Episode 8

Synopsis

In Part One of the the Two Day Event That Will Shock America, Juan Pablo and Nikki went to her hometown of Kansas City. Nikki turned out to be a barbecue-eating, beer-drinking, bull-riding redneck who was best friends with her mom. She kept on wanting to tell JP that she loved him, but couldn't.

JP and Andi went to her hometown of Atlanta. They went to shoot guns. For the first time ever, JP sucked at something. I noticed Andi's hair goes from dark to light as it goes down. Melissa informed me it's called "ombre" and Andi's had it all season. Andi's dad was named Hy. Hy was not pleased that JP was dating three other girls along with her.

JP and Renee went to her hometown of Sarasota, Florida. Renee said she was so excited to see her son that she was going to "literally eat" him. Fortunately she didn't. Instead she hugged him and they watched him play baseball. Renee said watching her son with JP "feels natural" despite the ever-present camera crew and polyamorous boyfriend. Her son was really quiet the whole time. Perhaps having four dudes in his bedroom holding television equipment didn't feel so natural to him.

JP and Clare went to her hometown of Sacramento. JP is really racking up those frequent-flyer miles. They chatted in a park. Then they went to her house to meet her family, which was like the Game of Thrones scene where they meet the Frey daughters and granddaughters.

There was a weird scene with her mom, who was like a female version of Bernie from Weekend at Bernie's until she came out of her trance and started speaking Spanish.

At the rose ceremony, JP said hasta la vista to Renee. Maybe he learned something at that shooting gallery after all.

Standings

Schwartzes: 36 points
Andi: 18.5
Chelsie: 9.5
Cassandra: 8

Hy was kind of scary, but I thought every one of his points was spot-on. Most fathers would have pretty serious reservations about their daughter potentially marrying someone who's dating a bunch of other women. I also think there's a 15% chance Hy was an actor playing the role of Andi's father.


Kelly & Phil: 34.5 points
Alli: 5
Nikki: 22
Kat: 7.5

K&P are 1.5 points behind Schwartzes and 6.5 points ahead of MoonBee. Schwartzes/K&P will almost certainly win the pool if their pony wins the final rose. It gets interesting if Clare wins it. Here's a reminder of points that can still be won:

• 2 points - saying "I love you" to The Bachelor
• 2 points - accepting a marriage proposal from The Bachelor
• 4 points - finishing in second place
• 5 points - being invited to the Fantasy Suite
• 8 points - finishing as the final contestant

MoonBee: 28 points
Clare: 21.5
Sharleen: 6
Chantel: .5

Clare seems so comfortable in front of the cameras. Like JP and myriad other reality TV legends, she's mastered that 80%/20% actual/acting ratio. JP loves that about her. It gives her an edge, an excitement that JP digs. Eight episodes in I still don't really know who Clare is.


Dregs: 12.5 points
Danielle: 4.5
Kelly: 6
Lucy: 2

If three teams are still in the mix with three contestants left and at least one of them won't necessarily win the pool even if one of their contestants wins the show, I'd say our scoring system was pretty darn solid for its inaugural season.


Greenbergs: 9.5 points
Renee: 15
Victoria: -7.5
Christy: 2

Greenbergs finally passed A to Z, but ultimately fell short of The Dregs. Even if we rewarded Renee 2 points for saying "I did fall in love with you", the Greenbergs would be a point short of escaping the sub-Dreg zone. Amazingly, two teams are on the charity hook.


A to Z: 6.5 points
Elise: 
Lauren: 3.5
Amy: 0

How exactly does the charity payment work? How much is it? Does it go to the charity of the winner's choice? Is it paid immediately after the season finale? I'm pretty sure we decided upon all these things but that was even longer ago than A to Z was eliminated from the pool, so I've forgotten.

Episode 7

Synopsis

The girls went to Juan Pablo’s hometown of Miami, Florida. Somehow nobody complained about or even mentioned the jet lag of the enormous voyage from New Zealand. Sharleen got the one-on-one date card. She went on a yacht with JP. Sharleen kept on saying how incredible her “chemistry” with the “ridiculously sexy” JP was but was concerned over their “cerebral connection.” That was code for “I really, really want to have sex with JP but afterwards we’d have nothing to talk about and it would be awkward.”

