andi gave the first impression rose to the nervous guy with frizzy hair (Nick V.)

At the rose ceremony, Lamp Guy, MeatHead, Black Guy and Sorta Black Guy got to stay but Andi bid adieu to Anal with an M, Bartender Not Beverage Sales Manager, Male Attorney, Awkward Doctor and the Professional Tweeter.    

Draft Recap:

1. Kelly & Phil – Marcus

Marcus is obviously a top-caliber type of guy, as Patrick would say. Andi was dumbfounded by his looks, but he also came off as humble – and that humility will be the trait that keeps him around till the end of this game.

2. Melissa & Tom – Nick V.

I’m just gonna call Nick V. “V.” as long as Nick S. hangs around, because we wouldn’t want to confuse him with his balding compadre (although V.’s hair is actually worse), and because we couldn’t possibly confuse V. with someone else.

3. Bri & Doug – Chris

I can’t hate on this pick, though my immediate impression of Chris was not favorable. I’m sure I was influenced by this wildly entertaining podcast, which suggested Chris might be an evil corporate farmer, not this kind of farmer. But Chris got a lot of screen time in the season teaser and is probably good-looking and nice.

4. Andrea & Zack – Josh M.

Make no mistake about it, A to Z played to win this season. As much as I want to, I can’t rag on these picks. They went with risky players every step of the way. Too soon, Eric fans?

5. Andie & Eric – Dylan

I don’t know what to make of Dylan. He didn’t get much screen time the first episode and has sort of a douchey haircut, but he also likes Connect Four and Shawshank. We’ll see.

6. Bri & Doug – Patrick

High-caliber Patrick is 6’4”, makes money and can sail a boat, but Andi has no tolerance for vanity. I don’t like his chances.

7. Andrea and Zack – Eric

I really thought Dead Explorer Eric was dropping to us at the 10^th pick where we would snap him up. Obviously he’s not winning, but don’t be surprised if Eric tallies monster points. He checked all the boxes in the first episode and got a lot of preview screentime.

8. Andie & Eric – Tasos

Tasos impressed in the first episode. For some reason he doesn’t seem like champion material, but he’s intriguing.

9. Kelly & Phil – Brian

If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you and why?
Brian – “The Bible, suncreen (sic) and a surf board. It'll keep me busy and safe.”

Nice pick guys.

10. Melissa & Tom – Nick S.

Nick S. was our favorite player in the game, but I didn’t see him in any teasers. I wouldn’t be stunned if he’s ousted next week, but there was no way we could pass him up at #10.

11. Andie & Eric – Craig 

Craig has a forgettable 11^th place finish written all over him.

12. Andrea & Zack – Marquel

Marquel is the most boom-bust player in the game. It would have been easy to have gone with one of the next three guys, but Bagdrea isn’t here to play safe.

13. Melissa & Tom – JJ

I think the title “Pantsapreneur” cost JJ 6 spots in the draft. The man is 6’5” and wears size 14 shoes. What’s not to like here?

14. Kelly & Phil – Andrew

Andrew briefly thought he was going 8^th to A&E before they switched to Tasos. This was the right place for the Capable Douchebag.

15. Bri & Doug – Ron

I like Ron. He goes seven spots higher if he’s white.