She kept on saying she needed to have a serious discussion with him, but every time the conversation threatened to advance beyond “You’re so cute. No, you’re so cute!” she or JP just started kissing the other. “If she could keep her lips off him long enough to have a conversation, she might figure out if they have a mental connection,” Melissa said.

They had a nice date while the other girls speculated on how it was going. Sharleen said she was happy, which was a change of pace because she “didn’t allow herself to be happy very often.” Perhaps that was why she chose to go on The Bachelor – it’s been unclear.

Next, Nikki went to Camila’s dance recital, where she met Camila, JP’s father and Camila’s mom. Even though Nikki is younger and better-looking than Camila’s mom, there was no drama.

Then they went and had dinner on the field where the Miami Marlins play. They were the only ones in the stadium, so it was a typical night at Marlins Park. Nikki expressed some concerns about fitting into JP’s life. “She’s thinking, and I like that,” JP said. “If she’s enjoying, then I’m enjoying.”

Sharleen decided to go home to Ottawa, or Germany, or Atlas Shrugged, or wherever she lives. JP didn’t seem all that bummed out about it.

The crew went on a group date on the beach. JP decided to give Andi – AKA “The New Sharleen” according to Melissa – the rose. That rocked Clare’s world and she went back to the hotel steaming. She soon got into an argument with Nikki that featured a combined 836 utterances of the word "like". Nikki compared her to a dog that peed on JP. Meanwhile, Andi and JP went to a club and danced to some Latin guy with a high-pitched voice.  

At the cocktail party, Clare and Nikki sat fuming at each other while Chelsie forced inane conversation down their throats. JP said hasta luego to Chelsie at the rose ceremony as Clare muttered about what a huge mistake it was.

Standings

Schwartzes: 30 points

Andi: 12.5

Chelsie: 9.5

Cassandra: 8

It’s likely coming down to Andi vs Nikki for the Golden Rose (that’s what I’m calling winning the pool. We should have a trophy). K&P are insisting on a penalty for Cassandra’s exit. I guess everyone in the pool should vote whether she should receive a full -8 penalty, a partial one, or no penalty. I vote no penalty. Hopefully it won’t make a difference.

Kelly & Phil: 28.5 points

Alli: 5

Nikki: 16

Kat: 7.5

Congratulations to Kelly and Phil on their engagement last week! The excitement continues! In two weeks two different couples in this pool have become engaged, leaving the Bee and I as the only unmarried unengaged contestants left standing. We will see a lot of events over the future of The Bachelor Pool, but we'll never again see a season with two different engagements amongst our pool - not counting the actual Bachelor/Bachelorette. Speaking of which, I'm starting to think JP isn't going to end up marrying any of these ladies. He's enjoying this all a little too much. His nonreaction to Sharleen's exodus shows just how confident he is playing the game. I don't know if JP's actually ready to retire, despite what he says about Camila.

MoonBee: 22 points

Clare: 15.5

Sharleen: 6

Chantel: .5

It was fun while it lasted, Sharleen. Ultimately, the risky choice of her at #7 was neither a game-winner nor an albatross. She scored a meh 6 points, same as Kelly the Dog Lover, more than Alli, less than also-rans like Cassandra and Kat, and half a point less than A to Z's entire team. I no longer have any idea if Clare is physically attractive; the sight/sound of her now causes me to bludgeon my eyeballs with the remote control until senseless.  

Dregs: 12.5 points

Danielle: 4.5

Kelly: 6

Lucy: 2

Bag claims that his team was "drawing dead" from the outset due to their pick numbers. Here's the best-case scenario team they could have chosen: 

Nikki (16 points)

Chelsie (9.5 points)

Kat (7.5 points)

At 33 points this trinity would be leading the pool while featuring one of the remaining frontrunners. And it's not like these girls made shocking, crafty runs at JP's heart - they're all young, noticeable blondes.

A to Z: 6.5 points

Elise: 3

Lauren: 3.5

Amy: 0

I wonder if Andrea fully considered the ramifications of her engagement to Zack. The Bag loves his silly gambling pools. Two Survivor pools a year, two Bachelor pools, March Madness, World Cup, dozens of football-related gambling endeavors a year. Despite his passion and experience, nobody drafts worse fantasy-reality teams than the Bag. There's no escaping his stink. Good luck to you, A.

Greenbergs: 4.5 points

Renee: 10

Victoria: -7.5

Christy: 2

Renee seemed like the obvious choice back when JP's goals appeared to be what he stated. But playboys have no room for 32 year-old mothers, and JP seems to be infatuated with his playboy potential.

Episode 6

Synopsis

The crew headed down to New Zealand. Andi got to go on the one-on-one date, which shocked Cassandra even though Andi was the only one left who hadn't gone on a one-on-one. Andi and Juan Pablo went on a boat ride to a lagoon, then got out and made their way through some rocks to another lagoon, this time with warm water and a waterfall. They made out under the waterfall. Andi said she hoped that "tonight we really feel it with each other." And sure enough, a geyser went off that night. It got them wet and made it hard to eat dinner.

Everyone else except for Clare went on a group date where they got in these giant balls and rolled down hills. For some reason there was water in them, so they all wore swimsuits. Melissa thanked ABC for the closeup of JP's torso, but I don't know if she was being sarcastic or legitimately grateful.

Then they went to some sort of Hobbit ghost town. Sharleen turned out to be a huge Tolkien dork, but JP probably couldn't tell the difference between an elf and an orc. JP didn't wait for the rose ceremony to despedir Cassandra, even though it was her birthday. No feliz cumpleanos.

Forty years from now JP will be telling one of these women's grandsons about how he got to roll down the green hills of New Zealand in giant balls and made out with five hot chicks, all in the same day. On TV.

JP and Clare went to a chilly beach for their one-on-one date and talked. Then they hung out on the couch for a while like normal people, except there was a television crew hanging out there too and filming everything they did.

JP made out with most of the girls again before the rose ceremony, then said hasta manana to Kat.



Standings


Schwartzes: 27 points
Andi: 10
Chelsie: 9
Cassandra: 8

I'm not docking Cassandra even though she was asked to leave before the rose ceremony. The rules say you get -8 for "getting kicked off the show for any reason other than failing to receive a rose at the ceremony." Cassandra didn't make it to the rose ceremony, but she didn't really get "kicked off" either. It would be against the venerable spirit and tradition of this pool to saddle Schwartzes with the dreaded Negative Eight in this scenario. Chelsie likely won't be receiving any more roses either. Andi should be all that's left of this team in a week.


MoonBee: 23.5 points
Clare: 14
Sharleen: 9
Chantel: .5

One of the most annoying things a partner can do is insist on an apology when none is necessary. JP didn't need to apologize to Clare for the fallout from the South China Sea incident, he did anyways, and she was still whining about it. I said "Clare is starting to seem really high-maintenance" and Melissa said "starting to??!??" I don't understand what JP sees in Clare. Sure she's pretty, but so is everyone left along with the two girls he just adiosed. She's nagging, selfish and isn't particularly intelligent. She also says "like", like, a ton.

JP just seems to have an irrational physical attraction to her, which is fascinating, because the other player on our team has a similar sort of attraction to him. Sharleen seems to go into each rendesvous with JP hoping to gain perspective on their relationship and just instantly falls into his web of seduction every time. It's clear there's a war waging between her body and mind.


Kelly & Phil: 23.5 points
Alli: 5
Nikki: 11
Kat: 7.5

With the Kat's ciao, K&P need Nikki to win it all to have a chance at winning the pool. Nervous Nikki is golden for at least one more episode before things start to really get interesting. K&P don't need to panic - their competitors may also be down to just one contestant after next week's episode.


Dregs: 12.5 points
Danielle: 4.5
Kelly: 6
Lucy: 2

Sharleen may finally fall on the sword next week, but Clare has scored enough points to clear MoonBee from charity payment. Greenbergs, however, are going to need a Final Four run from Renee to avoid it.


A to Z: 6.5 points
Elise: 3
Lauren: 3.5
Amy: 0

Congratulations to A to Z, who got engaged last week! Andrea was crowned the winner of The Bagchelor after receiving Zack's final rose and accepting his proposal. It is such a joyous occasion for the couple and everyone who knows them that we'll postpone poking fun at this team till next week.


Greenbergs: 3 points
Renee: 8.5
Victoria: -7.5
Christy: 2

It doesn't matter if Renee is the best choice. JP may have some self-destructive tendencies, fixating on maniacs (Clare) or hard-to-get (Sharleen). Just because Renee is kind, beautiful, intelligent and stable doesn't necessarily mean he's going to choose her.

Episode 5

Synopsis

Juan Pablo & company went to Vietnam. Renee got to go on the one-on-one date. She was really hoping they "would kiss at the end of the date." JP took Renee on a bicycle taxi ride to a dress store and she got a dress. Renee said "it doesn't feel like a first date at all", which makes sense because four cameramen were constantly with them and she did nine different interviews during the date. "I really want to kiss this man. I want to kiss Juan Pablo bad," Renee said. "I'm hoping that tonight is the night we have our first kiss." JP gave her a rose. Then Renee expressed that she wanted JP to kiss her at the end of the night. They did this thing where you put a candle in a box and put it in a river and make a wish. Renee's wish was that JP would kiss her. JP didn't kiss her.

Most of the girls went on a group date in boats that Clare monopolized. They hung back from the crew and made out on the riverbank. Then everyone went to a large community garden. Cassandra noted that America would be better if it had gardens. They ate a big meal at some guy's house. JP looked skillful with chopsticks. Surprise, surprise. JP was "liking a lot that about Clare" and then made out with her in a hot tub and then gave her the group date rose. Then she surprised him at 4 AM at his house and they made out in the ocean.

Much to Andi's dismay, Nikki went on the second one-on-one date. They rappelled into a cave. JP looked skillful rappelling. Surprise, surprise. Nikki was scared but ultimately did it, probably because she realized ABC had a couple hundred million to lose if anyone plummeted to their death while filming the show.  Chances are it was safer than driving to the interview to get on The Bachelor, and certainly safer than having unprotected sex with JP. He gave her a rose and she said she felt like she "stuck a finger in a light socket."

JP explained to Renee he didn't want to kiss her because her son might misinterpret it, but apparently he wasn't concerned about how her son would feel about him simultaneously making out with seven other girls on the show. Renee said her son wouldn't mind, so then he kissed her. JP told Clare their 4 AM makeout sesh in the South China Sea took it a little bit too far and then she started crying.

JP eliminated the three girls he obviously had no interest in (Alli, Danielle and Kelly the Dog Lover) but cried anyways.



Standings

Schwartzes: 22 points

Andi: 7

Chelsie: 7.5

Cassandra: 7.5

Schwartzes are the only team with all three contestants left, but Chelsie and Cassandra don't appear to be anything more than rose ceremony fodder. Andi spent most of this episode venting over the absurdity of the situation, which is a good thing. The girls who recognize how ridiculous it is to go on The Bachelor are the girls JP respects.

Kelly & Phil: 21.5 points

Alli: 5

Nikki: 9.5

Kat: 7

K&P are probably going to need Nikki to win it because Kat's screentime has been fading in recent weeks. She's hot and enthusiastic but JP has bigger fish to fry - like Nikki, who he's obviously into.

MoonBee: 15 points

Clare: 11

Sharleen: 6.5

Chantel: .5

Clare is racking up points, but she's no fun to root for. She's not a likable character in this story, or even an interesting one. Even worse, previews for next episode re-raised fears of a Sharleen hari-kari, which would submarine our team's total below the Dregs.

Dregs: 12.5 points
Danielle: 4.5
Kelly: 6
Lucy: 2

Too bad Kelly the Dog Lover is finally out. She was the funniest girl on the show. There aren't many girls here who could carry a season of The Bachelorette and Kelly the Dog Lover was one of them. Danielle received 4x the screentime she had in the preceding four episodes combined, which obviously meant this would be her last episode. The Dregs have nothing to be ashamed of - they finished with almost double the points of A to Z and they're still way up on the Greenbergs.

A to Z: 6.5 points
Elise: 3
Lauren: 3.5
Amy: 0

I was planning on talking about how convenient it will be to just copy and paste this team's total from week three thru the rest of the season, but I actually found it was more pleasurable to re-write each girl's total down from the board.

This week's guest insult of Bag's team comes courtesy of a text message from Big Eric Schwartz:

"Bag still has a chance to win if all the girls are forced to leave in the next 2 weeks.

But he would still finish behind the Dregs."

Greenbergs: 1.5 points

Renee: 7
Victoria: -7.5

Christy: 2

Renee is still the frontrunner. Her climactic kiss with JP was the show's most exciting non-Sharleen moment thus far. For about ten seconds there, I actually forgot to be cynical. Legitimate drama is ahead too - every girl left has strong feelings for JP and he reciprocates with most of them. There are a lot of tears left to be shed this season.